Is it hard for most abusers to see the wrong in their actions?

[Anonymous]

My now ex boyfriend as of today, after a year of abuse, said to me, the last time I allowed him to be abusive toward me, after choking me almost unconscious, leaving marks on my neck from the strength he had around it and making me nearly black out, after letting go and seeing me cry he told me and I quote “I still feel like I’m improving/have improved compared to months ago. I use to fight you and get violent with you almost everyday, before today I hadn’t touched you in weeks and I also use to punch you or slap you but I controlled myself and didn’t do that this time. You always make me seem like this horrible person in the relationship, as if you do no wrong.” And he said it with a straight face because he truly believed that.

[ChrisMaster69]

Yes you can have abusers who don’t know they are doing it, narcissistic abuse is very much in this category.

you also have those that are very much aware of what they are doing at some level, these are often more physical abusers but will often put excuses as to why it happened, drink, alcohol, stress of work (we failed to meet our monthly sales target so well I’m sorry I punched you).

A lot of the time it’s almost behavioural reward, they hit you less and praise themselves for them improving and equally you for helping them not beat you as much, a lot of psychopaths will use this type of self reward and will talk about how they knew it was wrong and they got better by doing something better (This time I only is key wording they use in this phase).

You made a good choice to leave him, it’s often hard with abusers, especially the narcissistic types as it can be a symbiotic relationship at an emotional level.

I would really really suggest you get some counselling, I hate to say it but what you went through leaves marks on your emotions and mind.

sorry lots of links, however they are worth reading through.

https://www.rosglasrecovery.com/signs-and-symptoms-of-narcissistic-abuse-syndrome/

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse/

https://www.thehealthy.com/mental-health/signs-of-narcissistic-abuse/

https://www.singleparents.org.uk/information/abuse-violence/tips-life-after-violence-abuse

https://www.self.com/story/ptsd-domestic-violence

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk

[Shizunk]

I only murdered three people this week so I guess it could be worse...
There seems to be a lack of agreement that some things are not acceptable at any quantity.
I did actually have to explain to several women that beating their partners severely - even if there are no black eyes, no blood nor any other visible damage - is unacceptable. They were quite suprised to be challenged at all on this subject. They said it is completely fine to use considerable pain to prevent him from saying something he knew in advance she wouldn't like. He was asking for it, apparently.
At work, I had several women gang up on trying to convince me that a man can never once hit a woman while she can hit him and it is his problem to defend himself.
I have no idea what male abusers think. But because it is clearly more socially permissible for women to publicly admit to being violent we get a glimpse of what is going on in their minds. And the point is they literally think there should be some moderation, but what they are doing is not completely wrong per se.

[420Rachel]

Yes absolutely! I had an abusive ex, been separated from him for over 2 years now. He used to physically abuse me and we'd get into fights over literally nothing. And another twisted thing about abusers is that they think YOU are the one who's being abusive TO THEM. My ex would tell me that I'm "emotionally abusing him" like what? You mean that I'm not a big fan of you because you harm me physically? Lmao okay. Of course when I was in it I honestly believed that. I though I WAS the "bad person" in the relationship. I'm so thankful that you got away from him. It could've ended up a lot worse. They just don't understand, they live in a different reality than we do and don't understand how harmful their actions are.

[Still-alive]

Im glad he's out of your life!

[420Rachel]

Trust me, me too! 😂 If any man ever lays his hands on me again I'll straight up knee him in the balls.

[Still-alive]

True but if you wanna lay hands on me tho… just saying lol 😂

[420Rachel]

👀 you like it rough eh?

[Still-alive]

[Aimée__LJ]

There is the abusers that know exactly what they are doing and do it purposefully to gain power and then there are the ones who don't realize. Usually this is about manipulation, unintentional guilt tripping, gaslighting things like that. So yeah you can unintentionally be abusive. This is why good communication in relationships is necessary.
As for physical abuse, the perpetrator knows exactly what they are doing. What your ex said to you is just manipulation, trying to make you feel guilty for complaining because he has gotten better or isn't as bad as he was before. He's trying to make you think better of him when in reality any physical abuse is bad doesn't matter if it use to be worse.

[Interstate]

Yes! In a lot of these cases, the abuser grew up in a aggressive and abusive environment. They witnessed this behavior enough, that mentally they believe this is normal and acceptable behavior. This is very common in relationships where the Husband/Boyfriend is an alcoholic or abuses drugs. And what happened to you, unfortunate to say is FAR FAR too common. Some Women don't even make it out of the Marriage or Relationship ALIVE. He needs DEEP DEEP Therapy and Psychiatric care. There is a good possibility he grew up in an abusive household where he was getting roughed up himself, his Mom or BOTH! But as I had said, he needs Therapy to overcome this behavior.

It is easy for him to say he is improving because he went A DAY without striking you. His actions are normal if he is the product of an abusive history. But what makes him "this horrible person in the relationship", is if he is aware of his behavior, knows its wrong, but continues to act out anyway.

[Fuentes]

Why are you still giving someone who abused you access to your life he is just now claiming to have stopped as of recent but yet you're still seeing him hoping he's changed he WON'T ever change and if you keep going back one day he can kill you. Then it will be your own fault because you kept giving him access to your life and kept seeing him fully knowing what he was capable of doing to you. He really has no issues doing it & your to worried about how come he can't see he's wrong? He's abusive he will never see it's who HE is.

[InspecturGajit]

I would never hit a woman, so it's really hard for me to get into someone's head that would do that. The person that I think of that would hit a woman is a very unintelligent person, almost like a chimpanzee or profoundly mentally handicapped. I'm glad you said ex-boyfriend. So many women stay in these relationships because it's "comfortable" Well comfortable for who? Most likely everyone else but you.

[Not_Average]

He’s struggling… a lot. Of course we don’t ever justify or excuse abuse, but abusers are typically the most broken of them all. He’s most likely not in a mental state to rationally perceive what’s normal and abnormal. It’s a good thing you got out of there.

[InspecturGajit]

Yeah, he's struggling. But what business does he have dragging another person down with his sinking ship?

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I'm sorry you had to face this abuser, I grew up with an abusive father who
would verbally abuse me and I recently saw a picture of him holding me 6 months old and I thought to myself why did he do such a thing to me, Yes it hurt me and he did the same thing to my sister who is age 52, I do hear people ask why my father is such a mean person and I told this guy well he's been like that all of his life, I could never see myself abuse a woman/girl, No way, Shape, Form

[Browneye57]

Evidently he did.
I think you're the fool for staying around for it. Ah well.
So that to me is the bigger question... why does a girl hang in there with an abusive partner? Is she just stupid, or dumb, or lame? Is she pretending that maybe he won't actually kill her?

[Tiptoetamm]

Yes they always justify. I just left abusive relationship, you don't have to stay with him. I felt so much loyalty to him I let it go so many times black eyes I can't explain broken noise I can't explain. They don't get better they get worse

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Listen, abusers are demons and expert manipulators of the weak and vulnerable.

It's only a matter of time before he begins to abuse you again and blame you for it.

Pack your stuff and leave now. Ignore his pleas and his B. S. I love you or I won't do it again comments.

[abcdef-z]

Oh no.. sometimes the abuser gaslights the person, so the person think she is wrong. I believed that abuser has emotional scar so it’s hard for them to see it’s not right to abuse pyshically or mentally. Let go, dear.. you deserve to be treated well

[DonkeyDan]

Probably yes, it seems as if they blame the other person for making them be like they are, it's a justification to themselves for their behaviour, and I suspect they think it's perfectly normal.

[20yearsolder]

A lot of them don't know any better, there's a very good chance they were abused as a child and that is how they are accustomed to living

[DiegoO]

If he changes good for him. You don't have why to be part of his life.

Hun, you only live once. Don't bet your life on him changing for better. You're still young, and even if you were old, you deserve peace.

[Drzen]

The main question why you kept going with him while you have access to so many good guys?

The bad boy stories never ends.

[Subarugirl]

People have a way of justifying their actions, unless they are psychopaths they always will.

[Wester1967]

Get out of there. If you can, make plans to exit asap

[jasco]

Why would they? No one has explain to them that it is and if they have they weren't convincing enough for it. He feels like its the right thing to do.

[EQisKEY]

Yes, because being wrong feels the same as being right, or else it would not exist as a phenomenon in the first place.

[bamesjond0069]

Usually abuse is a two way street. He hit me boo hoo just because i cheated on him its not an excuse.

[bulletbob555]

Well he doesn't see a problem with what he does. Seeing improvement in his actions for not striking you and only choking you says a lot

[Anonymous]

He's still a pathetic psychopathic prick, do the gene pool a favour and pop a.45 in his skull so his very small brain gains a skylight

[noohair]

Any violence is unacceptable, even if your personality is toxic to him. Get out.

[EaterPeter]

I guess

[RamboRock]

Yes.