Drunk boyfriend of 3 years during sex says I'm not sexy, What would you do?

[Moniquita]

end of night, we're having sex and my boyfriend can't get it up. Pushed me off and said "You're not sexy, you're just not sexy" in an angry tone. If I wasn't drunk I would've left and went to my mom's. He apologized but it's hard to believe him the way he said it, and just how he apologized "you've done way worse why are you still upset". 3 days after he said it. He's been trying to make up for it by telling me I'm sexy, etc but hasn't called me beautiful in a long long time. I don't know how to feel. I think my self esteem is just completely shot down. I know most people find me attractive and I do get compliments in first impressions, but it hurts because he's the only one making me feel unattractive when I should feel the opposite from him. He's telling me to stop being so hard on my looks etc, but I can't when the only person I'm ever around is him. I did have self-esteem issues, but they are conflicting (I love my body, but feel self-conscious that they don't fit the contemporary attraction: big boobs) but then i think back on past flings, relationships and I feel better, because the way they acknowledged me made me feel sexy. I hate that I have to do that, but it's for me to make myself feel better, and it does usually. I've tried everything to spice up our love life, and usually it only works for the night. I don't feel like he appreciates me sexually anymore. I want to fix this, but he isn't a talker, and when I try to communicate these things with him he responds in a way that shuts me down (I don't think this is on purpose, he is really bad at talking). I really love him, and I want to do something to change this but I don't know how. I want to forgive him but I don't know how and I want to feel sexy in his presence again, but I feel like I've exhausted all my options at this point.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks everyone for reading this and the replies, the situation is way more complicated, but this is probably the biggest catalyst for our problems at the moment. Aside from that we are perfect for each other, but the issue is that this is a big thing for me...

Updates

+1 y

Honestly I haven't talked to anyone about this, because it's so personal to me, so thanks for replying and reading my replies. It's hard when there isn't someone to talk to, just even to try to negotiate your feelings. Thank you so much i really appreciate it, even just me replying to your guys is helping me figure out what I am thinking of what to do

[darthnegues]

I have friends just like this, what i recommend is slowing down, and really talking to him, if he tries to shut you down, push harder.

[Moniquita]

what do you mean just like this? About the conversation piece? he's super quiet, and really doesn't disclose anything, his answers to most things are "i don't know" and " ya maybe". There isn't any sort of elaboration, so what else do you suggest? I am trying to get him into writing but it's hard. I have tried hard, and usually it just goes silent on his end. I don't know if he is just internalizing or what it's hard to figure out

[darthnegues]

Mabey straight ul telling him the proble face to face

[Anonymous]

Did you gain weight while being in the relationship?

[Moniquita]

10 lbs (138), but It's not noticable, most people think I'm 130, which if I was I'd look pretty skinny for me. in fact, he's gained more than me, I've been the same for 2.5 years now. My breasts have even gotten bigger by a cup (full b), and more perky and full. My hairs grown, etc I take more pride in my appearance than I did ever before.

[Opinion Owner]

Amazing for you! Not so much for your boyfriend. I would have a talk with him. He can apologize but the damage is already done and the feelings are out in the open.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

He's rude & disrespectful. I strongly believe he'll hurt you the same way (if not worse) again. Leave him.

[Moniquita]

I don't know, I really want to make this work, he's really done a lot for me and been there for me through a lot, but it's just been recently that he's been like this. Probably the past few months, and I don't know why. He never seemed like this before, and now I'm retaliating worse, when we try to talk. I don't want to sacrifice my self-esteem, but I also want to make this relationship work, I don't know if that means working on my self-esteem, taking more time apart, or just talking it through (probs won't happen). I just really want him to communicate with me and I don't know how to get him too. I think he wants to work on it too but doesn't know how. Or maybe he's comfortable and is resenting the fact. So many thoughts going through my head on this.

[SoulmateWanted]

If you're unhappy in this relationship you need to get out while you can because you deserve better.

[Moniquita]

Thing is he is super caring and does a lot for me, but it's weird, like there is something that is fading away, and I don't want it gone, like I still want to fight for it. I just don't know what or how. He's the best relationship I've been in yet (and I've been in 3 long-term relationships), and I think he's the one for me. Buuuut, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to navigate this. Could he ever make me feel like that, is it me rejecting him even if he might be saying the truth now? I don't know honestly it's weird because we used to have an amazing sex life too now it's just blah in a matter of months.

[SoulmateWanted]

Have you been blunt with him about it yet?

[Moniquita]

I have, he knows how I feel, he made a pretty tear-filled apology initially, but when I was still sad after 3 days (not sad but super disconnected) he said that I should have gotten over it already, later he retracted what he said. He has tried to tell me I'm sexy, but I am hoping time will heal how I feel. I am pretty mean to him now, in a shut out kind of way, it's when I feel insecure and I think I'm blaming that on him. I'm not always but if I am even slightly I might shut him out, because he won't talk to me about how I feel about it, it's like he thinks if we talk about it, I'm going to end the relationship. Like he's trying to avoid it, even when I'm straight to him about it, he says "what do you want me to say" over and over. I just tell him to be honest and he's so bad at communicating that I can't get anything more than a "I didn't mean it" "I fucked this up". It's hard to tell if he's trying or not because he sucks at talking how he feels.

[Anonymous]

tell him what you said between the lines 17 and 19