How do I deal with a woman who has trauma from a previous relationship?

[Anonymous]

We dated for 5 months 3 years ago, and it didn't work out because she had a miscarriage and shut me out because she was so frightened and scared. She never told me. She just shut me out of her life. I tried to talk to her but gave up, unaware of what happened.

A week ago, we reconnected. After the miscarriage she got with a man who abused her, physically, emotionally, and sexually. That lasted for 2 years. She's spent the last year getting her life back together. We talked and the same things that drew us together the first time drew us back together and we decided to meet up.

The date went really well. I came over and made dinner and we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. She'd lay on me and put her hand on my knee and it was like old times again. After the movie I went to kiss her. She was up against the arm of the couch so I was kind of on top of her. This is when everything went sideways. I could tell after about 10-15 seconds something was wrong. She was terrified. I got up and I asked her if everything was ok and she said she was just tired and needed to go to bed.

When I got home I messaged her that I had a nice time and hoped we could do it again soon. Then she laid out what had happened. She had an axiety attack because I had gotten on top of her like that. I felt so stupid and awful. I told her going forward I won't do anything like that and if she needs, she can control the pace of intimacy entirely. Now I don't know what she's thinking. She says she needs time to think about things, but she keeps messaging me, I think because she's afraid of losing me again.

I spent 3 years thinking about her, even while I was in a relationship with someone else, and she said that while she was in that abusive relationship she pined for me and wished she'd never given me up. Now I just need to know what do I do to show her she can trust me. I just want to make her happy and I don't want to lose her again.

[YHL6965]

Try to get her to open up about that past relationship, be present and there for her, show her that she can trust you. Talking about this past experience will relieve her from that burden and it will make things more clear for you. Victims of abuse tend to have anxiety about sex, physical contact and situations where they feel overpowered by someone so be careful, go slowly and communicate with her about this. Tell her that it is okay if she feels anxious or stressed but try to tell her to communicate with you about it so that things remain clear between you two.

Ultimately though, I think therapy would be a good thing for her because she probably has gone through very serious trauma in this past relationship and, if you feel a bit lost or that you don't really know how to deal with this trauma, therapy would be even more helpful.

I really hope for the best for you two, things can be a bit delicate with that kind of issue, but it's an opportunity for you two to bond even more.

[Asker]

She's had some therapy but she said this latest incident proves she needs more, so I'm hoping that she'll get back into it and discuss some of these issues. She is dedicated to getting better, which is one reason I'm not jumping ship at this first sign of trouble.

[YHL6965]

This is a very good sign, I hope things work out well for her and for you.

[Ronald_25]

Be patient. Be understanding. Be there for her, as she will often be upset with you when she remembers what happened in the previous relationships. Just be understanding and help her onto the other side of the trauma and she'll be a playful kitty before you know it 😽😊

[flamiE]

Her telling you about the attack and messaging you afterwards means she doesn’t feel entirely uncomfortable with you. Try to make her feel safe, spend time with her, cuddle and laugh together. Don’t rush things.
The problem is you don’t know what could trigger her so you need to think twice before you do anything, even simple things, but don’t give up, just be there for her.

[Annie12234]

Take easy and try to comfort her if you can also allow her to lead you. I think she need some help like get therapy or counselling when she feel ready to go see some help.

[SuperMoist]

Lmao bruh. Been in a similar situation... Never ended well. Don't know what you got going on but you can only have so much patience before resentment builds. On some fucked up level it turns into her manipulating you because of your "kindness and understanding". It sucks but it's probably best if you don't pursue it.

[SuperMoist]

Tried working with her 7 years.

[MrKinktastic]

You don’t need to feel bad for that, in this case.

My best advice is take things slow but Id want some kind of therapy going on so she can work on processing it. If she’s still in run mode she might not be ready quite yet

[djmzes]

Simple

[Savage_Wisdom]

Don't pressure her, just let her know you're there for. You might also suggest she tried going to therapy for her traumatic past, even suggest going with her if she thinks it would it easier for her.

[Dongtai]

I don’t think you can. People like that need to admit to themselves that they have a problem and they have to want to fix it AND put that want into action.

Therapy is probably her best solution.

[JREED9383]

With a ton a patience. It can take a long time. But, you just need to have patience and constantly reassure her. If, there is an argument and she brings up what the other person did, take a deep breath and remind them you are not that person.

[Anonymous]

Try to comfort her. But to be honest she needs professional help

[Agape93]

Take it slow and let her lead