My long distance boyfriend wants to hire an escort. Should I even consider it?

[RogueGirl]

My long distance boyfriend asked me the other day if it would be OK if he hired an escort to take care of his physical needs when we can't be together. We live in different states, and only see each other about once a month, for a few days. He even suggested that I find someone local to me to use to meet my physical needs, if I wanted to. He compared it to going to see a masseuse, and said that it would be purely physical, and that it wouldn't be allowed to interfere with our relationship. He offered to let me help pick out the girl, and said he would never tell me anything about it, to minimize jealousy. My initial reaction was a huge "no" and after talking about it, he agreed it wasn't a good idea. My concern is that he's already used such a service, and is trying to cover it up by getting permission after the fact. He showed me profiles of potential escorts during our conversation. I also worry that this is not the end of this story, and that it will be brought up again. The fact that he could bring it up very casually makes me wonder how much he really cares for me, and I fear that he is going to end up cheating on me. I'm just looking for some outside, unbiased opinions.

Updates

+1 y

I should add that I'm not comfortable with him going outside of our relationship for sex, and I certainly have no interest in going outside it. Our sex life is great, and we keep things as hot as we can when we're not together, sexting and sending pics. Sometimes I think the constant sexual tension drives us both crazy. I haven't asked him if he's used the service, but I will be asking him soon. And yes, we hope to live closer someday.

Updates

+1 y

I want to thank everyone for their input. We've talked, and there will be no escort. He says that it was just a fantasy, and he would never go through with it, that it's just too risky. So hopefully this was just a minor bump in the road that we can put behind us.

[Levin]

Yeah, tbh, I'd be disgusted. Even contemplating hiring an escort is grubby as fuck, and saying 'a man has needs' sort of reduces us to some kind of wretched animal. Not saying I don't crave the fuck out of sex at times, but I'd still never reach those depths.

Yeah, the fact that he's had profiles on the ready shows in the least that he's mentally done it, but of course, one can't know whether he has gone through with it. Also, he probably has in the past, but that's speculative, too.

Honestly, to not beat around the bush, what is the point in this relationship? The intimacy can't be that great if he can't last some time without putting his willy into another woman and ejaculating in her. You don't appear to trust him, which indicates the intimacy isn't great on your end either. If you you aren't extremely intimate, communicative and trusting, then what is the point of a *long term* relationship, which are extremely difficult to begin with? Honestly, maybe I'm just putting my warped views on things, but I wouldn't be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

But yeah, if you want to make it work, then you need to tell him even suggesting something like that to you is making you have trust issues. Also, I doubt he thinks it's a bad idea. He just brushed it by you, and then when he found out it was a no-go and was likely to be shamed, he pulled it back.

[Levin]

long distance*

[RogueGirl]

He and I were friends before we were lovers, and we are basically best friends. We've always told each other everything, our deepest darkest secrets, that we've never revealed to anyone else. When we are together, it's wonderful. We have fun, laugh, talk and are completely comfortable. We have a lot of intimacy both in and outside of the bedroom. We have similar views on a lot of things, and have talked in the past about me moving to be closer to him. But this has caused me a great deal of alarm. I don't understand how someone who is so close to me can casually ask to have sex with a stranger. Part of me thinks that he just doesn't think before he speaks, and doesn't realize the impact his words can have. But maybe I'm trying to rationalize things.

[Levin]

Yeah, maybe it can be a guy thing too, where sex is more easily disconnected from emotions and the other aspects of the person. Which honestly, shouldn't be. He sounds like a good bloke though, and that you have a good connection, so just try and talk to him openly about your concerns. His response will give you something to go off. Just try and be honest, without being judgmental.

[dogbert444]

If he goes for that, it's the beginning of the end. He's either our boyfriend, or he's not. There should be no in-betweens.

Same for you. Do not entertain the idea of going elsewhere while you're together.

For both of you, this could cause huge resentment and could come back to haunt you in the future.

[dogbert444]

*Your (in the first line) Typo!

[dogbert444]

About your update, I hope that IS the end of it. I'm pleased it's all behind you!

[DerbyPi]

Personally, I would be worried. It indicates that he’s open to sleeping with someone without any emotional attachment—even when he’s in a relationship. He’s also open to supporting the seedier side of an industry that exploits people in general. If he was missing sex, and he still wanted to be respectful of your relationship and bond, I could see him asking to have more sexual contact with YOU specifically. Unfortunately, that wasn’t what he asked for at all.

I would also point out to him the dangers of it. There’s a possibility that he could get an STD or something. Why would he take the risk of possibly infecting you for a little bit of (in his words) purely physical pleasure? Does he really put that much stock into getting himself off—especially with a virtual stranger? Also, why would he want another man touching you and bringing you pleasure? Polyamorous or open relationships can work, but it doesn’t sound like you want that, so that’s a definite problem.

I would certainly talk to him about it. Make it very clear that you aren’t okay with it. You should also indicate that it’s raised several questions about your relationship with him.

[mmmbdison]

Honestly, if you don't like the idea of it, I don't think it's that great of a suggestion anyway. I mean, there are things a LDR significant other can ask for like more phone calls or sending things to each other in the mail that may require more effort but you're still willing to do and it's something to consider. But honestly, once a month is not THAT bad, at least not where he should want to have to pay a woman a couple hundred just to give it to him once. I dated a guy who was sleeping with different women almost every other week until he settled down with me. When we traveled, we waited for weeks to months and he was fine. It was hard but he didn't think of screwing someone when he was with me though. Honestly, the sex is even better when you wait in between. I'd be concerned, tbh.

[AskAlthea]

I agree that it is not a good idea. It is essentially asking for an open relationship and that can be a difficult lifestyle.

Have you asked him if he's used such services already? If you did, did you trust his answer, if you didn't, would you trust his answer? A relationship can't survive without trust, a long distance one even more so.

As for needing to fulfill his physical needs, if you feel comfortable you could video call each other and mutually masturbate. There are also various teledildonics, sex toys made with long distance couples in mind, perhaps one of those might be interesting. Is there a plan for you two to live closer together in the near future? I hope there is, long distance really should only be a temporary situation in a relationship.

[RogueGirl]

We both feel completely comfortable with video calls and phone calls for mutual masturbation, and our text convos should be published as erotica. We send each other pics all the time, and when we're together, we like to experiment in bed. We've talked about the app-controlled vibrators, but haven't gotten one yet. I feel confident saying that this entire situation stems from the fact that he has a very high sex drive, and not from a lack of satisfaction with our sex life. We have talked about me moving closer to him, but I bought a house just before we got together, and that complicates things. But it is certainly not off the table, we're just taking it slow before making that big of a commitment.

[AskAlthea]

I only ask because it might make it easier knowing you only have x number of months left.
That sounds promising, if he's happy with his sex life it seems unlikely for him to hire an escort. Why are you concerned then? It seems you trust him, and you seem confident that he is happy with his sex life despite his sex drive.

[RogueGirl]

What makes him unhappy is that we aren't close enough to have sex frequently, hence his desire to hire an escort to provide an outlet for the physical need. Logically, I understand where he's coming from. His previous gf's were all live-in. I suspect he brought up the subject with me because I'm very open minded when it comes to sex, especially compared to his previous gf's.

[samhradh_leannan]

That's not something I'd ever be even a tiny bit okay with. If you feel comfortable with it, that's up to you, but personally I'd be very upset at even the suggestion of it. You're the only one who knows what's best for you and for your relationship, but be cautious. Tons of people survive long distance relationships without going outside the relationship for sex. Your boyfriend isn't showing much commitment to you or the relationship if sex is more important to him than remaining faithful.

[samhradh_leannan]

Let me get this straight- you don't even know for sure whether or not he has gone ahead and hired an escort? This is a pretty messed up situation.

[RogueGirl]

He asked me this the other day, we talked about and agreed that it was a bad idea. It wasn't until a few days later that I wondered if he's already been with one. I'm seeing him in person this week, so I'm saving the questions for then, so there is no misunderstanding or misinterpretation.

[samhradh_leannan]

That seems like a good idea.

[luvstoned4him]

If he has to think about his needs being met by another , no he doesn't love you.

I personally want my boyfriend long distance or not... All for myself.

He can have sex with you... once a month
And even when you don't see each other, there is masturbation, sexting, Skype and any other media. no matter how much he wants it , a person who loves you will think about you and wouldn't want to hurt you. He is just being a selfish there

[Rich0608]

If you had said yes to this then I want to meet you!
Nice try on his part - like his style :-)
I have a feeling like you that he's already stepped out on you, maybe trying to sooth his guilt. Long distance relationships are tough. The old saying that distance makes the heart grow fonder is not true. Distance can break relationships, people drift. Hope it all works out for you.

[madhatters4]

yea i'd be worried about that too. but if you have no reason not to trust him aside from him bringing it up i guess you should give him the benefit of a doubt

but it is definitely concerning that he would suggest getting prostitutes because he goes 3 weeks without sex sometimes.

[GirthIsBetter]

Personally it sounds as though you two are being torn apart by physical needs which is a natural reaction. If he didn't do this and still got your approval I guarantee you that every time you fucked him from there on out you'd wonder what woman he slayed.

I think you need to be honest about the distance and see if you can make it work or not.

[Zinkr7]

I think he trusts the relationship is stable enough to ask such a question. He clearly wanted to talk with you about it, obviously with LDRs things can be tough, especially with sexual drive where he's locked down to you but has needs he wants relieved.
Now you don't have to consider the idea if you don't like it, but I think you're fine regarding such as whether he used it already or not, he wouldn't have asked you if he didn't want to be with you, he'd just have straight up cheated on you.

[Anonymous]

I think the fact that he even asked you is a good thing and shows he cares. Regardless of how stupid the idea sounds. But I feel if he wasn't into you and cared about you he would never even asked you about it and would have just done it without you knowing.

[America1st]

I only read your question. I would never do that to my lady and I would never expect her to be okay with it. If you are in a committed relationship, he's just wrong. You shouldn't accept it and i also would not trust him not to do it secretly.

[Nonemorewhite]

Maybe you should put your foot down about this sort of thing. You said you're not comfortable with sex outside the relationship; make sure he understands that. If he has urges tell him to use his hand. If he really cares about you, that should hold him over until you two move closer together.

[ANITKUMARVERMA]

í didn't read the whole post. sorry.
just the 4 lines.

he is directly saying he need sex more love...
your choice...

[ANITKUMARVERMA]

need sex more than love...
physical need can never more important than emotional and feeling.

í will leave a person like that.
totally your choice

[0112358]

Yeah, i'd be worried.

It's not what i'd want. If I was long distance I might want daily Skype sex and flashed nudes during the day, but not seeing other people.

[reptocarl]

Not only no but fuck no. If he loved you, which he doesn't, he would've never even thought that

[rocketbebe]

If my boyfriend long distant or not ask me if he can hire an escort, he will be escorting his way out my life

[Christinerose]

No way i would dump him soon as he mentioned an escort ewww

[ProjectBaby1K]

If I was in a "long distance" I would have done that 😂

[chrisbigman]

No. Inviting an escort into the equation is asking for trouble.

[Jan1ssary_]

Lol idiot guy, he suggested his girl friend to find another man to bang her? No comment.

[WriterAndPainter]

Tell him to use husband hand

[luvstoned4him]

Exactly

[WriterAndPainter]

@luvstoned4him I want to throat punch him lol

[luvstoned4him]

Ikr... smh

[LastNightmare]

why not, you're not satisfying him

[BeautifulPromisesx]

Dump him.

[legalboxers]

NO! NO! NO!

[Anonymous]

noo don't let him