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I see posts from guys and girls complaining about this all the time. They talk about how they wanted to date someone and have a commitment with them...then they run into having really common issues. They found out their potential SO was fucking other people while dating them or never was interested in having a relationship with them.
Or, their potential partner behaved really romantically, and so it seemed like they had feelings too. Until they completely refused to be in a relationship. Or once again it was found out that they were still fucking others. There are just so many terrible stories that center around casual dating on here.
I know the common advice is just to just let things develop over time. I think that can work a lot of the time, but on the other hand...why just leave things to chance? I think when you do that, you give the other person all of the power to decide, because you keep waiting for them to respond to your signals. Why wait and have everything be confusing, or find out surprises later on? I think you should tell your potential partner ASAP that you're looking for a relationship.
Then there's no beating around the bush, and if they do something you don't like at least you fleshed things out beforehand. But if you don't have an agreement from the start, for what you want and need, then how will you be able to get what you want and need easily?
This is why i personally don't like the idea of waiting for sex. I feel like if I felt like we had to wait for sex then I must not feel comfortable with him yet...so why is he even my boyfriend? I know people can have all sorts of reasons for waiting including personal and religious ones. But for me, if I don't trust him, there's no point in him being my boyfriend. And if he agrees right from the beginning to have a relationship with me, then that means there's no reason to wait for sex....we can just be exclusive.
And together. And happy from the start....or if we break up, at least it was established we were together in the first place.
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1Opinion
Because sometimes titles are not a "one size fits all" sort of thing.
Example, I am currently "seeing" someone that initiated the whole thing. She is still trying to get over her previous relationship, and is fearful she is rebounding. She also is the type that has been in serial monogamous relationships her entire adult life. Jump from one guy to the next.. she feels that is a pattern she has to break.
So, we are dating, but she asked for exclusivity. Just to see where things are, give her time on her own to focus on her career. It seems to be inching closer and closer to being an actual relationship.. I can tell it is on her mind.. and if/when she is ready for that step, she will let me know. In the meantime, the boundaries we have set, monogamy, communication, these are the solid part I lean on when I start to wonder what is going on. And ultimately, I have to have faith she is being open and honest with me. It isn't easy, but sometimes it is just what you gotta do.
But she asked you for exclusivity?
Yes.. with extra emphasis on monogamy...
That was my point; she was upfront.
But exclusivity doesn't automatically mean she wants a relationship.. Some people ask for that so they do not have to worry the other person will screw around and pick up a disease, then pass it on to them.
Yeah I've heard of that! So friends with benefits... but either way she put her terms on the table. Why won't you tell her what you'd like to happen?
She said we are not friends with benefits.. she said she wasn't sure what to call it.. more than friends, but not a relationship. I made it crystal clear I am only interested in her romantically. She was around in the past and I walked away letter her know that is where I stood, so when she came back, she knew that was my expectation. So she offered to explore that. That is what we are doing... Now, I know more is on her mind. Judging by the way she discusses our shared future, her plans for "us".. or how she occasionally will call me her boyfriend.. then stop herself.. The term she has used to usually describe me is "partner".. whatever that means..
She sounds really conflicted wow. You could if you want, ask her to actually define you guys.
That ball is in her court. I am not going to push anything. If or when she is ready for that step, she will let me know. Yes, she has been burned a lot in previous relationships. I can see most of her actions are a self-preservation sort of thing. If I give her the time, space, and freedom to figure where she is at, I think things will flow smoother. I can still lose her. I almost expect it.. but all I can do is be supportive, loving, and selfless right now...
You sound happy with her so hope things work out for you.
It is frustrating. But I care about her. I hope with all my heart we work.. but am prepared if we don't. She does bring me happiness. When we are together it is the best feeling this old guy has ever felt in the world. But, it is still in the air.. and I will walk away if it fails knowing I gave it my best and treasure the times we had together... If it works.. I look forward to more amazing times ahead.
Interesting thread. hope works out. giving her time makes sense... is she getting counseling? Needs some help of some kind to process her thinking, or time will just slide away. Its hard work figuring out why we do the things we do and why we fail and clash.
@lightbulb27 Yes, she has been for a little while now. On top of all of this, her career is teetering on an edge. She always focused a lot on it, and lost lovers over it. She works 12-6 hours a day and even sneaks in hours on weekends. Right now she is going full tilt in hopes she can save her job. Plus packing in frequent workshops to help pad her resume in the event she has to go look for another job. So she is pretty stressed. I can't do much. Just appreciate the time she can make for me.
That's EXACTLY why I wait to have sex. If I can't trust him with my heart. There's no freaking way I'm makeing myself vulerable by exposing my body.
I know people have different reasons but I'm curious. If you just told him straight away you're only looking for longterm, that wouldn't work?
I do both. You can't be too careful. When your still in the getting-to-know each other stage.