Should I give him an ultimatum?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating this guy for three months now and I know for sure that he is seeing/having sex with other people. I'm not cool with this behavior, so do I give him an ultimatum or walk away? In the past I would have walked as soon as I found out that he was having sex with other people but I really like this guy so I'm having a difficult time deciding what to do. I don't want to get my heart broken but I also don't want to waste my time if we aren't going anywhere. I know he cares about me but is that enough? So folks, should I give this man an ultimatum and tell him that if he doesn't choose to be monogamous he'll loose me, or do I wait it out and see how things play out in the next few weeks?

[pinkhorse]

ultimatums are not cool. as a female player, I'm going to be honest with you - ultimatums don't work. they don't. I'll decide when I'm ready to settle down, not the other way around. if you give him an ultimatum, he'll feel pressured and that will end in resentment. no man wants to feel pressured. if you play it out, on the other hand, he might decide to settle down with another girl that he's been seeing. either way, you don't get what you want. so mysuggestion is for YOU to decide, not for him to decide what to do next. what I mean is YOU are the one in control, YOU should be the one feeling empowered. you tell him it's over and tell him that your reason is that you felt that by this stage, he would have decided that he wants to be exclusive with you and you guess as he doesn't then it's time to move on. make the decision but turn it around on him. you get my drift?

[Asker]

Yes, this makes sense. Not sure if I'm ready to walk away but I also don't enjoy feeling as though I'm being used.

[BellaBecca]

While I am not a female player, I agree. If you are not happy with it, then leave him now. When he asks why you're no longer around, nonchalantly mention that he was seeing other people so you didn't think it was necessary for you to see him. I think that if you are not happy with it, yet still allow it to continue, he will sense it and think you probably aren't worth anymore than that because you're cool with it.

Ultimatums do not work.

[pinkhorse]

Bellabecca gets it. the problem here is the guy knows that you aren't seeing any other guy so he immediately thinks that you've no other options except him and that you'll always be available when he needs you.

bellabecca is right. you've got to be non-committal to plans, cancel plans last minute, be vague about your whereabouts, don't pick up his calls sometimes, be the first off the phone, ignore his texts, take calls in another room when he's around - make him fight for your attention

[greeneyedgal]

Well, what I am wondering if you both had the discussion about being an exclusive couple yet? Or, are you "assuming" that since you've been dating for 3 months that it is "understood" that the relationship is exclusive? I ask this because obviously it is not exclusive in his mind thus he is seeing other girls. I understand your stance and I certainly think that by dating at 3 months, a couple should know what direction things are going in. I would NOT give him an ultimatum about the monogamy factor. I would approach it as changing the dynamic of the relationship into an exclusive one. I think if he is given an ultimatum, he will be turned off and might walk away. I think you can calmly discuss it like adults and make a determination from there. You are entitled to have your needs met and be happy like him.

Best of luck in your choice.

[Asker]

Yes, we've talked about it and he gave me the impression that he's not ready to be in a committed relationship, which is a bit surprising given the fact that he is eight years my elder. I will not give him an ultimatum and do plan on having another talk with him this weekend, specifically about monogamy. Bottomline, I will not stand by while he sleeps with other women, and for now, I've taken sex out of the equation.

[mikess314]

I'm guessing you two have made no explicit decree of monogamy. You ladies have to be careful with that. If he's not declared his intent to be with you and you only, then it's fair game. He probably assumes you're out there too with a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy in place.

Tell him you are beginning to fall for him and you want him to stop seeing anyone else if he feels the same way toward you. If he can't give up getting his strange for you then dump him and wait for him to come around.

[Asker]

He knows that I'm not seeing anyone else but that doesn't change the fact that he is. I don't know if I'd describe it as falling for him but I do like him and would like to take things with him to a deeper level.

[Crazycanuck]

If he doesn't wanna be monogamous you have to decide on if his worth it...If not then cut him loose...But its your choice do you want a boyfriend that cheats all the time or do you want someone to be faithful to you...Its not that hard of a choice is it...

[denver2]

Ask him how he feels or cares about you.

Ask him why he has sex with other girls.

Ask him to stop having sex with other girls.

Ultimatums do not work.

He will do whatever he wants.

I'd say yiou have a problem if this guy thinks this is OK and agrees with you about how he feels about the two you.

Never thresten, though.

You should know this at your age.

You are letting him use you, baby

[1FastFC]

Just leave him ,

Giving him an ultimatum will only make him hide it even more , he won't stop