My boyfriend lied to me about going to a rave?

[Anonymous]

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we're currently doing long distance only for the holidays because we're from different countries. Ever since the Christmas break began, things started to get a little rocky (smth to do with his older sister being jealous but that's a whole different topic). Anyways, the other night, my boyfriend told me that he was "taking a nap" when in actual reality, I have photo and video proof that he went to a rave with his sister and some other people from mutual friend's snapchats. After this, I gave my boyfriend many opportunities to come clean by asking "oh so you really took a nap?"/"you did nothing else that day?" and with every chance I gave him, he replied with a "no". I then thought to FaceTime him for his new years, because I entered mine shitty (the same night I found out he lied to me and went to this rave), and I didn't want his to start off the way mine did. So when I called him and saw him face to face, I asked him one last time "so is there ANYTHING you'd like to tell me or anything you think i'd want to know about before your new year starts?" and again, he said "no." After a few minutes into his new year, I told him that I absolutely HATE liars, and he began to look really guilty and kept repeatedly asking if something was up. Then he said "you know, I have actually lied about a few things" and he finally told me he lied about napping that day. And that he drank so much to numb the "pain" due to our relationship being a little rocky at the moment. then he said he blacked out and doesn't remember anything after that... So, he has yet to come clean about having gone to a rave (and got knows what else he's done at the rave). I don't know what to do anymore because I know he didn't black out that hard to the point where he doesn't remember PHYSICALY being at a rave for MULTIPLE hours? Plus, he was dancing in the videos that I saw him in. I've given him many chances to come clean. I don't know what to do now.

[10dsw]

(1) You're nagging him and pressuring him which is only pushing him further away
(2) Do you REALLY THINK a guy is going to last in a long distance relationship? Guys need sex like daily... that's pretty much one of the major reasons they get into relationships in the first place. Not to talk about how the day went over FaceTime...

[Rnen10]

This is completely bs

[10dsw]

@Rnen10 Why is that?

[Rnen10]

If you really do see nothing wrong with what you wrote, i truly do feel sad for your (future) girlfriend.

[10dsw]

@Rnen10 I've had 3 of them already and all 3 were amicable. And no, I don't see anything wrong with what I said. It's New Years Eve - young people go out and have fun on New Years. Expecting a guy to be home just so he can FaceTime someone half way across the world is completely selfish/needy on her part and a lot of people would chalk this girl up to being "psycho". I mean video and photo proof? Is this the next NSA?

Now I will side with her on the lying part. He should have been up front with her about that - but then again - given the fact that she collects "photo and video" evidence on him like some freak, I don't blame him for being scared of being honest with her

[Asker]

It was MY New Years Eve. Not his. For him, it was still Dec 30th. I didn't expect him to be home to FaceTime me for my New Years of his, but he wanted to FaceTime me when I simply suggested it so his New Year could start off better than mine did. because mine started off with basically me finding out he lied to me about going to this rave. Yeah, you can call me collecting photos and videos as "psycho", but I just simply saw them on my mutual friend's snap story that just so happened to be at the rave with him. So I obviously got confused and insecure at the fact that my boyfriend was telling me he was "napping at home" when those photos/videos prove otherwise.

[Rnen10]

Yet i wonder, if you can't even spare an hour for some facetime, who is the selfish one?

[Asker]

didn't expect him to be home to FaceTime me for my New Years or for his ***

[Rnen10]

To be clear, my previous comment were ment for @10dsw

[Rnen10]

@10dsw And i mean, video and picture proof, is that really that hard to come by with facebook, snapchat & Instagram?

[10dsw]

Ok well I'm glad it was not as bad as I had thought. You came across as some creepy stalker.

Like I said - I don't agree with the lying part - but at the same time you're behaving no different from the girl who gets butthurt because her boyfriend wants to have a guy's night out - which is a very healthy thing to do.

Good luck to you nonetheless

[Rnen10]

Get off your fucking high horse @10dsw. Grow up

[10dsw]

@Rnen10 I am grown up lol - I'm 27 - 5 years older than you.

[Asker]

@10dsw I mean I'm all for a guy's night out. In fact, I encourage him to go out all the time. Trust me. But when I do, he's the one that tells me that he's rather stay in and spend time with me. Regardless, maybe I have given him a reason to act out, maybe I haven't. But I don't think any of those reasons justify his actions for lying to me? I don't know. Part of me wants to give this guy a chance when I see him in person again, because it's hard for me to throw something so beautiful we had, so easily. But reading everyone's responses, I don't know... Is it better to just break it off?

[10dsw]

It's a real toughy because the fact that he lied to you about this kind of makes him untrustworthy. I really don't think you should have sat there and barked at him but at the same time he was being pretty evasive. Maybe, just maybe give him one more chance? And have a serious talk with him about how this hurt you. If he can't understand how this was painful to you, it's time to move on.

[Rnen10]

@Asker Sit down, talk, be completely honest with eachother. Then you'll find out if its worth keeping

[Asker]

Got it. I mean, he has yet to come clean about having gone to the rave still because as far as I'm concerned, he just thinks I think he just drank to oblivion. I just want him to admit it and hear it from his own mouth. I really haven't barked at him all that much if I'm honest with you. I simply probed at some questions in hopes that he would cut the lies and tell me the truth. But he hasn't... and I don't know if he will. Regardless, I hate doing things online in terms of sorting/talking out relationships. So I'm going to wait until I see him in person to actually have this conversation with him. Do you suggest I wait for him to admit about going to the rave/give him another opportunity to come clean? Or should I just say that I know he went?

[Rnen10]

@10dsw Your profile says 26.
I mean my father is the biggest manchild I've ever seen and he's 60. Age has nothing to say with maturity.

[Rnen10]

@Asker I think that if he's really set on keeping up the lie, he won't admit it. All depends on what kind of person he is. I say just confront him about it. Tell him how you feel about it.

[Asker]

@Rnen10 Yeah I thought that too... considering the amount of chances I've already given him. Okay, but then what? Like I confront him, tell him how I feel... then what? :\

[Rnen10]

@Asker then you two either figure things out... or you dont. It all comes down to the outcome of that. can't really plan ahead very much on that part

[Asker]

@Rnen10 Alright. Thanks so much for your help and advice! I really appreciate it... It's just going to be so hard continuing to act like I don't know he went to that rave for the next two weeks... :\

[Rnen10]

@Asker I've been in a somewhat simmilar situation, so belive me when i say, going around acting like you dont know only hurts yourself, dont wait any longer than you have to

[Asker]

@Rnen10 ahh the thing is though, i'm one for confrontation in person. I mean, he already feels guilty (i hope) because he knows that he lied to me and now I'm made aware of it (though I knew longer than he knew i did). I just want to confront him about him being at that rave in person. Because so much can be done and lost online. Like even if I call him, or FaceTime him, it's not the same as physically being in front of them and having this conversation. Because either one of us could easily just turn the phone down/hang up etc.

[Rnen10]

Yes ofc, i would never reccomend an important discussion by anything but face 2 face conversation

[10dsw]

@Rnen10 I'm far from a manchild lol. I'm completing a doctoral degree haha - about half way done

[Rnen10]

I never said you were.

[10dsw]

@Rnen10 Well anyways, to the original question at hand. I really think there's only so much that can be done here. If he's stuck in his lying ways, this is not going to get better.

[Asker]

@10dsw so you suggest that I don't even hear him out?

[Rnen10]

I would say hear him out whenever you want to break up or not. Not for his sake, but for yours. Closure is important.

[10dsw]

Yea do hear him out - but honestly his chances are kind of up... I mean lying is kind of serious in a relationship

[Rnen10]

Relationships are built on trust and communication. This prooved a serious lack of both.

[Rnen10]

What i mean is, there shoudnt be lies and deception between you. That will yield nothing good in the long run.

[Lavinnykins]

Break it off with him; neither of you are in a position to be in a relationship with each other. He needs to realise lying is not okay and you need someone who won't treat you like that and STILL not come clean with the truth after you poke and prod.

[Asker]

I know that's the right thing to do but I just can't get myself to throw away something so beautiful we had away... I guess I'm just trying to find a reason to cling onto this relationship with any last hope that there is :(

[Lavinnykins]

Can you honestly image going through life knowing most of what he says is lies, though? I mean, it's one thing to lie about what you said to someone in passing but to lie about where you were even after proof? It's something to really think about if he won't change his ways; it's not healthy for either of you, it really isn't.

[Asker]

You're right. So you don't even suggest I at least hear him out? Because I'm not going to see him in person for another 2 weeks... So I'm trying to hold off on the fact that I know he went to this rave (because he still hasn't come clean), until I see him in person.

[Lavinnykins]

You've already given him that chance and he passed it up to carry on keeping the truth from you; if he was going to open up and tell you the truth, he'd have done it then. If he had any intention at all of being honest with you, he'd be making the effort to see you before two weeks ahead... You can hear him out but I doubt it will make any difference as he will only deny it again. x

[Asker]

Yeah you're right.. I guess I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I like to see and believe the good in people.. but I guess, it can't always be the case unfortunately.. as for why it's two weeks till i see him in person, is because I'm currently halfway across the world from him, and I don't really expect him to hop on a plane to have this conversation in person right now xD That's why I'm just waiting till I get back to his country to have this conversation in person. The timing is super unfavorable on my end, but I'm not about to reveal the one big thing I know and have over him, which is that he's kept, and still is keeping, the fact that he went to a rave from me...

[Lavinnykins]

In your mind, you may well feel and act single because what he's done really isn't right and the fact he hasn't come clean is only adding strain you don't need. The fact you're across the world, shouldn't make all that much difference; if anything, it's more reason for him to hide more (if that's the way his mind works the way it seems to be working)...

[Asker]

Yeah... I don't know... I guess for now, I'm just going to do as I please until I see him in person, to them give him one last chance to come clean, or simply just tell him what I know and ask him why he lied.. Because I'm not one to just leave conversations without at least getting to the bottom of it.

[Lavinnykins]

Just do you, it's the first thing you know how to do best. When you see him next, give him a chance to come clean and if he doesn't just come out with it and tell him exactly what he's done and how you know. Honesty is - and always has been - the best policy. x

[Cornjackpop2]

Break up with him if he can't come clean about something like that after multiple chances he isn't worth it. Without trust you'll always wonder if he's telling truth it'll lead to worrying amd fights and thats not worth it

[mjmotta109]

Cut with him
And stop waste your life with an idiot who can't appreciate you