Boyfriend's clingy mom! Help?

[Anonymous]

Hello awesome peeps!

I just wanted to get some advice on something that has been bothering me. My boyfriend's mom is a widow and he is the closest (and only immediate) family member she has. So it would makes sense that she is very clingy when it comes to him. I just feel that it is a bit extreme. For example she gives him curfues but he is 22. And he always has to ask for her permission to do literally ANYTHING.

The problem is that it bothers me a little. Ok it bothers me a lot. It is bearable at the moment but when I eventually want to move in alone with him I cannot imagine how much more clingy she will become. I am scared that the stress of moving in together on top of a clingy mom would put too much strain on our relationship that I cannot handle it anymore and lose him.

Firstly, i want to ask whether those signs i mentioned at the end of the first paragraph of her being clingy are by chance normal?

Secondly, what would you guys do if you were going to move out. How would you make sure that she copes, lessens her grip on her son and as a result save the relationship?

Thank you so much!

[freedomshooter9]

Well its good that u understand why she clings so much, she may just want the best for her son and is noticing him wanting to leave and is getting lonely/nervous. Just tell the son to talk to her about the issue, maybe you could even to too reach out to her, let her know your there for her if she needs someone to talk too. Because as much as it can be... troubling... the family is an extension of your boyfriend. Their a package deal. So better get on good terms now while you can.

And yes this behavior is normal. You gotta realize, this is a mothers little boy your talking about. No matter how old he is or who he's dating, that man is the person this women changed, fed and clothed. So its natural for moms to baby/smother them. Especially in her case where he is all she has. And with a new woman in the equation, thats naturally a little irking. Not to say she hates you, its like when your best friend makes a new friend, you kinda get that jealous threatened feeling. You still can like them yourself, but the change is hard to cope with at first. its like someone is challenging you position with said person. So just try to sympathize and relate.

And to answer your second question, the best thing is to just talk with her, let her know how you guys are feeling. And about the lessening grip you want, thats something that will be hard to do. A mother always wants to be a part of the sons life so you can't expect her to just stop cold turkey just because you don't like it. So again, just talk with her and set some ground rules so your side are said and everyone can get what they want said. Your feelings as well as everyone else's are important so communication is key.

[Asker]

I have that exact motto. I love talking to people about things that bother me and usually am able to resolve situations easily. But my boyfriend feels that talking to her directly would upset her and he doesn't want to fight with her. So in their family they don't really communicate what they truly feel. Which also bothers me because i want to be able to dmc with her like i do with my mom. He is never able to tell her when something bothers him and why.

I also just want to make clear that his mom really likes me, i was there for here when her husband passed away, always bend over backwards for her making sure she ok.

[freedomshooter9]

well your boyfriend needs to realize that talking it out is the only way to deal with the problem. Even if its not what they usually do it still needs to be done. And who cares if she gets upset talking about it, thats the whole point in doing it lol! To let out the frustration and be open with each other.

[Asker]

Haha i know right :P i also wanted to know if i should get offended with this one thing that happened.
I am busy doing my honours and i spend a lot of time studying so when i see my boyfriend it is not that often. I miss him. I told his mom about this when we were washing dishes together but she didn't seem like she cared that much. Later that night my boyfriend said he wants to leave early with me to university so we can spend time together even though he would have to be alone at the university for a couple of hours until his classes start while i have my classes. He went to go ask his mom if it is ok. According to him his mom said, "No, that's bullshit." When i asked him after to please talk to her and find out what she meant with that (which took a lot of convincing) she said that she is scared that we are spending too much time together and that it will ruin our relationship.
What should i think about that?

[chuy10]

it would be up to him what he wants to do I would tell you but don't want to offend you warning you its a little dirty

[Asker]

What do you mean?

[Nephilim000]

It's up to him to put his foot down and put you first. you deserve nothing less

[Asker]

Thank you :)