I am a 32 year old NON-RELIGIOUS black man man who is single, and who has been ignored like I don't even exist for most of my life. As a child, I was badly abused by my mother and her boyfriends (Physical, mental, and emotional), and bullied by my peers (then go home to the same thing, just 300x worse) and as a result, my self esteem is shot, never to be repaired.
Recently, not even a day ago, I came to the conclusion that my older brother has been making disparaging remarks about me, and as a result, his kids are calling me "homeless", "Stupid", and just outright disrespecting me. My co-workers recently found out I've never had a sexual relationship, by accident, and now all they do is laugh, point, and back away as if i'm some kind of leper. Or call me a loser.
I feel as if my entire family is just tolerating me until i go away, and they can get back to their lives. This is really painful, and hard to talk about.
I have desperately tried dating, but it is of no use, as I've been told that I look "pedophile creepy", or accused of stalking. The crushes i have had were always one sided, and i know of no one who felt the same about me. I have no experience with relationships or women, and at this point, I've become a hermit and have stopped trying at all.
All i do is go to work, and come home to loneliness. Waking up reminds me of the fact that everyone I know has a family or a significant other, and that i'm like a third wheel, stuck on the outside looking in.
For the past two weeks, I have been ruminating whether to commit suicide, as I constantly feel that i am not wanted here, that I have no purpose in this world. (I don't, I was just an accident). I am undergoing therapy, but i feel this isn't solving anything. It changes nothing. So In closing, I will say that I have never experienced love. My hopes and dreams are shattered, I feel out of place, and the only way is to end this suffering. All I understand, is that i'm not wanted in this world.
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