How does being "too busy" affect dating or being in a relationship?

[StarsInTheEyes]

I've heard too often that people are "too busy" to be dating, or be in a relationship.

(I'm going to say my definition of "dating," which is when people are going out and getting to know someone who may be a potential partner, but they're not in a relationship.)

A lot of people are busy, and there are people who have full-time job and kids to raise, and they are maintaining their marriages, not just relationships or dating.

What aspect (s) of being busy affect any of these?

I think I can't understand this because I would've been understanding and wouldn't be needy for attention all the time if I were in a relationship with someone.

Therefore, I have not understood how people think they need to be not busy to be dating or be in a relationship? I need to hear different perspectives to understand.

Updates

3 mo

Rephrase: What aspect (s) of dating or relationship does being busy affect? / How does being busy deter dating or relationship?

Updates

3 mo

And I wonder those who are "too busy" to date or be in serious relationships, when would they be "unbusy" if they maintain the same jobs and same lifestyles?

[Rosexøxø]

Oh my gosh it can affect in a lot of ways.

Being too busy is just another word for “unavailability.”

That’s a more appropriate word for this case and it can have lots of negative effects. Why? Because being unavailable can be critically harmful if your partner sees you as a *support system* or *outlet.*

If they experience some type of emergency, and you’re unavailable. That’s bad. If they experience life-changing news, and you’re unavailable. That’s bad. If they experience some type of promotion or accomplishment/ achievement or simply cross an important milestone- and you’re unavailable- that’s baddd lol

If our parents could support us and try to make it to every single event and be there for every milestone or life-threatening moment of our lives, despite work and some of them having multiple kids, their own partner, and families then you should be able to do so, also. Be there for your partner. If being “too busy” becomes more frequent, almost like a new lifestyle, then maybe it’s best to consider putting things on hold or breaking ties because a person who is committed/ obligated to too many people and things, is someone unavailable for dating, maybe even emotionally unavailable.
IF you have an understanding partner or someone DEEPLY in love with you, it’s possible you both can find a way. Instead of being like a news reporter and being there when things happen “Live,” you both can bond together at a set time.. JUST for each other, and communicate meaningful things, important matters, schedules, and what the relationship might look like as time goes on.

[Rosexøxø]

If your partner sees you as their ‘shoulder to cry’ on or ‘listening ear’ and you can’t be there, understandably, then it’s best to be honest with ourselves as to whether we should be involved in a relationship. This works both ways and being in a relationship is a commitment. Your partner expects you to be committed and invested, so if they have this expectation and remain faithful to you while you don’t deliver on your end.. The relationship would be one-sided, and they may be left trying to find alternative outlets. Hobbies can come into play to occupy them. Both can discuss balancing schedules and decide together just how filled they get, and both partners can discuss having multiple (healthy) outlets, like friends and family. Communication is key and healthy coping mechanisms are encouraged. A partner who feels abandoned/neglected/forgotten and may try to find a new outlet and that can be harmful for themselves and the relationship in its entirety.

This is all from shared experience and observation. If you and your partner lack some communication just try talking, taking turns, remaining CALM, and if you struggle to find resolution or possibilities, then consider talking with trusted family or a therapist. :)

[Rosexøxø]

Update: being busy can affect one’s attention span. Mental energy dedicated to a job, formal meetings scheduled by necessity/ obligation, similar can all be very emotionally/mentally taxing/draining. If this consumes a persons physical and mental energy throughout the day, they may not have energy to be hospitable or supportive to their partner when their partner wants to share their day/struggles/plans or date activities/agendas. Even if a person is an extrovert. I think at some point we all would need time to mentally recharge, perform self-care, rest, and self reflect. There’s only so much time in the day. 24 hours exactly so being committed to other things for finance opportunities and family matters. Maybe even friends, can really take up time of what’s left for self and an added partner- someone who would be an equal to ourself.

[Nikki_0508]

I personally just ended a long term relationship because of being "too busy". My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship with flipped timezones. I am a student, I was an honor roll student in primary, middle, and highschool. My grades are dropping because I am too busy trying to maintain my relationship with him and managing people who keep trying to flirt with me for my boyfriend's sake. Because of the daily things I dealt with, my mental health slowly began going down. I was falling back into severe depression. I needed to lighten my schedule. I need to focus on school and my health because right now they are the most important things. It isn't that people are too busy, it is that being too busy causes burn out, and burn out makes everything harder. Relationships honestly do take a lot of work and are not just based on love or affection. There are so many more factors. Sometimes, people simply cannot add the tasks of being in a relationship even though said relationship would be a blessing. My boyfriend treated me very well, we were in a very healthy relationship. But it still was not the right time. I do hope he finds someone who will help him stop hurting... I did specify if we are both single when I graduate from my major, that we could try again. Despite my love and care for him, I do hope he finds the girl for him instead of suffering in pain. I just know I will remain single in college unless I end up back with him somehow.

[Rosexøxø]

@Nikki_0508 Gosh I hope he waits for you

I just have that feeling you were a good couple and you said so yourself

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

Hopefully you both will take this as a reasonable break instead of a permanent goodbye. I hope you two don’t lose ties with each other if you love each other.

I understand balancing schedules and such a thing as school can be a difficult challenge but not impossible. I’m glad you prioritized academics to better your future and pave the way for that future. Anyone could be understanding of this and he should.

Even if not ending up together as a couple, if you both benefited from each other and maybe still did at times spent together, I hope you both can try to be friends. 🤞

I don’t see why you two should burn bridges because of humanly burn out

It’s definitely common and not unusual but certainly not permanent.

Best to you.

^This was a comment I had prepared and my initial reaction^

But my second reaction to re-reading your comment was more ambitious. I really hope you two give each other another chance. ❤️

Second reaction/ response:

if you love him and he loves you, you’re the girl for him!!

If he’s willing, taking a break is definitely an option, as WELL AS sticking it through and remaining in contact, or having some means of connection until this particular hurdle is passed.

[StarsInTheEyes]

@Nikki_0508 I was referring to a guy who works 4 days a week and with no homework. Although he said he did get called when he's off of work (he's an assistant manager) but it's not like he's going to be talking to his staff for 8 hours on the days he's off of work.

But anyway, I just wanted to understand the perspectives of others in this topic, so whatever his definition of "too busy" is.

[StarsInTheEyes]

@Rosexoxo Thank you for your detailed responses.

[Nikki_0508]

It is most likely that he doesn't like them, doesn't want to be in a relationship, or simply has his reasons. Sometimes what you see or what you are told isn't all someone is doing on a day to day basis. Most people have a very vague knowledge of my packed schedule although I do not tell them otherwise.

[wolfcat87]

Ha ha, it depends on how busy their partner is, how needy, and how content their partner is to not spend time with them.

I love busy partners. There were years when I was so busy, and they were so busy, that we all barely saw each other and barely spoke. It worked really well though, because we were all on the same page. When we did see each other we had great fun going on trips and doing things. We would text or call when we got a little time here and there, and everyone was just happy to hear from anyone. Just little things to show we remember and still care.

But, when I was younger and needier I did get really sad sometimes and wait for any sign of them like a forlorn puppy. 😔 So, I can see why it's not for everyone. Some people need their partner around a lot and more attentive. If a person is busy, that can be a real burden and stressor.

So, busy isn't bad unless the person just doesn't want to add romance to their schedule at all. Busy can work in a relationship if both partners are comfortable with it.

[BarryLiverstone]

It affects free time. Often times when we grow up as teenagers and move into adulthood we tend to have lots of free time. You have heard a teenager say “I’m bored” right? Well as an adult responsibilities like a job and kids and a house are all added and it’s more of a rarity to hear a single mom with two jobs complain that she’s bored.


So how that relates to dating is we get used to the idea of being able to go out on a Friday or Saturday night on a date or even with friends as we still have that free time in early adulthood. The pattern sticks that this is the normal time to go on dates. But the “too busy” crew likely are doing things during those times now as I’ve heard even going to bed early on a Friday night can be a welcome relief to a stressed adult.


Was this what you meant by your question?

[StarsInTheEyes]

Yes, that's kind of what I meant, but I still don't understand how being too busy affects being in serious relationships.

A lot of people are busy, but they manage their relationships and jobs, even marriages, so I don't understand how being "too busy" is even a reason to not be in serious relationships, unless some people just don't want to be in serious relationships.

I'm also not needy and won't be a needy girlfriend, so it's not like I'll need texts everyday and I'll even be okay with not going in dates every week, maybe seeing each other at home, but if not every week, I would be okay with every few weeks as long as there's communication, maybe a call once a week and no constant texting is needed.

There's this guy that initiated conversations with me, asked me out on 2 dates then said he thought he was too busy to date. He's in managerial position and said his staff calls him too when he's off from work.

[BarryLiverstone]

Did you go on those two dates? If he said after them that he’s too busy then he’s lying. He’s trying to reject you nicely

[StarsInTheEyes]

He asked me out for a second date the night he texted me after he said he got home from our first date, right away. Yes, I did go on both dates. I didn't hear from him after second date, so I texted him 3 days after the second date if he would like to meet again. He replied after 2 days that he thinks he's too busy to date and it's best if we be friends.

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes then he clearly rejected you

[StarsInTheEyes]

I think that's not very man up to have to use "too busy" as an excuse

[StarsInTheEyes]

Instead of saying that he didn't think we are right for each other

[BarryLiverstone]

Correct he wasn’t honest. So you dodged a bullet and don’t have to think about him anymore

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm taking a break from SERIOUS dating because I'm working on my cardiac recovery after a super surprise major heart attack. It's one thing to go on casual dates and have no real expectation to call every few days or whatever. I'll text when I text. They'll text back when they text back. When I have a couple hours of white space on the calendar I'll see who is free at that time and we'll grab a drink or whatever. Since I haven't asked any of them out, they all asked me out first, it saved all the BS "is she interested/is she not interested?" buildup. I know she is (each of the "she's"), because she came up to me and asked if she could buy me a drink/dinner/coffee. That saves a lot of time from the guy's side of the house.

[StarsInTheEyes]

Thank you for your opinion.

I've texted guys that replied to me after a week from my last texts because they were "busy," and I feel that if I were to be in a relationship, I would be fine if my partner texted me whenever he could, that's why I couldn't understand how being busy would affect being in a relationship, if one partner is patient and understanding.

[BoopBoopBeep]

That's admirable of you, and I applaud your level of self-awareness. For me, because I'd be contributing so infrequently in the relationship, especially when the time comes when I go back to traveling for work, it isn't something that would really provide me any of the benefits a relationship normally does. Someone at my side to share in life's journey. I'm doing my own thing, you're doing yours, we meet up every couple of months? I do that with a lot of women, they're called friends.

[Account]

It means that they can't afford dealing with the bad stuff that come with being in a relationship while their primary focus is elsewhere.

[coachTanthony]

Being too busy is a choice for the most part. If you’re working 80 hours a week because you’re broke then you probably shouldn’t be dating anyway.

[Anonymous]

Sure, I'll explain. At one point in my life, I was the very definition of busy. I had NO DAYS OFF. Imagine, the only time you ever got to "do anything" was between the hours of 9:30pm when you got home from your second job, and 7am, when you woke up and started all over again at your first job. I was mentally and physically exhausted all the time. I would get home and just turn off the lights, because even the lights after constantly working were too much.

How could I possibly devote time to getting to know someone when all I wanted was sleep and I knew I couldn't date them at any regular time of the day or even night or make legit future plans for dates. To me, dating during this period would have been absolutely useless and would have put me in an even a deeper hole with my own mental health trying to then devote and keep up with someone elses wants and needs beyond my own which I could barely attend to in the first place. Not everyone has the luxury to make time for dating and those that don't get it, have never been in my former situation where it was do what I did, or suffer even more than I already was.

[StarsInTheEyes]

I'm referring to someone who works 4 days a week, around 12 hours in 3 days and probably 4-8 hours the remaining one day on alternating Sundays. He's in managerial position and said he gets calls from staff when he's off, but I know he has time off and can take time off, because he's taken time in the past week, but sure if someone had your work schedule then I could understand, but for people who do get time off - or even, people who have time to travel 2 weeks to a month to say that they're busy, I wouldn't be able to understand, although I still respect them anyway. I interpret those situations as having weeks off for oneself, but having no time for others.

And I was just asking for perspectives from others. Right, I don't understand, that's why I asked. I don't think it's necessary to be condescending.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh I didn't see where you explained specifically any extra details on your relationship or you wanting to hear advice on just someone in that specific scenario or similar. You seemed to ask how does being too busy affect dating or being in a relationship and I answered. My bad. I would retract my statement, but you can't delete. Sorry. Have a great day.

[StarsInTheEyes]

In addition, óhow would people who are "too busy" for serious relationships, have time for casual or short-term relationships?

Since those would require time to meet with their casual partners too, but that's what I've seen frequently stated by people who are busy. That's another reason I don't see logic in 🤔

[BoopBoopBeep]

I don't have to call a casual relationship and listen to her complain about Becky from accounting being a shite person for an hour or how her sister said she looks fat/tired/stupid at the family dinner and everybody looked like they may agree or how her niece is failing out of college. I don't have to go over and rehang their door when it sticks or dig their car out of the snow. Many of those casual acquaintances I meet through work or the charity races I do, so it didn't take any time to meet them since I was already there.

[HawkPerception]

I've never understood how people can say that they have no time. There are 24 hours in a day and 168 hours a week. Even if you work 12 hour shifts 7 days a week (which realistically more than 90% of people do not do), sleep 7 hours a day, commute 2 hours a day, and other stuff like cooking 2 hours a day. That's still 161 hours, which means even in that ridiculously packed week, with unrealistically long work hours, you still have 7 hours left in the week.

Anyone telling you they don't have time to date or they're too busy, just doesn't want to spend the time or energy talking with you. Move on from that. They're a waste of energy.
The people that want you in their life will make the time for you.

[StarsInTheEyes]

Thank you! I think your comment is encouraging and positive! 🙂 I would've chosen you as one of the best opinions, but GaG had selected for me since I missed to timeline to do so myself.

[EmyyWolf]

It’s a ridiculous excuse to not see you. People have days off. And even at least an hour after work.

Now that’s MOST PEOPLE. In their MAJORITY. There’s a select few that really don’t have free time. But it’s a select few.

What are the chances that you’re dealing with those select few. Like 5% chance. That person just doesn’t want to see you or get to know you at all. Accept it, Cope with it, and move on.

“ I was with a guy like this. Saying that he’s now a BOSS and opened a business. Always giving me the excuse of busy busy busy. But then he has time to post and edit Instagram stories and tiktoks? And hang out with his friends” Next thing I know he’s admitting to me that he has a girlfriend and is in an open relationship with her, while he was drunk.

Never again will believe the IM BUSY story.

[Screenwriter]

Anyone who says they're too busy to date is using this as an excuse to NOT date. They are effectually saying, "I don't WANT to date."

Unless you're working some outrageous 50 hour week, no one is "too busy." If it's important to you, you WILL make time.

[nastyb]

I think that if someone liked you enough, they would make time for you. Being too busy would be an excuse.

But in my case, I met a guy I really liked but i am just slow on meeting up with him because I'm going through a lot of stress at the moment. I'm not in a cheerful mood most of the time and I don't want to turn him off on the date.

[serious]

Well it is simple if someone is a workaholic of whatever type, then they are obviously very ambitious and driven towards their goals and objectives and so they are not suited for dating or any exclusive relationships.

Hence yes a person can indeed be too busy to date or to be in a relationship. It makes sense

[ProbablyClueless]

"Too busy" is just an excuse people use to avoid admitting that they're scared of the burdens a dating relationship would entail.

Whenever someone tells me about how much they love their freedom, I take a good look at other aspects of their life. Usually, those people are miserable and lack stability. They just don't want to date because of some fear they have within themselves.

[bobalife]

Very insightful & accurate, probablynotclueless at all lolz.

[ProbablyClueless]

@bobalife I'm glad I could exceed expectations! hahaha

[bobalife]

@ProbablyClueless lmao you have excel, what an overachiever!

[Anonymous]

i think dating takes a lot more effort, could be why. always got to text the person, get to know them, remember their likes and dislikes, find a schedule when you can go on a date, if it doesn't work then you have to repeat all of those steps yet again

[StarsInTheEyes]

But I think this guy just did it to himself to repeat all the steps all over again, since he stopped seeing me, he would have to get to know someone else and arrange dates with her, but that's his issues and responsibilities, not mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[12karen]

it's just an excuse, if the person really wants to, they will find time to devote to you if they really care about you

imagining a situation where you can consider yourself busy and the person you like offers you a date, are you going to say no? if you love him/her that much you will always find a way to arrange your plans for the date.

[StarsInTheEyes]

Umm, I can't love someone before going on first date, or after first date, but I understand your point. I interpret it as it's about willingness to give a potential relationship a chance. Thank you for your opinion.

[CallmeTheKnight]

Many people are too focused on other aspects of their personal and professional life to be worried about dating. Many are aware they are not prepared yet.
No such thing as too busy, but there is a responsibility to make the choice for themselves and not anyone else

[Crankor]

You make time for what's important to you. Saying they are too busy is an excuse not a reason

[StarsInTheEyes]

I agree with you.

[bobalife]

It’s not a priority, an excuse, or it’s truly hard to managed. I believe it’s about wanting to make time*
If there’s a will, there’s a way~

[DreamCrescent]

i think being busy is a cop-out. that’s when someone is throwing the relationship away or not wanting to be around their partner/potential date

[Noodle_fan]

it may be excuse

or

for them , it is not the time yet

it is not uncommon to see people who prioritize their job and career over everything

especially in capitalist countries

[StarsInTheEyes]

I don't think that's prioritizing, because a lot of people who are "too busy" for serious relationships have the time for casual or short-term relationships, as evidenced by them saying that they're not looking for anything serious.

I don't understand how they would not be busy for casual or short-term relationships, since both would require time from them as well.

[Noodle_fan]

i think they prefer something casual because it require less effort , since mosf of their energy and times will be focused on job

[StarsInTheEyes]

How about for people who work 4 days a week and 3 days off? I'm not sure if a lot of their time would be on work 🤔

And it's healthcare. It's not one of those work from home profession which people might get job assignments at whenever time on whichever days of the week.

[Noodle_fan]

i see , i guess it is just excuse

[Joshydavid25]

Nobody or most people are ever that busy.. You always have some time to get to know somebody little by little.. So if somebody says they're too busy, it means they don't care to make the time for you more likely than not..

[Vikkrram]

I know only one thing it's all about priorities no one is not too much buisy

[Squatting_Slav]

I agree with you

in my opinion - it's just a way of saying they're not into you, or fearful of getting hurt. Time is always made for people you like

[exitseven]

If something is important enough you will find the time