So she's a girl I used to know who rejected me (kindly) and long story short, even though we were friends even after the rejection, she started acting distant and cold. She deleted me from Instagram, I deleted her from Facebook and obviously we're no longer friends. My problem is that I fell for her so HARD! That even after more than a year since the last time I saw her, I still obsessively think about her and it's so unhealthy! Like she's still on my mind a lot even though I don't see her and there's no contact between us. Like I think this is the hardest I have ever fallen for someone and I just think I'll never find someone like her! Her voice is so feminine, her body is just perfect! she has the same background as me, and is passionate! Aside from the fact that she doesn't like me, it's hard to think of any negatives in her, as some people say write down what you think is bad about this person and that's why this is hard! :( :( I have this desire to just want to know what she's doing now, do I ever cross her mind, is there someone in her life... etc. And it's so unhealthy! It's been more than a year! Any helpful tips? Thanks
Been there, done that, got the broken heart, and eventually got over it. Unrequited Love sucks, but you can get over it, it's just not easy.
Since you already know about writing out their negatives, then that's good. Though for some reason you can't seem to bring yourself to start it with the obvious; "i don't like that i gave her my love, and she disregarded it like it was nothing, and then disregarded me by walking away even from our friendship too. I hate her for thinking that little of me, when i was prepared to give her everything" .
Instead you still seem to want idealize her, as if she makes your work lunch every day, with sweet love notes occasionally left in them with little kisses on them. So in that sense, the question must be asked; why do you keep obsessing about her? Why are you so dependant on someone who doesn't love you, isn't part of your life and treats you as being beneath consideration?
Whatever the answer, you need to use that answer as fuel to write that list. And i know that's how it works because I've been there. When someone you love hurts you so badly, sometimes it's easier to just keep loving and apologising for them rather than letting the pain express in natural healthy anger. You can't have love without hate, because those two emotions come together. That hate is there, and if you let it out, it means dealing with and processing really painful experiences and harsh realities that you really don't want to deal with, and what you may find as a result. What if you find out if you let this go, you'll never love again? What if you'll never be this happy again? What if you're unlovable?
Take it from me, this is not how it works. You write your list, and let out all of that pain, and keep letting it out until you've thought about that entire ordeal back to front, to the point you understand exactly what happened; from exactly what you did right and should continue to do in future for your own good, from exactly what you did wrong that you'll want to avoid repeating in future for your own good.
Once you get it, you will still be in love with her. By this point you'll tell yourself you hate her, but again; two sides of the same coin. Those feelings run deep. But here's the good news; once you do understand why all of that went wrong, you'll then be ready to move on with your life and date other women. By then you might learn it's not a wise idea to fall for someone so early, but rather just enjoy your time with a close friend. You might also learn to only pursue women that pursue you, and/or actually want you to.
Whatever you learn, once you've found someone else that you actually really enjoy being with, you will think of this obsession less and less. And one day, you might find you actually start to mutually develop feelings for this person you mutually really enjoy spending time with. One day you will fall in love again, and if you've learnt from your mistake, it won't be unrequited. Not long after, you will remember this former obsession that was all you could ever think about that drained the tears from you eyes, and you will be amused by your lack of care. You'll look through your photos, take a trip down memory lane, and laugh to yourself how this person who used to be a Goddess in your mind, that meant that world and everything in it to you, is now in your eyes little more than a stranger you once knew.
I went back to read your opinion buddy and it's so great! I'm 26 by the way. Lacking the answers is what's causing me to overthink. She said she "appreciates" the friendship, but she went on acting the way she did. Most recently, I've been feeling a lot of anger towards her and it made me upset that I didn't say everything that I feel should have been said. I'm honestly really angry at her... Like how can someone be so cruel as to leave a friend for so long who cared for you without even asking how he's been doing? I tried crying because I needed to let it out man... 😭
Well of course she appreciates it, like one appreciates a toilet. What "let's just be friends" means, is "you're not good enough for me, but I still like what I get from you anyway, and I like the ego boost knowing you're round my finger, so let's just keep it how it is". It's the same reason why they say you can only put yourself in the friendzone, because to be in such a position is to make the choice of having a one sided relationship with someone.
It's only natural there's a lot of anger there, you still have feelings for her. It's not that you don't have the answer to that question repeating in your head like a skipping record player ("why did she treat me this way?"), it's just that you're not ready to accept the answer. My advice would be to send her a letter letting out all of it, of what she did was wrong and how she hurt you. But not for her, mostly for yourself that you have the ability to stand up for yourself. Just be warned though, you will likely get the same answer you don't want to get (confirmation she doesn't care), and it might be for your own good.
No man, the last time I tried was almost a year ago and I told myself I'm never gonna message her again. I can't just go out of the blue and send her another message. The last time, she took forever to reply with excuses and she wasn't like that at all. It will make me look even weaker than it already did. In the last time though I made it clear that I was upset by what she did, but I never mentioned the Instagram thing. I didn't mention everything. Though I must admit, I wish that there was reason for me to let it out. I've already gotten my confirmation when she just doesn't care that I am upset with her.
Take the hint bro. Start trying to date and go out with other women. You are still young. So try to engage in life. Try to travel if you can. Try to make some friends and have some adventures.
You are still going to feel pain at odd times. But I guarantee that being inactive and dwelling on it will only make you feel worse. If you get out and try to engage life, the pain will eventually lessen.
Good luck! I have been through the same thing when I was younger. I wish I could have consoled myself back then. I wish I could go back in time and put myself back on my feet sooner.
This is the hard part about crushes, especially very intense ones. I know it's hard to believe right now, but there's a pretty good possibly that a few years or so into the future, you'll be glad it didn't work out. Trust me, you'll be able to find someone else. I truly believe that what's meant to be will happen, and if it isn't meant to be, there's a reason for it, even if we don't know that reason.
The really hard part is getting her out of your head. I think the best you can do is to try to stay busy and occupy your mind with other things, try to focus on your career, family, spending time with friends, a hobby, etc. You can also try re-programming your brain to think about something else every time she comes up in your head, though this is extremely hard and requires a lot of will power and self discipline. For example, if you have an interest, immediately change your thought to that when she pops up in your head.
Other than that, it might just take some more time. Everyone is different as far as how long it takes to get over someone.
You can also try focusing on meeting new people. I did this when I had a pretty crushing falling out with a good friend (and it actually felt like heartbreak), and meeting new people and going and doing stuff with some of my new friends really helped. Honestly, I ended up meeting better quality people than the person I was so upset about losing. Maybe that will happen for you as well!
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Thank you, I do try to distract myself but the problem is that it sometimes doesn't last and I'll go back to thinking of her. So distractions feel temporary. Sometimes though I just don't think of her and I don't care about it, I don't know how it happens, if I did, I would try to see what triggered that not caring attitude, but other times she's all I think about. I can say this though, thinking of her isn't as intense as it was before.
I think it does usually go back and forth like that, from not thinking about someone and not caring that much, to the really intense thoughts. Since it's not as intense as it was, I think you're on your way to moving on, it will just take some more time. In the meantime, just try as best as you can to distract yourself and if you catch yourself going back to thinking about her, immediately try to think about something else!
Yeah, I just don't know how unfair life is you know? Like you find someone you thought is perfect and you get to watch as they slip right out of your life... :( And it's even worse when you don't know why.
I don't know the whole story. Generally I'd have suggested you telling her "I like you" but looks like you have. Please correct me if I'm wrong. If you have told her "I like you" and then she replied with something like "let's stay friends", then yeah it's time to let her go. Not easy at all, but keeping active and occupied helps.
Regarding her Instagram account is she still active on it? I ask, because I've had people "delete" me but not on purpose. They decided to deactivate their accounts and some created new ones.
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I did tell her I like her yeah and she wanted to stay friends. She didn't even act like a friend though and it seemed like she wanted to end things after a while of being friends. I'm still not sure why. Yep, she's definitely active there, I just think she wanted to cut me off from there for whatever reason.
To be honest, the hardest part is that I don't know why. Like I never thought this would happen at all, like at least as friends. I think this is one of the main reasons why it's harder for me to move on. The only explanation I could come up with as to why she decided to delete me is because she doesn't want to hear about me anymore. And I'll have to deal with that. It's been a long time and sometimes I don't remember her, other times she's on my mind a lot and I get sad. I hope I'd find someone else way better than her... 😢
One year that's nothing man I've been torturing myself for 5 and a half years over this one girl and I noticed in one of your replies you said you like her voice. Well that's a sign that you're madly in love when the voice factors into it there's no turning back.
What worked for me to gradually reduce the girp she had over me is to force myself into situations with other girls put some "history" between me and her.
Try dating again if you can't find a girl right away resort to tinder and apps like it I know people say they're for hookups only but maybe that's exactly what you need right now. The more you fill your head with other girls the less space she will occupy and who knows maybe after you gain experience and meet her again she'll reconsider turning you down so if nothing else you'll get practice
You have a lot of great advice here. Not much more I can say except that if you don't get a handle on this now, 10, 20,30yrs will go by and you will feel exactly the same. You have to change your neuro networks. Works like a muscle. This idea of her is burned in your brain. You need new habits, new ways of thinking to change your mind, literally. A professional can help with that. You're stuck and need help. No shame in that.
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What's weird is that I don't feel like this all the time. Sometimes I just don't care, other times it's the opposite I just keep overthinking...
I have bad news for you, sometimes this happens, and it is a very rough road forward. I have been dealing with an unrequited love for the same girl for 6 years. Sometimes you meet your soulmate and it does not work out. When that happens you cannot hope to replace them with another girl, so being a bachelor is your best bet. Move to a different state, get rid of social media, and focus on building your own life in other hobbies.
Abandon all hope if getting with her, cut her off and dive into exercise. Run every day or lift weights every day, it doesn't matter. Use the negative energy and fuel and don't quit. You'll be right as rain in a couple of months, trust me. The harder you go the better you'll feel.
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I think the hardest is getting started... Whenever she gets into my thoughts, I just feel terrible and it becomes difficult to do things. I'll just keep trying...
This is easy stop engaging the right side of your brain and start engaging the left side of your brain. Do things that envolvecheavy problem solving and math. This will effectively shut down your emotional center and get you into a logical train of thought. Then you can rationalize why this girl rejected you and move on
You're probably OCD. You also will probably not shift until you meet the next one. Sounds like you haven't followed up the OCD (which is common and you cannot help) with "stalker-like" behavior which is NOT ok. This is probably your "attachment style" (look it up).
i completely understand this and have same problem, it feels like u wanna kill urself... when u love someone so much who rejects u and is not attracted to u at all :(
my suggestion is try to replace her and find someone who is very similar, i also thought no girl would be able to replace her, but 1 day i jus decided to let go "fuck it, fuck her" n found someone who is very very similar to her, maybe even better than her... now i dont give a fuck about her or think about her anymore... i let her go
i never thought id be able to find a replacement too, but with 7 billion people in the world, im sure you will someone very very similar to her sooner or later
It seems like there's some really good advice here that I myself can vouch for so lemme give you fix that's oddly specific. Rainbow. Six. Seige. Itll give your life a completely different meaning. Worked for me after my year long relationship ended terribly.
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Haha yeah you're right gaming is a good distraction man
Go to You Tube and google "Susan Winter". She has some videos that can help with obsession.
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People normally suggest cutting contact and that already happened; nothing changed in fact it made me think even more of her cause now I have no clue how she's doing, engaging in hobbies I do but I'm slowly losing interest in a lot things, talking to other people seemed to only momentarily help.
That’s tough but you have to make a choice. Watch her video and she will give you pointers on how to move on. If you don’t, you’re gonna waste your life running an endless loop in your head of “what if”.
I doubt you really know this girl. You’re just emotionally charged. Try backing away and dating other chicks. She may get jealous. You may find someone else.
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She was an acquaintance for a long time and then I got to know her.
Let's talk about this. Why exactly do you like her so much?
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It's a few things. Her personality, her physical appearance, her voice and the fact that we share the same background made her irresistible for me. They were on point for me! :( All I think about is how rare it is for me to find a person like that and I'm kinda picky... I can't believe how unfair life :( :( :(
Because that's what she said. That she sees us as friends. She showed no interest in anything else. I knew she wasn't interested, but I confessed anyway. I'm not afraid to find someone else I'm just concerned that I won't find someone like her again. Especially since I think I'm picky.
Very good, and soon you will regret that you loved her, and thank God that you aren't with her anymore. And when you reach this lvl, come tell me you reached it, I will be waiting for your news.
I feel like I'm getting a sense of that to some degree. I feel like those feelings want to come out... I wish I could cry to let them out or maybe some other way to release them...
I know the cure. Take a warm shower for a quiet good time and let what your heart thinks to go out while you are taking that long warm shower, or you can lay in bed relax and play songs you love (sad songs will be best choice) hear them with ear phones.
For me sad songs often make things worse. I don't know, but when I play them I just think of the past. They bring back any memory that I miss which is not helpful to say the least. Perhaps listening to more cheerful stuff is the way to go.
No. She's fading away from my mind and I'm starting to feel hate towards her. If that anger would transition into anything, it would be forgetting her and regretting I even tried.
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