Should I try to return to EMS even though I am plastered as a pedo/predator?

[IHaveRespawned]

Since the whole fallout of the tech industry and with coding dead, I have lost passion in software engineering.

I am on SSDI, but sometimes I yearn to do something important, even if part time. It beats doing some low level job for idiots.

I used to be an Advanced EMT. I lost my EMT license nearly 10 years ago due to a stalking and harassment conviction. Then, there was the whole "pedo" sting thing. Now at 31 and newly married, I am lost on what to do.

Yes

No

See poll

[Anonymous]

Heal your soul, mind and heart. ㅤ

then logic becomes cleaner. "Yearn" becomes knowing.

[Opinion Owner]

About your past:

16 and 20 is legal in many places. However, i will pretend like it is a huge issue because you said "i am now older and married". These never heal you. No. No. No. Time does not heal. You have to dismantle the trash in your subconscious mind that made you this way in the first place. It can be done in a very short time.

As you admit you have an existential crisis. Realize that it is the exact same program running under a new alias.

You will see, what you do is not who you are. Your job is not who you are, it is what you do. Similarly your filth is not who you were, it is what you did.

Just because you stopped doing that, doesn't mean you don't have an equally dark engine/trauma underneath.

[IHaveRespawned]

I guess. I am just dealing with this existential crisis right now. I feel like I am losing my mind.

[Opinion Owner]

Well I lost long ago I guess, there was so much violence growing up that detachment from reality was the default and yet I had to live through the same life as anyone else so I forced myself to look to others as if all is normal and convinced myself of that.

Have you ever had an epiphany about the stalking thing or just a sense of distancing yourself from that past? I mean, did you think she is interested when she is not? And are you just using logical reasoning to understand that she is not, or is it a sense felt conviction "oh, I am as annoying as a mosquito in the dark"?

And did you have a crap childhood?

[Opinion Owner]

My parents used religion to justify their pains instead of feeling the heart ache (which religion forbids and demands instant forgiveness, and theirs is the most war torn branch of Protestantisms where beating children is explicitly instructed) thus, without the somatic grief their subconscious mind copied the blueprint of the villains (known as identifying with the aggressor, my mom copied her dad who divorced and those who told her not to cry about it... my father copied whoever taught him to skin dogs alive and bullied him in childhood... and his father who beat him like a rug...) and their social anxiety and and body shaming (when they acted out their sexual abuse compulsions and always decided that shaming sexuality is a faster and better solution than grieving the abuse) were branded as virtues that make them superior to others so that their pain made them into better people than those who didn't get hurt at all (which is egotistical) and not only did they naturally pass their traumas on but consciously used religion to instill the paranoia and toxic discipline into the children even stronger than they themselves have it because they keep convincing themselves that the pains taught them valuable lessons --- both consciously through direct dictating the religion like falsely accusing toddlers of checking out women, as well as subconsciously through being paranoid themsleves --- and i am the youngest one from a 2-digit sized family and each and every older brother piled on their replicated traumas onto the younger ones, consciously and unconsciously, in addition to what the parents ensured each one of us does not miss out on. in spring, a year before kindergarten (age 4) I was caught whispering "mom a bitch"... and since i was conceived after the divorce talk started (only because they knew the family was over and someone needed to be given father's name, which is my middle name) mother didn't even bottle feed me, my siblings had to, who soon left the country.

[Opinion Owner]

You must come out of denial about your childhood. Every single your feelings were hurt, and I mean the feelings of the weakest babies version of yourself, and you hesitated to cry about it, you must grieve it, and then your mental and physical illnesses truly will go away.

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Might not like my answer, but I'm going to be honest with you based on my experience with people of similar charges.

Former Corrections Officer here. You are shit out of luck. No first responder job will take you. The moment they run your social, it will come up. Even expungement won't help because expungement is a layer of concealment, NOT an erasure of charges and convictions. ANY government job (and other safety sensitive jobs outside the government) will see through the expungement if you can even get one. Even a pardon cannot help you. A pardon means you were forgiven, NOT that guilt has gone away. The ONLY path you have to getting back into EMS is to have your conviction overturned.

You are also shit out of luck getting a CDL (commercial driver's license) for driving trucks or busses. They answer to Federal Department of Transportation standards. Many felons can still get CDLs, but those with charges of your nature cannot due to how unreasonable it is for a trucking/bus company to ensure you are not within a certain distance of children.

Your best bet is to get a job that has NOTHING to do with government, is not safety sensitive, does not hire private investigators for background checks AND does not run a super thorough background check or know how to check court records. WITH an expungement, you can get past services like Checkr since they only pull stuff that is available on the internet. WITHOUT an expungement, even they can see the charges and convictions. HOWEVER, anything that uses a government source to run background checks will see through the expungement.

[IHaveRespawned]

I don't have any felonies. Just 2 misdemeanors dating back 10 years ago. I am in this existential crisis. I have lost all passion for software engineering. Don't know what I would want to do in the future.

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Even misdemeanors of that nature are a problem. My advice to you is to seek expungement, then try to apply and be honest. The chips will fall where they fall.

In the event you fail, life is not over. You sound service-oriented. There are MANY ways to serve that don't involve "being on the front lines". After an injury ended my law enforcement ambitions, I was lost for a while. I had to cope with the fact that God decided my time to serve in dangerous capacities was over. I've found peace and love what I've done. Honor the service you gave and you will find joy elsewhere eventually.

[IHaveRespawned]

True. I am disabled and on SSDI now. Coming to terms with my situation will give me peace, but that is easier said than done at least right now. After 25 jobs in a span of 15 years, I really need to come to reality that I have severe issues.

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing. I was a raging alcoholic the first 4 years after the Navy. That was BEFORE becoming a CO. I'm a Christian man so I will NOT judge you for your past. Lord knows I've needed grace. Find your spiritual center, whether that be faith or something else. Start there.

[There_Is_Rehab]

If you want to accomplish something big, work to put an end to child abuse. More than 1 billion children today are subject to physical violence, almost 2 billion to psychological aggression and parental bullying of some sort.

[Agape93]

Dude, you're morbidly obese with a ton of medical issues and issues with foreigners and anyone politically different. you're a liability. A big one.

[IHaveRespawned]

I feel like I am losing my ever fucking mind

[Agape93]

Okay?

[IHaveRespawned]

Existential crisis... major

[Agape93]

And who's fault is that

[IHaveRespawned]

Regardless I am trying to seek some more purpose in my life. I want to do something big and important, not just be a nobody

[Agape93]

That prospect is long gone. This is me being nice when I say this, but that notion needs to go. Your only good, is to do right by your wife. That's the best thing you can do, so drop this nonsense about doing important things for a purpose that no longer exists for you.

[Anonymous]

I would not want a person with that background in my house with my family at one of our worst possible moments.

[msc545]

Well the truth of the matter is that you have at least in the past admitted to being sexually interested in a woman who was underage. The world is not going to forget that and I think that you were rightfully or wrongfully pretty much persecuted for that for quite some time. Going forward. I don't think that any company but particularly a company that provides healthcare services is going to want to hire you with that sort of background. Maybe you can find something else to do but doesn't involve your prior perfection. I'm not saying you were bad at empire for fashion or that it even should have an effect on it, but I think you are probably in as it's commonly described radioactive enough right now that if you were able to get a job as an EMT it wouldn't last long. Find something else to do.

[IHaveRespawned]

I never harmed a child, that is the irony of all this. People give me hate because when I was 20, I had sex with a 16 year old girl. We were only 4 years apart in age. Of course today that would never happen, because I am married and because I am older. The whole pred sting thing, these guys came to me after I said I didn't want to meet

[AngryCarl3]

The only people hurt by pedo "stings" are pedophiles. Maybe if you get therapy and admit that you have a problem?

[exitseven]

You seem to know a lot about it and seem enthusiastic. You should give it a try.

[Cidknee]

Yes, all the more reason to do so and have that head up to face the eyes of those who are busy bodies without a clue.

[Anonymous]

Dude, if that label is sticking, it's for a goddamn reason