Do you know when it's time to admit defeat in your relationship?

[Lilyanony]

I'm a warrior, I'm the type of person that will fight for a relationship. But only if I get indication of something worthwhile.
I'm very analytical and I'm a problem solver.
I unpick things and look at situations from various angles before I make serious decisions.
But without the other person voicing their opinions and perspective I'm just making an estimated guess as to their thoughts and feelings.

When that happens too often. And I'm left questioning I started getting ready to hit eject.

Relationships are tough!!!

[Jaximus-Lion]

Estimated guess ! When you have figured out how things do work for you it doesn't mean your partner dose too. It's taking and giving, always. You have a curtain way to handle things in a relationship! Does your partner knows how you do? Does your partner make decisions in your relationship as much as you? Communication is the key and it should be from both sides not one, you do the communication and he is all confused and quiet, it doesn't work that way. Talk and understand each other, i think misunderstanding can break anything. Not easy but if you both want it to happen and gonna need team effort equally from both of you.

[Lilyanony]

I used to write a letter because, when I used to mention it to my ex without any emotion, he'd ignore it, when I got annoyed he'd cut in, and when I was angry he'd hand up/walk out.
I used to send him essay long emails. They annoyed him but he read them. Eventually our relationship ended but they helped me at least in the short term.
He used to also call a few days and tell me what we were doing no room for question or compromise.

[Jaximus-Lion]

I do understand you have a lot to explain to him but at the same time give him a chance where he can explain and expect that he don't know how to explain and he don't what he wants in a a relationship. Give and take, it's difficult and it will take time to achieve, there will be fights and arguments but there also solutions. May i suggest that you too sit and talk face to face and make a list of top five best things about each other and five worst things, then work on it. In my relationship i gave on some bad habits i didn't realize i had so did my partner, don't get it wrong but you are the kind that people would call ''control freak'' it's just a name and nothing wrong with just make sure your partner is on board where you both control together at the level where both can be happy. A thought how i learned all this, am a refugee from middle east moved to sweden and now am married with a swedish girl and we are doing fine. My point is there is always a solution.

[Lilyanony]

We're no longer together. He proved to be an asshole. I realised my questioning was down to the lack of communication between us. I had been in other relationships where the guy wouldn't leave room for doubt because we talked or text first thing or at some point in the day, we also made plans to do something at a later date due to our busy schedules. I'm not a controlling person or rigid. He didn't want to tell me the things you discuss with your girlfriend because he wanted to have a "casual relationship" he'd act like my boyfriend until we were comfortable then suddenly he wouldn't call as much or answer, he also would 'forget' our plans and not turn up. He liked the familiarity but didn't want to put in the work. And when I mentioned what I saw, he claimed I was paranoid and crazy. So I stepped back. You can't win with someone like that. They are fully aware of their wants they just don't want you to make the decision to walk until they're done.

[Jaximus-Lion]

I don't get it, the casual relationship. I do understand many are not commit to be in a long term relation and you controlling is just in their heads, it doesn't mean you are really controlling his life. I started seeing this behavior more and more and i don't understand it. I do understand what you are going through and all i can say is don't think about it , prince charm will come along one day hoping. Nothing wrong with waiting and taking care of your self. Where in UK do you live?

[Lilyanony]

For now I'm focusing on me. My life needs some improvements but mainly my education. so that's my goal.
I live in London. Born and bred. :-)
I used to have a Vietnamese friend who was born and bred in Sweden she had the luxury of three languages :-) I was so envious I barely speak Spanish made worse by no Spanish speaking friends :-/

[Jaximus-Lion]

Don't be hard on your self. Why would you learn a new language and not use it. I've been to spain, germany, italy and switzerland all i needed was the English language. I do know 4 languages but i write mostly in English, if i talk it well am kinda good can handle my self. speak swedish because i live in sweden and my two homeland languages. I would love to learn Spanish but i didn't need it.

[Lilyanony]

I learned it in school and wanted to reignite my love for it. Plus I had a work colleague who spoke Spanish but then he bloody retired. So my opportunity was lost. I find many people don't want to speak their language unless they have to which I think is so silly. It's a profitable gift and great way to communicate with more people. I like exclusivity and inclusive behaviour. And I think this is key to bringing people together.

[Jaximus-Lion]

It is , it brings people together. Well ! better start getting some Spanish friends :P

[Dude55]

Relationships are tough. I'm going through some stuff with my girlfriend at the min, she doesn't open up and in turn it causes resentment and arguments over something that can be talked through quite easily, instead she'll take it personally, have a fit and it'll take two days to rectify something that can be worked out easily if she'd just talk. I'm the same as you, a fighter but today the more I think about it the more I'm starting to feel like I'd be better off on my own and then I wouldn't feel like shit and rejected.

[Lilyanony]

Perhaps ask her to explore ways of venting her problems but to you.
I used to write a letter because, when I used to mention it to my ex without any emotion, he'd ignore it, when I got annoyed he'd cut in, and when I was angry he'd hand up/walk out.
I used to send him essay long emails. They annoyed him but he read them. Eventually our relationship ended but they helped me at least in the short term. Especially as if it's fear for her, it'll ease her into opening up, and give you a chance to compose yourself without blowing up!

[Pocahontas2000]

I am the same but sometimes you should just stop fighting, if your partner doesn't fight for it and you have to do all the fighting that's when you guess It is time to say goodbye.

[Tethered]

yep, when you're the one making all the effort it's indeed time. No matter what she says, it's what she does that counts.

[Tethered]

or him!

[ariadneR]

I am the same way, but for me its when they start loosing interest. I could be busting my balls, but if its only one sided and he isn't even trying to make it work, then i'm out

[Lilyanony]

It's so disheartening isn't it?

[ariadneR]

Omg yes!

[motownplayer2000]

Relationships, should almost be treated like a business... (Without the unethical practices, and wheeling and dealing too out of get the better of the other) both parties have equal responsibility, both need to contribute to the relationship, both have to agree on certain rules and policies and stay within those set rules, etc... As you said, your analytical, so you should know that... Problem is, in business, you can get too caught up in the numbers or analytics and it can hurt or kill the business... Relationships are high risk, high reward... So if your other partner isn't contributing, or willing to work on contributing, (e. i. counseling, classes, trying to be open-minded about what you want or expect from the said business partner) it's not going to last very long... In my opinion.

[Lilyanony]

I mentioned to another responder: I've been in a relationship where one person silenced and calmed my inner voices of questioning and I've also had a relationship where I couldn't help but feel uneasy and analyse.
It's something I do unconsciously but the wrong 'un triggers something in me that I can't shake and I start to remove myself emotionally and then physically. I'm not so rigid that I can't deal with change but poor communication destroys it all. As you say if they don't work at it, it'll never last

[Anonymous]

I'm also the fighting type, fought for months trying to win my ex over and she kept saying she wants to be together however always pulled back whenever we got close again.
It ruined me, I learned it's time to admit defeat when you're forcing it too hard.

It worked on paper, we shared goals and everything, wanted the same things but she just wouldn't commit again. She kept complaining about the things I wanted to do (that she also wanted to do before) but now that she's seeing someone else, they're doing the EXACT same things we talked about and I wanted to do. I tried to be friends hoping to get back together someday if we just kept in touch but nope, it's just time to move on. That felt like such betrayal.

[Bearded4life]

I am an ENFJ in Myers Briggs personality test. I am the same way you are with relationships and I find myself ghosted by people all the time not sure what happened. I do seem to have a couple relationships that are strong and have endured but I don't know. Everytime I want to invest in someone I seem to push them away. Over thinking and having the need to know "how are things going" seem to be my biggest down fall. Hope this is helpful for you!😀

[Lilyanony]

I've been in relationships where we had no real issues as he would contact me perhaps in the morning and in the evening, I knew when we were seeing each other next and could just enjoy our time together. (We didn't last as we grew apart) but I've been in relationships where they say they'll call and they don't, or they make plans to not turn up. Which also affected areas in our relationship regarding trust and reliability. I find over thinking occurs when you're with the wrong person. The right person calms those voices and answers those questions. You won't push that person away, it comes from a place of fear.

[Bearded4life]

What you have said is completely true. I have been through the same things and I fully agree with you.

[Kiran04]

It's not defeat. You don't win or lose in relationships. You either make it as a couple or you don't. That requires both parties to be willing and able to sustain a long term relationship. If one can't or won't then you'd doneso. Time to move on to someone who can and will.

[24lonewolf]

A relationship should make you happy. There will be ups and downs, but overall if your not happy with it then its not worthwhile. A good friend gave me that advice.

[24lonewolf]

you're

[bennythedog]

I'm kinda similar, I don't analyse it twice. Usually the effort you see is how much they care, so why should you revive something the other side wants to stay dead. Logical move is to leave it.

[FemWorship]

Nooooo = why they sneak around when destroying my nest in travel to another nest

[leedean]

Just ask directly what your partner wants and how you feel. Literally tell them what you typed. You're analyzing the relationship to see if it has potential to progress and if they'd like to continue or not.

[LegateLanius]

When your partner refuses to communicate or they are abusive

[Uhhjsshshdh]

It's time to leave when the other person blatantly no longer cares.

[fadisioufi]

You HAVE to know when to give up and when you have to fight. If its for me, I'd chose to give up more easily than to fight for a relationship.

[Glen68]

I do but I'm stubborn and try everything to make it work but once I've exhausted all my options I end it

[redreddyred]

Do you see what get when you mess with the warrior!!!

[Lilyanony]

In my situation you often get someone who is in your corner, will look after you, listen to you, be your cheerleader, your friend.
I for one don't get angry often. My first response is to just say, what's wrong in a non offensive/defensive way. Eventually I grow annoyed! And start to emotionally disconnect.

[ArianBLr]

Someone had said... defeat is needed when you are fighting with your own people. And to win is must when the fight is between you and yourself.

[MathisT]

I feel exactly the same can't answer yoir questio' but I'm looking for an answer !

[mahmoud_]

When you think any effort you do is not worth it

[lonelycowboy1962]

You never start it

[rickyplysdrums]

Try to understand and help

[rickyplysdrums]

No way

[rickyplysdrums]

Try to understand if your wrong. And help make things better

[rickyplysdrums]

Yes I do

[rickyplysdrums]

No I don't

[rickyplysdrums]

Wdtydrfii

[rickyplysdrums]

Okmsb

[Lilyanony]

Are you OK?