My boyfriend said that his ex was prettier than me?

[floridanerd10]

A few weeks ago, me and my boyfriend of seven months were joking around. He was telling me how beautiful i was when as a joke, i asked him to rate me on a scale of 1-10. He told me i was an 8 and i would be a 9 if i was taller. I laughed it off although it did hurt since i believe that if you actually love someone, they should be the most beautiful person in the world to you. Anyway, we stayed on this subject for a little while when he said that 'i was one of the prettiest girl he'd ever dated'. When i asked him about it.. He told me about a girl he dated a couple time but they had nothing in common so he finished it. He then told me that she was prettier than me.. And that hurt. I'm a naturally insecure person anyway and he knows that! Any idea why he would say that to me and not expect me to get upset by it? Sorry for the long post by the way!

Updates

+1 y

Thank you for the answers. It really made me think differently.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Well the best way to handle this is to be mature about it.

If it did hurt you and upset you just let him know flatly that "I was hurt when you said your ex was prettier. But I know that wasn't your intention."
Avoid blaming him or accusing him.

This will let him know to either avoid these questions with you, which in the future you should respect, or to understand that you are seeking affirmation in the relationship that you are desirable and thus to boost your confidence in these scenarios.

In reality he was just being honest, which is a good thing. Don't encourage him to lie to you.
Honestly it's a good sign that he didn't feed you some lie.

You may not be the prettiest woman in the world, but you're the most desirable woman in the world to him.
That's what's important.

If he can show empathy and put himself in your shoes, he's a good man. If he's struggling, help him understand why the comment upset you.
Once again, avoid blame or accusations.

[Anonymous]

Why do you ask something you can't handle knowing?

Asking your boyfriend to rate you? How desperate is that.
He even say you're the prettiest one he's dated and you kept pushing the topic, for what? A constant ego boost.

[floridanerd10]

I am not desperate. It was a joke. Clearly you have not read the question properly.

[Opinion Owner]

I read your description and jokes are supposed to be funny.
You were pushing information out of him due to your insecurities.

[ariel8963]

I feel like its normal to think other woman are beautiful but I don't think its normal or healthy for your boyfriend to be comparing you to other women, especially his ex's. If there his exes then I don't see how he even would still find them attractive, at least not more attractive then his girlfriend. When I break up with someone I lose all attraction to them, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I might could say that they were cute and what not but I could never see them to be more attractive then who I'm currently in love with. I think it's more normal for him to give a compliment to women he doesn't actually know or at least someone he hasn't slept with. But still, he shouldn't be comparing you because all women look completely different and just because a woman who looks nothing like you is beautiful doesn't mean the way you look is any less beautiful. He sounds like an insensitive superficial guy who hasn't grown up yet.

[Esplorare]

He's an inconsiderate, emotionally intelligent dumb azz. -_- That was f*cked up.
I'd leave a guy if he said that to me. Not only because it's a hurtful comment but due to the ripple effect of words. That comment is going to hurt your self-esteem for who knows how long. Then the result of that hurt self-esteem may cause you to lash out at him, be suspicious of him, feel insecure when you guys are supposed to be on a date, at the beach, or enjoying your time in public together. Not only that, but it's a reflection of his piss poor level of emotional intelligence. That's a nasty, rude comment and only an emotionally unaware dumb ass would think it's okay to voice something like that.
You're nice. If I were you, I'd ignore him for a week without saying anything to him at all/letting him text and call me with no reply them dump him.

[SomeOtherGuy]

You're reading too much into this guys words. From everything she's said, he didn't seem to be malicious. He's allowed to make this mistake, and so should any person. Your job is to handle it in a mature way. What you've suggested ain't mature.

Also, your advice to play games with his head, be accusatory, and also to be highly neurotic (your man shouldn't be the source of your security) makes me aware that you're the emotionally unintelligent person.

[Esplorare]

@SomeOtherGuy You don't dictate what a woman's "job" is in a relationship. His delivery was not expressed in a mature way. One significant other shouldn't have to go the extra mile and ignore hurt feelings to make up for the other's mistake. It's not about him being a source of security but about him EXERCISING TACT, CONSIDERATION, AND SENSITIVITY.

Perhaps you interpret my advice as game-playing but you don't actually know how my personality operates so you have no legitimate credibility on that. Don't come to my post trying to shove your opinion down my throat just because I'll never agree with yours.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Sorry but you're talking to a vocal asshole. If I think your behavior is out of line, I speak up.

I encourage others to do the same, because otherwise bullies get to have their way.

Course, I can't make others see my viewpoint, nor can I ask them to practice introspection. I learned that by speaking up against people who abuse their spouses. They just defend their actions and I go my way.

" If I were you, I'd ignore him for a week without saying anything to him at all/letting him text and call me with no reply them dump him."

That's a game tactic right there.

Anyways, I don't have to "know your personality." You've pretty much just laid most of it out right here for the internet to see. Even if it's just a glimpse, it speaks volumes.

[SomeOtherGuy]

But I ain't interested in arguing about who you are. If you can't see why your plea for sensitivity and tact and then turning around and doing what you just suggested is hypocritical, I can't help you.

I'm just doing my part and speaking up when I think someone is out of line. Pointing out why bad behavior is bad behavior. I've done that. I don't need to do anymore.

[Esplorare]

@SomeOtherGuy Well newsflash sweetie: You have no legitimate place or right to dictate what specific behavior is and is not out of line due to the fact that you're a total stranger, you are not a party involved, and you don't know the dynamic of the connection in question. It's not a game tactic QA, it's separating yourself from his blatant insensitivity and inconsideration. @QA Your sense of peace and emotional wellbeing is top priority and if his idiotic, careless words effect that then don't give attention to his presence.

You don't know everything sweetheart. I don't know or care who you think you are inviting yourself to my post with your arrogant judgments and speculations about my personality but accept that you are an OUTSIDER to who I am therefore an impartial lens of me based on one answer online doesn't suffice. Just because you're old as hell doesn't mean you are entitled to go around on GAG trying to tell TOTAL STRANGERS about themselves.

[Esplorare]

@SomeOtherGuy You seriously need to get over yourself and stop over exaggerating the worth of your words.
Don't delude yourself about "just doing your part and speaking up" like you're being chivalrous. What you're doing is trying to arrogantly proclaim that you are right and I am wrong.

[SomeOtherGuy]

By the way your speed to hostility and your quickness in attempting to insult me also speaks volumes about your character.

Funny thing, when I brought up to a former friend that she was verbally abusing her spouse and manipulating others, she kind of talked like you.
Sad thing that.
If you don't like what I have to say, so be it. Won't stop me from saying it, and won't stop me from bringing it up.

Anyways. QA I suggest that you employ empathy and compassion in your relation, while still making sure you vocalize your emotional needs.
Don't do what @Esplorare has suggested. It's a poor way to interact with other human beings, and will bring you misery. That kind of mindset with make you insanely defensive and close-minded, which is bad for any relationship.

[Esplorare]

@SomeOtherGuy Once again, your guesses, speculations, and assumptions about a total stranger dominate the messages in your posts.
I'm not hostile honey, I'm fiery but you wouldn't know that seeing as you are an OUTSIDER who has known me for LESS THAN ONE HOUR. Just because you had a friend who was verbally abusive and manipulative doesn't mean you have some miraculous gift of detecting that in a stranger online whom you've communicated with for less than an hour on and off. Get real. Stop pretending that I have to defend my character and presentation on this post to you as if my post is a court room and you're a judge. That further proves my point that YOU SHOULD GET OVER YOURSELF and stop exaggerating how significant your mouth is.

[Esplorare]

@SomeOtherGuy, perhaps you delude yourself that you're entitled to go around wherever you'd like, shoving your views and impartial, flimsy personality assessments in people's face but not on my posts, Sweetie. I don't know who gave you the false impression that you have a right to badger excessively and attempt to discredit someone's personal route and personality just because you don't agree with it but you're forgetting about that wonderful function called the block feature.
You're not entitled for me to sit here and listen to your mouth while you attempt to smear my character.

[Esplorare]

@Asker Take a moment to simply accept that what @SomeOtherGuy says is not a definitive truth. It's simply an opinion arrogantly being expressed as a fact.
Speaking from personal experience, as someone who actually knows my journey (rather than someone sitting online making guesses and assumptions about it), my answer has not brought misery at all. If a man does something that realistically may have a negative ripple effect in your relationship, then do not waste your time patiently understanding his emotionally idiotic mistakes and patiently giving him the opportunity to puncture your self-esteem with his inconsideration. You have a duty to yourself to upkeep your own solid sense of serenity and joy. I believe giving time and energy to inconsiderate, insensitive, tactless guys who make comments like that impedes that duty. Realistically, this probably isn't the first or last time he has been so insensitive and tacky.

[Esplorare]

@Asker The choice is yours : ) Whatever you feel most comfortable with and keep in mind that these are all OPINIONS. We are all unique individuals who handle things differently. It's not a matter of right or wrong: just different. Some people can't handle that and feel the need to blabber excessively on your post when you don't agree with them. Yet at the end of the day, you need to find a choice that you will be happy with and thank yourself for in the future. Best of luck!

[Hidden_P]

I think he was just trying to be honest. I think it was one of those moments he opened his mouth before he thought.

So what if she was? He could have dated Beyoncé but if they had nothing in common they wouldn't have worked. There are plenty of people who aren't the best in relationships. Most people try to date people on their level or slightly above (attractiveness wise). If one person dates too high a mix of things can happen: insecurity, self defence, lack of trust and with some people, abuse. Now it's not a given, but, by dating within your attractive boundaries you generally feel more confident with that person and others.

So what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up. They didn't work out, and I'm willing to bet your boyfriend isn't next top model material himself.

Good luck

[MrAtticusLebowski]

I think you both have some issues to address. When you ask you're SO to rate your appearance you're either asking him to lie to you are you're REALLY confident and don't really need his validation.

He was probably being too honest/blunt with you. Look, you know you're insecure yet you put him in a situation where the best thing he could do was to lie to you. Is that really better?

What i read was... your worth to him isn't entirely based your looks. I mean this other girl was supposedly prettier than you but she wasn't "good enough" to continue to date her. He's with you now, not her and it was his choice.

[SomeoneImportant]

This is a case of girls wanting honesty, but not being able to handle it. Also, the fat that girls simply can't be happy.

He said you're one of the prettiest girls he ever dated. Why dig deeper? If a girl said that to me, I'd be flattered. Now I might ask what you did out of general curiosity, but I'd still be happy with it.

You managed to turn a compliment into an insult. Also, don't worry about the whole rating thing and the height comment, he was joking. Like he was honest and meant it, but overall he doesn't give a fuck so he just threw it out there,

[Brontosaurus]

This... this is what I think of when I start thinking I might want to date again.

GIRLFRIEND: Do you think I'm pretty?
ME: Of course. You're the most beautiful woman in the world.
GIRLFRIEND: Rate me.
ME: (Ugh) The most beautiful woman in the world is obviously a 10.
GIRLFRIEND: You're lying. You don't really think I'm pretty. I think

[Brontosaurus]

Message got cut off...

GIRLFRIEND: You're lying. You don't really think I'm pretty. I think (Lists 50 celebrities and 10 mutual friends who are better looking than her. Another 100 who aren't) are all prettier than me.
ME: Well, I don't.
GIRLFRIEND: You're just saying that because I'm your girlfriend. You don't really think that. Just... just leave me alone.

ANY answer a guy gives is wrong because the entire purpose of the exercise is to manufacture drama.

[spaceshuttle]

I have been in that situation. I understand the pain. xD

[Miphee]

Couldn't have described the situation better.
"You are pretty = You are a liar"
"You are 8/10 = You are an asshole"

[Snorkasaurus]

Would you rather he lied?

Don't be insecure. He told you you're an 8. He doesn't find you unattractive. There will always be someone prettier than you but that doesn't mean he's going to run off to them as soon as he gets the chance. He told you his deal: he likes pretty girls but if he doesn't click with them he'll end things. Is he ending things with you?

[WCKilldz]

He could have 1) been completely honest which hurts but honesty is good or 2) lied about it to create insecurity in order to create in inferiority complex. Either way you shouldn't take it as bad and self loath because I have said that to an ex before and didn't mean anything negative about it.

[TJM27]

I don't understand why he'd say that. I always try to build up my gf's self esteem not bring it down and hurt her feelings. Girls never want to be compared to your ex unless you say how much better she is than your ex

[Mesonfielde]

He probably didn't think much of it, considering physical appearance isn't one's primary value that defines them, and also if she was prettier then she was prettier, he is still dating you so whatev'

[astatine]

maybe he did not realise that he has hurt you. but it is best that you make it abundantly clear that it has, and make sure he doesn't do it again
but i believe it was unintentional

[tayoker]

He's honest, and in love it shouldn't have to be you the most beautiful person in the world... it's not about face, it is about feelings, maybe you're that kind of girls wants to get complements all the time

[Sexualchrist]

Men don't take little comments to heart as much as women do. He's just inexperienced and has a lot to learn about the mental fragility of some women.

[thed00d]

Hard to say without knowing him, but guys play games just like girls. He may want you to feel insecure, thus trying harder to impress him, giving you the illusion that he is the ultimate prize.

[Commonking1]

He shouldn't, if he cared that much about you he would see you as the most beautiful person. I tell my girlfriend that she is too me (People have try to knock her on her looks).

[Anonymous]

So women can say that their ex was more attractive but not guys okay fuck logic I guess

[Anonymous]

Women need honesty they just can't handle it.

[Esplorare]

You don't know all women and what we all need.

[Anonymous]

what a fuking asshole

[Opinion Owner]

you should've said now lets rate your cock!! i'll give you a 7 because my ex was a 9 he was way bigger and lasted longer

[zorro8888]

Are we just ignoring the entire fact that she's insecure and kept pushing him for more even after he said that she was the prettiest girl he's dated? Who makes their boyfriend rank them?

[Esplorare]

LMAO! Agreed. "But she would have just been being honest. If he didn't want the truth, then he shouldn't have asked for it" -_-

[Esplorare]

Tactlessness is tactlessness. Point blank period.

[SomeOtherGuy]

@zorro8888 Dude, no point in forcing blame on anyone.
People are allowed to make mistakes. Especially if they're new to long-term relationships.

As for the opinion owner, holy shit that's immature. Grow up. That right there would lose you a guy who probably meant nothing mean by what he said.

Tactless is tactless.

[zorro8888]

@SomeOtherGuy

I'm not agreeing with what her boyfriend did by the way. But to say that both parties aren't a bit at fault would be wrong. My comment was mainly for the opinion owner as it was extremely immature. Especially for someone in her age range.

[Youssefalez]

and she dumped him then she is smarter too :)

[SatanClaus]

Is he still your bf?