Boyfriend doesn't care to spend holidays with me, should I be mad?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 9 months (going to be 10 months on thanksgiving) doesn't really care to spend holidays with me. I tell him about it and he just says "I'll see" his family is going out of town on Thanksgiving and he can't go because he has work early and he'll be getting out early yet he says "I'll see" should I be mad? Or is it too early to care about spending holidays together?

Updates

+1 y

I've already met his family and he has met mine by the way.

[Venusss]

I see you're a great girlfriend who's trying to make plans work and I'm really glad you show your commitment in a relationship.

I think you can consider that he is busy and you can put of the holiday celebrations for another time, be that kind and forgiving girlfriend who always compromises for her boyfriend, it is extremely thoughtful of you. But let me warn you, once is fine, twice, why not. But if this occurs often, then read on.

You might want to take a step back and realize you are in the position to be mad because he is trivializing your effort to make plans for the both of you. I think in a relationship, the most common excuse is, "I don't have enough time for this" then why be in a relationship in the first place? Because girl, you should be his priority. This is what it means to be committed.

I don't mean a fancy Thanksgiving with lots of organizing and whatever, but he did not bother to discuss plans which both of you can agree on based on your schedules.

Yes he has a hectic schedule, has to wake up early blah, blah, blah. Did he tell you that? Did he make the effort to tell you that " Babe, I'm sorry we can't be together for the holidays because I'm very tied up at work right now, I hope you can understand." Or are you assuming that he is busy. But I have seen couples make an effort to be together no matter how busy they are and its the actions that count. Did he bother to openly communicate with you? I didn't think so.

All the little things that add up proves whether he is ready for a serious relationship, how long you've been attached together can only prove so little.

Try to communicate rationally and persuasively, you have the right to be unhappy, but we want to consider both partner's schedules objectively to make practical plans.

Do take my advice with a pinch of salt.

It takes 2 hands to clap. Is he making an effort for you?
No excuses, it is a choice.
Think about it.

[bbch25]

Best answer I've read, really looks at how both sides are acting too.
Very logical and thought out.
MHG.

[Venusss]

@bbch25 I'm flattered <3 I guess this is what I call girl power haha!

[bbch25]

Aha yes.

Well I liked that you just saw both sides.
When I rant to my best friend about my boyfriends ex girlfriend, how it makes me feel this or that, how he's acted etc. She never just takes my side, she speaks logically, shows both sides, just opens my eyes.

You mentioned "if he's said this" "if he's tried this"... etc. I think that's a good quality and you must be a good partner! Or will be.

[Anonymous]

I think you have a right to be a bit hurt. If I had a boyfriend, I would want to spend time with him and his family during the holidays.

I've been in this situation several times. Usually if your partner isn't trying to include you, there are many reasons but to me it just points to lack of interest. If he truly wanted you there, he would have made the effort. He might make an excuse, that he's busy.

If he has to work, that's understandable. But like other's have said, he isn't working 24/7. There's got to be some time in there for you. And if there isn't then I guess you aren't much of a priority.

I think if this is important to you, then you have every right to be upset.

To be honest, think of it this way. You invited him. By the sounds of it, you are inviting him to your Thanksgiving. And all his response is "I'll see". That to me is not very convincing. Does he have other plans? Sounds to me like he's treating your Thanksgiving with your family as an option. If he's got other plans, ie. spending his time with friends or at a party. Then I would dump him.

A guy who truly loves you is going to make you his priority. Sorry but it's true! I'm not saying he can't have other plans too. But from what I have seen, guys who love you will make sure they are with you during the holidays.

[little_bird1]

I was dating the same type of guy for 4 years. I still ask myself wtf was I thinking? You shouldn't be mad. You should be disappointed and dump him. It's obvious that the two of you want different things and therefore this relationship will lead to failure sooner or later. And trust me, the sooner the better. When it came my ex I was always finding excuses for him, making myself believe that it's all in my head. Hell no! What's the point of a relationship where we're not on the same page? I'm only sad that it took me 4 freaking years to realize that, even though the flags were waving from the early on. Now's your chance to bail. Because even if you tell him you're mad, he might agree on spending holidays together just so he pleases you, but in reality you would know he doesn't want to be there. Find a guy who's answer will be "of course we're spending it together!" and not this asshole.

[Darlynne]

Maybe he doesn't celebrate some holidays as much as others?
I know a lot of people have mixed opinions on Thanksgiving, some don't see it as a big deal while others prepare for it in a month's preparation by just checking up on schedules of relatives and deciding what the course of the meal will look like.

Honestly, it's always nice to spend the holidays with your SO, but maybe he's just working hard or isn't super interested in the holiday itself. It doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't interested in spending the holiday with YOU. However, 9-10 months worth of dating can warrant a holiday visit.

[Asker]

Yeah he told me before that he usually works on holidays and his parents don't really wait for him so they eat and celebrate without him and after work he just eats the left overs they leave him. I don't know if holidays are that important to him? So I don't know how to feel about this.

[Darlynne]

It doesn't seem like holidays are that important to him if he prefers work over vacation time, because I know that most jobs will give Thanksgiving days off. If you are really into holidays, then just let him know that they're important to you and that it would really make you happy if he at least tried to attend your family Thanksgiving.

It's also a possibility that his family never really "invited" him to their holiday banquets and he never really felt the holiday spirit because he never felt like he was a part of it all. Maybe he's just had bad holiday experiences so he thinks that all holidays are like this?

[Asker]

He keeps saying he'll see. Cause he doesn't know what his family is going to do. His mom mentioned to me that she and her husband MIGHT go visit their other son in another state, and my boyfriend can't go since he has work early. So I don't know. If the parents don't go to visit their other son, they're gonna celebrate at home with my boyfriend. And my boyfriend won't celebrate with me so I don't know if I should be upset about that too >.<

[Darlynne]

I think that your boyfriend is just waiting for the say on his own family first. His parents seem undecided on what they're planning, and it looks like he's waiting for them to give him a definite answer before he says anything. It doesn't sound like anything unreasonable.

I don't think that you should be this upset about this. He simply isn't sure of what's in store for the future because his plans revolve on whether or not his family is staying with him. It would be rude on his part, if his family decided to have Thanksgiving with him but he decided to go with someone else's family.

Anyway, I wouldn't think of it as such a big deal. He probably isn't doing it to upset you, he just has to figure things out with his own family first. However, if he's avoiding you on every holiday that you have tried to share with him, then I could see it as an issue.

[Asker]

Thank you. Yeah we talked about it right now. He said he will let me know next week to figure out what his family is going to do. And I told him that it would mean a lot if we celebrated at least one holiday together and he said he promise we will.

[Darlynne]

I'm glad it all worked out for you. :) Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[Asker]

Thank you :) you too. 😊

[BrighteyedAsh]

I don't know... sounds kind of lackluster if you ask me. My boyfriend doesn't even like holidays, and I knew that going in, so I hadn't (and don't expect much when it comes to holidays, and still yet he comes to me and asks and checks in to what we're doing for our holidays. Definitely a contrast to those who liked holidays fine and could barely be bothered to attend. I'm probably not the best person to answer this... because MY read says "Dump his sorry ass.". In my opinion, it is WAYYYYY too early for him to be showing that much disinterest in you.

[Saoirse_Nua]

He sounds like the type that just wants to wait and see - He might be tired after an early start and just want his bed - He won't knows how he feels till the day, nothing worse than going somewhere when you feel wrecked.

[slatyb]

This doesn't sound very friendly to me. It sounds like you are an option if there's nothing more interesting. I think you are much more invested in this relationship than he is. Consider dating other people.

[jmr77]

Ummmm... Maybe the pressure of the Holidays is a lot for him. Perhaps his family is very controlling or demanding. However, it seems like a mixed signal and I would wait and see what he comes up with. Express it would mean a lot if you did (blank) and make our voice heard. You then just leave the ball in his court. The pressure might be on him, in lots of ways. In my opinion 9mon is plenty of time and you are right to have a little concern. Just don't jump to a conclusion, and see if he makes the effort.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he isn't much of a holiday person? Or maybe he just doesn't feel like it and wants to be by himself. Ask him :). I don't like the holidays and my boyfriend is crazy in love with Thanksgiving n Christmas. I tell him the same thing because he knows I don't like to be around folks I just prefer to be by myself

[Kylah8913]

I honestly think it is early and you should give him some time.

If it really bugs you. Be mature and have a talk with him.

[Anonymous]

What kind of relationship is that if you dont fit in his/her schedule that much and especially on holidays. Does he work 24/7 i dont think so. If he cared he'd make time

[RandomReindeer]

This.

[Anonymous]

First impression is that some other gal has proposed some what-ifs things to do upon hearing he was free for holidays.

Work may not allow him the freedom to party as much as you assume.

Guys that are in a most lustful than loving relationship (at least in their mind) don't want to include family quite yet. If true of him, then he would accept a more private holiday just with you... and around his work obligations. This is my best guess.

[tightpusy451]

Girls are such weird human beings :)))
why do girls so much care about things like that: why he is not messaging me? its been like 2 hours we haven't spoken... and such.
it's halirious.
Girls, guys have their personal life , girls are like 1/6 of guys' life, so deal with it or live alone.

[Anna96]

Because it makes us insecure. Guys would probably be that way too if girls behaved like that but we don't because we know how insecure it makes us.

[tightpusy451]

@Anna96 makes insecure about what? like you dont know what your man does and he could cheat on you so you have to contact to him all the time? I jsut want to figure out what you mean.

[Anna96]

No, don't get me wrong. I am absolutely against controlling people. What I mean is, I have a huge crush atm myself. Whenever we meet in rl (4-5 times a week) we talk, tease and laugh a lot. Then he doesn't really answer on social media and it makes me doubt he actually likes me. Then again when I meet him everythibg is as usual so I'm insecure about our kind of relationship.

[tightpusy451]

@Anna96 thats how most guys act.
We need to have rest from you girls. So not being active/not replying online makes us have rest from you , girls.

[Anna96]

Are we that horrible? 😂

[tightpusy451]

@Anna96 exactly. We feel like we are on chains and we can't have enough freedom. This is ther reason why some guys break up with girls

[Darkfairie17]

Would you not feel bad if someone you cared deeply about was not including you in their family holiday celebrations? Maybe for some people it's not a big deal. But if a person is truly in love with their SO, it can be a big deal. I've been in this situation many times and have been both excluded and included. I can say that it makes me feel loved when a guy chooses to include me in his family's celebrations. Especially if we are dating for long-term.

[Anna96]

Now look, I don't expect him to chat with me 24/7 but holfing a conversation for only few minutes can't be that hard.

[pbandjelly]

my boyfriend got mad at me because im spending holidays with MY family and not his. Holidays are about family and if your boyfriend isn't seeing his own family for Thanksgiving that is weird.

[ProbablyTooMature]

I would personally be mad after the fact. Getting mad now is pointless, but if he doesn't... then I would be offended. Yup.

[Chloe-Brownie13]

I think I would be a little mad, especially because I love the holidays and making plans in advance, but I wouldn't be too mad until afterwards, and he didn't come. This is just my opinion, everybody feels different about the holidays.

[HitGirl_4680]

It prob doesn't feel nice but it's not your birthday. And he's not saying no. Give him a chance instead of assuming the worst.

[laurapalmer]

I think it'd be weird if he doesn't spend Thanksgiving with you

[Asker]

I don't know what to do. He's not really close with his family. Like he usually works holidays and he told me that his family just leaves left overs so after work he just eats and doesn't really celebrate. So I don't know if holidays are just not a big deal to him?

[laurapalmer]

If you let him know that holidays are a big deal to you he should make an effort to be there. If he doesn't you should have a conversation with him about why he won't try and about whether or not you guys should still be together.

[Asker]

Okay thank you 👍🏽

[laurapalmer]

I hope it all works out!

[Asker]

So right now he said "I'll see" and I said "what does it depend on" and he said "I don't know yet" how should I respond? Should I get mad?

[laurapalmer]

Tell him that it's important to you that he comes

[Puppylove94]

Maybe he doesn't care about Holidays much... might be a serious conversation you should have with him.

[Matchalatte]

Just tell him how you feel... I wouldn't say you should be mad. That doesn't do you or him any favors

[Ayra_Frey]

I wouldn't be mad. Unless he doesn't let me know if he can or can't in time

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't be mad as you still have your family. And he's probably just upset as he's not with his

[zombiebabe]

he doesn't sound interested

[Anonymous]

He'll no not too early.

[bcromartie]

Be mad.