Is it disrespectful to your current partner if you refuse to unfriend your ex on Facebook?

[Coolflow9]

Say you had an ex that you broke up with on good terms and kept in touch with for almost a few years after an occasionally hung out with. If your new partner that you were incredibly serious with knew that and was a little uncomfortable about you still being friends on FB with the person and you refuse to unfriend them is that being disrespectful?

My girlfriend says she has no need to communicate with her ex anymore, (even though she texted him happy birthday shortly after we started dating 🙄) but if that’s the case why won’t she unfriend him on FB? To me it makes me feel like there’s some sort of attachment there and she can’t let go completely. I don’t want the guy being able to see our pictures or life together moving forward and I think a part of her wants to see how his life pans out. She knows it doesn’t make me feel very good and I told her I would leave it up to her, but she hasn’t deleted him in over 3 months now since that conversation. Should I bring it up again?

Updates

+1 y

I guess I should mention that she did delete his number after she said that she didn’t have any reason to contact him anymore, but I’ve notice she has yet to unfriend him on FB.

Updates

+1 y

After seeing that the opinions were just about split 50/50 on if this is disrespectful or not I decided to bring it up last night to her. I asked why she was ok with unfriending other people she has dated, but not him? She said that since they ended things on good terms she didn’t want to be rude. I told her that I felt disrespected that she didn’t delete him before b/c she knew how I felt about it and that it makes me feel like there’s a reason behind it. She apologized and deleted him.

[AmandaYVR]

Awkward. Very awkward.

I think there are a few things to consider.

1. How unhappy or uncomfortable this particular aspect or situation is making the person in the relationship, and that could be changed, if the other partner was willing to change. If you really love them deeply, would you do whatever it takes to make them happy, or would you try and hold onto something for yourself? The fundamental concepts here are compassion and compromise. But who must step up more? Couples continually look for this balance, this give and take.

2. This could involve jealousy and control. And it could also be about very legitimate, human feelings, which are quite inescapable. But the tough question is - just because we feel things, are they right or justified, or should they try to be curbed?

3. Has trust been broken before? Or has the person proven themselves, over time, to be trustworthy and honest? Is [your] level of trust influenced by past relationships, or are you correctly and distinctly assessing this one, as it is, based on her past typical behaviour? Is she acting secretive about this, closing the screen when you catch her on it?

4. Personality differences. Some people are extroverts and some are introverts. This could also be factoring in, relating to the number of contacts and connections, either shallow or deep, that people prefer to have in their lives. Also, not everyone has a similar past. Some have more or fewer exes than others. While you may have no interest in people from your past, and/or be very discerning, or finite in your decisions, another might not be, because to them, more people (as with more things/objects/clutter in a home) feels like a fuller life.

5. The world we live in today is not what it once was. People have always had pasts, but now it is the easiest it's ever been to reconnect, or stay connected. It is definitely influencing our behaviour. People can now scratch that itch. Humans are very curious creatures, especially when they won't be seen doing it. This will never go away. But now that we have the means to look each other up, should we allow that, and go with it, or push back against it? And should our behaviour regarding this change based on whether we are in a relationship? A tough question.

Her interest in him could honestly just be mild curiosity and/or sometimes remembering fond times. Also keep in mind that browsing someone on social media is not the same as meeting up with them, or any more direct interactions. Although pm's are possible. And all sorts of other stuff. Do you think they're doing that?) I know it doesn't make you happy, and it is your right to feel that way. No one would want this, choose this. But what should happen (or not happen) next is the tricky part.

[AmandaYVR]

I personally am in a 20 year marriage and we have brushed up against this topic for many years (though it's never been an area of conflict for us. I was very attached to my husband and wanted to spend so much time with him, so when I started wanting to go out and do other things, even if it was with men in a non-sexual business-met context, or internet friends online, he has always been fine with it. He was happy to have the house to himself for a bit, or to not have to talk or entertain me, and gets to have his quiet free time as well.) And yes, I know, sometimes it will not work out in your favour, but if it does... then there is no better feeling than knowing you allowed each other that space, and they chose you. I respect the hell out of my husband for allowing me this, and vice versa. And I don't ask to see the emails he's exchanged with an ex and a past female friend who I think is/was interested in him because she wrote him one Valentine's Day, or get uppity about the women he works with, etc. It's all good. We spend almost all our time together, and if we didn't allow each other this, we would lose all sense of agency and autonomy. I believe this is something which is learned, and earned, over time.
I used to do some mock jealousy sometimes, with a huge grin on my face. I don't anymore. The game got old. He never did/was/showed it. It is a sign of caring, unless it gets out of hand. I think for some people, they don't like to show jealousy because it's a point of pride. Perhaps they feel it makes them look weak. But everyone is different. We believe in giving each other the space to have at least a kernel of being our own people, but, and maybe because, you cannot contain someone with a tight rein. We believe in the power of choice. And that one must allow their partner to choose them, while they have other choices. That is true love. That is what is meaningful.

[Coolflow9]

1. Mildly uncomfortable with the situation considering I told her how I felt about it and she has not deleted him yet.

2. No jealousy involved as she has a longtime family guy friend who she texts almost on a weekly basis. I’m fine with it because she was up front and honest about communicating with him when we first started dating.

3. No trust has ever been broken. In fact she is very truthful about things when in some cases she didn’t have to be. I trust her in that I know she would never cheat on me. She says she would never do anything to hurt me or upset, which is why I don’t understand this situation. She’s knows how I feel yet won’t delete him.

4. We are both introverts and not very social. We are so alike in that we are completely happy with spending most of our time together.

5. I’m not sure what you are getting at here other than I agree that social networking makes it far to easy to reconnect with people outside your normal circle.

All in all if her reasons for staying friends is because of “mild curiosity or remembering fond times” then I am uncomfortable with that. The person is an ex that SHE broke up with, so she should be able to move on entirely without any desire to see what’s going on in his life or allow him to see into hers (and mine somewhat) through FB.

[AmandaYVR]

Yes, there is definitely no one clear answer to this.
Key points are that it is bothering you, but also that she has never given you any reason to think her untrustworthy.
I think it's great you have not been insistent, and left it up to her. But now you feel a little slighted, eh?
I still think that just because you have zero interest in past exes/people, doesn't mean it means something more significant to another. It may or may not.
She has been Facebook friends with him for years, hey. So it's not a new connection and curiosity she's looking to assuage. This is either a friendship that endures, or a semi-romantic connection she doesn't want to give up.
I don't suggest you necesarily ask this, but it would be interesting for you to know whether she is receiving update notifications about him. One can specify these in one's account. That would be a reasonable compromise, to not unfriend, but to limit notifications via email, etc.

[RemoErdosain]

This has been helpful to me too. I like your take on the subject

[AmandaYVR]

@RemoErdosain Thank you. I appreciate that. Nice to have feedback sometimes. And happy to help. Sometimes it's good to bounce ideas around.

[mne25]

I can totally understand your jelous feelings. But I feel like in your situation it's not disrespectful of her, because I feel like there isn't anything fishy you discovered. If you found that they talk regularly and closely as if they miss each other, you could ask her to delete him to see if mayve she cares to much. But a happy birthday isn't psrticularly alarming. Me and my ex best friend who i dont give a fuck about anymore exchange happy birthday messages on fb lol. Its can be her just being social.
My last boyfriend before my current was a great guy and I ended the relationship, but on good terms, and even trough I am definitly not currently interested in going back to him as a man, spending so much time with someone makes it weird to forget and delete evrything that reminds you of that person as a person. It doesn't have to be sexual or romantic attraction there anymore, you just have a platonic sentiment to that relationship and it doesn't have to be wrong towards the new one.

[Barry88]

They broke up on good terms, so I don't see the problem. Of course, it's an ex. But that exactly describes why it isn't a problem: it's an ex. They don't have a relationship anymore. They broke up and they remained on good terms, so why can't they be Facebook friends anymore? She doesn't hate him, she probably wishes him the best and might want to see how he does. But he is her ex, he is part of her history, you are her present. There is a reason why they aren't together anymore and why you are her boyfriend now. I think it shows that you want to control, that you feel insecure and that you don't trust her if you ask her to remove him as a Facebook friend. I can understand your feelings though, but I don't think it's a good idea to ask her. She would feel as if you don't trust her. But if you trust her, you know she won't do any stupid things. So no need to ask her to remove him as a Facebook friend.

[coastisclear]

If this was an ex from 10+ years ago that she dated in aHS or college (and hasn’t spoken to in years) that’s one thing. That would be the guy she would maybe invite to your and her wedding.

But from what you described she is keeping him around as an emotional safety net (or worse if she gets real angry at you).

How long have you been dating this girl? If it’s longer than 3 months this is a huge red flag. Sign she has big insecurity issue and low integrity.

I would get honest with her. It sounds to me you don’t want to rock the boat (been there) but tell her you don’t appreciate this connection. Even if this other guy has zero (current) hope of getting her back, you never know what she will do if she gets pissed of at you. Most women (and some men) do very stupid things when their emotions are rattled.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

Honestly, if you don't trust her to set and enforce the appropriate boundaries between her and her ex, you have some pretty big issues to work on in your relationship.

I'm still friends with one of my exes, but have no romantic interest anymore. We've been friends for 20 years, since childhood. We will remain friends regardless of whether any guy comes into my life.

Also keep in mind that encouraging someone to delete or unfriend a person doesn't mean they wouldn't still otherwise contact that person behind your back or think about them. This is why trust is so important. If you feel you can't trust your partner or that there's something still going on between your partner and her ex, you have a lot of reevaluating to do.

[lumos]

I have an ex that I'm still friends with on facebook, we also ended things on good terms and I'd quite frankly be hurt if my current boyfriend wanted me to delete him. Me still being friends with him doesn't mean anything, nor should it affect my current relationship with my boyfriend whatsoever. I want my boyfriend to be able to trust me and not demand me to delete people on facebook. To me that would be a much bigger red flag and sign of disrespect, compared to having an old ex among hundreds of other people on your friends list on facebook.

[MzAsh]

No. It’s just Facebook. It’s not like she’s texting him every day. You need to be a little bit more mature about this. Get over it now or you’ll risk losing her respect for you entirely.

[pervertedjester]

"Either We are each other's Future or You are stuck in the Past. In which case I'm Out."

[Dummy23]

It's kinda weird. Before my last relationship I would say yes they should delete them. However now that seems immature. The newest ex and I had a good relationship and ended in good terms. There were some value differences that were to big but still had a great friendship just can't start a family with her. So we broke up and promised to stay friends. It's been a while and all the romatic feelings are gone and we woudnt hook up even if we both were single were just friends now. It didn't make sense for us to throw away each other just because we weren't right as a couple but had a great friendship. I suggest talking to ur girl and finding out why she won't delete him. If they are both respectful of ur relationships I don't see the problem I doo 100% get the struggle tho

[potatoiswhoiam]

I don't think it's disrespectful. It's a whole different story if she connected with this person after you guys started dating or after you got into a relationship, but he's been her friend on FB before that, so you were ok with it before, so why would your mind change about it now?
Sometimes we look for really stupid reasons to make our relationships fail when really, there is no big deal about these things. You guys are together now, so what if he's in some list of friends in fb. That doesn't change anything

[Rain_mf]

As a woman I’m going to tell you that when a woman keeps an ex around their is still something there. Once a woman is done done we are done & not trying to keep you around as a matter of a fact we tell our friends stuff like “ugh what was I thinking”, he’s disgusting I’m so over him or we’ll just block.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

That isn’t always the case for all women. I really forgot about my exes until I had look at one of my stories and saw they viewed it. I was like they didn’t unfriend themselves yet? Oh well let me keep looking good in quarantine.

[Rain_mf]

Exactly my point! You Want to keep looking good even if they’re your exes their is still something there where you WANT to keep looking good. Im sure even w a boyfriend you’d still reply if an ex complimented something nice to you... & that’s how shit starts simple & slow

[Rain_mf]

You like that they’re viewing your stories & you want to keep looking good so they can see what they lost...

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

I have always posted before I met those people. I said I’ll keep looking good because I was saying nothing has changed. I don’t see why I’d have to do all that work of searching to dramatically block and unfriend. For why? They’re perfectly capable of doing the same thing and unless they’re a psycho stalker I don’t need to put my energy into something so dumb. Example one of my boyfriends did an experiment to see how much I care. He unfriended me to see if I had noticed and when I tell you I didn’t notice till he had to tell me like a week and a half later. His point was proven and valid and I had no debate about it. As for my story my I would only notice if I had to go back and edit something because I’m my mind they’re just another stranger liking my pics.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

Congrats your insecure behavior snowballed into controlling paranoia. Which has now caused her to burn a bridge she had no reason to burn. Sounds like you should re-evaluate your behavior. This is a huge bright red sign of crazy and no one would be surprised if she asked for a break, just saying.

[DiegoO]

You are afraid that there are still feelings in between. Do you think he can take her away from you? If you think so, you're thinking wrong.

Not everyone ends on bad terms with their ex, and most, if not all who break up on good terms, stay mostly as an acquaintance, rather than friends with each other. If your partner cheats on you, if she does it with her ex, don't assume he "seduced" her into his arms. No, not the case. If a relationship is solid, it's solid, if it has cracks, there will always be negative outcomes, and either you or she would be susceptible to cheating with anyone.

[Barbaric]

I think it is. Some people think it isn't.

This is one of those things where I'd be unwilling to budge, and it would be a deal breaker regardless of what anybody else thinks about that. We'd be incompatible.

[Mollynotgemma]

I think the issue about it is the current relationship! Everyone has a past! Why care about an ex so much... I know why... coz you’re not secure in your relationship!
Think about it... if she did Defriend him on Facebook... that does not delete him from her life!!
I actually think if she did delete him... you are just trying to control something and actually she will wonder more about her ex as can’t see him on Facebook!

[standingUP]

ANSWER: NO.
I don't understand the insecurity on your part. She already "HAD" him and disposed of the relationship and is with "YOU". What else do you need from her?
You think controlling her by way of guilting her as disrespectful is healthy and attractive?
Why would you feel threatened, should be the next question you ask on here.

[Imcmullan]

I see your POV but he should feel threatened... people who do this are purposely keeping that person at use bay for a c just in case" situation. When a woman is done- she is done. She will certainly delete, block, and never look back when she's done. If she hasn't deleted him , its bc she is curious to know what is going on in his life or she wants to make him jealous of her current beau. Us women aren't as mature and evolved as we like to think or make others think. Most women are the queens of being petty. It's a reason that (idiots) people reference women as "bitches" ... we are like dogs-loyal and territorial... with the loyalty comes respect.. out of sheer respect we wouldn't keep an ex on a social media page unless we want them still in our lives.

[standingUP]

@Imcmullan I am friends with a couple of my exes one very recent whom broke up with me both on social media. I also have family members that are friends with some of them too. None of that bothers me. We do wish the other the best life has to offer them all in good faith not for any rebound factors. My current woman has her ex husband on hers and they have kids together so I don't expect the past to haunt. I expect the past to be a lesson of turning the page.
I am totally confident and sure of my current situation. I have the person that I am with now for a reason. The past is the past no matter what the connections are.

[jgokgotit]

My thoughts may seem to contradict each other, but I think it is and is not disrespectful at the same time. I personally cut ALL exes off, but I do not feel like it is disrespectful to keep an ex as a friends unless they try to start drama or take back my girlfriend. To be upset about that would mean some part of me does not trust her. At the same time, if one partner feels it is ok and the other does not, it is inconsiderate of the not ok partner's feelings to do so.

[MannMitAntworten]

Personally I wouldn’t ask her to delete anyone. Maybe just avoid visiting her facebook for your own sake. If she ask why you don’t visit I suppose you can express why you do not at that point and let the chips fall where they may, but also risky as that could come off as manipulative. I don’t use social media for reasons like these. Small things cause big issues in relationships. A headache I do not need in my life.

[jgirl99]

I don't know mean a little, its like, why do u HAVE to be friends with ur ex? Just unfriend them, don't make it a thing by refusing. Its not that u are friends with them, its that ur refusing that's causing the suspicion

[coffeewithcream]

Totally disrespectful.
It's ultimatum time. Either unfriend him or you have to sit in the back seat when we drive anywhere.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Depends on the situation.. no its not... but it is if he wanted me to and I refused..

[PeacefulRainDrop]

You make sacrifices for the one you love if she's not willing to delete him when you ask her again.. ask her why? If she hesitates there's something more going on.. if she says she doesn't want to cause they are friends just explain how it makes you uncomfortable and she shouldn't have a problem.. if she does or points the finger your being controling get out of that relationship

[BeachMaster]

Kinda cause you know they are probably still talking to them and planning on it. You could be potentially wasting your time with them and wether or not you trust them comes into mind.

[winterfox10]

Meh... I find the concept of remaining friends with an ex to be a horrible idea in general. I don't think it's disrespectful to the current partner though.

[Coolflow9]

Thanks for your opinion. The only reason I can think of for staying FB friends is to occasionally catch a glimpse of what’s going on in someone’s life and to me it hurts that she wants to see that. I just don’t understand it. It’s an ex and I think they should be out of her and I’s life entirely. Mine all are.

[winterfox10]

He's not in your lives though. If you're uncomfortable with it, just ask her to delete him.

[Coolflow9]

I know not literally, but he can probably see every picture she and I post and I don’t think he should get to see that. I don’t know I just know that if I happened to have an ex as a FB friend and she was uncomfortable with it I would I friend immediately. The fact that she won’t makes me feel disrespected a bit 😕

[winterfox10]

You can only control what people see on your page. Whether or not he gets to see your couple's photos on her page is a total non issue. If anything, it shows the ex that she's happy with you. Look, you told her that you would leave the decision up to her. This isn't an issue of disrespect; it's a question of whether or not you trust her judgement.

[DizzyDesii]

Its disrespectful. I asked my ex to unfriend his and he was against it. He finally did. A week later i found her “secretly” added back. Hella disrespectful