My Girlfriend has double standards and a lack of priorities, Do I stay around?

[RiffRaff]

Hi all,I've been with my partner for about a year and a half now. I'm 31 and she's 25, and generally we have a great relationship and have a lot in common. However sometimes I find myself banging my head against a wall trying to move forward and really establish ourselves.

She is very close to her friends and family which I admire because I'm the same, and I don't have any problem with her spending time with either of them, but there are times when I believe she may need to adjust her priorities.

There have been a few times I have been invited to a family gathering of hers for one reason or another, I've had plans arranged to go to the pub with mates but have changed those because I know how close knit her family are and how much she would like me to be there. I love my friends to death but really I can go to the pub and get drunk or have a bbq any time so I go along with her to her family gathering.

When it comes to me asking her to attend something iportant to do with my family, She will have no hesitiation in telling me she's got other plans with friends and can't come, no matter how big or small those plans are.

there have been a couple of times she has asked me to go to something,where I have told her I didn't particularly wan't to. On those occasions she has become quite upset and angy at the notion that I would be turning an invitiation to a family thing down and I've ended up going because it means something to her.

Just recently she was invited to go away with me and my family for a weekend, I explained to her that I'd love her to be there and that it was important to me and my family, especially my mum who was paying for the whole thing, my girlfriend declined the offer as she already had plans consisting of a bbq and drinks with two other friends of hers she sees either every week or every fortnight, and to catch up with an aunt of hers that is a couple of hours away by car.

When I tried explaining that this hurt me a little, she got angry and made out as though I was trying to control her.

We have agreed previously that communication is the key to a healthy relationship, but whenever I bring up something she doesn't like or agree with, she'l shut down and not speak to me for days until it suits her.

I'm honestly not sure what I should do, do I continue trying to have an adult relationship or do I maybe end it?. I'm feeling as though I'm not a priority in her life and might just be something to keep her entertained when she doesn't have plans.sorry for such a long post!

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for the answers everyone, so I tried to tell her what my feelings were and she hung up the phone, so I had to resort to sending a stupid number of texts messages in an effort to have a converstaion. which ended in her telling me I was sending too many texts, when I tried to explain that I had to do that because she won't have an adult conversation in person or on the phone...she ended our relationship via text and told me it was all my fault for having an "attitude"

[Darkfairie17]

To me, your girlfriend sounds like she is immature. It sounds like she is trying to manipulate the situation whenever you try to talk with her or compromise on something that she wants to do, in favour of what you want to do.

I am a strong believer that relationships require compromise. If she isn't willing to even talk to you about this without ignoring you, then yes I think it's time to call it quits.

Sit her down and discuss with her why this is bothering you. Let her know how it makes you feel as though you are not a priority. You deserve to have her come to your family things too. You always make arrangements and change your plans to accommodate her, so why can't she at least return the favour once in a while?

If you want to get more serious with her, she needs to be feeling the same way. I just don't think that she's as serious as you are about this. In my opinion, if she was serious, she would likely want to spend more time with your family.

[Darkfairie17]

@Update...WOW, you have an attitude for trying to have a conversation about your relationship? Consider yourself better off without her, she sounds really immature, more so than I thought before. Hopefully you can find someone who has the same priorities as you now that you are newly single.

[Anonymous]

I think when she does things like this it's up to you to call her out on it. Tell her how you sacrifice your guy time to spend it with her family so you feel it's only fair that she does the same. If she still thinks that you're controlling then tell her that she's controlling when she does the same. You have to put your foot down more firmly. If it means missing out on her next family gathering to prove your point then so be it. By you giving in to her demands, letting her get her way, it tells her that it's not such a big deal to you afterall. I agree that shutting down is very childish, just as thinking that everyone should have the same opinion as her, but that's when you need to show her that you are upset and her behavior is unacceptable. Shaming her will make her realize that she can be wrong too. You wouldn't let a child throw a tantrum and then get their way would you? That's what this sounds like. Treat her like you would a child when throwing a tantrum.

[Opinion Owner]

Update: I'm so sorry to hear about that! It was completely not fair and I hope you do not blame yourself for anything. Communication is one of the most important part of a relationship and in my opinion you deserve someone who will at least listen to you even if they don't want to change. But this person didn't even give you that, which means she isn't worth your time or love.

[CadenceB]

I saw your ages, and you said you had a lot in common, and I just shook my head.

She sounds like she's not ready for the full-on committed relationship that you obviously want. Either you have to find a way to work with that, or you both need to move on. It sounds harsh, but it's true.

It sounds to me like she's trying to stay free of a relationship, which comes with obligations of time and energy, while keeping you around. It IS a huge double standard, and you shouldn't put up with it. I'm not saying break up with her, not yet, but don't let her dictate the ins and outs of your relationship.

If you're not happy, think on this: every moment you spend trying to get her to prioritize, you might be missing out on a girl who is what you're looking for, and probably not so young, though age isn't everything.

[Kiran04]

Yea, ignoring you for a couple days because she's mad is just wrong. If ANYONE did that to me they'd find they're things packed up and out on the front door step when they got back. That's childish B.S. that four year olds pull, not mature adults. Double standards, lack of priorities, lack of emotional maturity, lack of appreciation. I've dump girls for just one or two of those. You've got a full house. I'd kick her to the curb. BSing your way out of a paid vacation is a huge red flag. I would have dropped her like a bad apple right then and there.

[temptationfalls]

She wants the effort from you and doesn't want to put any in. If she isn't willing to put in effort to be a part of your family, why should you put in effort to be a part of her family?

Talk about it. Sit down like grown adults and have a civil conversation and explain your frustration.

[Anonymous]

I’ve stumbled across this post after going through some old emails. I was living next door to, and very close with, the girlfriend this post was about.

There are always two sides to every story, and there is a lot of false information in the original post. If I was to read this post as it was written, I would have absolutely agreed with every commenter who had given their opinion on the situation as it was presented.

One of the most important pieces of information that was left out of this post is that OP turned up at our block of units one night (months before this post was created) and was incredibly violent towards his girlfriend; to the point that he hit her in the back of the head, punched a hole through the glass panes in her front door, attempted to cut himself with the broken glass in an attempt to make it appear SHE was the violent one, and attempted to light her curtains on fire knowing that she had locked herself inside of her apartment to protect herself from him. The police were called and they placed a DVO against OP. OP violated the DVO within 5 minutes of being released from the drunk tank. This violent incident is what ended their relationship and is also the reason she refused to meet up with him to have the “adult conversation” he kept referring to in his post. The girlfriend this post is about was the third woman to be granted a DVO through the court system because of harassment and violence. She is still dealing with some of the trauma she experienced during this relationship and was diagnosed with C-PTSD because of this relationship.

I know for a fact that he went to only one family event of hers during their relationship, while she spent time with his family at least once per month. The example he gave of her turning down a weekend away with his family because she wanted to see her Aunt was because her Aunt had terminal cancer and OP’s girlfriend was unsure if this would be the last time she would be able to see her Aunt alive. It unfortunately did end up being the last time she saw her as her Aunt passed less than a month later.

He was unemployed for the majority of their relationship while she worked 16 hour days to financially support him, only to come home and be expected to clean up after him and cook his dinner. She gave him free reign of her laptop so that he could apply for jobs while she was at work however he spent the time downloading porn, playing games and snooping through her files. I remember seeing the browser history back when this was all happening. At the time they both smoked a lot of weed, however if he was unable to obtain any, he would become emotionally and verbally abusive towards her. I was witness to this on several occasions. They were never officially living together, but he hated his housemate so she allowed him to stay with her as she feared there would be violence between OP and his housemate if OP was there full-time.

OP was an alcoholic and there were many nights I could hear him verbally abusing her for hours through the thin wall between her unit and mine. OP was actually the one who ended the relationship months before this post was created, and the reason my neighbour had stopped taking his calls or responding to his text messages was because she was literally receiving over a hundred missed calls per day, and upwards of 200 text messages per day. Compromise was not possible in their relationship because whenever SHE said no to something he wanted, he would verbally abuse her, as well as start with the excessive texting. He would call her every name under the sun and then once he’d calmed down he would offer a half hearted apology and expect that his previous words and actions were forgiven because “you made me angry”.

I don’t even know why I am even bothering to write this when it happened so many years ago. I guess I am still pissed off at how much he damaged her by abusing & gaslighting her and everyone else around her.