Abusive girlfriend, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Ive been dating Amber for 2 years, we are engaged and decided to get married in 2012, so it will give us more time to learn about each other. I love this girl more than a man should love a woman, and we are both madly in love. The issue is, she has anger problems. I've been able to endure it and help her with them (I understand why she is this way because she had abusive parents, and an abusive ex) but she also hits, scratches, slaps, and throws things at me. Everything goes back to normal after each time (she has only lost control 4 times total) but Its become frightening to talk to her in the fear she will go nuts. I'm a strong man and I can put up with getting hit, but I'm scared that with her being so violent, I might hurt her in the process of defending myself. Yesterday she tossed something at me while she was yelling, and I reacted by pushing her (she was sitting ) and it didn't hurt her at all, I pushed her arm and yelled " DON'T HIT ME AGAIN! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL PUT YOUR F***ING HANDS ON ME" but I think it scared her to the point where she didn't understand why I had did it.Its a side of myself I never saw and It scared me too because Id never hurt Amber, yet I felt it was me standing up for myself because Id rather end the relationship than becoming a person that hits women. And despite the conversation we had afterward, she seems to make it seem as if she is the victim... because this one time I stood up to her, out of all the other times she has whooped my ass, how am I the bad guy? What should I do? I want her to find ways to calm down and for things to not get to the point where she is hitting.

[selfishstars]

Honestly, and I know this will be hard to do, but you might have to sit her down and tell her, "I love you a lot and I want to be with you more than anything, but I'm concerned about how angry you get and the fact that you hit, scratch and slap me, and throw things when you're angry isn't acceptable for me. If we're going to continue being together and eventually get married, I think you need to take some anger management classes. It's scary for me, it hurts me, and I have no way to defend myself when you get violent because I'm afraid I'll accidentally hurt you like I did last time."

She will likely get angry and/or upset, she may deny that she's done anything wrong, but hopefully after those initial feelings subside, she'll start to think about what you said and decide to get some help.

If she wont, then it might be time to end your relationship with her. I know you care about her deeply, but no one (not a man or a woman) deserves to be in a relationship where they are scared and physically hurt by someone else.

[Asker]

I agree. I was planning on talking to her today, and she is a very good listener, but she will DENY she did anything wrong and will of course get upset because I'm bringing up past moments. But I don't want to see her hurt, and I really just want this to be done with.

[selfishstars]

It won't be an easy conversation to have. No one wants to admit that they've done something wrong or that they're a "bad person" (not that she's a bad person, but we see these things as things that bad people do and don't want to see ourselves that way or for others to see us that way). Our initial reaction is to deny, get defensive, or try to put blame elsewhere. But it's important to address this as soon as possible, especially before you decide to get married (and possibly have children)

[selfishstars]

Because its not something that will go away on its own.

I hope everything works out for you.

[hollygolightly]

you might want to suggest therapy abuse is something hard and traumatizing to go threw. It must really help her to know that your there so don't with hold your support.

[tucutac]

thats tough man.. what kind of things set her off? its hard to love someone that's on the edge.

I think if you continue to see her and be around for her then it should slowly stop as she learns to trust you more... good luck buddy

[blah52]

Tell her if she keeps it up you two are done.