Girlfriend doesn't seem to make me a priority?

[JediJuza]

so details, we have been going out for a year but we have connected very strongly on an emotional level, both of our family's are broken from divorce and we both want a strong marriage that we know will stand the test of time. I was always told that in a relationship you should be selfless and always giving, and in the outcome of that your partner will do the same and you will both be happy, so i have been as selfless as I could be. It's hard.

Anyway, we had planned a trip to Boston for this Saturday and I was really looking forward to it, then I find out yesterday (thursday) that she planned on attending her mother's counseling session with her and was going out to lunch after. Me, being selfless, said that she should go to that because her relationship with her mother needs to be mended and isn't very strong right now, we can do the Boston thing another time. She said thanks, her relationship with her mom is very important to her and left it at that. she never said sorry that she double booked plans or that our relationship should be priority.

I'm not going to break up with her and am not looking for that kind of advice right now, I'm looking for advice as to how to not hold her words and actions about canceling on me against her.

thanks in advance

[Apope16]

Don't break up with her yet. But at the same time let me be very blunt. You have a right to be assured that your relationship should be a priority. If she isn't ready for that then that is her fault. I think you should talk to her about it. Be a man and approach her and don't let her push you around like you are some kind of puppy at her convenience. Ever since my ex girlfriend, I would say that if a woman I am dating isn't have sex with me at least 3 times a week and going on a date with me at least 1 time a week; then she should be dumped. She should be in love with you and if she is she wouldn't forget plans with you. I think you should have a right to be suspcious fo whether she is telling you the truth about where she is going. You should be worried right now bro. You need to get to the bottom of this and start drawing some lines in the sand. Your love partner is the most important person in your life. To me, they are more important than parents. I mean, when you love someone you are talking about pledging your life with that person and creating a new family for crying out loud. A relationship with a troubled mom to me sounds like bullshit. The man inside you is more important than your parents when you reach adult age. They are the ones who will take care of you when you are dying most likely-not the parents anymore.

[AdamThomas]

It sounds like you're going a little bit too far with the whole "being selfless" thing to the point where, by the sound of it, you've become too much of a pleaser. You've been given some bad advice - that's not how relationships work. While you do have to do what you can to make your partner happy and that does involve compromise in some areas, sometimes you also have to put your foot down, assert yourself and be clear about what you want. Sometimes you have to be good to you too, or else people will walk all over you and take advantage of your kind nature. It's all about balance.

The solution here is very simple, just bring it up in a calm, non-confrontational way and explain to her how you feel. If you're going to be solid, she needs to put you first.

I'm in a similar situation with my girlfriend with the parents. Neither of us are close with our families because of abuse, divorce, shitty childhoods etc. That stuff needs mending, and becuase of that we too want to stay strong, and we definitely don't want our children to suffer as we have. However, this means putting us first. You need to explain this to her.

[JediJuza]

another good view point, I can understand how the whole putting the other person always first can be seen as allowing them to walk all over you, but that is where trust comes in. if you trust your significant other then you know they will put you first in their life and there is balance. I understand exactly where you are coming from though because I used to be in that boat as well.

the only problem I found with making sure your own happiness was met was that I found I would keep score, if I did something for her I would expect her to do something for me down the road, or even worse if she never did anything for me I would never do anything for her in return and at that point it isn't really a relationship. like you said, it's all about balance.

but yes, I am going to talk to her tonight and share with her my feelings about the situation and let her know that I need to be more of a priority in her life.

[jarcher123]

I know it can be hard to understand why your partner didn't put you first but the best way to look at it is this - she clearly appreciates you, never underestimate that - you said that her relationship with her mother isn't great right now and needs mending, and what is great is that you understand that and she knows you understand that. So knowing that you are very understanding and appreciative of her family situation, she probably thought you would understand if she cancelled because of this. She's probably oblivious to how it hurt you - so see it as a positive thought she had (that you are understanding) causing her to do it. However, communication is key in every relationship and there is no harm in explaining how it made you feel to her - maybe just let her know that if she could let you know more in advance if she is going to cancel that would be great, or to try and make plans that aren't the same time as counselling. Hope this helps xo

[JediJuza]

perfect. thank you man. It is essentially what I plan to do. going to talk to her tonight about how it all made me feel but still reassure her that going to the counseling is still more important.

[jarcher123]

No worries! Yeah that is a good idea!

[m_voper]

Just talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you felt left out, hurt, angry, second choice. We don't know her, and we don't know what's going on in her head right now. Be a man.

[holograph]

Gotta be 100% honest man - you are being unreasonable here. Sometimes people forget they already had plans or something might have caused her to only decide to go to the counseling session sort of at the last minute.

People in a relationship should be important to each other but you can't ever expect to be the only person important to someone.

Geez man, she said she'd go another time... And you must see her on other days, right?

She thanked you for your understanding but you also wanted an apology? I don't know, I think her "thanks" basically already implied the apology because she was thanking you for being understanding about something she's doing.

If she starts doing this constantly, that's one thing, but otherwise, let this slide.

[JediJuza]

Ok well one thing you don't know about her is that words and how she chooses her words are very important to her. if she doesn't say she's sorry, she isn't. And the fact that she is forgetting that we had a date planned I feel is pretty irresponsible for a relationship. I would never forget if my girlfriend wanted to plan a night out or something like that.

[slutsdontgetoral]

With me and probably a lot of people if something really bothers me and it keeps occurring I am going to say something. The more often it happens and the longer I bite my lip the greater the inevitable volcanic eruption and the worse it is phrased when it does come up. If it was just a one time thing I would just blow it off. Would however double check in the future when you plan something with her.

[JediJuza]

Yea I can be the same way. this isn't the first time she has canceled on me to go out with friends or something else.

[slutsdontgetoral]

I need the personal satisfaction of knowing I get priority over friend in almost every situation. My SO gets the same in return. You cancelling with me for friends is completely unacceptable.

[Sashimee]

well you really don't need to dump her. she's gonna do that very soon. stop acting like a beta and be the man she needs. you are a person and have every right to be angry when you get double booked. maybe she'll respect you more if you show her you have an opinion too. don't forget yourself or in a few years the psychiatrist is gonna be expensive.

[Browneye57]

Grow a pair. :)

And this is just the beginning. Google this: solipsism

You will never really mean jackshit to her - it will ALWAYS be about HER.

You really need some game, and a better understanding of what women really are and what they are capable of. Go here and read at least the first two years' blogs by Rollo: www.therationalmale.com

[JediJuza]

starting off giving advice by saying grow a pair? fuck off. don't insult me and then think I'm going to listen to anything you say. You obviously don't know how to talk to anyone remotely in touch with their emotional side. good luck with that

[Browneye57]

Oh poor boy. This will not end well - my crystal ball is pretty good with this stuff.
She's already walking all over you and your little emotions, so you can either grow a pair and man-up or be a door mat. I'm guessing you'll opt for the latter.
She'll chew you up and spit you out and you'll be standing there with your thumb up your ass wondering what the hell happened cuz 'you did everything right'. Sure. I get it.
Good luck to you as well, cuz YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT!!!

[JediJuza]

Yea. I'm so listening to your pathetic advice now. lol

[Browneye57]

Just go read Rollo. Then go here: www.illitimablemen.com

Bitches ain't shit. :)

Oh, and it is NOT I that is your enemy. YOU are the one whining about your woman sitch!

[JediJuza]

"bitches ain't shit" that is some great advice there. bye

[skykid1992]

Tell her how you feel about otherwise it may end up coming out later

[Anonymous]

I would sit her down and have an honest heart to heart

[TILLBEANS]

I think she will not respect you if you don't first respect yourself.

[Marinepilot]

Leave her. She's unworthy.

[JediJuza]

I like the feeling of you saying she is unworthy, maybe she is.

[Marinepilot]

I think so.

[JediJuza]

thanks for the advice. But I'm not looking to break up right now.

[Prime_Sol]

didn't read it.
leave her.

[JediJuza]

idiot. read it

[JediJuza]

Why are you on an advice app if you won't even hear the full story. You are just as bad as any other selfish person on here just wanted your opinion to be hear no matter if it actually helps then or not.

I font know why I even write more than two sentences to you, you won't read it anyway

[Prime_Sol]

I didn't need to read past "she doesn't give me priority."
There is no reason for you to be with her.

[JediJuza]

And you didn't even read that right. I said doesn't "seem" she still does many things that make me a priority but in this instance I share in the whole thing it seems like priority isn't a thing.