Can you help me understand how to deal with depression in a relationship? Is there a way to turn this around?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my man for 3 years. Our blended family consists of his son and my daughter, both 9 and we recently decided to put my house up for sale and move in together. The problem is that for 3 years we have been dealing with his clinical depression, anxiety and trust issues. In the beginning I was very patient and understanding and even went as far as changing my habits to accommodate his problems. I chose not to go to certain work functions, I cut out friends and became more of a home-body. I am now scared to hell of moving in together and continuing this way as it is becoming very clear he has taken advantage of this and is not doing his part. He has a list of excuses as to why he is not consistently going to therapy. He yells at me and tells me I cause his anxiety when I push him to do things that I think will better our lives and we are now to the point of fighting more than anything else. He says I am angry all the time now. And I believe I am. I am angry that I have been patient and helping for 3 years but here we are and he has still made zero effort in working on himself. To this he tells me I am crazy because just being in our relationship takes a ton of effort for someone with this problems. That then makes me feel horrible for wanting to leave. I tell myself to pause the house sale, go home and see if my absence triggers some change in him. But my fear is that if I let up off the gas we won't end up at our end destination. What can I do to make things better? Friends say he needs to feel a loss and I need to pull away but I do not think they truly understand what I am dealing with.

[AmandaYVR]

I'd like to help you out but I'm not sure what to say. These types of situations, let alone relationships in general, are so complicated. Very difficult to summarize, hey? You did your best. And I'm sure people/askers feel no one wants to read 'a novel', but I'm not sure there's anything truly meaningful that I could say, based on this amount of detail/information.

Trying to deconstruct, and repair, depression is almost like trying to capture the wind. It can be done, but it is so amorphous. And I don't want to sound trite. I don't think three sentences would be valuable. Perhaps there is some in the aggregate, though? The shared commonality of knowing that each person who writes maybe a brief comment, understands, and may or may not have been through it themselves, and maybe they found a way through, to the other side. I can say that does happen.

But this is not just a matter of depression. I think sometimes it feels like a convenient/or the only even somewhat apropos word to try and encapsulate such complex ideas, however every relationship has problems, issues, and whether one person is dealing with mental health issues or not, conflicts will arise. It adds another layer, and more intensity to a relationship (and meds have a huge impact too), but sometimes the conflicts that seem to arise out of depression or anxiety or whatever mental health issues... well they actually existed all along. They are merely, but sometimes dramatically, amplified, brought to light. The person who is suffering the most (the primary person, but not the only person) can get very volatile, angry, bitter... or on the complete opposite - passive to the point of inertia. It is a lot to deal with. But I would also say that their feelings do not come out of nowhere. Under stress, under duress, or a very heavy, dark cloud, tempers flare and things look bleak, very bleak. But those issues do need to be addressed.

Depression can be described and defined many ways. It can be the antithesis of rose coloured glasses. Or like standing inside a rain cloud, or fog. But not entirely unlike a midlife crisis, it brings some things to the surface, to a head. It is very possible that once the person is out of it, they can look at the exact same situation (whatever that is) and see it as, once again, glass half full. And the things which once bothered them greatly can now just be swept away, passed over, without dwelling on them.

There's a line in a Jack Nicholson movie which I think it quite clever.
“Anger can be useful. Watch out for the bitterness.”
- Jack Nicholson in How Do You Know

Your husband needs you to help him address these things. At this point the conversation here could take a turn/side street, talking about how men and women handle conflict, which is quite differently. You are upset, at your wit's end, about his inaction, and I completely understand that. But beyond that, I have no idea what is taking place between you two. There are any number of actions or inactions that may be useful/necessary here.

You can pm me, if you want. Sorry I can't be more specifically helpful.

[Asker]

Wow thank you so much for all the input-everyone. It seems a common theme is more info is needed. So without writing a novel I can offer some insight into our day to day over 3 years plus. When we met he was dealing with his emotions from his divorce and his wife cheating on him. He had also lost his father so was grieving and his wife used his grief and the fact that he "shut down" as her reason for cheating. So the first 1.5 years I listened, consulted and let him unload it all on me. I offered assurance that what he was feeling was not wrong and tried to make him see that it was also not permanent. I dealt with sever jealousy and trust issues that came from his ex and I dealt with severe judgement from him due to my honesty... For example I was honest with him about a friend that I had a past romantic moment with and that turned into mean comments regarding this person, anger and distrust. It drove me to turn my back on that friendship and remove that person from my life. Then as months went on and the hurt from the divorce subsided and was replaced with happiness in our relationship I started noticing he "found" or even looked for negativity else where. Suddenly a hurt shoulder would become he thinks he needs surgery or a speeding ticket equals a week ruined and financial fear. A leak in the roof turns into the entire house is falling apart and he hates his job, his body, his home etc. I'll make a comment about being busy with work which he will instantly reply to with a comment on how at least my busy = $$... I am in sales. He says things like he doesn't feel like he knows how to love but he believes he loves me and everyday he looks forward to the end of it so he can eat edibles and go to bed. He has no motivation to do anything and says it is because he is depressed but then when I get him out and about doing stuff he enjoys it and is better which makes me question if is clinical or just mental.

[AmandaYVR]

Wow, you are good, girl! Your situation is complex and you are quite insightful.

I don't really have much more to say, but it's interesting, reading your summaries. Not easy to do. Relationships are so layered, hey?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry to inform you , but your friend is right. You need to pull away.

[Aaron_Stone]

What's the reason for depression?
Only defining name of problem isn't helpful.
Finding and eradicating it's root is the way of solving it.
Find what caused him depression? How much it has to do with daily activities? How much importance does he give to whining about it rather than acting to cure it?

1. Make a plan,
2. Start taking small steps.
3. Be strong, firm in case he back down.
4. Tell him if he isn't ready to take efforts you won't either and leave him if this continues
5. Motivate him often
6. Ask him to consult therapist for drugs that calm mind. Show him benefit of such anxiety relieving drugs. Use those while continuing your plan with progress.

Follow above steps as of now see of there is improvement.

[Guardian45]

Your life is too complicated to offer a 'cure' here, but I think I can make two important suggestions.

(1) Don't sell your house just yet.
(2) Tell him you want to go to couples counselling, because you feel unhappy.
Emphasis on the YOU.

What I expect will happen is the therapist, NOT you, will suggest he needs to address his depression to move forward in your relationship. You won't look like the one telling him to get help for his depression!

If he refuses to go, then you'll have to consider if this relationship is salvageable.

Just my two cents. Good Luck!

[dudeinohio]

Depression is a terrible disease. It requires a lot of patience and a lot of work to make a relationship work... on BOTH sides. This means he needs to work on himself also, instead of you having to carry the whole burden. My girlfriend and I both have major depression and things are working fine... we can relate to each other.. but we also know how to take care of our selves... But I have no answer for you.. but maybe i gave you some insight.

[reptocarl2]

It won’t ever change unless he gets on meds and counseling. If he won’t then you have a decision