My boyfriend doesn't care when i'm feeling down?

[Anonymous]

So, yesterday after going to the pool i felt quite self conscious about my body, since i've gained weight since getting on birth control (I was visible abs without exercise level of skinny before), so i told my boyfriend over text that i was feeling down, and he asked me if i was okay and all of that over text and asked me to meet up after we both went to the movies (He with his friends and me with mine), i agreed since i was feeling pretty down. When the movie was over i asked him where to meet and he told me that he was tired and was going to sleep, i said okay but i felt really sad.
From only this you may think that i am overreacting and my boyfriend has de right to feel tired and not come and cheer me up or whatever. But it has been already 4 times that he has done this, everytime i'm feeling down and tell him (it usually is at night) he is too tired or he talks about it for about 2 min over text and in the middle of the conversation says "I'm going to sleep goodnigh babe".
I have talked to him about this the previous 3 times this has happend and told him i was bothered by it and i just wanted my boyfriend to be a little more worried about me, and if i am not feeling okay not to go to sleep either way while i'm crying.
This time i'm not saying anything, but if i don't he doesn't notice that he has done something that bothers me, but telling him doesn't work either? So what am i supposed to do?

Updates

1 y

Okay, when i say feeling down i don't exactly mean about my looks, it was just this time. The other three were about when one of my group of friends suddenly didn't want to be friends with me anymore (long story, we are okay now, no longer friends but in good terms), or i was having an anxiety attack bc of school. And things like that, and it has been in the span of a year and a half, so i'm usually a happy girl, don't worry.

[DaveJord]

So honestly it seems like you feel depressed often... so you have to consider that maybe your a depressing person. Sure you would hope your boyfriend would be more supportive at what point is it more of you problem then a him problem?

I dated a girl with body image issues, of course I thought she was beautiful and I told her often... but she constantly sucked the fun out the room with your constant insecurities and then expected me to make her feel better about herself. But honestly there was little I could say or do, if she was not willing to take the steps required to address your own internal issues.

Eventually I told her I can not make you feel better about yourself if you don't already feel good or want to feel good about yourself, I can't make you. I can not help you feel good about yourself if you don't allow yourself to be happy about your self. I mean I feel bad but you are constantly putting your insecurities about yourself on me, and I am kind of getting tired of it.

Obviously the relationship did not last and we were probably both better off.

Happiness is a state of mind and it has to come from somewhere within yourself and not from other people. Sure people help, but it still has to come from you and if this guy is not helping you feel the way you want to feel then you need to consider or alternatives and take the time you need to address your own issues on your own terms.

[Asker]

As i said on the update, it was just this time when i had issues with my body, i usually love it and i've been told i'm kind of a diva (i watch myself in every mirror kind of diva and love taking photos of myself, i have even worked as a model for some friends). So no, i don't have body image issues, but i am allowed to be upset about being bloated every once in a while.
With that out of the way, i am normally an easy going person and handle my own problems and usually if i am down but it isn't something that i need support on i tell him that i'm staying home and he should go hang out with his friends.
This has happened 4 time in a span of a year and a half, i don't get why everyone is saying i need a therapist or i am depressed. Are you happy all of the time? I don't think that's healthy either.
by the way nothing wrong with therapy since i've gone to therapy myself because of some anxiety issues way before i dated this guy. So yeah i have worked on myself, i don't get why everyone is saying it is a me problem when the question was how do i comunicate this issue to my boyfriend so he understands i need this type of support in the relationship, not how do i stop feeling like this.

[DaveJord]

Well honestly in your question you say several thst you were feeling down... so thats depressed to most people.

You say it comes from few extra pounds from weight gain and your self conscious about it... so that indicates body image issues.

These are your words, not mine and is not that big jump to understand wht people are making assumptions your making.

At no time did ask how you should address these issues with boyfriend... actually you seem upset that he's not acting like he cares.

Now say its just a little bloated, and you're a bit of diva. So now I say that you should consider if your making a bigger deal of then it deserves... and possibly thats your issue and it not him in the lease.

Lastly people that are not truly happy and secure with themselves never can or will accept that there other people out there that truly are and can be.

I honestly am not anything special honestly. I above average in looks, and body and physical fitness... but I am not exceptional in any way... am 100% happy, comfortable and confident with who I am.

So my question is are you? And if not is all this really about your boyfriend or about some need of your to feel validated about yourself?

[Asker]

Yes, i've gained weight as i said and normally it wouldn't bother me, i'm not changing my statement, i'm still a diva even with the weight gain, that day i just happened to be affected by it, and i didn't say it was a big problem, it literally says in the original post that from just that you may think i'm overreacting.
I said that it bothers me how he acts when i am upset and what can i do to solve that.
And i am really happy with my life, but i am allowed go have moments when i feel down, and answering your statements, i don't say that i feel down several times, i said that this has happened 4 time in the span of a year and a half, i would say that thats a really small amount of times to feel upset. And honestly, you are using the word wrong, depressed is a mental health problem, which i do not have and mostly affects people on a daily basis. So no, i am not depressed.

[Carolus]

We are all different, with different understanding and reasoning capabilities, if he ain’t giving you attention, deal with it. Change yourself.

-Stop trying to control your partner. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. So, stop trying to control his and focus on what you can control, stop begging for your partner's attention and focus on yourself instead, do personal things that interest you. Hit the gym, change family planning method and that will bring more fulfillment to your life and help you become a better version of yourself.

[Asker]

I actually go to the gym already, study a career i'm interested in and learn languages while keeping up with my hobbies. And by being in a relationship i expect to be able to rely on that person when i'm down, and viceversa.
I'm not trying to change him, i'm comunicating with him and trying to understand how to make this work, i'm not going to suck it up, and begin to resent him because i let go something that bothered me and was fixable.
If he doesn't want to change i would find someone who aligns with my ideas of what a relationship should be like.

[midnightmoon05]

I hear we text. We hang out with group of friends.
I don’t hear clear communications.

communicate clearly with what you need help with. Guys want to be there for you.

“hi honey, call me. I am feeling down. Can you help cheer me up?”
“okay, give me 5 m. “

“thank you for calling, I miss you. sometimes I feel really down, and would love to have you hug me. Can you come by at … time?”

No texting!! If he can’t do that. Move on.

[Asker]

That's the thing, i have actually sat down with him and explained why this upsets me, and he understood told me he wanted to be there for me and that he would try to be better, but then did it all over again, 3 times. All of those times he said that in the moment he doesn't notice that he is doing that, and it's not until I am upset that he notices and feels really sorry (I know he is, that's why i have been forgiving him and moving on, i'm not an angry person so i don't last more than a day upset)

[midnightmoon05]

Sounds like he needs training. Upto you if you want that job. Most guys your age are not very mature.

[kylee2437]

You need to figure out your wants in the relationship and discuss it with him. Seems to me like you are using this as a way to hint what you want from him without being direct. “Hey I want to see you because it helps me feel better and I need some comfort” something as simple as that. Not everyone is a mind reader. If he ignores you efforts to discuss what you want, then you can automatically assume that he doesn’t care.

[Asker]

That's the thing, i have already done that, i sat with him and explained why i was bothered by him not showing up when i'm down, and he said he understood and would try to be there for me the next time. This has happened 4 times, the incident, the sit down and talk ad the promise

[kylee2437]

@asker sounds like a compatibility issue then. Seems like you want a guy that will bring you flowers to make you feel better and all that and he’s just not that. You need to learn you can’t change someone but you can find someone else that gives you that

[boggboss]

U clearly need to find a partner that can give u what u want as he has shown u he either can't or simply won't what I will say tho if I was with a girl that multiple occasions got down because of insecurities of her looks I don't know if I would say with her long term as that can be a uphill battle

[Asker]

I'm not usually down about my looks, don't worry, it was just this time.

[boggboss]

Fair enough but my other point still stands if on multiple occasions u hav3 been upset and he dont care then he ain't gonna change no matter how much u bring it up so u have to decide if this is somthing u will accept long term

[Staximus]

Sounds like you need a psychologist and your boyfriend is not a psychologist. You can't keep getting all upset and worked up about stupid little trivial shit. You need to get a hold of yourself, get control of yourself. What are you going to do when you have a real problem in life?

[Asker]

? If something bothers me then it's a problem it doesn't matter if it's big or small, i don't follow that "Life is tough" philosophy.
I don't need a psychologist, i need support from my partner when i'm feeling down, i don't expect him to solve my problems, i just want to talk about it to someone i trust.
And i have had real problems in my life, and i handled them all by myself, but when you have someone by your side, isn't it better to have that support? I am not saying that i need him or i would die, i am saying that i like when he is there for me, and it upsets me further when he acts like he doesn't care.

[Staximus]

If you can't go spend the night at his place or he come over to your place at the end of the night, what is he supposed to do? Maybe he thinks you need to get over whatever the little problem of the night is and go to sleep. If you need to talk to him do bad, drive over to his place or have him come over and spend the night. People have to get up in the morning and go to work, school, etc. Why should he stay up half the night talking to you because you are bothered by stupid shit like not having great abs, girl in an argument with your dumb friends, or some other trivial horse shit?

[Asker]

He lives 10min away by foot, so no need to spend the night, and i didn't even ask for him to come, even though i would lile that, i would just like for him to not go to sleep in the middle of a conversation about something that's bothering me.
Also, he is on vacation, so no, he doesn't have to get up in the morning to go to work.
And i'm feeling sorry for everyone in your life, specially if you have a significant other, because saying that something that bothers someone, even if it's small and insignificant is dumb or "horse shit", is not only hurtful (Thankfully i have thicker skin and i don't give a shit about your opinion of my problems) but also incredibly disrespectful, so good luck maintaining any sort of relationship with that way of thinking.

[Staximus]

I'm going to give you some advice that will help you live a peaceful life. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Stop turning small problems into big problems in your mind and in real life.

[Asker]

That doesn't work for me, i like to solve or fix my problems, and find solutions by communicating with my partner, so i don't end up hating him in the future because all of this little problems piled up.

[Staximus]

I'm taking about being worried about arguments with dumb friends, you can't see your abs, etc. If nobody is going to die, it's not a big deal.

[Staximus]

You need to find peace in your mind

[Gent207]

Curious, if you wanted to talk to him about your feelings why would you agree to go to the movies? Why wouldn't you ask to meet at a park and just walk and talk?

[Keepitreal007]

Sorry you’re going through that. He seems out of tune. I would talk to him about it and if it doesn’t change move on if he doesn’t care now why will he later.

[Asker]

That's what i fear the most and why i would like that he understood what i am saying, because i know he doesn't do it on purpose and he really feels sorry afterwards, and i don't want to break up with him over this

[Keepitreal007]

Keep talking with him and give it some time and see if it improves. If not you’ll have some choices to make. Good luck to you.

[BarryLiverstone]

He does care. You said that he talks to you at night right?

[Asker]

Sure, but texting for 5min it's not the same as showing up or even if he is tired, just, calling me?

[BarryLiverstone]

No it’s not the same however you have to be fair with your expectations. He has a right to take care of himself first and then he can give you energy. If it’s late at night when you let him know you feel sad he may be tired and decide to go to sleep as that’s healthy for him.

I’m these cases did you give him lots of notice that you feel sad and many hours so that he could plan to call you or visit that day?

[Asker]

I don't usually plan when i'm going to be crying? And it isn't late at night, since i now he goes to sleep at 10pm i usually don't bother him after that hour

[BarryLiverstone]

Correct. You can’t plan on when you feel sad so as a boyfriend he doesn’t need to be there when you do cry. You are a big girl and you can choose healthy ways to cope with negative emotions. Crying is an excellent way to cope and you can do that on your own.

But by setting expectations I mean giving him time and a heads up on what you need. For example you were feeling insecure about your weight gain (and yes I know that’s not a recurring source of negativity for you). You felt sad so you let him know and you cried by yourself. What you could have requested from him was quality time the next day or this weekend when he is free. That allows him time to acknowledge your needs and plan to be there to support you and dedicate time for connecting with you. You shouldn’t expect him to play the role of a therapist and call you for an hour that night right?

[Asker]

Yes, he doesn't have the obligation, but it is something that i expect and want in a partner, the support and knowing that he cares for you, i'm not a chore he needs to schedule, and by the time he has time i may no longer need to talk about it and talking about may bring me down again, so no, i'm not waiting for him to be free.
And it not being his obligation doesn't tale away that it makes me feel bad when he does that, and that he has promised to be there for me.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok so In reading the details again I would say that your boyfriend failed in this case because he mentioned meeting up with you after the movies then failed to carry through on that promise. Sure you going to the movies with him is one way to cheer you up but because he let you know that you and him could meet after for one on one time then he can’t expect to Ghost you and be by himself after knowing you feel down

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok so my next question is when you expect his support and knowing that he cares in that moment at night when you are crying or feeling sad can a 3 min text exchange meet your needs or does he need to devote an hour or more to call you or come over and visit?

[Asker]

Even a text conversation would be enough, just not leaving in the middle of it because you want to go to sleep.
I don't know how to express this, but it just feels like he doesn't care enough about me, because if he was sad i would be speaking with him until he cheered up or he told me that he was better.

[BarryLiverstone]

You expressed it well enough for me to understand and I’m not your boyfriend. You need to educate him on how he can have such a text conversation and how he will know it’s ok to say goodnight. I know you have talked to him and he said that he would try but you both need to go a step further by doing some role playing and giving feedback until it’s clear.

Rn what he’s thinking is that he is trying. He gets a text that you are sad so he replies and briefly says he’s sorry. He may even chat for a few min but he doesn’t exactly know how to support you and how to cheer you up in a few min. He doesn’t want to spend 3 hours on the phone hearing you vent when he knows you can cry and he can support you the next day.

So your job is to teach him how he can make you feel loved and cared for. His job is to follow though. He needs to speak your love language and it may take him years to get good at this

[TheBootyChest]

How long have you been with him?

[Asker]

1.5 years

[TheBootyChest]

It sounds like a red flag that he doesn't care about how you feel.

[Asker]

But after i explain to him what has bothered me he looks so sorry and tells me he will try to be better the next time, but the next time comes and he does the same thing all over again

[TheBootyChest]

I deal with that ALL THE TIME with everyone around me. They SAY they will change and they never do. It has caused fights in my friendships and with family.

[Asker]

It's the worst, i don't even know why i take the time to explain it

[TheBootyChest]

Just remind yourself that you have to be careful what you say around those people, and don't expect much from them moving forward until they show signs they might have changed.

[Anonymous]

🤣🤣🤣