As in the finding that the best course of action you can take is to live a lifeless life. Tasteless, hopeless, and alone. To just do what's best for your family and surrender yourself to time.
Does it sound like giving up? perhaps it is. But you can't really completely give up. So you continue to live without living. You struggle, you fight, you wake up every morning to work. But you feel nothing. Nothing gives you joy.
The sad part is that you actually know what will give you joy. But logically that cannot be your best course of action. So you burry your dream and hopes deep down where it hurts. And oh boy does it hurt.
For a lot of my life, I had to surrender to the whims of others because of one reason or another, feeling lost adrift the wind's currents as it took me to wherever it so pleased.
I've had to just suck it up and deal with my abusive mother, who would try to torment my mental state every single day. She has screamed at me about how I caused her divorce and that I shouldn't be surprised if she never comes back one day, told me to kms, and then left a bottle of pills next to the door, and that's a mild event on the level of abuse I've had to suffer from her, along with the neglect of my siblings that I also had to take care of.
I felt like I was trapped in that situation, with no avenues out. I couldn't take any legal routes as she used to work in the court systems, and the court during the divorce placed myself with her. I couldn't run away as I knew I wouldn't be able to survive. I couldn't emancipate, because a 14 year old couldn't take on the world. I couldn't find a job or even get a bank account to cash in checks if I did get a job because I don't know my social security number.
It only ended because her boyfriend went too far and threw me through a closet door, for the police or CPS to finally intervene instead of twiddling their thumbs. Ever since, I've been able to stay away from her for one legal reason or another.
However, now I have a much more different problem. My dad is a QAnon supporter and also is basically going crazy. He's trying to get my U. S. Citizenship revoked, is refusing to get the Covid vaccine and is refusing to let me get the vaccine even though he literally went to the ICU because of it and is still on a breathing support machine because of it, I have to take care of his ass every single day washing his clothes, making his food, taking care of his kids, going grocery shopping, cooking for him, making sure he takes his medication, and also having to wake up at fucking 3 in the morning sometimes because his breathing machine malfunctioned and I have to manually reset it so he doesn't die of suffocation.
My grades and mental state have taken a swan dive since then, all just because of his inability to follow basic pandemic protocol. I'm stuck in this endless loop of just taking care of him while I watch my social life, grades, and mental state, everything I built up again after escaping my mother, all just fall back to nothing again. I hate it.
And there's so much more than this, like blackmail friendships, or emotionally unstable ones I can't leave or else they'll self destruct, or even things with my own trauma that I developed and am now having to try and reverse while my dad just takes away my therapy because I'm not as subservient as he'd like to him. Sometimes I even feel like I'm trapped because of my moral code; most of this wouldn't be a problem if I just didn't care about other people as much as I do.
I feel like I'm being tossed around by the whims of fate for it's amusement, yet somehow I still find the strength to get up in the damn morning. I don't know how, or why, but I do.
But to answer your question, I have felt trapped before.
I can't believe that you are just 17 and that well articulate. I am sorry for your suffering. Abd I can't write much about my story here. But I can tell you that there are many similarities. But I will say this. I am now 32 and the only reason that my life is better today is that I took care of my future too. Yes it made the abuse worsen and life very difficult. But I couldn't be prouder now at myself looking backwards. I have similar moral code as you to keep me stuck taking care or others. But when I was 17 I promised myself that I'm going to break the cycle of abuse and poverty. And I did. Despite them. We can message more in private if you wish. But if you don't just please take one thing from my response here. It can either get much better or much worse from here. Make it better by taking the difficult right choices for you too. Keep your chin high young man you are worthy of love, you are worthy of compassion, and you're worthy of hope 🌹❤️
@Price511 I'm sorry, man. I remember you from our previous chats. I've always had a great deal of respect for you. Please know that there is someone out there who is on your side. You have my support!
It's the reason why I can be a drifter at times. Because when I start feeling trapped I become painfully aware of exits. Be it the exit of the building I'm in or the highway exit that will take me out of the state or city I'm in. Every time it hit that feeling trapped at some point I do the same thing. Get a 2nd fulltime jobs to stash money away, put what I can't sell in a storage unite and hit the road. The reason my life isn't that same cycle constantly playing out is things like family commitments. In several ways my family commitments are coming to a end. Because my mother is the only family member I have any real commitment to that is still alive. When she goes I'm going to probably going to drift from place to place.
Nicely written. And sad. And often true. Yes, I understand. This sense of hopelessness is very debilitating. You try to resign yourself, instead, to accept the circumstances of your situation, or that life has assigned you, or that you are practically stuck with; but acceptance can only bring you so far.
I don't do what's best for friends or family because I don't have any. I've tried to kill myself multiple times but failed each time even though I followed through each time. The next time I give up on life will be my 1 success in life. Only reason I gave up trying to kill myself is because it seemed like life was going to let me at those times and it wanted to keep me suffering and struggling but I think next September I will be able to let myself die if I don't kill myself. I did make a vow to myself that I would try my hardest until next September to get somewhere in life and have a career that I could enjoy but miracles never happen to someone like me. Even though I am trapped in this flavorless, joyless, struggle of life I did vow to myself to try my hardest until my 35th and that is what I'll do until then.
Also I don't know what brings me joy otherwise I'd be doing it.
It's inspiring that you're still putting the effort. Have you tried taking anti depressants? or seek medical help? sometimes the solution is in taking a break not in working harder. Yet still you'd only know what works best for you.
I gave myself to 35 to try and run away from where I live.
When it comes to joy you can't know what brings it until you try many things and see how it feels. Have you tried visiting Europe? Tried sports, gym, or hiking?
I don't take meds I do see a therapist and have told her I refuse to take meds. Travel was something I did want to do but I can't afford to do so and work at getting a career I can enjoy. I have to focus on a career because I don't know what kinds of careers I'm able to do because I'm not good at anything but manual labour but I don't want to do that anymore, it's already wrecked my body over the last 2 decades. I've tried many things to see what brings me joy and there is nothing.
Wow you remind me so much of this guy I once briefly knew and always wonder how he is now. I don't have the courage to check up on him.
I'm sorry life sucks and I don't have a magical pill to fix it. I can only have hope that it will get better for you.
Listen sometimes you can't pursue career and joy at the same time. Actually it rarely ever happens. But career can be strong distraction from pain. Plus careers don't happen in two years. So having that time frame itself is setting yourself to failure. Stay strong 🌹
I get that but it's been my entire adult life trying but only the last 6 years trying my hardest to find something I can do, I've taken many courses but I don't have a brain that learns well, an I don't want to waste anymore money. 6years is also how long it's been since I made that vow to myself, I just don't want to keep trying and trying and suffering into old age and still being a failure on my death bed, that's why I made that vow.
Story of my life. Been there, done that. I have detached myself from my "family" entirely. I went and got professional medical help, signed up for professional psychotherapy and financed everything myself. Now I'm daily running on anti-depressants. With those magic pills life is not so grim anymore and I'm not losing desires anymore. Plus I live alone and I eat whatever I want.
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Would you believe me if I told you, that literal strangers have been kinder to me? 🤔
Yeah, totally. The whole 'baby boomers own housing and milk the rest for money to live comfortably without working' is a big trap. As are many others. Would drive me crazy if I wasn't aware of how bogus it all is (and how prone to crashing). Fortunes change, very hard to believe when feeling stuck, but they do. Do the things you can, make _some_ progress in some field of your life, and keep at it. And exercise and keep your hygiene high/fix any health issues. The rest will come.
I did feel like that a long time ago. I trained for a second career and fixed some of the things that were bad in my life. I did not have a perfect life but it was better. Just the act of fighting back made me feel better.
"I can't message you, either. Lol. You're not following me. I can only message people who follow me."
It's not your account settings, Jamie, or the way it works for all. It's her account settings. She must have it set so that "only people I follow can message me."
You didn't do anything wrong you need to take care of yourself so that you're strong enough to fight for your daughter or she can chose to come to you when she's older
Trapped yes, usually I'm just sitting there waiting for some brilliancy, insight, to hit me. Sometimes it does. Life is about those few very good ideas.
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