What shoud I do when my 3 year long distance boyfriend starts taking me for granted and stops putting in effort?

[Anonymous]

We are both 22 and have been long distance for 3 years and for the first 2 and a half years, we handled the distance well. We both put in equal effort to visit on weekends, Skype every night, and call throughout the day to keep each other updated or just to say hi. My boyfriend made an effort to do these things willingly and happily. It started getting bad the past few months. He became really addicted to gaming. He always played games but he still used to make an effort to call me. Recently he became so addicted to gaming he will play 5-10 hours of games a day with no breaks. I never hear from him anymore. Sometimes he would even be reluctant for me to visit him because he would rather spend his time playing games than with me. When I do visit, he games every moment he gets even when I'm there. He used to respond to my texts within minutes. Now I rarely get texts from him and when we talk on the phone, I usually call him first and he is usually not paying attention. Today I called him at 8pm because I wanted to talk but he was in the middle of a game so he told me he would call me later. It's 1am now and he still has not called but my friend says he is still online gaming right now. I used to be his priority and now he can't even remember to call me. Has he lost interest in me and doesn't love me anymore? We have broken up a couple times over this and he would beg for me to stay with him every time and tells me he wants to be with me. Then why is he acting like he doesn't care about me nowadays? Is it the gaming addiction making him act this way and has nothing to do with his feelings for me? l'm always waiting for his call and always pick up. Now he takes me for granted because he knows I wait for his calls and he can put less effort. I don't want to breakup because I want to see if there's something I can do to snap him out of it. Should I stop calling him and put less effort too? Maybe if I disappear, he'll finally realize he might lose me if he continues this.

[thedancingcookie20]

Girl, been there done that. My long term boyfriend and I have the same stupid gaming/no communication issue. It used to bug me so much and cause us trouble. It's not that he doesn't love you anymore, he's just so distracted by the game. It's not personal. What did I do to cope? I bitched for a bit and then left him alone, gave him space. I did my own thing more and he started paying attention to me again. The less I tried to interact with him, the more he noticed and missed me, the more he out in effort. Now I'm not saying it's the best idea and that it'll work for sure but it worked for me. Guys can be stubborn and sometimes they take their women for granted if were available

[Asker]

I'd like to hear more opinions from people but your answer was very reassuring to me.. so thank you. It's just that I don't know how to tell if it's him losing interest in me/falling out of love or if it's just the game and I shouldn't take it personally. The thing is, he chooses to play it even when I visit him nowadays. Whenever we have a little bit of free time, he starts gaming rather than focusing on me. So you think I should start answering my phone less? I have heard that before too, that guys will notice when the girl starts drifting and they will put more effort and that we have to give them a "chance to miss us"

[Asker]

Also, are you and your boyfriend still together now? Was his gaming addiction as bad as my boyfriend's (5-10 hours a day)? How does he treat you now?

[thedancingcookie20]

I don't think you should take it personally. Some guys just REALLY get into gaming. My bf's gaming addiction is worse lol my boyfriend works all day then plays 5-8hours/day from M-F and then plays gaming tournaments on Saturdays. So he literally only leaves me with Sundays to talk or see him, if he doesn't play Sundays too. He's picked gaming over talking to me countless times and he's yelled at me to stop interrupting his games. I bluntly told him how I felt. At first he was annoyed that I let it bother me esp bc it wasn't personal. But when I stopped giving him attention, he started coming back. He noticed and brought it up how distant I was. I told him how his gaming bothered me and he told me he understood how I felt and that he'd do what he can to spend time with me too. I think what made it easier was that I told that I understand it's his hobby, that way he doesn't think I'm just hating on something "stupid". Sometimes guys take us for granted but they just need a wake up call.

[thedancingcookie20]

Yes, we're still together now. He treats me a lot better now that we've gone through the fights over it and he hated my distance from him. He still plays a lot, but I also met him half way by being understanding that it's his hobby. But he calls me a couple times a day even if it's only for a little. Sometimes he drops by for surprises. And he texts me more often now. It was a long, tough process and I almost gave up, but he pulled through. I think if your boyfriend really appreciates and loves you, he'll do the same. He just needs a push from you.

[Asker]

I just really don't know how to give my boyfriend that wakeup call. I miss how he used to treat me. This just seems so unlike him. He used to call me literally every hour to talk to me. Texted me every chance he got and would be so excited to visit me or when I'd visit him. Now he couldn't care less... it's 2am now and I last called him around 8pm and he said he'd call me later and still no call.

[Asker]

What can I do to push him? The thing is, when I would confront him about how much this bothers me, he'd get pissed right away and would say "I feel like I'm already in a fucking trapped marriage with you where I can't even do what I want to do and have no fucking freedom."

[Asker]

and he has told me that sometimes he games just to avoid interacting with me. he says that i always just try to argue and fight with him so now he's afraid to talk to me because he doesn't want to fight so he plays games to avoid talking to me. but the reason we fight is because of the games!!

[thedancingcookie20]

I think since he's taking time away from you, you should give him even MORE space. Start calling and texting him less. If he won't give you attention, don't give him any. He'll eventually learn that if he doesn't provide you attention, you'll give yours to someone else. That's what I did. My boyfriend and I have been together for years and I missed the same thing too. He used to call and text so often and always be excited. But he got comfortable. Things now aren't even the same but I know it'll never be the exact as it was in the beginning. But he's willing to keep trying and he's working on it. Even if it's slow, it's effort. Hopefully your boyfriend will eventually get the idea too

[Asker]

Should I just not reach out to him at all from now on unless he texts me? And if he calls me, should I only pick up sometimes and purposely not answer some of the other times? I admit I am pretty clingy... so it's hard for me to distance myself. What's the best way of doing it?

[thedancingcookie20]

I feel you girl. We used to get into so many fights just bc of the games. My boyfriend has admitted to avoiding me by playing games too bc he just wants to play and not be nagged. I got fed up with his ass and figured, he wants time without me them I'll give it to him. When he'd text me I wouldn't make it a priority to look. Sometimes I busied myself so I didn't think to reply back for hours. It may seem childish but it wasn't righr to be available to someone who wasn't available to me. And it worked. I stopped calling him, I barely texted him. If he called or texted I wouldn't be too interested, partly bc I was still annoyed with him over all of this. The distance and lack of time spent on him didn't go unnoticed. It made him realize. I'm not saying you should definitely do the same thing as what I did, but I would stop texting and calling him if I were you. The less available you make yourself, the more he'll reach out to you. Give him all the space he wants and more. He'll end up missing you

[Asker]

Thanks girl. Hearing that does give me a lot of hope. I have actually done that once before during a fight. I gave him the no contact after a fight and he came crawling back. This is a bit different than that but I hope it works. How long did it take your boyfriend to "realize and snap out of it"? How many days/weeks did you two go with little to no contact?

[Asker]

I'm also afraid that if he picks up on the fact that I am purposely ignoring him, he'll get mad at me for that. I'm scared he'll be like "Why do you have to complicate things all the time? Why can't you just be happy that I called/texted you?"

[thedancingcookie20]

Haha he noticed after a day and didn't say anything. But by less than a week, he brought it up. After maybe a couple weeks he started crawling back. He snapped out of it when I told him it annoyed me and I cried out of frustration. He realized how upset and distant I was and figured that he'd lose me if he kept this up.

[Asker]

Lol I cried the other night out of frustration and my boyfriend told me "you brought this upon yourself. if you had just left me to do what makes me happy, you wouldn't be finding reasons to be upset."

[thedancingcookie20]

My boyfriend thought I was just busy all the time. Sometimes I was busy but other times I was just too annoyed. He ended up picking up that I intentionally ignored him and brought it up kinda like how you said you think your boyfriend might take it as. I told him how it was and he knew he'd be out a girlfriend if he didn't listen to me. If your boyfriend picks it up, just be honest. Tell him yeah you're doing it cause of how he's being

[thedancingcookie20]

Yeah, my boyfriend has said that about me before too, that I made myself upset all the time and that it wasn't his fault he was "minding his own business playing". It's super frustrating and annoying but if you really like him, you gotta try dealing with his ass first bc he might fix it

[thedancingcookie20]

Usually when he says something that hurtful, I just leave the call. Idc if its rude to hang up without a bye, he was rude by saying crap like that. By the next morning he would act like nothing was wrong and that I was upset over nothing. But when I would ignore him, he got sad and would say sorry

[Asker]

Girrrrl, you are good. You got him all figured out! I'm impressed. Ok well no call from him tonight so when/if he contacts me tomorrow morning with some bullshit excuse, should I act like I didn't care that he didn't contact me as in "That's alright :)" or should I show him I'm annoyed?

[thedancingcookie20]

I feel like if you say "it's alright", he'll think it's okay to keep doing it and you could unintentionally enable behavior you don't like. At the same time, if you come off too annoyed with him, he'll get defensive and you'll have a fight. Based off of what you said, your boyfriend reacts similarly to mine. Here's what I've learned: you have to play it smart. You already know he's probably not going to react well if you come off annoyed. So choose your words wisely. But don't say "its okay" bc it's not okay. You don't want it to seem like behavior you don't like went unnoticed. I get the results I want when I tell him directly how I feel.

[thedancingcookie20]

But here's the thing. If you say the problem is him playing, he'll automatically feel defensive and not want to do anything. If you somehow tell him how you feel, he'll be more receptive. For example, when I would say something like "I can't believe you play so long. You took 6 hours to text me back when you said you'd call in an hour and it's been 7 hours. All you care about is gaming", he would argue and be horrible. But if I said something like "I'm pretty upset that our relationship isn't getting the attention it needs. I just feel unappreciated when I'm ignored", he would see it as something made me feel bad and not me just attacking his hobby

[thedancingcookie20]

I never want to fight but sometimes arguments happen. Try to avoid that and have a real conversation. Focus on how you feel, not on the act itself. And whenever he would complain that I was overreacting, I would put him in his place. For example, if he said he'd call me in an hour and he didn't call me for five hours of bring that shit up and let him know that I expected him to be a man of his word and that he fell short of it. Hearing that, he saw things differently. He saw it not as me hating on gaming but that I hated that he said he would do something and he didn't so I was upset.

[thedancingcookie20]

I think it's just key to choose your words wisely, give him tons of space, and learn when and when not to pick fights. So don't bring up how annoyed you are about the same problem every single time, you'll get nowhere. But that doesn't mean you should never bring it up.

[Asker]

I hear you. I honestly feel like our situations are exactly the same and our boyfriends act pretty much the same as well. I trust your word and judgement on this! I'm gonna try to do what you suggested tomorrow and we'll see how that goes... thank you!!:)

[Asker]

I'm just nervous and paranoid that there's another girl that he's interested in and that's why he has been drifting and caring less

[thedancingcookie20]

No problem! Yeah, our situations are pretty much the same. But men can be so stubborn and oblivious, especially when they get distracted by games. It's annoying and frustrating, believe me when I say I've had days where I'm so done with him and I just wanted to give up on him. But he eventually heard me and he's been treating me a lot better. I hope things work out for you and I hope my advice was helpful. Good luck 😊 and if you ever wanna vent or talk about things like this again, look me up and PM me if you can. Sometimes us girls need to bitch about our men haha

[thedancingcookie20]

If he hasn't shown any signs that he's cheating, it's probably not. I could be wrong but don't jump to conclusion. I remember one of my friends thought this was happening to me bc he was cheating on me. He wasn't and he couldn't have. He was just so into his games lol

[thesmalldog000]

My ex did this. I called him and he told me it lagged his game so he couldn't talk to me. I asked his brother about it and he said if he were in his position he'd shut off the game and hang with me instead. Let him now how you feel instead of leaving him. If he doesn't pay attention or this continues, leave him.

[Asker]

I did let him know how I felt, I told him it upset me and made me feel neglected and he got really pissed at me and said "why can't you just let me do what I want to do and give me some damn freedom? leave me alone, I do this to avoid you too." then he will avoid me the rest of the night and will continue to game more.

[Asker]

but when I do say I'm going to leave him and I breakup with him, he always tries to apologize and tells me he wants to be with me. I don't know what to do or think

[thesmalldog000]

If he directly said he's avoiding you, he's gotta go.

[Asker]

Yes he said that. He said "all you ever try to do is try to pick fights with me so I play games to avoid you because you just want to argue with me" but the only reason I argue with him is over the gaming! if he would stop then I wouldn't pick fights with him!

[Asker]

He also has said "I feel like I'm in a trapped marriage with you already and don't have any fucking freedom to do what I want." Basically what he wants is for me to shut up while he plays games for hours but he still wants to be with me...

[thesmalldog000]

Yeah.. He's gotta go hun. That's just rude. He's gonna say that to you? That's disrespectful.