My guy doesn't know how to cheer me up?

[Anonymous]

Whenever I express some concern or something that bothers me to my guy (not about him, just in general, like something happening at work or with my family), he seems to either dismiss it or make it sound like it was my fault. I don't think he means to make me feel worse, I think he is genuinely trying to cheer me up, but he says things that make it sound like I brought the "bad stuff" upon myself. For example, I recently had a fight with my family, because I spent a lot of time and money planning a nice trip for them, but they just kept complaining about it. I said it to my boyfriend, and he just said "Maybe undertaking such a big burden was a bad idea." He just made it sound like it's my fault for trying to do something nice for my family, rather than understanding or acknowledging that they were just being ungreatful brats. I mean come on, who complains about a FREE trip someone else bought for them? I guess I have always been a very appreciative person, so it really upset me. But then my guy made me feel even worse, and I feel like he often does that when I tell him about a problem or concern. He doesn't seem to know what to say and will just blurt out something like that. I don't want to tell him that he upset me, because I know how extremely sad he gets whenever he realizes that he upset me. At the same time, I need him to be more supportive and understanding rather than dismiss or undermine any problem/concern I have (and I really don't have many, I am usually very easy going). He always wants me to be honest and tell him everything, but then he acts so weird when I tell him something that he can't really help me with. Is this normal guy behavior? Anyone else like that or have your guy be like that? What causes this? I heard some guys get very nervous and don't know how to react when their girlfriend is upset and they can't fix it. Could that be it?

[toulouse]

its got nothing to do with him being a guy. he's accountable for his actions whether he's got a penis a vagina or both or neither. and if he's not supportive it doesn't mean other guys are not.

there are millions of male therapists in the world perfectly capable of dealing with peoples problems and totally competent in the consideration department.

tihs isn't a small issue having support from your partner d think was pretty central to a relationship. you should probably reevaluate if you want to be wth him.

it doesn't matter if he doesn't mean it or if he only seems inconsiderate because you are so caring. if you're so caring you should be with a caring person. just like if he liked tons of sex he should be with someone with a high sex drive.

intentionality has little to do with it unless he's willing to try to be supportive. you're either getting support or you're not. if not why are you with him?

its not just compassion but respect that one gives you and your ordeals when taking you seriously.

[Asker]

You are definitely right, I definitely want my partner to be at least just as considerate as I am. It bothers me generally in other people when they are inconsiderate or say something that they know will hurt others. I have never really met a guy though who would be AS considerate as myself. And my guy really often is very supportive and acts very considerate towards others, and that's why I love him, but he just seems like a different person almost when I tell him about a problem he can't solve

[toulouse]

thats gotta suck. because you're really cool in being compassionate and you deserve it back at you. then feeling your boyfriend is for the most part-excet when you really need i. its tough.

and I'm sorry you haven't met guys as caring as you, but there are a lot of caring guys out there. that whole talk to women if you have a problem because guys dk how- they are justifying sh*tty behavior.

itd be cool if you could resolve things with him, but I don't know how you can do that because you can't really make someone care.

[Asker]

I agree, I guess I see if this behavior continues, and if it bothers me too much and I feel like I don't get the support I need, I guess I am going to have to break it off :/ I just really wish he understood more when I need him to be supportive.

[Anonymous]

As usual, tooloose ignores that fact that men and women are generally different in this respect. lol. Some things never change.

It's a commonly accepted fact that men tend to try to fix problems, a behavior that frustrates women when they are really just in heed of someone to listen. When a guy shares a problem with a male friend, they will talk about the cause and the solution. That's what men do.

But that's not necessarily what a woman expects or wants. My point is that the "problem" here is not just him. It's a difference between the two of you. He needs to get better at listening and being sympathetic, and you need to better understand why he reacts the way he does...because he's a man and is doing what men do naturally.

[Asker]

I guess you are right, men do tend to be the "fixers" and approach problems much more in a "what's the solution" way than women. I do like fixing things too, and I also feel bad when someone tells me about a problem that I know I can't really help them with. BUT, even if so, I still always try to say things to cheer them up and make them feel better, whereas my boyfriend will say something that makes me feel even worse. Why would he do that? So inconsiderate lol.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you think he does it intentionally, or does he even realize it when he does it?

[Asker]

I don't think he is intentionally trying to make me feel bad. He actually usually feels awful when he realizes he said or did something wrong. I don't think it's that. But at the same time, I don't know if I can be with someone who is not sympathetic to others and who can't be supportive when I need him most, you know? Like even if he is trying his best, he might still be hurting me.. and no I don't want to punish him for that, but at the same time I really want a considerate guy :/

[Opinion Owner]

What you describe is not being inconsiderate...it's being ignorant in a way that a lot of guys are until the learn to be better about it.

I also sense a bit of self-centeredness in you, just based on what you've written here. Try to be conscious of that in all of this.

Is he a good man otherwise? If so, he can probably improve in this regard. Can you?

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and end up regretting it later.

[Asker]

Lol that is an interesting comment, because I think about it the other way. I am the non-selfish person who cares about others and wants to always make others feel good, whereas my guy acted selfish here and said something to just dismiss the problem and not talk about it, while making me feel bad about myself. But yeah he is a good man, and I guess just because he says something wrong sometimes, I shouldn't be too bothered. I just wish that he was more considerate, like me.

[Opinion Owner]

My comment about self-centeredness is based on the fact that the focus of what you've written here has been about what he "should be" doing to support you and make you feel better. That's generally a red flag to guys that signals a high-maintenance woman.

Sounds like that's not the case with you, which I'm glad to hear. Good luck to you, whatever path you choose.

[Asker]

No, believe me, I am the opposite of high maintenance lol :) I am very easy going and totally hate girls who just cause too much drama and get upset about every little thing. I am not thinking of his support in terms of something that he "owes" me and has to do for me, I don't really need help or for him to fix my problems. But, I just wish that he was a more considerate person who cared as much about my feelings as I care about his, that's all :)

[Opinion Owner]

OK, good on ya. Best of luck.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the BA!

[d-deso614]

Some people just don't know what to say to make people feel better. It's not their fault, they just can't express what they mean properly. I have that problem sometimes, myself.

[Asker]

Hmm I guess you are right. I guess because I am an overly considerate person myself and always try to word everything I say very carefully to not hurt others' feelings, it's hard for me to understand when someone says something that hurts mine. So you don't think he is being insensitive? I know he loves me, but it does kind of bother me that rather than support me, he would say something that made it sound like I bring bad situations upon myself :/

[d-deso614]

He may be being a bit insensitive, but not on purpose. I think in the situation you mentioned, he was trying to help you learn from your mistakes. Obviously, that wasn't what you wanted to hear from him, but it's probably just how he is. I doubt his intention was to harm you.

[Asker]

Yea you are right, I don't think he meant anything bad by it. I guess it just hurt my feelings because I felt like he was saying that I was in the wrong here, after I tried to be so nice and do something nice for others. It's like he was bashing my good heart and personality. But yea, I don't think he meant to, so I guess I'll try to just get over it.