I moved 1,482 miles away from my girlfriend. Not bc I don't like her but I had to move and the best opportunity I got was in Colorado. We are trying to make it work ( and so far it's working) but I don't know if I should make it work. I mean she lives with her parents AND doesn't want to leave. She got a hand me down car that broken BUT doesn't want to learn drive ever. She has a job that was good BUT is by no means a career.
Everyone in my family is surprised I'm trying to keep this relationship going bc its obvious if she doesn't change her ways she will be like a leech to me when her parents are gone.
Should I drag it out and hope she changes into the woman I know she can be and risk her not changing where she is still being a child or should I drop it now while I'm safe from her asking me to basically become her sugar daddy. (by the way I'm in no way capable of being a sugar daddy, I'm 22 and pay rent)
Updates
+1 y
I talked to her and I think she understood what I was talking about. She said she wants to get better and will try. Now please let this post die.
Should I keep a girlfriend who doesn't try to improve herself in any way?
rievious, I don't know. I'm a bit torn. On one hand, I don't like that so many give up on people so quickly. Finding 'the one' partner in life is like a pipe dream, and while one of the most common questions people ask is, "How do I know if they are the one?", it often feels like not just a question, but an escape hatch. No person is perfect, and as much as we all want the best person we can find, if one is too picky, they'll get to middle age, or older, and be alone, and lonely.
But you are 22, and presumably so is she. You both have your whole lives ahead of you, and there's no need to settle down or may any major commitments right now. She is still young and therefore it is understandable that she has much to learn (and do.) But this whole living at home thing - as you can see - is also a crutch for many people. It's a natural progression in life, to go out on one's own. Will you have enough money? No. No one ever does. Standards of living keep increasing and increasing, yet world happiness is not going up. Millennials buying property want the standards of their parents, and expect even more! They want an upgraded, finished version of their parents' family home they grew up in. Growing up is about sacrifice and toiling, and I fully understand that educational debt is overwhelming and people are trying to do what they think would be good for their future. (You moved for work, so good job.) So I don't know what her circumstances are at all, but seems like she just doesn't have the need, the necessity, foisted upon her, and she doesn't have the character to seek independence. She is not alone. Many, many young people are like this nowadays.
But you are a young adult, and she is definitely lagging behind you. So how patient should you be? Some would decide, or base their decision more weighted on, 'how does she treat me? Is she good to me? Is she a nice, sweet person?' 'Do I trust her?' Surprisingly not everyone can say 'yes' to these. Feminism and equal rights and all that have changed society, and some girls, and some guys (and girls) really prefer the older, traditional gender roles. But again, sounds like that is not you.
Are her limitations in what she has accomplished, or plans to accomplish, based on anxiety and/or insecurity? That's another factor to consider. She could be very, very timid, and that's a flaw, but not exactly a character flaw, per se. That is an uphill battle, but it can be developed. She needs to push herself, and if she doesn't push herself, she will need to be pushed by those who love her.
You might have to start having some more serious talks with her (it's unfortunate you now live apart.) You need to express to her, kindly, that you are very concerned about where she is at with her life, and you fear she will stagnate, if she continues on this trajectory. "What will it take for you to be motivated enough to tackle some of these life skills?" Perhaps you can ask that.
People who don't learn to drive learn to regret it. I have known 3 that come to mind, just off the top of my head. It's not good. I was scared, too, myself. I was pushed by my dad (my parents were divorced - I did not live with him), and I had some mishaps during that learning process, which really freaked me out. But it's not like it can be avoided, just because she is scared. She seems to have issues with facing her fears. And the only way to solve that puzzle is to face them, one by one, bit by bit.
You could be the man to do that. Or, you could very justifiably say that "I just can't. My hands are full as is." Tell her "I need a partner, an equal partner in life. I want that to be you... but honestly, I'm not sure if it is. I need to see some concrete examples of you making effort to learn, and grow. I want us to grow together, but it may be that our time together is now done." Something like that.
This is a really good reply. by the way she is a year older than me and I have talked to her about where she is in life and what she wants to do and what she would do if she didn't have her parents. I let her dive my car in a parking lot to so she can get some skills. I've helped he create a resume she can use to get a good job. I told her what I dreamt my future would be like. As far as I know she hasn't practiced driving since I helped her. She hasn't used her resume to find a better job and honestly I doubt she looked. I've tried to motivate her in multiple ways but nothing seems to help. You're right I do want the right person. Maybe she was the right person for me then but not now. Not unless she gets up and starts becoming an adult. She is hard to let go. I don't want to let her go but I, can't find the words to move forward / can't keep someone who won't try to be more / don't want someone who doesn't try / doesn't see the problem with where they are now / can't belive she's blind to the rut she is in or she does see but does nothing to solve the problem.
It sounds like you are coming to a decision here, throughout this thread. Just keep in mind that we are all internet strangers and be careful about making life choices based on 'mob mentality', or anything like that. Otoh, we have 'no dog in this fight' and are trying to give you decent advice, and not ruin your life or anything. Your story has not included any of the things you do like/love about her. I sometimes wonder if that adds to the reasons why 'the crowd' always leans negative. You realize, no relationship, or person, will ever be perfect. So on just about every q I see here, people lean "kick them to the curb", and I can tell you that that is not just on this site, but in society at large, nowadays. It is too easy for people to be cavalier with others' lives.
But you have described a situation where you feel she could be a burden to you. That tells me that you don't love her more, or as much, as they could be a debt to you. That's not good. But I neglected to say that earlier, because it could speak of you, and your lack of generosity to her, or it could be about her and her tendency towards laziness, and taking advantage. Only you know which.
You could easily justify getting out of this relationship by the practical fact that you left town for work. You could tell her that you think it's time to wrap this up, because of this fact. "LDRs are just so hard..." But, I urge you not to do that. I urge you to be honest with yourself, and with her, and if the reasons you want to break up with her are truly about her lack of ambition, then she needs to hear that. She really does. You can call it 'lifestyle differences' or something, instead of saying that you are more ambitious. Or maybe you have a worse relationship with your parents, and lying on the cushy sofa at their place is not an option. Whatever the reasons, you are doing life differently. I think this is a learning opportunity for her. And don't be so vague as to let her conclude that "guys are just dicks" or "he wanted sex but the LDR got in the way" or something like that. Unless you're trying to paint yourself in a better light here, to us, you do have valid concerns. Be honest. Think about your words, yes, words matter, but ultimately if you speak from the heart, your truth, is won't be wrong.
Hm, I understand better now why you don't think it would work. It seems like you are on a different wavelength than her we it comes to personal-development. And your gut feeling is telling you something's not right for you in this relationship.
Believe me, i know how hard this is, but you have to trust your gut sometimes.
If you don't then you'll just go through more pain than if you do. Don't listen to external voices. Just listen to your intuition.
A solid relationship takes two mature people to make it work. Not 1 and a half. And i dont mean it in any offensive way. But she may have a lot to learn before she can have a mature relationship. And her learning that is not your responsibility.
You want to be with someone who inspires you and who helps you grow. A successful relationship is made of two partners who can help each other be their best selves.
And of course no one is perfect. But trust your intuition and your standards. You still need a good foundation to build anything solid that can withstand the test of time. I assume that's what you want?
I'll be very frank on this one. No, you shouldn't keep her and in fact you should cut off every contact with her. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to improve or change is bad enough; but being in a relationship with someone who just looks to exploit you - like it seems to be the case with her - it's a self-imposed hell. ''Should I drop it now while I'm safe from her asking me to basically become her sugar daddy?'' you are seeing it already. Eventually she'll ask you this.
In my experience I waited with an ex to change and improve for herself, and not just for me. She quit her job, stopped doing anything at all and just expected me to take care of her while she sat on her ass doing nothing all day. Since you are sensing that things will eventually go into that direction, I suggest ending it now, which is rare for me to say because I usually try to find ways to make relationships of g@gers and my IRL friends to work. But making it work here would land you into trouble and make you waste time on someone who doesn't deserve your efforts and care.
She's not legally bound to me. I was gonna drop her the moment she asked to give her as much time as she needed in case she does change but I feel like it could grow into something toxic. I'm imagining her parents suddenly dying and she would have nothing left. No life skills to help her. No car to get her anywhere. She'd ask me for help and then it would break my heart to say no bc I can't support her and myself. Basically sending her to the streets. I'd view it as self deserved for not improving herself but she would view it as her world got burnt down.
That's even more reason to drop her now. Now she still has her parents and a house to live in. You breaking up with her now will be painful for her, but it could also be a wake-up call for her to improve and turn her life for the better. If you wait too much and indeed one or both her parents die and she's got nothing else to turn to, then you breaking up with her will really be catastrophic for her life.
I think you're turning into one of the little voices in my head giving judgement on every choice I make. That's a compliment and it means I value your opinion. Thanks I'll give more thought into what you said.
Have you shared these concerns with her? Like hey babe, Skype is nice, so is facetime, but I'd like you to do adulting my style with responsibility.
Is the possibility of her being completely submissive and moving up to you as a housewife both desirable and on the table.
Break up.
You really only have those three doors, and the longer you drag things out, the harder any of them is to pick. Do you think she's having a difficult time possibly fucking Jody, definitely on mommy and daddy's meal ticket faced with that dilemma? Be the change you want to see.
Sorry to hear that, but if she's not willing to be a partner, and you lack the resources to have a dependent, we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. Try dating women in college, around your age there's a lot of husband/wife shopping going in in those hallowed halls of learning.
Make enough wealth to put a down payment on a house before you get married, pinch every penny you have to, then you won't have much to worry about with how relationships do or don't play out from there. Oh no! I guess I'll have to go back to my paid off house! Things are going well, good thing I have a house already, divorce, good thing I had my house before marriage...
You're thinking through your relationship and the future already, you're ahead of the curve for your age. I wasn't even thinking relationship then, just abusing my poor penis in strange new holes most nights of the week. Take it to the next level and get even a shitty house early on, you're building wealth early too.
First of all just because someone lives with their parents doesn’t mean they’re a “child”. Especially given the pandemic, lots of folks are living at home for multitudes of reasons, and even if it’s not a necessity for her, don’t insult her for staying with her parents. Secondly, if she’s not changing now, and she’s not improving herself or planning to make positive changes soon, she’s never going to.
I should know.
— Someone who lives with their parents and is incapable of change herself, and thinks her own boyfriend should leave her
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
So basically she is another sex toy for you. If you weren't serious about her then you shouldn't have wasted her time in the first place. Maybe she had a job and was doing well until you came. Your fake love has weakened her. Partners are as important as parents but you are behaving like her judgy acquaintance who's critical. Just break up. She deserves better! She shouldn't waste another second of her life if you can't be her rock. You are the leech for demanding a perfect woman. How can she be a leech if she's earning? You don't want a relationship you just want a business partnership, go find a bratty, cunning and competitive woman who will stab your heart.
I don't think staying with one's parents if you are unmarried is a bad thing. In American culture (pretty much exclusively) it is viewed as bad.
My mother has a licence but will never get behind the wheel of a car. She just doesn't have the temperament to drive. Your girlfriend may be the same.
Nothing wrong. You have mentioned two things. Does she not have a job?
There are a lot of men who may like a woman who is more laid back that will depend on them. They like to have more control in the relationship and what you may view as being parasitic behaviour they may welcome since they like to take care of all a woman's needs.
Does she clean? Can she cook well? Is she a good listener? You just mention driving and living at home as these hugely negative qualities.
Maybe her strengths are not what you value in a woman. If so, find a different one.
I think you are being harsh on her. Correct me if I am wrong, but she has a job, doesn't she? That means she doesn't depend on you.
Anyway, if her state bugs you now, it will bug you even more in the future. The wise decision would be to break up with her. You don't love her as she is, it is pointless to expect her to be something she isn't. Plus, I think she should be with someone who loves her.
I am in a similar situation: Mine wants to stay in the city where we grew up in and has no interest in exploring possibilities outside of our hometown. It’s tough but at the same time it’s her choice. Has she expressed any interest in living outside the city and moving to be with you?
She has but at the same time she doesn't want to leave her family. What people on here aren't understanding is I had to move. I could've either been in Colorado or Iowa. My parents are moving to Iowa and my uncle lives in Colorado. I had no choice other than where to go next. However I don't own the house. I rent it. My girlfriend cleans tables and that's the only thing she knows how to do and she doesn't want to do anything else.
I lost my job and so did my mom bc of the pandemic. They were gonna move and I got the option to move to Colorado. I thought it would be a lot of fun bc I love to ski. She has an attachment to her home that I'll never understand. I moved everywhere when I was a kid, not by choice. I never got attached to a place.
This is sounding eerily similar to my situation. Okay so now is an important question: Would you be willing to move back to her home city if you found a better job there? Or do you know of a way you could convince her to open up to new experiences in your city?
I'm not gonna move back. I'm keeping that part to myself too. Just trust me it's better for me if I stay away from Pennsylvania. I bet I could convince her to come here but it will take time for her to make friends... its surprising how hard it is to make friends out here.
the juice ain't worth the squeeze. Drop it. Find someone who is supportive and meet your check list. Or just focus on what you're doing like education or career. If you don't have the resources right now it's definitely not a good time to date. You have a long journey ahead. Good luck
Isn't that the purpose of life, of relationships? To live, learn, grow? One thing you mentioned that isn't that bad, but smart, is staying with your parents until you are financially ready to buy a place. I moved out at 33, and bought a condo with all the money I saved up.
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Why are you bothering to ask? Reading the comments you made to others she sounds like she has no motivation. No drive. Such people get nowhere in life. Unless she has depression there's no excuse that either.
I asked to find the nugget of wisdom to this question I didn't want to face. Everywhere I go I'm getting the same advice to end it. I want everything to work out but it's clear she doesn't want to match my effort
You said yourself friends & family are surprised you are keeping it with her so why ask here? Do you not trust your friends and family? You've done what you can. Others have done what they can. Wish her luck & cut the ties. She will just drag you down.
Judging by your profile picture and personality, you’re not the prize yourself. You look and sound like a weak boy complaining about something so small.
Never expect someone to change. They may, but probably will not. If you won't be content with her to continue as she is, then tell her "Sorry, this isn't working" and find a woman with more ambition.
Do you really see yourself with her for life? As an outsider it feels more of a question of when you move on rather than if. In that case you may aswell rip the band aid and not waste your time.
What I don't get is you hanging on. She must be some fine piece of ass. Oh, and don't be surprised when she finds some Chad Thundercock to do her. You'll see.
I'm really appalled why you are still with her if you are basically putting her down in your post. You sound like you like the idea of a girlfriend. I don't think you actually like her otherwise you wouldn't be having doubts.
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
if you don't like her with all the things she has to offer now, than dont' waste each other's time. and no, she won't chane if she doesn;t feel the need to, same as with everybody
Of course it is. I think maybe you and her need a cool off, send her pics of you working or skiing or having outdoor fun alone, give it about 3 months then tell her to find a job online, move out here and continue your relationship, if she refuses or stalls, tell her you cannot continue on with her in the current capacity without her physical presence, then cut her loose.
I think I'm gonna keep it going. I asked her again and this time she seems like she really will try. Maybe she picked up what I was really asking and she realized I was talking about our relationship. I hope one day she can come over. I don't know if she will stay. I don't know if she can get a job here fast enough to pay for herself to stay.
Being the man you can cover for her for a month so she can get on her feet, if she means that much to you, coming out here cold is scary enough for most women.
Girl's Behavior 
Guy's Behavior 
Flirting 
Dating 
Relationships 
Fashion & Beauty 
Health & Fitness 
Marriage & Weddings 
Shopping & Gifts 
Technology & Internet 
Break Up & Divorce 
Education & Career 
Entertainment & Arts 
Family & Friends 
Food & Beverage 
Hobbies & Leisure 
Other 
Religion & Spirituality 
Society & Politics 
Sports 
Travel 
Trending & News 
