Are some people actually meant to be alone forever?

[Anonymous]

I know that people always say 'there's someone for everyone', and I too used to believe that, not too long ago. Turns out I was horribly mistaken. Sometimes its better to accept certain things will never change and learn to adapt, rather than whining an d complaining about being 'unfortunate; or 'unlucky'. I have now realized that I'm meant to be alone forever, because I don't have telepathic or hypnotic powers to MAKE someone like or love me.

This realization has just sunk in for me, and I'm trying out ways to adapt myself to a lonely life. I need to make enough mental preparations so that I don't end up falling into depression or something worse, at some point in my life.

So what do you people think? Could some people be so undesirable and loathsome to the opposite gender, that they are meant to be alone and their only way of being contented is to adapt to a lonely life?

[bijinbijinbijin]

humans are social creatures. We are not meant to be alone, thats why people who spend a lot of time alone end up going crazy. You are confusing being single with being alone. Being single is something totally different. There are many people who actually do not want to be in a relationship and love being single. My dad has been single sinse before i was born

If you feel lonely you can always go spend time with your friends and family. Have a hobby and meet people that share the same hobby as you. If you dont have many friends you can just go take a class somewhere where you can meet people or look online, there is a website called Meetup. com where you can meet groups of people who share the same hobbies as you. If you find something that you love doing and you spend a lot of time doing it then you won't even think about being lonely becasue you would be happy doing what you love.

I do belive there is someone for everyone but i dont think that means the same thing as there is only that one person out there. In that case, it would totally suck if that one person got hit by a car and died before you even got to meet them. I belive that "someone for everyone" means that there is always going to be something about you that someone else will like or find attractive. There is always going to be someone who like obese girls like there is always going to be someone who likes skinny girls. . If you are into astrology then there are only 12 sign, one sign might not mix well with your sign but there is always going to be other signs that do. Or if you are into the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator then there are 16 different personalities and there is always going to be someone who does well with your personality type.

everyone has the potential to be good matches for multiple people however we live in a society where we prefer one monogamous relationship at a time. An obese woman may think that no man will be attracted to her when actauly more than one man prefers obese

[bijinbijinbijin]

Having positive things going on in your life, being happy, smiling, and being friendly are things that can draw people to you. Someone who comes off as lonely and depressed may scare others away. I suggest you find a way to be happy first and then happy people will flock to you. You have to learn how to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else becaseu then you would end up depending on them for your happiness and that is not healthy.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for you long, well thought out and kind answer. I really can't understand why I'm so undesirable. I mean... I have good education, a decent job, I can make people laugh, and I'm reasonably good looking too (although not to the extent of being called 'handsome'). Maybe its got to do with the fact that women these days are almost always attracted to complete assholes who treat women like toilets. My conscience doesn't permit me to turn into an asshole. The few sensible women who actually don't consider jerks as attarctive, are either already in relationships, married, asexual or gay. :(

[bijinbijinbijin]

its probably becasue you have that attitude right there "women these days are almost always attracted to complete assholes who treat women like toilets" My fiance is nowhere near being an Asshole and he does not treat me like a toilet. I do not have lowself esteem and do not allow anyone to mistreat me. Why are you concerned with low self esteem women. Go for a woman with some self worth. Every woman is not the same but when you go around thinking that they are you will find your self struggling to connect with a woman. Stop judging women before you even know them, if you want them to do the same with you.

[Asker]

I'm not judging women. But I just don't seem to understand why assholes are able to pick up girls left and right, whereas I'm being completely ignored even though all I desire is for a normal, emotionally bonding relationship.

[bijinbijinbijin]

because ther is someone for everyone that is why. Just like i already told you there is always going to be something about a person that someone likes. Not every woman wants an asshole but that doesn't mean that an asshole doesn't have the potential to attract someone.

[bijinbijinbijin]

you notice assholes and crappy women more becasue you are a negative person. If you were a postive person then you would notice more positive relationships out there and see fewer crappy ones.

[Asker]

No one is a negative person by birth. Circumstances make them negative. And I don't suppose I'm more negative than most others. I do notice good relationships too, but I was only stating that I was bewildered at how easily the jerks manage to get women. I do notice really kind and sensible women and also make an effort to approach them, but they almost always find me 'unattractive'.

[bijinbijinbijin]

And you are positive that these kind and sensible women were emotionally or sexually available?
I dont know exactly how far you got with these kind and sensible women but a lot of times people are just not emotionaly or sexually available, sometimes they have serious things going on in their life and therefor they are not even looking for friends or a relationship at the time. That doesn't mean that something is wrong with you, it only means that you approached them at a wrong time in their life. a lot of people can be unfriendly but that is their issue. You have to move on and meet the people that you do best with and stop caring about the people that you dont.

[Asker]

Sex is the least of my priorities, especially before bonding emotionally with the person. And as for emotional availability, I pretty sure they weren't seeing anyone at that time, nor were they looking for a period of time when they wanted to be single. Almost always, the common response from most of them used to be something like "You're a great guy but just not my type". And to rub salt on my wounds, they say things like "but I'm sure some lucky girl will find you very much attractive and desirable".

[bijinbijinbijin]

just because a certain woman didn't want you doesn't mean another woman wouldn't want you. sinse when did us women vote that particular woman to be the leader and representer of all women. I dont even know her which is more reason why she doesn't represent me. I have had my heart broken before but that was that guys loss. Im now engaged. You need to have some self worth. Its not your fault that particular woman was dumb and its not your fault that you were not her type. You wer just interested in the wrong woman is all. everyone gets rejected, everyone find themself being attracted to the wrong person but the more experience you get the more you learn exactly what type of person to go for.

[Asker]

Its not just one woman, I'm referring to several women who said something similar to me.
Besides, dating is just TOO DAMN hard for men unless they happen to have the looks of Tom Cruise or the wealth of Bill Gates. Women can just sit around without raising a finger or batting an eyelid, and can still have dates/relationships served to them on a platter. But a man is supposed to approach, strike up a conversation, ask for the first date, pay for the first date, lean forward for the first kiss, ask and pay for the second date, take the lead on sex, buy the first present, ask her to be his girtlfriend, buy a ring and get down on one knee. And there is a possibility of being turned down at every step of this long and tedious process.

[bijinbijinbijin]

there you go again with that negative talk. As long as you are negative, you will have negative results.
Also my fiance looks nothing like Tom Cruise. I also dont think Tom Cruise is that attractive. If i had to pick someone famous then I'd say he resembles Irv Gotti a little bit lol however i dont think Irv Gotti is that goog looking. My fiances face is much brighter and cheerful looking

[Asker]

I just used Tom Cruise as an example, because most people think he's good looking. Anyway, I don't suppose there's anything i can do. In the present generation, winning a woman's love and affection is a tougher task than climbing Mount Everest. Since I'm not up to the task of climbing Mount Everest, I'm unable to win a woman's love either.
Thanks for trying to help me out. i really appreciate that. But women can't really understand the issues faced by men when in comes to getting a woman to like them (and men can't understand many things about women either). Mine is probably a lost cause anyway. I'd better focus on things which I can actually achieve, rather than regret about matters beyond my reach and capability.

[lumos]

Nobody is "meant" to be anything, really. It's not like the universe decides that some people are going to be alone forever just because. That would be kind of narcissistic to think, since humans are fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. You reap what you sow. If you never go out, never try to improve yourself, never put in any effort into trying to attract someone, as well as have no things going for you, then you can't exactly expect anyone to be attracted to you. It's true, you can't make someone like/love you, but you sure can make it a lot easier for them by at least trying to be desirable. And I'm not saying that you need to change yourself entirely just for the sake of pleasing others, no. But there's always room for healthy improvement, and usually it doesn't really require that much effort either.

[VulcanHades]

Says the woman blessed by the gods. :p

It does require a ton of effort if you have personality disorders and a depression. But yes I agree there are things we can control and things we can't control in life. We are ultimately responsible for the things we have power over. Things like weight, clothes, haircut, hygiene, attitude etc. If we choose to ignore these and don't make an effort to improve them then we have no one to blame but ourselves.

[lumos]

@VulcanHades hah. And yet I've never been on a date, or had a boyfriend. :p As I said, you reap what you sow. I could have put tons of more effort into meeting guys and taking the initiative, which I haven't. I've put some effort into it, but not enough.
If someone has personality disorders and suffer from depression, they should put more effort into getting better first and focusing on themselves, before thinking about getting into a relationship. But yeah, otherwise I agree with you too. Taking care of your personal hygiene and making sure your clothes and haircuts are at least somewhat up to date goes a long way. Exercising is definitely good too. If you feel good, you look good. Taking care of yourself usually makes you feel good. :)

[Asker]

@lumos and @VulcanHades
I do maintain excellent standards of hygiene, and also have a great fashion sense (that's what I'm told). I'm always clean shaven too, and short-medium hair. I make sure I always use deo so that I don't smell bad. In terms of physical appearance, I don't suppose I can think of anything that makes me 'undesirable'.
Its just that for some reason, women either say I'm not their 'type' or they feel I don't 'click' with them.

[lumos]

Asker, that's really good. It's definitely a step in the right direction. Are you funny? Intelligent? What do you bring to the conversation? Do you flirt? Do you make your interest known? Are you a pushover? Are you pushy? Are you touchy or not? Is it hard for you to open up to people?

[Asker]

@lumos
Thanks for the appreciation. Yes I'm funny, and I can make even people who are down in the dumps, laugh a bit and cheer them up. I'm not really 'that intelligent', but I happen to be a good problem solver. I can come up with solutions even when there doesn't seem to be any, using unconventional methods. I don't think I'm a pushover. I mean... I respect women and don't treat them like crap, but I don't place them on a pedestal either. I tend to take the middle path here. Its not hard for me to open up at all. 10 minutes would be more than enough for me to open up.
Having said that, I really have no idea what you mean by being 'pushy' or 'touchy' (English isn't my native language). About flirting... I do, but only in very subtle ways because I don't want to come off as a creep.

[lumos]

Pushy - pressuring people, being bossy.
Touchy - well, touching people a lot. Either appropriately or inappropriately, but still, using physical contact a lot as a means of communication (I'm asking this because it makes some people uncomfortable).
What do you do when you flirt with someone?

[Asker]

Wow, thank goodness 'pushy and touchy happened to be negatives, because I'm neither of those!
As for flirting... I'm not able to recall any specifics, because its always according to the situation. I compliment them on their hair/dress/shoes etc., use some mild pick up lines, say some slight lovey-dovy kind of words etc. but I make sure I NEVER say anything remotely sexual. It may or may nor be comfortable to her, but its certainly uncomfortable for me to flirt sexually, or say sexual stuff too soon.

[lumos]

Ok. Well, on paper you seem to be fine the way you are. You definitely have all the potential in the world. Just keep trying and don't let it get you down when you get rejected. Being positive is really attractive.

[Asker]

Thank you. Your words seem to have brought me a ray of hope. By the way, do you suppose this could make up any 'flaws' in my physical appearance? I mean... I'm quite short (5'7" or 170 cms), and my looks are somewhat unconventional (I wouldn't call them 'bad'). I look a bit younger than my actual age (I'm 28, but I look to be around 23 or 24). And I have somewhat delicate-looking skin (clear face, very less hair on my arms etc.). Are these potential tun off for girls?

[VulcanHades]

@lumos Are ye shittin me? Not one date, not one bf? That is baloney miss. It's not very polite to lie you know. Although I suppose it is ladylike. :)

But you are right. It's crazy how just going out for a walk and excercising can make you feel better about yourself. I'm not as depressed as I used to be thankfully, now I at least view things positively instead of always being cynical and bitter. But the personality disorder isn't something you can really change I think, it's just the way I am and I don't really hate being this way. I actually like myself lol. It's just different than the norm. I hope some girls can appreciate my different personalities but it does make it harder and confusing to know me. And it does make it harder for me to give a good first impression.. I don't really know how I can improve this unfortunately.

[lumos]

Asker, to some girls some of those things might be a deal breaker. But, you can't please everyone. Plenty of girls are ok with guys who are 5'7, and having a clear face is a good thing. The age thing can be to your benefit when you get even older, too (and at the moment I wouldn't even say it's a flaw or a problem). So, it really depends on the girl.

[lumos]

@VulcanHades I'm not lying. :p Though, some meds are supposed to tone down the personality disorder a bit. But I can understand if you don't want to take meds, especially if it isn't a huge problem. Some people even say that it makes them feel worse, but I guess that depends on the person.

[Asker]

@lumos
The thing is, the average height of adult males in my country is 5'6", and I'm actually an inch taller than that. So I'm not really 'short' considering this aspect, but according to international standards of height I'm probably a Lilliput. In any case, most women around the world are shorter than 5'7" and I've heard most of them say that they don't mind the guy's height as long as he's taller than her. So I guess I should be 'acceptable' to a majority of women in terms of height.

[lumos]

I agree. And no, I don't think the rest of the world considers you to be a lilliput, just slightly shorter than average.

[Asker]

Thank you so much, your answer and comments really gave me a lot of confidence! Now one final thing about which I need your opinion. I have certain lifestyle habits which may be considered 'unattractive'. I'm a strict vegetarian (trying to convert to vegan), an atheist, and also totally refrain from smoking and drinking (I don't do these even occasionally). But please note, I would never expect a potential partner to follow the same lifestyle. As long as they don't force me to change these, I too would never have a problem with their lifestyle.
So do you suppose these aspects of mine could be turn offs?

[lumos]

Nope, definitely not. Most girls would be happy to know that you don't drink/smoke. I think most girls are pretty indifferent about your eating habits as well as long as they're not too unhealthy. I don't know about being an atheist. A lot of religious people want to marry someone religious, but then again, there are some that don't mind. Other atheists wouldn't mind for sure.

[Asker]

Thanks once again. The way i see it, more and more people are eventually giving up religion. So maybe this won't pose that big of a problem.

[findingdreamland]

I do believe , there is someone for everyone. But some do not want to break the ice , some are afraid of intimacy, some never try , some stop trying just because of one experience etc etc etc

I believe things are like that as you perceive. Conditions are no longer different than others. But you have to change how you look at things. I do not want to sound like silly Pollyanna but to be realistic, if you really want to be happily in relationship you have to work for it. There is nothing in this world coming from sky.

If you are happy with your loneliness, that is ok. Then i can agree , you are meant to be single. But if you do not like it, then you have to do sth for it instead of complaining.

[Asker]

I'm not complaining, just trying to get some facts right.
Besides, humans are unpredictable so I can't really 'make' someone of the opposite gender like me, right? Their behavior or opinion about me is not under my control. Whatever efforts I put into this, the ultimate decision has to be taken by the other person.

[findingdreamland]

*humans are unpredictable*
what is wrong with that? What do you wanna do predicting them? You do not have to to predict. You need to feel love and being loved. That is all you need. No need any fancy words or sth.
Live is to live. Not about putting some facts. Trust me life is not interested in that.
You have put efforts into wrong people. There are millions of different potential right people, fortunately.
Still it just depends on you. You wanna be loved? Then you have to love.

[Asker]

I have loved many times, but hardly anyone I loved have ever reciprocated that love. So I have done my part, about what was in my control.

[findingdreamland]

You are not done. When we have the last breathe , then we are done.

[Asker]

Its not like I have infinite love within me. I mean... after being repeatedly given the indication that I'm either not worthy of loving, or that I'm not good enough for women, what would be the motivation for me to keep carrying on like this, getting turned down/insulted at every step? Should I actually need to let go of my self respect just so that I can 'hope' to find someone who loves me (which could take years, or never happen)? Or should I hold on to my dignity, and accept the fact that I have to be alone, with my head held high?

[findingdreamland]

You search for motivation? Look at the mirror.
Drop the ego lol Pride never brings happiness. I do not say give up your dignity. I say try when you feel to. If they do not deserve, it is their business.
You are responsible of your behaviors not theirs.
Of course you can not love and should not love someone that does not value you.
But keep searching. There is someone. At this moment she is dealing with some asshole and she is about to give up too.
Should she give up too? I do not think so.

[Asker]

Yes you're right.
Also, I guess there wouldn't be any point in me approaching women anymore, because that has clearly not worked (for whatever reason). I should try letting them approach me instead. I know women don't really approach men too often. But I've got nothing to lose anyway. :)

P. S. This actually happened to one of my old buddies. He was sick abd tired of approaching women for years, with no positive results. When he stopped doing that, he got asked out by 3 girls within a year. Now he's engaged to one of them, and they'll be getting married in February. They make such a lovely couple.

[arielle_cerise]

I think to be with someone, you have to be someone who has something that people want... if you lose that trait or selection of traits, I think it is entirely possible to be alone. :( but adapting to a lonely life won't make a person happy, and you don't need sexual intimacy to be friends and have fufilling relationships with people.
good luck, anon, I hope you find some direction in your life. xx

[J1nnishere]

So sad and so true.

[Asker]

Frankly speaking, its impossible to know what people want. For example, someone might be perfect in so many ways, but can still be shunned by people of the opposite gender for having a slightly crooked nose or a small blemish on the cheek. Not that I have a crooked nose or a blemish, but just giving an example of how difficult it can be.
In my case, I'm quite competent professionally. So to avoid loneliness, I just have to build a great career for myself (I have already taken the fist few baby steps in this regard).

[JackKerouac77]

I think there are some people that most definitely make the choice to be alone or live solitary lives, but as far as "meant to," no I don't believe so.

I have many people that I could socialize with/date in my life, but I choose to spend large chunks of my time alone or without others because I've found that to be most beneficial toward my forward progress.

Mixing and matching with people (especially trying to make a connection) can be difficult and philosophically draining. I almost think it's a skill, having tried for so long and only recently gotten better at it.

In the end, after having gone through multiple reincarnations of personality and attitude in my life, I have decided that my own happiness and satisfaction with certain things is almost always a choice. Adversity has failed to beat me down once I have learned to laugh at its gloomy interior. Frankly, I realize that's a bizarre way to think, but I dig it. I keep learning. I keep living.

I am free.

But what works for me may not work for you. I am only offering friendly advice.

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice. But what if someone wants to love and be loved, but no one is willing to love that person? In that case, doesn't it mean he/she is meant to be alone?

[JackKerouac77]

You can't definitively say "no one is willing to love that person" until you talked to everyone on Earth.

I totally understand where you're coming from and how frustrating/emotionally numbing these situations can be (I've been there many times), but the only way to fix it is to keep talking to people however you are comfortable.

Emotional connections are hard. It sucks. A lot of the skill involved with meeting people and making friends is also combined with dumb luck. Sunny days attract more butterflies than rainy days.

It also helps to seriously look inside, realize what your talents/passions are, and then use that information to make connections with others. People really do appreciate someone who is genuinely interested in something or likes to help others realize their potential.

[JackKerouac77]

until you talk to everyone*

[Asker]

Thank you. Maybe its got something to do with the messed up attitudes of people in the crappy third world country i reside in.

[JackKerouac77]

Yeah, I hear that a lot on GaG actually. Do you live in India? Just guessing.

There are a lot of cultures in the world that are still very traditional. While there's nothing wrong with that, I understand that it can create hindrances/division with other places and ideas in the world.

It might just be something you have to deal with right now, until you get where you want to be.

[Asker]

Yes, you're bang on target. I suppose the reputation of this fucked up, sorry excuse for a country has gone down the gutter universally, and almost every person in the world knows about it. I beat tremendous odds to get decent education here, find a reasonable job, buy a car, work hard to reduce weight, work on improving my looks, become reasonably proficient in English (most people here can't speak good English), earn the respect of my peers for my skills and talent, but what do i get in the end? Women saying I'm unattractive. And being an atheist makes it even worse for me, because most people in this sick country are willing to give up their lives as opposed to dating an atheist.

[JackKerouac77]

I personally think India is just in a transitional period from Third World country to a more developed nation and you're caught in the middle of that, but I understand.

Every country has ups and downs. You just live in one where you may have to be a little bit more subtle/cautious about things to avoid ostracizing yourself for now.

[Asker]

Nothing works here pal. You know, even if I smile in a friendly way at a woman, she gives me such a nasty, evil looks suggesting that I raped her or something.
And no, India is actually taking steps back to transition into the medieval times. Every single aspect about it is fucked up to the core. Thankfully I'm getting out of this shithole within a year (due to professional reasons, mostly) and plans are already underway. But then, i don't suppose I'll have any luck with women in that country as well, because ndian men are stereotyped as 'ugly, dirty and perverted' in first world countries, and so they're hated for that.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I think if people choose to be alone, or give up they will be alone forever. As for 'someone for everyone' I believe there are several for everyone. The one you end up with is mostly luck

[Asker]

This is not about 'choosing' to be alone. No one chooses to be alone. But sometimes it becomes essential to accept the reality because the basic human need to love and be loved, has today become possible only for a privileged few.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Yes, it is a choice. You are choosing right now to have an attitude of "the need to be loved is possible only for a privileged few"

[Asker]

No, its not what I am 'choosing'. Its what i have 'realized'. If its something that's got to do with non-humans, I can always keep doing it until i succeed. Even if I fail a driving test many times, i can always come back with more practice and eventually clear it. And if a piece of software i develop doesn't work as intended, i can keep refining it until it performs to my satisfaction. In short, these things are IN MY CONTROL.
But when it comes to humans, it doesn't work that way because I can't keep refining or changing them to accept me or like/love me. They either like me, or they don't. It can't change, can it? I'm not in control of how people of the opposite gender judge me.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You can change how you approach and interact with them. Having a negative attitude out of the gate will not succeed. You gave excellent examples, because software development is a great example. It takes practice, trial and error, googling for help, and a desire to not give up.

[Asker]

I took up that example because I'm a senior software developer, and have worked successfully on some really challenging projects. I'm well respected and admired among my peers for my technical skills and expertise. Unfortunately, although I'm professionally successful, I'm a failure personally.

And in case of computers, they are actually programmed to behave in a certain way. So if that doesn't happen, its the mistake of the programmer who has to make the changes. And of course, help is available from Google and other similar sites. But with humans, its totally different because they're so unpredictable. You can be the perfect person in so many ways, yet someone of the opposite gender can reject you for having a slightly crooked nose or a small blemish on your cheek (just an example). The trail and error involved is just too much, and the worst part is, there is no guaranteed results.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

When were you ever guaranteed results? Think about it this way, A person who falls in love and gets married has failed at every relationship prior. The best case scenario is you get to watch the spouse you love die. And that's the best case. That doesn't mean that the journey isn't worth it.

And even though your code is perfect, you still have run into problems with security, firewalls, form controls that don't behave right. It's not as perfect as you are pretending.

[Asker]

I agree with you. But how can I keep trying, after repeatedly being ignored by people of the opposite gender? I mean... there is a threshold for everything, right? When it keeps happening over and over, in spite of making positive changes to my looks and personality along the way, won't I feel like I should stop making futile attempts and instead redirect that effort towards something else which is within my reach?

[yaddayaddayadda02]

It's a numbers game. If you only have success 1/100 times, then try with 200 girls. But a defeatist attitude is a self-fulfilling prophesy. You are old enough to know that

[Asker]

Yes, i agree its a numbers game. But if I'm rejected/friendzoned after investing so much of my time and emotional energy into someone, doesn't all that go down the drain in a moment? Besides, I don't even know where I can find women to approach. I mean... I'm not the partying types and I don't drink, so nightclubs are out of the picture. And I can't just walk up to some random women, without coming off as a creep. In the extreme case, she may even report me for harassment.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

First thing to do is not friendzone yourself. You have to understand you are at fault every time you are friendzoned.

And yes you can approach random women. I suggest this. For the next 6 weeks, say 'hello' to 5 women a day that you find attractive. Nothing more. Just a big smile and a friendly hello.

Then for the next 6 weeks, say your hello, but follow up with a compliment. Not 'oh, you are so hot', but something like 'that dress is really pretty', 'your hair looks great'.

So for 12 weeks you have an assignment. And who knows, you may get a positive reaction. But that shouldn't be your goal. Their reaction should have nothing to do with you doing it.

[Asker]

To be frank, i fucking HATE this friendzone. And I'm the type of man who always walks out of the friendzone AND that woman's life with my head held high, rather than staying around like a wuss hoping she would change her mind (because she won't).

Ok fine, I'll definitely try what you mentioned. Hope I get something positive out of it. Even if one of those 12 women simply smiles back at me, that would be an achievement in itself because right now I feel that women hate me. It has reached a point where I even avoid interacting with women until absolutely necessary, for the fear that i may feel attracted to them and they would end up rejecting me anyway. So in a way, i have developed some kind of 'fear' about women. And teh first step should probably be to get of of this fear. My situation may not be as hopeless as I make it out to be. But age can become a problem though. I'm already 29, and that might be too old in this era where 12 years olds are dating.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Send me a private message, I hear what you are saying... I have additional advice.

[Asker]

Alright, I'm sending you a text now. I actually have a pretty good rep on this site when i answer questions, and no one knows the reality about me so i had to go anon while positing this question.

[rjroy3]

Pretty much exactly how I view it, but I say "the ones you meet are based on the choices you make in your life. Kind of like a matrix" in place of luck.

[silvernblackattk]

I dont choose to be alone and im destined to be alone forever

[silvernblackattk]

Do not believe in the law of attraction.. Its bs

[meowcow]

Your question hints at the underlying problem.

"Are some people actually meant to be alone forever?"
is the same as asking...
"Are some people actually meant to be _______ forever?"
Swap the blank with any of the following: poor, jobless, fat, lazy, happy, depressed, snobby... etc.

In short, the answer is no. You are only alone because of one of the following:
1. You choose to be alone.
2. You are not making any effort to change your situation.
3. You are making an effort, but you missed the mark in identifying the problem, thus you can't solve it.

Without knowing what type of person you are, it's hard to tell. But the problem usually lies in the 3rd reason. Many single men wonder "why don't girls like me?", when you should be asking "what do girls like in men?". The reason why you ask the latter question is because then you can identify whether you have those qualities or not - and change them.

Girls often like men who are intelligent, but don't want to hear about the nit-picky details of your work.
They want a man with confidence, which many men confuse with arrogance.
They want a man who is independent, but not so independent that the woman feels she's not needed.
They want a man who constantly makes them laugh.

Those are the basic qualities.

What I find in many introverted men who like to be alone most of the time is that they are intelligent. But when they talk to women, they don't talk about anything that interests women. Like if you're an engineer, that's great. But girls don't want to talk about how you designed a new electrical piece for a motor.

Many men are also douchebags. Alpha males that are outspoken. But they are arrogant, rather than confident. They may be loud and obnoxious, but they are not leaders and do not gain the respect of those around them.

As for independence, a career and home are the basics. Have your shit together, but also make her feel like she's needed to complete the equation.

[Asker]

Thanks for the detailed response. About the blank, everything you mentioned as alternatives (such as fat, jobless etc.) can be overcome because it would be completely under the person's control. But when it actually involves another human being of the opposite gender, no one can actually make others think about him/her as attractive or desirable, right?
Humans are really unpredictable. For example, a man may be perfect in a lot of ways, intelligent, humorous, educated etc. but can still be rejected by a woman because he has a blemish on his cheek. The worst part is, every woman looks for a different set of 'traits' in men, so a man can't keep changing himself often to suit the needs of every woman he tries to court, right? Continuing from the above example... suppose that man gets his blemish treated and approaches the same woman again, she would have found someone else by then. If he approaches a different woman, she would find a different fault (such as a slightly crooked nose).

[Asker]

So the bottomline is, getting a woman to like a man is a tougher task than climbing Mount Everest, except for the privileged few men blessed with the looks of Tom Cruise or the wealth of Bill Gates.

[meowcow]

There is no magic formula that all women like. That goes for men too. I'm sure there are girls with tight booties, huge breasts, caring and loving personality, but my deal-breaker is that I don't like girls taller than me. If she's taller, my interest in her drops to zero, even if she's got the whole package in every other aspect.

The main point is to work on the common qualities that all people like.
If you always complain about your life, and you can identify that, a person can change the way they think and act about it. If your conversations with women make them fall asleep, then learn some female-friendly topics to talk about before engaging with them. If you are shy and quiet, join a local Toastmasters to learn to speak confidently in front of people. Read some books on leadership (military leadership is a good choice) to learn how officers are trained to inspire their men. It works on women too.

[Asker]

I don't really have problems talking with women, or keep them interested. I have a good sense of humor too, and women almost always tell me that I make them feel really comfortable and like they have known me since years, even if we have only met a couple of times. But even if I bring up the possibility of romantic interaction, they almost always say "You're a great guy but just not my type". In that case, it has to be my looks, right? Women don't usually tell a man directly that he isn't 'physically attractive', because they don't want to sound shallow.

[meowcow]

Well, looks may not be the problem. Women do not prioritize physical attractiveness as highly as men do. As long as they don't dry heave at the thought of kissing you, you're fine.

Have you considered whether your friendliness and eagerness to make them happy may have prematurely "friendzoned" you?

The times that I fell in love with young hot girls, I did everything I could to make them happy. Strangely, those relationships often lasted only about 1-2 years. I didn't understand why...

Then, I met a girl who I didn't really care for. But she was crazy about me. She basically tried to do everything to please me. She cooked for me, cleaned for me, lots of sex, would do virtually anything I asked her to. I found that her eagerness to please was actually not a very attractive quality.

She seemed like a pushover, who people would step on - and she'd never speak up about it if you treated her like crap. Then I realized that's probably what happened with my past relationships.

[Asker]

No, I don't suppose that's the case. i mean... its not like I behave differently with men and women initially. Even men have said the same about me being really comfortable to interact with. I never go out of my way to make women feel happy and comfortable. It automatically happens because I'm a friendly and talkative person by nature.

About the 'friendzone' thing. I never... I repeat, NEVER... stay in the friendzone. Whenever a woman friendzones me, I always make sure that I walk pout of the friendzone AND her life with my head held high (although I part on good terms), rather than remaining in the friendzone like a wuss and hoping she might change her mind (she won't, because women never let men out of the friendzone even if their life depended on it).

With respect to that girl who let your treat her like crap... does this actually reinforce the common belief that a man has got to be a jerk, to get a woman to like him?

[PlainOldAdam]

I'm very much like you, in that I know that I'll always be alone. Unfortunately there's nothing either of us can do about it.

In my case, I've had quite a bit of outside confirmation. I remember my parents laughimg at me on my twelfth birthday, tello g me that I'd better get used to p*rn, because a creep like me had no other options... I even remember seeing a therapist a while back who busted up laughing when I told her I was depressed about being such a failure with women, because wishing for a GF was akin to wishing I was seven feet tall. Several other examples, but some of us just aren't meant for it.

[Longblackveil]

Nobody is meant to be anything

I do believe that there is someone for everyone, in fact multiple someones for everyone. But you have to go out and get her. Girls don't just fall into your lap.

I don't believe in destiny or fate or all that bs. We make our own way in the world.

[Asker]

Girls don't fall into my lap, i do agree.. But they can very well find me unattractive, can't they?

[Longblackveil]

Of course.

If you have no confidence and your a weeny, girls will never be attracted to you.

The great thing about girls is that they are not attracted to looks as much as we think they are. Girls are attracted to the way you make them feel and the vibe you put off.

I'm not a pretty guy. I started losing my air at age 17. I still got girls by not letting it get me down and honestly they were good looking girls. I was always suprised by the quality of girls that I could get. It's because I was funny and was never scared of being rejected.

All that said, these days I do live a lonely life by choice, and honestly I don't think its a bad lifestyle. I'm a single parent so I do have my kids, but I'm pretty happy right now and I can't even name you one friend that I have.

[Asker]

Its great that you have kids. I too plan to adopt a kid or two some day, because I wouldn't want to be denied of the joys of fatherhood just because women find me physically unattractive.
Having said that, I'm not really short of confidence. During my university days I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band, often playing to audiences in excess of 100. And even now, as part of my job, I often give seminars and speeches to audiences of several hundred people. How could I do all this, if I were not 'confident'? So the bottomline is, its got something to do with my physical appearance. i can't change that unless I go for something drastic like plastic surgery, and I would never want to stoop to that level.

[sammy_31]

Shit that's what I'm saying people will assume that I am someone that I am not, I can't manage to be with a guy I will truly be happy with. Just when I think a guy cares he doesn't, it's always based on my face and body and they don't even care how I am deep down inside. They drop me a quick as they picked me up when they saw me. Smh. I seem to be forever alone I am not picky, its not hard to be real, faithful, loyal and caring. Whatever.

[decemberxblue]

Would you say you're attracted to the wrong kind of guy? Surely there was someone who genuinely cared to get to know you at one point.

[sammy_31]

It wasn't genuine, I fell for some bullshit lies I was so naive.

[shahab00x]

I know right? It really sucks when I know girls that would be better with me, but instead are with someone just for sex. I

[sammy_31]

Well they say lifes not fair and I'm getting a lot of that shit.

[decemberxblue]

A player? Why do you say naive?

[Lovinu20]

If you would let me (or any guy) know more about you and get closer without feeling i am on pins and needles, maybe you will get somewhere. U r shallow too believe it or not. And yes u can hate me after this but i am at least pointing it out

[Lovinu20]

@sammy_31
And to add to the above... just because i am not into watching sports as much does not make me a queer or weird or anything of that nature. That does not mean i am not masculine or whatever the stereotype is. I am the way i am and it is shallow to ignore a guy solely because of that

[sammy_31]

They don't seem like players but end up being that way. @decemberxblue
@Lovinu20 I am not shallow you're over here getting head over heels without even knowing me just because I'm a virgin and the way I look. You're shallow you only want a pretty, young and virgin girl who is in HS. Who is shallow now?

[sammy_31]

@Lovinu20 WTF when did I say that shit? You are putting words into my mouth, you're over here assuming shit.

[Lovinu20]

Initially, yes. A guy will find a girl attractive, then he will make the attempt to know her more. I initially found you to be stunningly beautiful and found out you were a virgin, which some of many qualities I look for. then I wanted to know you more. You met 2 out of many attributes i looked for in a woman. But i have yet to really know your personality. I want to but i feel i cannot get there.

[Lovinu20]

Your body language and the way you present yourself on here looks like you are a sweet with a cute personality, but that may not actually be the case. Idk.

[decemberxblue]

Damn. I suppose that's the biggest concern for women in dating, knowing if a man's interest is genuine, ulterior motives, etc. I'm unsure if you're saving yourself for marriage, but I assume that would scare most younger guys off. If you don't mind dating a few years older it may be a good route.

[sammy_31]

Welp to be honest @lovinu20 you came off as creepy and I didn't want to be mean. You were being very forward and practically demanded to be my bf like who does that. I am very respectful towards others so I didn't want to be mean. Obviously people are initially attracted to some physically but you just assumed things. I am nice but a bigger bitch when I'm pissed but only when I'm pushed to that limit.

[Lovinu20]

I have Aspergers, very very mild Aspergers, but it affects me enough to where I have trouble communicating with people. I

[sammy_31]

@decemberxblue It would be great but if I lost my virginity to a guy who wasn't just using me and respected and cared for me id be okay with it. I would date a couple of years older but at least my age not any younger at all.

[Lovinu20]

am overall a loving person. A guy who actually wants a relationship and to be a man, a provider, and a protector to his woman.

I have taken a liking to a girl on here because we can communicate and we are both really awkward. I can tell she cares about me and I am starting to really care about her. She is beautiful, a virgin, and she has this nerdy twist to her that i find attractive. She shares emotion with me and i share myself with her. She goes the extra mile and i like her a lot. I feel i can tell her something and feel i will not be ignored. She may have ruined my rep with my job, but she did it because she was genuinely concerned, and i cannot be mad at her for that.

[decemberxblue]

Aww, that's not even being demanding, just kind of expected. :\ When you say they dropped you as quickly as they picked you up, what happened? (If you don't mind sharing that's fine)

[decemberxblue]

And I'm unsure how old you are, but I'd say 25 is when guys are real legit. I wouldn't advise my sisters to day any younger.

[decemberxblue]

Date*

[Lovinu20]

@decemberxblue
Lol it is obvious u r hitting on her bro. Your age states u r 25-29 and corresponds to your comments. U and i both know your motives.

[sammy_31]

Well like I said I'm not a mean person and of you found her then good for you I'm happy for you @lovinu20
@decemberxblue well as soon as they approached me I thought it was legit interest and they played the part well but dropped me as quick as they had interest in me. That was naive of me to think they actually cared. One guy I used to like admitted he was going to use me and leave me. I'm sorry but I'm not some object. Yeah I'm 22 guys typically younger aren't REAL men yet, not saying all of course.

[sammy_31]

@lovinu20 why do you care if he is talking to me you said you have interest in another girl so why trip over this?

[Lovinu20]

Because i am still continuing to know her. I have not sealed or officialized anything yet and neither has she. She states she must graduate high school first (she is a senior) and I must respect that.

[decemberxblue]

@Lovinu20 - Hahaha, I wasn't going to address you, but since you addressed me I'll bite. Was going to ask why she's entertaining you - a level 2 user, just joined, no pic - obvious alias and troll. I'm not being acrimonious with you. Your comment genuinely made me elated.

[Lovinu20]

@decemberxblue
I deleted a previous account due to my pitiful username (I was level 6), and she is friends with me on fb.

[sammy_31]

So why are defensive if guys talk to me this I not the first time you do this. Its odd and doesn't seem like a friend watching out for a friend either. I can handle my own. @lovinu20

[decemberxblue]

It is *not* naive to think someone cares for you. That thought process lies on the opposite end of that spectrum - being overly cynical towards yourself. And that's not fair. Did he actually think that shit was going to fly with ANY girl? He must've been high off something. How long were you talking with those two? 25 wouldn't be a bad gap at all then. I agree, not "all" like you said, but that group has the highest percentage of immaturity/boys, it makes it not worth the hassle.

[Lovinu20]

Because i am a guy and know motives of guys. Girls like you are uncommon and you have very desirable attributes. You stand out more unlike most girls. You set your boundaries and stand your grounds. You are not easy and you make that known.

Some guys will see this differently. Some guys will see this as a challenge and see you almost like a "trophy". As in they like the challenge and see it as a success to get inside your panties. Others will see you as a genuine girl that is perfect for a relationship.

Regardless, I view sex as something very intimate, emotional, and deep and not just a way to make my penis feel good and jizz. And the reason why I hold virginity as a deal breaker is for mutuality reasons. That is a part I am sharing and I feel I would be giving a girl satisfaction for being my first and I am not her first if she was not a virgin. And to know she was up close and personal with another guy hurts.

[decemberxblue]

@Lovinu20 - Allllright. Well, you two seem quite acquainted, so I'll refrain from further comments. However, what I will say is you should chill out dude. When a woman spots signs of jealousy it never ends well.

[sammy_31]

Guys caring wasn't naive seeing them be complimentary towards other girls and thinking they were gentlemen was. It was pure flirting and a diss towards me, basically I never was the only girl these guys would sweet talk. So I call bull when a guy is too sweet for no reason. @decemberxblue

[sammy_31]

@lovinu20 say you get the girl will you be hurt is she already had her first kiss? I mean it shouldn't "hurt" to know she isn't a virgin its not like its a bad thing.

[Lovinu20]

@decemberxblue
Stop playing your passive aggressive games. I know what you were expecting. You thought I was going to feel relieved, and you were expecting her to come back and say something to you on the lines of "no, don't think that" and she will resent me for "making you think that"

[Lovinu20]

@sammy_31
It will hurt little, but not as much as her having full penetration by another guy, that genital-to-genital penetration. That is something very personable and permissibly very "invasive" compared to kissing.

[sammy_31]

Okay yeah I'm done with this conversation. @lovinu20

[decemberxblue]

Although I know not all guys are like that, I do think that's a good rule of thumb. When I see something I like - whether it's a guy/girl/grandpa/little kid - I'll tell them. Like at Walgreens I thought the cashiers hair was nice/unique, so I said that, but it was absent of any underlying emotion. So, maybe try and see if the next guy is being reaction seeking after the compliments. Even towards you. It's a good tell.

[xPoison]

@sammy_31 girl this is like a Telemundo soap opera over the internet Lol

@Lovinu20 I think its sweet you're waiting for a virgin girl because you're one yourself. But just because a girl isn't a virgin doesn't make her any less. Some girls have given their virginity just because they actually loved the person and assumed to be with them for long, but it turned out to be different for them

Now I do believe you need to chill out because this is the internet. Why you're pouring out your emotions to someone you hardly know? This is too funny, I'm sorry.

[sammy_31]

@xPoison IKR help me out! People trippin online I swear I can't even sometimes lol

[decemberxblue]

@xPoison - No, I understand where the guys coming from. They may have even had an actual plan to meet someday. But I agree about the virgin thing.

[Lovinu20]

Alright let's terminate this convo, shall we?

[Latinoguy]

Are you saying you never had a boyfriend Sammy? If that is so, I am shocked cause you seem like a nice person and you are very preety.

[sammy_31]

Yes @Latinoguy I've never had a bf and its legit.

[jackyct]

Well your problem is that you're too easy. That's how you get with the wrong dudes. If you let them screw you before you're even having a relationship status then goodbye sammy.
Guys are like that. Once they got sex they lose interest. So you gotta make them like you first.

[xPoison]

Sammy_31 LMFAO Sammy you're must be having an annoying day in GaG. r you have people calling you easy (I'm pretty sure she didn't read your other comments)

[sammy_31]

Yeah that's why its past tense I was naive not anymore. @jackyct I'm not desperate now either I can see right through guys and they get mad when I call them out.

[jackyct]

Yeah just learn from the past. I was in your shoes once. But I learned how to play the game better

[xPoison]

@decemberxblue apparently it seems like to him he met the girl of his dream on GaG. I wouldn't be surpriseif hr already had a wedding date set smh.

[decemberxblue]

@xPoison - https://tinyurl.com/oau3glz Dude!!! Why did you say that? D:

[xPoison]

@jackyct i think you're misinterpreting it. Opinion Owner isn't easy. She's a V. She has not let anyone literally "screw" her xD

[sammy_31]

@decemberxblue Nah I never was going to meet him. @xPoison yeah it's fucking annoying lol @jackyct must have not I'm clearly not easy but like to assume guys mean their meaningless words. Fuck that shit I have to find out guys intentions because they can be sneakier then girls and its okay. If a girl was like that she's a hoe. Stupid not saying I would be but guys get away being players. Lame.

[Latinoguy]

I'm shocked

[kep79]

The guys who pick you up are like that. You have to start to pick your own guys.

[ItzDizzY]

A lot of guys are like that trust me. You should focus on yourself and don't go after guys, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I felt the same way too and felt I will never find someone that would like me for me and not for my looks and by chance I've met her and now I'm in love haha. But for everyone it's different, you may or may not find someone just yet but you have your whole life ahead of you to find that special person or for them to find you :)

[VulcanHades]

lol sammy is it me or do your comments always create random shitstorms? I'm gonna follow you now to see more weird people talk about strange things. :)

[sammy_31]

@ItsDizzY Yeah I know thanks.
@VulcanHades Apparently and its starting to irritate me guess I should just stop using this site. This shit is beyond annoying I came to help not explain my life problems on here. I ended up doing that fml.

[sammy_31]

Whoops tagged you wrong @ItzDizzY

[sammy_31]

@kep79 yep Ikr

[Prilee1992]

LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE JUST WRITTEN!
The reality comes from how you feel exactly about yourself!
Although I have come across as single for so many years.
Yet, I haven't given up for this case
Because I know I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH for myself.
So, it is useless to put statements here and there to put down yourself.

[Asker]

What I think about myself doesn't change what the opposite gender thinks of me, right? I'm entitled to think I have the looks of Tom Cruise as well, but that doesn't make that a 'reality'. It would make me delusional.

[ironeddie]

"What I think about myself doesn't change what the opposite gender thinks of me, right?"

Wrong.

What you think ABOUT yourself (not who you think you may look like) does affect what others think about you. If you have a negative attitude towards yourself (which you do). Others can pick up on that very easily, and will usually avoid you at all cost.

Likewise if you have positive thoughts about yourself, genuinely believe you're a good person. Show confidence. Most people will not try to immediately avoid you. Or reject you. Most will give you a chance before they make a decision about you. This chance might only be 20 minutes. But if you get it you need to take advantage of it

[Asker]

Its not like I had a negative view of myself since birth. But repeatedly being ignored by the opposite gender over the years, in spite of making lot of positive changes to my looks and personality along the way, is bound to affect my positivity. Besides, its not like I think negatively of myself. I love myself for the most part (including my looks). But everyone can't succeed at everything, right? I may not be good at getting women to like me, but I'm a master in several other things.

[rjroy3]

I wouldn't say they are meant to be alone, but the person they choose to be can be someone not be conducive with maintaining a romantic relationship. If someone wants a relationship, they can always work on themselves and improve on certain qualifies so that they can become better suited to be a good man for a woman. But if that's not what you want, then that's fine. But you can't be unwilling to change and expect that women should fall out of the sky for you unless you are their type.

[Asker]

What 'change' are you talking about? I already made positive changes, but I wouldn't want to make changes which go against my ethics.

[rjroy3]

Basic more superficial changes. Eating better, working out a bit, dressing a little nicer. Always be clean shaven. Spend more time just talking to girls so you have more comfort with the opposite sex so you will be much more likely to meet a girl that has similar values as you. Basically just making yourself more presentable and be more welcoming. Smiling at random girls for no reason at all. Make their day

[rjroy3]

If a girl knows nothing about outside of they feel really good about themselves when they are spending time with you, they will be MUCH more likely to want to get to know you.

[dipta]

I don't think it's about being undesirable and loathsome, but more about having certain expectations met, good timing and a bit of luck or lack of it in finding that person.
If all of those fail, then yeah, perhaps we met our fate. I'd rather be alone than leading a miserable life with someone else. That being said, you're still quite young and don't know what may happen tomorrow. No need to throw your towel just yet.

[DoriantheArtisan]

I don't believe in negative assessments like that. You sometimes simply don't get to be with the person you want to be with. Dust it off and start anew. As long as you have good values and confidence you will find someone. There are times when you feel down and that affects your ability to be loved again. Nobody likes someone who just mopes and feels undesirable. That goes for girls as well.

[Anonymous]

I think I am because I choose to not do what it takes to meet someone. In the majority of cases, it's a choice.

Not saying the choice is all rainbows and lollipops, or that what it takes isn't hard. Just that you shouldn't give so much power to "fate."

[Virtuous]

Well I'm somewhat of a loner, I choose not to hang out with people, go to bars, don't interact much other then my customers at my job.

Lifes what you make and bust your ass to utilize it is basically what I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

I feel that is what i 'm gonna be and I'm alright with that. To be honest I never had a best friend, I just had standard friends and I don't consider myslf extremely close to anyone (family included). I often preferred my own company than with others and do not get emotionally involved with people, though I can still be sympathetic (not empathetic, key difference)

Perhaps I am just a cold bastared but that is me and i 've come to accept myself for that.

[QuiteهGoddish]

If i remember Correctly Jesus Mentioned some people was destined to be single due to different conditions/circumstances & some choose to be single and alone for life under different reasons.

For my advice never ever give up on love, If you failed today it doesn't mean that tomorrow is another failure day, in my opinion , its too Childish to stop searching for the potential partner, dont be a coward., Kids whining but Men build relationships. So Stop hooking up, start dating, keep on dating.

[kangy]

Gosh u sure I wld meet my princr? Give u a hugz

[Anonymous]

No, nobody's "meant" to be alone. Nobody means it to be. Nobody gives a shit about your life or mine. You could and will die alone, unless you make changes in your life. And I don't mean small changes, I mean a shit ton of change.
If someone can get dates doesn't it mean that they are completely undesirable, you could have one or two things that are just off putting, and that's enough for girls to flake.
Are you social by any means? Do you meet and get to know new people on a regular basis?

[Opinion Owner]

*if someone can't get dates

[zombiebabe]

here's how i feel about it
i3.kym-cdn.com/.../...__by_projectendo-d2z3pbc.jpg

[J1nnishere]

well time is ticking!

[zombiebabe]

@J1nnishere : oh man.. sometimes its better being alone than been accompanied by the wrong person

[higherthanaveragejoe]

Your fate is set in stone you will live and you will die. But your destiny (who you are where your life will go and the people you meet) is a path chosen by you. There is always hope.

[bubble_tea]

Like some couples who should never have kids, some people should be alone. Not saying you are one of them, but I've met some people who are scums and deserve to be alone forever..

[PetiteDominicana]

It's really up to you. If you're optimistic about being in a relationship then it'll happen, but if you're Mr. DownInTheDumps all the time then it won't happen. It all depends on your attitude

[Marimar2012]

Meeeeeeee I haven't had a boyfriend and not planning on either I like to travel, read and do wherever I please and I also know no other guy is going to let me run my house the way my father does.

[AdamThomas]

There's no "meant" about it, no plans, no nothing. Some people will be alone forever unless they figure out what makes them unattractive.

[Klaatu51]

i'm meant to be SINGLE 4 EVER and i'm proud of that.

i was BORN single, and i will DIE single. that's what i have to say!!