I'm dating a really busy guy, where should I fit into his list of priorities?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and from the minute I met him I had this feeling he was "the one". He has so many great qualities including being really hard working, responsible, great leadership qualities etc. and everyone seems to like him.

The problem is that he is really, really legitimately busy all the time and while I was OK with his busyness initially, I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. He works most weekends as a paramedic (12 hour shifts) and is also in school full time. Any weekends he's not working he is getting caught up on assignments.

I work a normal 9-5, Monday to Friday job ..so I often find myself sitting at home during the evening or on weekends, waiting for him to text or call to see if he can fit me into his schedule. I will often purposely try not to make plans with other people just in case he's able to find some time to hang out with me which makes me feel so pathetic when he doesn't call. I feel really hurt by it..and then comes guilt because I feel like I'm being selfish, wanting to hang out with him when he is so busy.

I should also mention that we never make plans in advance just in case he has to do schoolwork or gets called in for an extra shift at work. I think the furthest we've ever planned anything in advance was the day before..usually he texts me about an hour before he can hang out. It makes me feel like I'm not much of a priority..plus I feel like maybe I'm being "too available". =(

When we're together he talks about spending the rest of his life with me. He's already talked about marrying me, having kids and a future together. I don't think he's leading me on because he also talks about these things in front of other people, including his own parents.

I totally understand that school needs to be his priority right now and that he needs to work to pay for school..but is it wrong for me to want to be somewhat of a priority as well? Is it OK for me to speak up to him and tell him that he needs to set some time apart for "us" or does that make me sound too needy? I know guys get really focused on goals but does that make them forget their girlfriend has feelings too? He's under a lot of stress right now as you can imagine and I don't want to add to it. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible but it's killing me inside. Help!

[rdr005]

I think I had about 20 approaches to this, but I think I came to one that I feel may be the right one in this case. So here it goes.

You feel strong for him, and he obviously feels it back for you since he's thinking about big stuff in life. I think this is a time where he really needs you the most. Even if you're not there with him physically, I'm sure he thinks about you. The issue, as you have stated is that he is busy working and studying. I'm sure you are a priority, but lets be realistic... you can't earn him a degree. I'm not going to say that you're selfish. In a relationship its only natural to want to be with the person you love more often. And I think you're just at a point where its a test of faith and true commitment. This will take time, but eventually he'll be done with his studies and things can settle down. Its not to say he still won't be busy as a paramedic and such, but I'm sure he'll have much more time for you. If anything, he probably sees it as a blessing that you're so available for him. Also, be happy that he's like this at the moment. Many people don't take these years in life seriously. He realizes he only gets one shot at college for things to go "perfect" without allowing further obstacles get in his way and push him behind a year or two. Many people would rather party and mix their priorities while not achieving their goals. This tells me that he's a very responsible person, and as such, I think in the future he'd be a responsible husband and father. Just be patient.

Have you considered how he feels? Maybe its simply his determination to get through this obstacle in his life (school) that keeps him going through with it, but he may be just as devastated as you are, feeling like crap that he can't give you the attention that he really wants. Think about the times that you do see each other and such... I'd assume that they're great times where both of you treasure the moments, no? I typically say to people, yes, go for it! Speak out your mind and let him know! But if this is the case, this may be one of the few times that I'd discourage it. It would start making second guess the relationship with negativity, it would give him more stress and do the same, and it could lead to a disaster if not handled carefully. If anything, just vent to friends. Leave free time open for him, but also make time for other friends, so that you can still enjoy life and such.

[BluMac81]

The guy sounds like a winner, a paramedic and going to college, if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you gotta be on top of his priority list. A guy like this will provide for you and be there for you when you really need him. Sacrificies have to made in relationships so you have to make your peace with his 'busy-ness' before you commit to anything long-term, or else there's just gonna be hurt in the future. Things are going to change, he'll graduate college, have a steady full-time job, and you waiting will pay off. =)

[vmw2008]

While his reasons for being busy may be legitimate, it doesn't make you feel any better to not be getting from a relationship what most people are getting. There are two things that come to mind: 1) He's too busy for a girlfriend and 2) No matter how busy a guy is, when he's in love, he'll make time. Especially as early as 3 months into the relationship when everything is still new.

I would feel the same way as you in the situation. You and I may be different, but I would need more than that from a boyfriend. I could respect how hard of a worker he is, but I'd think him and I would be better off as friends. I also would not be OK with making plans on such short notice and staying in every night waiting on his phone call. Everyone has their own needs in a relationship, but I wouldn't still be in that relationship if I were you. He needs to wait until he has more time in his schedule to start dating, or he needs to find a girl that's OK seeing him once a week since you clearly aren't.

[Anonymous]

No its not wrong of your self to feel that way and you should talk to him so he understands how you feel and maybe when he's working on his school work you can help him out. And don't feel bad if you make plans with friends to hang out because if you stop hanging out with friends you won't have many to help you out when your feeling down. But just think of what's to wait for you to at the end of the journey once he's done with school and has his degree he will be working normal hours. So just hold in their it's hard when someone is full time student and still working a full time job just don't let the love end communication is key to a succesfull relationship

[Van_Leeuwenhoek]

yes I think you need to give him space. if he spent all his time hanging out with you he wouldn't really accomplish much so just let him be. I'm sure he likes you but certain things for him right now are extremely important and need to get done.

[easygoinginFL]

yea sounds like a winner, ...talk to him and let him know how you feel but let him your understanding and you just want to make the most of the time that you have together. try to set up a weekly time that's your time together as well.

I'm a guy, and I often feel this way about some of the women iv'e dated and it kinda got to me but you have a lot to work with and sounds like a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. find a balance between what you need and what he can give and the same goes for him. communicate and you guys should be fine.

[Anonymous]

only three months and your talking about this stuff, seems like maybe he is scared of commitment this early in a relationship. 3 month in it scares me to think about that because its still a new relationship. I could see a year or more but not 3 months. it sounds like you aren't a big priority because he has school work and maybe you have freaked him out with such deep conversations

[Jager66]

3 months in, medium priority, equal with his buddy time and personal time, below sleep and work time.