Why are people so mean or harsh about death of a loved one?

[Anonymous]

After the memorial service for my mom, people started ignoring me, saying rude things to be it act rude. Even in the first few weeks that she passed, people were already expecting me to be myself again and joke with me because I’m supposed to be the level headed person. One of my best friends mom comforted me but was dead honest about what she said to me. She said, “Look I know it hurts not having your mom around anymore but I’m going to tell you the 100 percent truth. The cold ugly truth is death is part of life. There nothing we can do about. I know what is not what you wanna hear but it’s the truth. We’re not going to live forever. We’re NOT. That’s why I don’t want you girls (her daughter and I) to get your hopes up too much. This is reality ladies.”

One time my friends were joking around and I got roasted really bad for making her feel “old” on her birthday. She said, “Says the one that was a giving me gray hairs. Stop it or I’m going to give it to you since you act old. STOP IT YOU OLD LADY! l and walked off. Then they were laughing at this funny show and started getting all crazy. I got overwhelmed with everything, my moms death, grandma’s death and all. I bursted in to tests. One guy friend said, “Oh don’t be crying now. You started by making jokes first! Not us!”
One girl said, “Dude I think we upset her. was it something we said?” I lied and said no and I’m just overwhelmed with death of loved ones and they understand if I needed to be alone.” After two hours later, one friend told me something that was funny. She didn’t even ask if I was okay. My guy friend didn’t even ask if I was okay. The other girl pal asked me and gave me a hug? I swear people are horrible when you lost a love one. Even my family isn’t no better. My dad asked why did I look so sad two months after my mom died. I asked him he seriously asking that question. He said I can’t walk around being sad and depressed all the time. Im going to have to smile sometimes.

[abc3643]

I had a big long opinion ready for you but the reload button was accidentally hit and *poof!* - it was all gone.

So, I will give the Reader's Digest version:

1. You grieve as long as you want and in any way you want. There is no right way and wrong way to grieve. So, people like that mother who was cold... she's an asshole. Avoid this woman going forward. She's not evil, per se, but she's not someone who will make your life better.

2. Wow, some real assholes. Reminds me of people who say "Sorry for your loss." That is perfunctory horseshit. It's what people say when they are too lazy to come up with better consoling words - certainly better than that asshole woman. It's really saying "Hey, it sucks that you feel bad, but, really, I don't give a shit because it doesn't really affect me." Instead, I say "Sorry for OUR loss." because...

3. Each of us affects the rest of us forever. If your mother hadn't lived, you wouldn't be here to ask this question and I wouldn't have the privilege of knowing you to answer it. Bottom line: Your mother mattered. I will let Sonmi~451 from "Cloud Atlas" speak:

"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
— Sonmi~451

https://www.youtube.com/embed/owhLwsiTjMc

4. So, again, your mother mattered to all of us and you are right to grieve in anyway you wish with no judgment from others. So, for those of us, like me, who did not know your mother, tell us all about her... Take your time.

[strateguy632]

Weeks? Why would you mourn more than a week. Get back into patterns and routines. The expectation "people were already expecting me to be myself again and joke with me" is natural. No jokes for a year?

[Asker]

This was last year

[DryGermanGuy]

You’re telling this story for years now. Get some counseling already.

[siezuresalad]

They’re not being horrible.

[Asker]

Then what are they them? They were reasonable? They were so rude to me

[siezuresalad]

they were telling you uncomfortable truths. But they were telling you truth.

[Asker]

By being so rude and mean to me? My friends joking with me overwhelmed me with jokes and me grieving! Nobody understands that I miss my mom. Why do people have tone so harsh when you’re grieving? It doesn’t make me feel better. Even my siblings agree with them. My brother bluntly said, “We have to hang in there, We don’t have a CHOICE! We can’t just sit around depressed all the time! Mom wouldn’t want that! We have to move down. Mom is DEAD AND SHE IS NOT COMING BACK!”
My sister said, “I know it hurts but we have to accept the ugly truth. This is life. Nobody is going to coddle or sugarcoat it to make us feel better. They’re right.”