Boyfriend wants to go to strip club, what do I do?

Question

It is totally not okay in my opinion and I count it as cheating, I'm sure you guys can justify it but I think my opinions are too strong to change (quite modest and old fashioned values). But my boyfriend of 3 years who I thought I'd get married to has told me he wants to go to strip clubs, and I just don't want to be in a relationship with a guy who'd do that. Obviously being in a long term relationship it's just so hard to way up the good and the bad since there's lots of good and we have a strong relationship but we have our problems and disagree on some major things. I know I don't want to break up but I also can't deal with things like this strip club idea, so maybe he's just not right for me, or maybe there's just no guy that fits my standards. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just need other people's opinions right now

Updates

+1 y

Forgot to mention, it's not just looking, he said he'd get a lapdance too
(It's also a waste of money imo)

Updates

+1 y

He's equally stubborn. It's hard cos we normally compromise but this time I don't know if I should give in, make him give in, or just break up

PrettyKitty31 · Accepted Answer

I think you're being a bit over dramatic, that's just my opinion though.
I don't see strip clubs as cheating. I don't see a lot as cheating though. I'm probably more of a guy when it comes to what I consider cheating.
Going to a strip club and getting a lap dance to me isn't really a big deal.
I can see your point of view where it's a waste of money but I highly doubt that's what's bothersome to you, and to me, it sounds like you're just adding that to make it sound like less of a jealousy/cheating issue and more rational and financial, I could be mistaken that was just the way I took it.
Also, isn't going to the theater and buying popcorn and snacks a waste of money? Or going to dinner, I could consider that a waste of money. They're all entertainment and could be considered a waste of money.
You could give him a lap dance, you can watch a movie at home and you can cook. Just saying... all entertainment and all a waste of money.
Anyway.. TO ME, my guy watching women strip doesn't phase me, him getting a lap dance doesn't bother me, him flirting or being flirted with doesn't bother me, him watching porn doesn't bother me. Because when it's all said and done I'm the one he's with. Not the strippers he watched dance, not the woman that was flirting with him or he was flirting with and not the porn star on the screen.
I trust my guy not to do something that would hurt me but as I've said none of these things phase me. Obviously they bother you so you need to talk to him about it. But you can't make demands on him. That's not how a relationship works. He can make his own choices as can you. If you really can't stand the idea of him going to a strip club and he wants to anyway well it's his choice to make and your choice to react to it.
However, I think you're going to be pretty disappointed in the dating pool if you do break up. Finding a guy that agrees watching women dance for money is cheating is somewhat rare. Not impossible but they're not as common as the men that see no issue in it.

Fitness-Fanatic · Accepted Answer

If he'd jeopardise your relationship for the sake of going to a strip club then that's evidence of his priorities and clarifies your position in his life.

Everyone needs to make sacrifices for their partner , or the relationship won't survive. If he knows you are uncomfortable with him going , and he won't make that sacrifice for you , then you have two choices: either accept and respect his decision to go to the strip club, or end the relationship.

If you really don't want to end it , and he won't make that sacrifice , then you'd need to make a compromise by sacrificing your values and boundaries... only you can decide which means more to you

You aren't asking a lot from him. It's not like you are stopping him going out with his friends. You're just not happy about naked girls dancing over him. I can't imagine anyone being comfortable with that. How'd he feel if some sexy hunky naked guy was dancing over you? I'm sure he wouldn't like it

I'd let anyone cross my boundaries , no matter how much I loved someone.

Mynameisanon · Accepted Answer

It’s not okay whatsoever, I don’t care if it’s just looking. 1. It’s disrespectful of woman to go to a strip club. Any man who has an ounce of respect for woman, would not go. 2. It’s disrespectful to your relationship and to you. He should value you more. 3. Strip clubs are for pigs. I've has a couple great boyfriends who disagreed with strip clubs, and those are the keepers. Honestly, it would be a huge red flag if my boyfriend wanted to go to one. Or even if he simply didn’t disagree with the practice of exploiting woman.

MindYourEyes · Accepted Answer

Im with you! I sure as hell would not be cool with my boyfriend doing that. It’s like as if you feel you aren’t good enough for them to look at and desire right? Why the need to go look at others especially at a place like that. Haha I know my boyfriend would flip shit if I went to a male strip club. Ask him how would he feel if the roles were reversed. Bare men, grinding on you giving you those lustful eyes. I’m sure he would say heck no!

CallMeDave · Accepted Answer

I can certainly understand you feeling uncomfortable with that and feeling like it's a form of cheating since lap dances are certainly sexual.

Have you talked with him about why he wants to do that? I think it would be good to understand what he wants to get from the strip club. Then find out if there's something you can do for with him in the bedroom that would satisfy whatever it is he's seeking.

Have you made clear to him how it makes you feel? My opinion is that if this feels like cheating to you (and I can understand why it would), then he should be sensitive to that. Something that feels like cheating to either partner is very damaging to a relationship and it would be wise for the other person (him in this case) to pay attention to that.

Maybe somewhere there's a compromise available that you can both be satisfied with. I think the key thing is to understand what it is he wants so much that he feels a need to put your relationship at risk to get it. Then try to find something you could live with that gets him enough of that to satisfy him. Depending on what he's wanting, maybe watching porn together with him would help if you could live with that.

In the end, if he refuses to compromise, you'll have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you and whether the good parts of the relationship are good enough to offset the bad feeling you're probably going to have whenever he does this - and whether it's going to damage your sexual relationship with him because if it does, then the whole thing will probably just get worse.

That-Guy · Accepted Answer

"It is totally not okay in my opinion and I count it as cheating, "

Something to think about is that everyone's boundaries are different and will differ from case to case. For example, i don't really care if my girl went to a male strip club because i know that it's more silly and i don't feel it would have any negative impact on my relationship However... if she asked a male friend to help her put up a shelf? I might go over there and kill him.
^ this example, you can see that for some guys... they probably wouldn't care however this affects me because i feel it challenges my role in the relationship.

So, if it bothers you... It BOTHERS YOU. It's fine and it's great you acknowledge it and you spoke to him about it. If he says "whatever, deal with it.. "tons of other guys are X Y and Z," it doesn't matter.

If you bury this, this is going to start a trend of you burying emotions are all subjects and lead you to be a spiteful person.

Something bugs you? speak up, he doesn't like it? Oh well. Live in the uncomfortable and tough conversations, it's all going to be worthwhile. IF he fights it.. then hey..

Genbento · Answer

Stripper clubs are gross... in my opinion. X'D I would count it cheating too... I mean, why else go to a place like that when your alreasy in a relationhip? (Wh go there in the first place? lol All I heard about, it sounds like just... dancing girls but... stripping. There may could also be fakers (looking for fake love, wants to do sexual things for fun, etc) and maybe thy just work there becuse they need the money but, its a very risky way of doing so... before I start ranting about it (lol) I also saw the image you put on... is that what it looks like in a strip club? o. o If so... I always thought they were some run down or secret underground kind of place that barely has lights. O. o;
Anyways... if Im not too late, maybe hope he will change evntually? If he stays the same well... th hard part may happen but... its worth it. I wouldn't leave my future wife at home unless it was because of jobs but otherwise, Id rather stay with her. (*^^*)
If he really loves you, maybe he should bring you with so you can keep an eye on him. Lol! xD Or if he goes, you could go in disguise as a guy without him or anyone else notice and stay in th area as him. lol! xD I dont know... I probably watched too many spy movies or something. (≧▽≦)

Miristheiss · Answer

Well, I'm with you.

If this is a boundary than you have to tell him exactly how you feel about it and that it is a boundary. You have to be willing to enforce your boundary meaning if he goes to other women for sexual entertainment than you just leave him and end the relationship.

If you feel strongly against this type of sex entertainment with real, live women and if he is dead set on doing this it sounds like you two just aren't a match.

Don't compromise your values and boundaries. If he wants you instead of other women he should be willing to make you his "only" girl. Just plainly, honestly express your feelings and tell him this is a deal breaker issue for you and then leave him if he violates your boundary.

AustinTXGuy · Answer

Strip clubs are kind of a weird business style transaction to me. It's the allure of just being a voyeur to beautiful women is part of the allure. Good strippers are good at taking away the business aspect and just making guys feel comfortable. However, I don't think any of these women will threaten your relationship. It could be several reasons for this. Do his friends go without him currently? Has he never been to one and just wants to experience one? Is he being obsessive about it or just curious? The biggest issue I have with him wanting to go is that its a "sexual" activity that excludes you. If you were open to going with him, then maybe it could work out.
If you're having such strong feelings about this issue and you mentioned having other issues between you. You probably need to strongly consider the health of the relationship long term.

castratedwhiteguy · Answer

You should steer him towards emotionless strip clubs and hookers and away from hard core cheating and serious affairs. FYI, pay for play is harmless fantasy buy affairs are nuclear time bombs. Just an educated opinion from a widower who's seen everything. Boys will be boys. Don't torpedo a healthy relationship over meaningless nonsense. In the end, he'll love you more for understanding.

madhatters4 · Answer

if you are 100% against it tell him that under no certain terms you are ok with it. i imagine that he already knows this if he knows you are more old fashioned.

once you tell him it's up to him to decide which is more important his relationship or paying to watch girls take their clothes off

Anonymous · Answer

You obviously don't trust him. I can see why you're concerned but you're both still quite young, I can see why he'd want the experience and at least he's honest with you about it and isn't just done it behind your back, yet. But the fact that you two can't seem to come to a compromise here doesn't exactly bode well for your relationship. If it's really a deal breaker for you then that's fair enough as long as you're happy enough with that outcome in comparison to accepting it.

AlexLM · Answer

If you had a really strong relationship, he wouldn't want to go to a strip club. You are 100% right - it's wrong. Allowing another girl to fulfill good sexual fantasies or desires, even if it's just visual, is cheating. Same with porn. It's simple.
He's not ready for a serious relationship.

samhradh_leannan · Answer

If this is a big issue for you, then sadly, it may be best to end the relationship. If you’re both equally strong in your convictions, then there’s no way to compromise.

Personally, I’d deal with my boyfriend going to a strip club once in a blue moon for something like a bachelor party, but that’s it. If he wanted to go as part of his daily life, I would have a big problem with that and it would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

Gypsy_x · Answer

You get to set the boundaries, so if you are uncomfortable with it and going to a strip club is more important to him, I suppose you have to agree to disagree or cut him loose.

I wouldn't mind if my SO went to strip clubs with friends on occasions, but if he wants to go alone or super frequently for some sexual gratification rather than a laugh and good time with the boys, it would bother me.

dirtyboyxxnz · Answer

If you are both committed to your long term relationship and it would make him happy then let him go after all don't Roy want The man or woman in your life to be as happy as possible. I was in a relationship for years & I can say is you only live once so experience everything you can that bringsa smile to your face. Plus you could go with him who nos you might just enjoy it

Anonymous · Answer

When i use to frequent mine, before I wound up in the hospital, and jobless, I met a guy there, who was pretty cool, has a girlfriend or whatever, however, he told me that when he tells her he's going to the club, she tells him, he'll be spending the night on the couch that night, so as to say, i can't control what you do, however, I can punish you for what you do

PellakaWurm · Answer

in my opinion it isn't cheating unless he has sex with them. most strip clubs are just to watch a couple of girls dance half naked. but if you really don't like him going and he still wants to go. you could offer him a lap-dance/ striptease yourself in your home. perhaps he would enjoy that even more.

Roskin523 · Answer

Stop being so jealous and controlling have a little faith in your mans loyalty to you, and tell him to go have fun. All guys go to strip clubs or lie about not going.

Shaorie · Answer

You need to consider if it was a deal breaker for you and if it is you need to clearly communicate that. Also you can ask why the sudden interest in going there if he hasn't before.

Travis123 · Answer

I’d say give in. I go to strip clubs and get lap dances, my girlfriend doesn’t care and she’s pretty reserved. She even came with me a couple time. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m sure he’ll get sick of them eventually. I rarely go anymore, sometime in Vegas but not nearly as much as I used to. I just kinda got sick of them.

Lovemycountryboy · Answer

Yes it is cheating if he does go break up with him because you do not need to be cheated on

Anonymous · Answer

I would not lwt my boyfriend go to a strip club. But also im a very jealous girl.
Like. I would let him go if it was a bachelor party. But just to look an nothing else. I also see it as cheating.
But if its something he really wants and u dont come to a agreement i would be super mad and maby break up with him.

JohnsonBobby · Answer

If you are against it then he shouldn't go. Express you feel it's cheating and that's it.

Mitch6192 · Answer

Male strip clubs are 100% tamer than when females go to see male strippers. You're not even allowed to touch in our strip clubs.

Rick912 · Answer

If you think this is cheating, you are going to be very disappointed with a lot of the guys out there. Cheating is F'ing another person. Both men and women enjoy to strip clubs (Chip n' Dales for the girls).

Boyfriend wants to go to strip club, what do I do?

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