Boyfriend can't comfort me when upset?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend 4 years, we have generally been happy and he is quite supportive in other ways and helps out practically. However, when I am upset he can't seem to respond and comfort me.. rather than put his arm around me, he seems to put his guard up and move away. He quickly seems to become agitated and frustrated, he seems to get fixated on telling me why I’m wrong to feel how I do, which only makes me feel worse. For example, last night he happened upon me having a little cry since it was the anniversary of my dad's death. I told him that I was just reminiscing, and he responded that it didn't do any good to dwell on the past. I said to him I just needed to go through it and would like to be comforted, so he raised his voice and went on like "well I'm trying to comfort you, but you're being too MENTAL!" It's always the same, and usually results in him walking out and disappearing for a day. I rarely actually cry but because of his upsetting reactions in the past I find myself avoiding confiding in him in these times, which can make me feel quite isolated. He makes me feel like I’m stupid for having feelings. I've tried to talk to him about it, but it just seems to end the same way. Why is it we can be intimate in all other contexts but when I’m upset he can’t comfort me? How might I be able to get him to let his guard down and talk about this?

[toulouse]

Some people believe in talking cures, others believe shoving everything down their throats till it goes way is the best solution. the latter outllook often results in drinking, drugs. addictive behavior ad cancer.

if you're feeling bad and want to talk it over if he can't be supportive what kind of a boyfriend is he? not to be mean here, but how exactly is he supportive if he doesn't respect your feelings.

no one has a right to tell you how you should feel. all he needs to do is listen.

hes not comfortable trying to help, but he's not being asked to _do_ anything. just sit and hold you or w/e.

when you have sex you're not trying to understand why, but he feels good to I'm so hell do it. he doesn't have to understand why you're upset to support you. that's his job. he should feel good doing it if he cares for you beyond your body.

his job is to support you unless you're disrespecting him. you support him unless he's disrespecting u. he's disrespecting u.

feeligs are not right or wrong only how they are dealt with. he is creating an extra crisis on top of what you are already going through.

i would reavulate your relationship.

he is not a supportive person.

to be supportive you must respect your partner.

respect is acknowledging recognizing the person for who they r. not telling them who they should be.

this is worse than just being aloof. he's manipulating you into doubting your own feelings. feelings are sacred. no one has a right to demand you change them.

he my not be goos at comforting but he's doing something that is detrimental to your psyche especially since you put up with i.

id break you with him and accept nothing less than respect from the next guy.

your dignity is worth it.

hes not going to change. and you can't change him. this is who he is. half a human being. dump

youre morning your father. ths is RESPECTFUL to the memory of your father. to tell you you're wrong is blatant disrespect to the memory of your father. Do you really want to be with someone who will never respect your love for your father?

do you want to be with someone who will belittle you every time you are who you are?

think about what you want out of your relationship. you can get sex from anyone. if all he's offering is a body while you tell your troubles to 'friends' than he's not a boy 'friend'. he's just a boy/. and you're giving him too much importance.

ths is not a _guy_ thing. there are caring guys out there. I don't know why men alway have to answer by ascribing to all men what they feel themselves. no one person can speak for billions-as we know. why anyone would take pleasure in thinking of themselves as socially inept -ive _no_ idea.

if you reduce it to a mental flaw in men. you give license to a**holes who have no right be in a relationship- the right to be in a relationship whilst being a**holes. which is what they want. For you to lower your expectations of their humanity so they are _never_ accountable.

[Asker]

Thanks for your response toulous. I agree it can't be written of as a flaw in men, although men aren't often raised with much emphasis on empathetic skills, most as adults have grasped them to some extent. I do worry about an imbalance of respect, when he had problems in his own family I was expected to extend emotional support not just to him, but also to his family, which I gladly did. It would seem he does not place much importance on my own needs, nor have much respect for my mourning.

[BeautifulMischief]

Great Answer

[Asker]

Thank you =)

[diosadelanoche]

I disagree with all the guys who've said it's just the way men are wired. I think your boyfriend is actually really emotionally immature. It's one thing to not be naturally nurturing: sometimes it hurts to watch someone you care about in pain, and even worse when you're not sure how to help them. BUT, I feel like you've tried to communicate your needs to your boyfriend, and instead of trying to listen so he can fulfill those needs, he's selfishly turned the situation into something about *him.* Personally, I would encourage him to seek counseling. If not, you may have to accept either getting emotional support from other people you're close with, or finding a partner who's better able to support you in your time of need.

[Asker]

I think the issue you raised of emotional immaturity is a good point. I do consider that he is quite immature in some ways - although he's 27, he has always lived at home and had much of everything done for him. His parents have been quite protective. I don't want to sound patronising towards him but I do wonder if he will develop greater empathy in dealing with some of the challenges adult life and greater independence tend to bring.

[Anonymous]

Some people just simply are very bad at being nurturing. Him pointing out all the reasons why you logically shouldn't be upset is his version of being nurturing. He knows that he's not great at it, and so he get's upset and uncomfortable when a situation arises that you expect him to be. His attempts aren't good enough to make you happy, so he get's upset.

The fact that he at least tries to be there for you should make you feel loved.

I'm a lot like your boyfriend. I SUCK at comforting people who are upset. So I get very uncomfortable when someone opens up to me, because I have no clue how to act.

[Asker]

Thanks anon, I realize that some people, not just men of course, find it more difficult to know how to respond in such situations - as an extreme example, my father had aspergers and I often observed his difficulty in emotionally demanding situations. I just worry that his response is more one of anger or irritation than anything else. I would appreciate any efforts otherwise even if not particularly successful, since I know that comforting does not come naturally to all.

[Opinion Owner]

I think he is probably angry and irritated. Which is childish of him. But I think the anger and irritation stem from him not knowing what to do.

[DanAG]

That's a huge gulf between guys and girls.

Men are too busy trying to understand the "why" instead of the "what". If they can't understand "why" you feel the way you do, then they write it off like it's not important. Once they write if off, then they start thinking you are just acting silly, or mental, or irrational, or overly emotional, or whatever.

Men need to stop trying to figure out the "why" and just accept the "what". It's not nearly so important to understand why she feels the way she does as it is to accept that she *does* feel a certain way. That's the first step for a guy toward learning to be sympathetic and understanding of women. (and the reverse is true for women to accept what is important to men, even if they don't understand it)

It sounds like talk isn't working with your boyfriend. He just doesn't get it. When you want his sympathy maybe try just pulling him to you tenderly without a lot of words. Just wrap around him and say "just hold me, please?" or something similar. He probably does have a tender side, so try bypassing the logical side (words) and go straight for the non-verbal stuff.

[toulouse]

i look at the why of circumstance first thing--I don't lose my compassion doing so. you can not solve human problems by being a sociopath. its inhumane. human beings have the capacity to be kind and caring towards each other. its how we survived.

there are women who act like this guy just as well as men. some people are selfish. and many men are taught that's what being a man is. there's a large gulf between what we are taught we are capable of, and what we are capable of.

that guy is hysterical.

[Littletad]

There's not many men out there who can comfort a women, on their own. They usually have to be taught, and/or had very good mothers. Men are ruled by their natural given instincts, so they tend to think that most problems can be solved in a matter of minutes, and that emotions are simply... silly. In short, I think you're looking at the wrong person for comfort here. You need your girl friends, or someone close. Or you could try explaining this to your boyfriend, but I doubt he'd listen. I'm sorry, but there's almost no chance of him ever changing. You either have to accept that if he fills all your other needs, or find someone who's better at this sort of thing .

[Littletad]

Woman*

[toulouse]

his reaction is very emotional.its just not helpful. there's no problem solving in what he's doing, he's being a drama queen.

men are perfectly capable of compassion-a human capacity. if both women ad men lacked compassion, you wouldn't be here tday. because without caring for each other human beings die out.

my brothers grew up without a mother and they are very kind and considerate and patient. we all problem solve but not at the risk of compassion. problem solving doesn't exist without humanity.

[Littletad]

So you would deny that there are men out there that lack compassion and empathy? I hate to sound rude, but there loads of men out there who do not know how to exhibit their emotions, let alone consoling a crying girl. Some men, simply don't give a sh*t, even given however or by whoever they were raised by.

[BeautifulMischief]

Those men shouldn't be in relationships that require being a supportive and understanding partner. If you don't understand your partner enough to support them then you shouldn't be with them and if these men you speak of littletad just don't care about any ones feelings there would be no need for them to seek committed relationships which create highly emotionally charged enviornments. There is no use accepting someone who doesn't care enough to sympathize with you.

[Littletad]

Alright, but why are you downgrading my answer and speaking out at mine, rather than condemning the women who continue to date men who are heartless like that in the first place? It's like you're trying to "convince" me of something I already know. I'm merely saying, some men simply don't care. That is not a defensive stance, for their behavior.

[BeautifulMischief]

"There's not many men out there who can comfort a women"

"they tend to think that most problems can be solved in a matter of minutes, and that emotions are simply... silly"

"you're looking at the wrong person for comfort here. You need your girl friends"

You're making excuses for men who are heartless and that'd why I'm downgrading your answer and as for speaking out you're on an advice site expect to be challenged everyone will not think as you do.

[Littletad]

Another user simply said, "He is who he is, accept it or leave him." And yet, you choose me to pick out? I'm not making excuses for men here, I'm simply saying that there are men who are heartless, period. Not ALL men are capable of comfort or empathy. That's not an excuse, and it's not a defense stance for men like that. I have no problem with my advice being challenged or opinionated, but you want this woman's boyfriend to be or feel responsible for his actions. And not every man is the same.

[BeautifulMischief]

You're all "omggg I'm being singled out!" when its not like that I think what he said was ignorant as well. Not every man is the same but simple emotions every human is capable of recognizing, someones crying you realize theyre sad because its not rocket science and no one whos ever cried before has to be taught that. But in your efforts to defend you will probably disagree but you are entitled to your own opinions I just want third parties to see the flaw in this logic.

[Littletad]

Lmao... okay. I'll be sure to check if any of your answers are "flawed" so to speak, and then we can have this playful banter again.

[BeautifulMischief]

See you there ;)

[tswayd]

What an absolutely retarded boyfriend. I understand comforting people can be hard but the way he is going about it is totally moronic. Rare to hear of anyone so emotionally inept. How is he going to relate to anyone if he can't shoulder their sadness? Slap him for me will you? Thank you

[Asker]

Thanks tswayd. I do worry that without a basic sense of empathy, he might struggle to raise and support a family as we had planned. Even if I compensate for a lack of support in the relationship by talking to friends as others have suggested, I do wonder how he might deal with the emotional states of children.

[tswayd]

Well it may be that he is struggling from something emotionally or he is just immature. Either way he should not be putting you down for being sad. Maybe his family or friends can help you understand his behavior better. May all turn out well

[Singing_Hollow]

You need to understand that some people are just not affectionate/emotional people. My boyfriend is similar, when he sees me cry he tends to feel awkward and doesn't know how to handle it because he isn't emotional like I am. He has gotten a lot better and will kiss my forehead or wipe my tears but for the most part he will say "if you want to talk I am here" and walks away. I have learned that this is his way of comforting me and I can't expect him to change that. My dad is also pretty weird with emotions, if my mom was hurt or crying he would get defensive, not because he is mad at her but he doesn't like seeing her cry and will react in a more " just fix it" way lol.

[JacobJordan]

unfortunately guys are hardwired to solve problems. and you crying is a problem. not literally but for guys it is a problem and so he wants to make you feel better. equally unfortunately he has not quite mastered the art of "this is not a situation in which my brain is needed" he doesn't mean anything nefarious by it he is just trying to solve the problem. Which of course as people age and guys specifically realize makes it worse. best thing to do is talk to him. tell him you appreciate him trying to solve what he considers to be a problem and then explain that the best thing he can do is just sit down and hold you and tell you he loves you etc. based on what you are saying it sounds like he is not doing it on purpose and is instead thinking he is helping

[Staximus]

If his dad is still alive or he's not close with his dad, he can't understand and is an insensitive inconsiderate asswipe. When you told him you were thinking about your dad, he should have just sat down next to you and put his arm around you and kept his idiot mouth shut. Not say stupid insensitive dismissive shit like "it doesn't do any good to dwell in the past" like you're just going to forget about your dad. Tell him you're not just going to forget about your dad like some fucking sociopath, and he needs to pull his head out of his ass and think about how other people feel. Not just put up a wall and shut you out like a childish little bitch boy because he's uncomfortable with your display of emotion.

[Jbear27]

Someone made him feel the way he does. His father probably gave him a lot of tough love and he was never allowed to express himself or get comfort from others so he learned to just bury it and suck it up and be a man or whatever, so he probably has a hard time recognizing what’s going on and what you need from him. You’ll have to find a way to communicate what you need without him getting frustrated and pushing you away because it’s just healthy.

[shyguy89]

tell him to toss all his logic out the window cause he sounds reallly smart maybe to smart he has to play it simple cause using complex words in a simple situation only makes things more harder cause its like he is challenging you and I can understand where he comes from also so women make things more difficult than need be...i would say introduce some drinks to the mix. cause he may need to be in an emotional state to comfort an emotional person but its just a theory XD

[CallmeTheKnight]

For 4 years in still acting like the beginning stage. Tf, get control of your emotions. If he’s doing that when you get mad, did you ever react nasty to him when he tried a few times? If so, thats a good reason to give you space. If not, the both you need to grow tf up and talk this crap out. You have no business being upset and not calm down around him and he has no business telling you that you are crazy when you are upset.

[BeautifulMischief]

He doesn't sound like someone worth keeping, but I'm sure there is something you like about him. What is his redeeming feature that makes you stay?

[Asker]

Hi Beautiful Mischief. We are able to laugh together and although we're from quite different backgrounds, I've enjoyed learning about his different perspectives on life. He is hard working and maintains different hobbies and interests, which I admire. Most of the time we spend together is in high spirits. Obviously we have been together quite a long time now, and as we've gotten older and had deal with more challenges in life, this issue has come to light.

[BeautifulMischief]

Any of his parents or anyone close to him die yet? or is his behavior something that is not exclusive to grief?

[Asker]

No he has not lost either of his parents or anybody close to him yet. It's a general pattern of behavior in response to my being upset.

[BeautifulMischief]

Why don't you try doing it to him? I guess if I summoned a more patient part of me I would probably think he doesn't know how it feels to be totally dismissed and have his feelings disregarded. Show him and tell him about it later and tell him that's how he acts and he's feeling what you've felt. Maybe then you guys could reach a resolution.

[Asker]

I think I'd find it difficult but you're right, it might be helpful to illustrate my point where talking to him about it hasn't worked. I guess we all learn best through experience.

[BeautifulMischief]

Hope everything goes well for you :)

[Asker]

Thanks Beautiful Mischief, I appreciate help =)

[jmr2191]

Guys are objective. If we can't fix the problem, it frustrates us. Just giving sympathy- it doesn't always make sense to us. If you have a problem, give us a way to let us help you fix it.

[toulouse]

As I said above. problem solving is not the opposite of compassion. solving human problems requires your humanity. if you solve things without a human factor you end up with fascism.

I am a Woman I prefer to solve a problem and I find it very difficult and awkward and abigous to solely deal with feelings. I still make an effort to be supportive when solving a problem. because I'm also a human being.

if you can not lend emotional support to a partner you should not have one. regrdless of your Sex.

[jmr2191]

I can, but the forms of communication strongly differ between males and females, making misinterpretation easy. Try bridging that gap and see how it goes. That's one of the reasons me and my girlfriend have a strong relationship.

[Asker]

hi jmr, that's a good point. How would you suggest I could go about bridging the gap in communication? I don't expect or desire him to be a psychological therapist, but I'd be keen to avoid in future triggering reactions that will compound my pain in difficult circumstances.

[jmr2191]

Unfortunately, I don't have enough space here to explain it in full, so here's a link that will explain it well for you: link

[Asker]

Thank you, that was an interesting read.

[jmr2191]

You're welcome

[PhilaPenn]

He is who he is. Accept it or leave him. I see where both of you are coming from, but you may be asking for something he's not capable of.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

He sounds like a person devoid of deep emotions and lacks empathy.great traits in a boyfriend.

[Iron_Man]

That’s really cruel for him to say that about the anniversary of death