I'm no longer young, and find the same dating dilemmas and insecurities as when I was in my 20s. My boyfriend of 4 months started to back off after an amazing first 2 months together. He started off very expressive, texted sweet things often, called at night, brought flowers, sent songs that made him think of me, the whole deal.
After one or two minor misunderstandings, he backed WAY off. Texts became factual. No phone calls. Stopped making plans unless I pushed, etc.
Fast forward a month. I backed way off. Stopped replying right away. Stopped asking for plans. No more "sweetie" in texts, etc. A full month of me prioritizing me and my life, while seeing him here and there with daily, yet more business-like texts, and...
Guess what? He's back to how we started. Took me playing the game, but slowly got the "miss ya", to the "I miss you", then the "miss being more connected", to "I'm coming over", and "can we talk on the phone?" Then the stronger, more commitment-type talk he started with.
Is this how most men operate... need a little chase? Or is he broken, lol?
FTR: He and I are both single parents, work long hours, and no, he's not cheating. I'm not looking to get married... been there; not looking to move in together either. Just looking for a real relationship, connection.
But once things got real between us, he backed off and only came back once I super backed off too, which I did for self-preservation, not part of a game.
Guys, no matter the age, do you need a woman who is rarely, if ever, in need of reassurance? Do you come on stronger if she is more independent and aloof?
Girls, is this a universal relationship balance, being loving and coming off as clingy, vs more independent, yet not as expressive?
Tough, damn good topic you brought up. I'm not sure if I'm up to my usual, long replies. But I wanted to say that when guys speak privately (like in PM here, for ex.) they often admit they feel a bit sad it's so hard, esp nowadays, knowing how and when to approach women, and that why do they have to always make the first overture? I've been wrestling with your idea for a while, and my conclusion is some guys want the chase, but the majority don't, and they resent the games. Just be cool, be nice, play is straight. If this guy isn't doing that, or he's magnetically pushed and pulled without any conscious knowledge of it, maybe he's not worth it, and you should just cut him loose. If people are *really* into each other, don't they find it hard not to go to the other person?
Thanks for your perspective. I agree, that I don't think he consciously wants the chase, but may be more comfortable setting the pace in the relationship, as someone else pointed out.
I'm trying to play it straight and feel he's worth my time.
We've been together 4 months... this post was a few days ago when he returned to his former level of interested (text-wise, sweetness level, and in making plans). Today asked me to go away with him and his son. He seems fully vested and interested again. A few weeks ago? I wasn't sure.
We'll see. I'm slightly guarded but care about him a ton.
Oh reaaaally. Good for you. I had no guesses as to how it would turn out. But I presume being invited with the son is a great sign. Where are you going?
I can relate and am going through something similar. Men back off either because it's too serious or because there are problems. The problem with us though is that if we really like these men it's hard to back off but we need to so we can save ourselves. I don't know what your disagreements were or how severe they were but it may be a factor. But backing off when you get older is not a game, it's to save yourself from more pain because clearly the feeling isn't being returned anymore.
Sorry you're going through it too. He's the one who pushed things more serious (mentioning our future, introduced me to his son, etc), but pulled away bc he perceived me as needy once or twice. So, I'm back to taking it day by day and now he's all talking about our future again.
I have to remember not to go back to that place where I expected to see him or hear from him, you know, the way a relationship should work š.
Yeah I went through that too. We talked about meeting our kids and the way we acted was like we were together. But I guess things got obviously serious that he backed off and I was left confused because I didn't see it coming. All we can do is take it day by day really. No expectations just because of the history. You'd think that as we got older men would be different than when we were younger. I thought that once you knew what you wanted you'd follow through - that's how I became because there's no time for games. But I guess no matter what age they'll be the same - confused and playing games and acting cowardly
Sorry you're going through it too. I started journaling and the past month was way easier bc I remembered I have a full life, have options without him, and reminded myself I don't need a commitment right now (as along as I know he's open to that possibility in the future.) I just found it interesting that it brought him back to how he was. I made a list of why I was with him, and realized I still wanted to be even if it was with less frequency... maybe that'll help you, too? See if the there's enough worth sticking around for, knowing he's got his need for space and working through his own issues. No easy answers! Good luck.
I can understand why he backed off -- it was the minor disagreements. Reading your reply down below, it's apparent that he thought you were causing drama. As a general rule, guys really dislike that stuff. Guys like for a girl to have it mostly together. because just about nobody longs to be someone else's psychotherapist.
This case seems to be more than that, though (or maybe that's not as intense as it seems), because he obviously misses you. There's one last factor at play -- guys do like to take the lead. If you back way off, then he has to take the lead. Think of it as giving him space/opportunity to be a man. It's respect, really, and guys crave that. I might not be 100% on this, but I think I'm close.
He said anything emotional I have going on, he's not going to play the role of helping me through. Harsh, but I got the message loud and clear.
And yes, he wants to set the pace with how often and when we see each other. You're helping me reframe it in my head, even if it's kinda BS in some ways.
The past month helped remind me I got options and tons of friends and needn't wait around for him, ever.
I got emotional over a few things, and it upset him. He found it needy. Took me a month of demonstrating I'm not actually needy, but believe in follow-through. (Say your gonna call, do it). No longer expect or ask for phone calls. Not worth the let down when he doesn't. The misunderstandings were when he was away and over my bday, which he didn't see me for.
So if I'm understanding this correctly, he said he was gonna call and didn't, then you got upset at him for it, and then he called you emotional and distanced himself from you. Do I have that correct?
That's a very simplified version of it, but essentially. The call that didn't happen was over the course of 3 nights.. texting "tired, GN" instead. Hung up on me when I called the 3rd night bc his son was nearby, sleeping, then asked me what the hell was so important?
And the other time was cancelled plans, and lack of follow through on stuff... similar in that I said "why do things seem different?", which pissed him off.
Whenever Iāve experienced this to this extent itās not ended up working out. Thatās not to say it wonāt, just that thatās been my experience (but donāt let that determine any of your decisions, you have to do that for yourself a second I am not you and my partners were not him).
It sounds like you guys might have communication issues, so if you can work on them together maybe itāll improve? 👍🏻 If you really like each other itās worth fighting for.
But yes, Iāve learned to only give as much as I get now, and thatās exactly what I do.
Well, time will tell. Thanks for the feedback. I think communication is definitely a factor, and at this point, I'm somewhat hesitant to address things. But I will when I see him next. Thanks for the reply.
Maybe he learns better by you teaching him with your actions instead of talking, he may see that as personal criticism (you know how guys can be with fragile egos and such). Maybe when you distance yourself he realises that heās actually losing you and has to step up his game. I feel like a lot of guys donāt take words seriously, unless they know your character enough to know that you mean it.
Makes a lot of sense. I do think he misunderstood me to be needier than I actually am. And yes, losing me was a possibility. I appreciate your perspective.
Iām sorry heās being a dick. Iād rather be single. Some guys dint act like that even when young. Itās immature and disrespectful... I understand relationships are complicated. but why does he add drama 😐
I appreciate your perspective. My younger self would've walked for sure. He's being a dick, yes. He had an awful ex wife, but he is a great guy and a fabulous dad.
He only wants to communicate face to face about our relationship, but our lives leave that to once a week, meaning I shelve shit I shouldn't.
We talk a ton. Honest communication? Could be better, yes. When we hang, it's talking for hours about us, pasts, vulnerabilities, high points, scars, you name it. We've both had plenty of life to share. But talking about our few bumps? He shut down, I gave him space. I'm working on it. Thanks, though. I needn't give in, especially at this point in my life.
Thanks for more details!! Maybe you realize he might not be the best choice. . . If you aren't getting what you need, the love, caring, and intimacy, well, you can decide!!
I think in your situation it could be the age as well. Not all men are like this but yeah I see your frustration. It could also be because he cares more about his kid's life than you and his relationship.
I wish you'd stop commenting on anything I post. Your input is purely cynical and not welcome. You are a very unhappy man who has way too much time on his hands.
Don't ask the question if you don't want an answer. You are a frivolous special snowflake game-player and can't stand to be called on it. Either block me or STFU and pay attention. IDGAF either way.
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