Is it possible for women to be the abuser in a relationship?

[Charliefretz329]

Why or why not?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

What resources are available to a man living with an abusive spouse?

[JennyDunne2]

The resources open to women are hypothetically open to men also. I'm from the uk so I'm assuming that details will be different so I'll put off adding things like numbers etc, but police should help and also several shelters that help men and women, or are male pacific do exist, although not nearly as many as there should be.
There is nothing about particular about domestic abuse which excludes women from being persecutors, and even if its less publicly seen as such, abuse towards men is at least equally as common.
The letter of the law should recognise this, however obviously people themselves might not. I would recommend collecting reseats/ evidence of abuse (e. g. photos of bruises/ recordings of arguments) it'll depend on the nature of the abuse, but some evidence well help a lot in both getting help from outside sources and to get the law to intervene. This is also true of female abuse victims, however there is a horrible double standard were women, even very young, are taught to record any sign of abuse for this reason, where men are taught that its an exploitation of trust with the abuser. This of corse makes it harder for the victims to get help as the law is prevented from intervening even when signs are obvious, which both locks men from escaping their abuser and propitiates the myth that only women are victims of abuse.

[MCheetah]

The law does NOT recognize male abuse. In fact, speaking of the UK, one of the only programs meant to help male abuse victims is SurvivorsUK. They're literally the only one. I'm not sure the US has any.

https://www.survivorsuk.org

[This_Is_My_Opinion8]

Didn't you said in a question that a guy should be expecting his partner to hit him in the groin eventually? And you want to talk about abuse?

[JennyDunne2]

@This_Is_My_Opinion8
I realise that stuff like that might be confusing as I don't always lampshade well but that is always teasing some kind of bdsm or different kink. This is why its important for me particularly to understand what abuse is as it can be very easy to be teetering around the lines, especially as I hold way more power over a male partner than would be the equivalent if the genders where flipped.
Firstly he would be much less likely to be believed if I went too far. Secondly, I know a lot of submissive men can end up in trapped in relationships as they don't believe that the needs that are met will ever be met else where as dominant women are seen as a novelty. As the dominate partner I know this makes it much easier for me to 'push' consent.

I don't remember which comment you mean, I do try not to say stuff like that unless I think OC will get it and I'll defiantly make jokes with my partner about causing serious harm, but to be clear outside of any games or jokes, with stuff like that consent is really important. Communication matters. Safe words are important. Setting rules and bounders is a must.
This is important for any relationship but if your have any elements of bdsm or consensual harm in a relationship it matters a lot more

[JennyDunne2]

@MCheetah
There are major gaps when it comes to protecting/ helping male victims but the laws (pacifically surrounding grievously bodily harm, which now also include phycological harm) does't specify gender. Things like police intervention, constraining orders, or jail time for abusers, is meant to protect men as much as women. I'm not going to pretend that works as well as it does on paper, but its how its meant to work.

As far as I aware there are no state funded resources for abuse victims in the UK, services like Victim Support and SurvivorsUK are all charities. Obviously saying that doesn't mean there isn't a lack of resources for men, I just want to make the distinction that what the law says doesn't necessarily translate into what programs are available.

That said, you are right in a lot of ways. One of the big issues I have with marriage is that the 2003 change to make rape in marriage illegal does specify women, and as a result men loose the ability to give consent after becoming married. Even past this, laws that don't specify gender are still clearly designed to protect women from men, not the other way around.
Hopefully (like how grievously bodily harm has grown to include phycological harm) as more people talk about this the law will change and start protecting men better.
At the moment tho there are still massive problems, but there are some resources out there

[This_Is_My_Opinion8]

So when you spoke about it you were referring to consensual sexual play?

[JennyDunne2]

@This_Is_My_Opinion8 I don't know the exact comment you mean, and although any boyfriend I have should probably expect to be kicked in the balls, I'm not likely to date anyone that doesn't share the same fetishes. I might have said it as a joke or to wind someone up something, but real life it would something that would be well discussed before the relationship starts.
Same goes for any kind of body humiliation

[This_Is_My_Opinion8]

"but real life it would something that would be well discussed before the relationship starts."
As long as this is the case then is not abuse.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I’m so glad that there is no one who voted “no”.
Abusers can be anyone..
Some resources:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm



https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/



https://ncadv.org/resources

[Charliefretz329]

Thank you for these guides

[DonkeyDan]

Yes, abuse isn't always physical from a woman but quite often psychological. Best first place would be to talk about your problems with someone not connected with either of you. One of the reasons it's helpful to talk to strangers about problems is you can be totally honest without fear of judgement. I know some counsellors aren't for everyone but finding the right counsellor that you feel comfortable with is a process. It's often difficult to get out of some situations, and as a man you feel like you should be tough enough to brave it out, but we are people with feelings just like the next person, and you have to take care of your mental well-being.

[exitseven]

I dated somebody who abused me. She used to get drunk and say the worst things to me. A few times she hit me and once she bit me so hard I still have the scar. She was abused as a kid and I think she was bi polar. I would just hold onto her until she calmed down.

[Charliefretz329]

Basically every woman I’ve ever dated or married has been abusive. And my mother was abusive. I’ve been hit and screamed at and threatened and blackmailed. I’m a currently unable to leave due to financial reasons and most importantly my children. I feel like it’s mental illness but currently I’m at a loss at how to handle it. I’m literally only committed to my children at this point.

I had a former ex beat me into a serious concussion. The police laughed at me when they arrived to find the damage to my house and to me. It’s a real shit show for men.

[exitseven]

holy crap.

[Charliefretz329]

I don’t know why or how I end up in the same situations over and over again.

[exitseven]

This girl I dated was a bartender and had a lot of problems. She was the polar opposite of most of the girls I ever dated and maybe that was the point. Maybe I thought I was going to be able to straighten her out.

[Charliefretz329]

I think some of us guys like to “help” we see a need and insert ourselves and develop feelings for troubled people. It’s really our own fault when the unstable people stab us in the back

[Charliefretz329]

Old Indian: Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, b*tch, you knew I was a snake."

[exitseven]

see, we just figured out what would have cost you a fortune to see a shrink about. You are very welcome.

[Charliefretz329]

SMH 🤦‍♂️

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO

[MCheetah]

The majority of domestic abusers are women. Something like 52-55% (I'm not going to spend 15 minutes finding the links on mobile; you can Google the data yourself). It's just no one cares when a woman abuses a man because "the woman can't do any real damage to him." Men abusing women are the large minority, but gets more attention because society cares more about women and because the man might hurt her.

I honestly don't know what to tell you other than to leave her ass. The police won't do jack to help you because of sexist-ass The Duluth Model (the automatically assume the male is the aggressor and will arrest him).

[douride2]

It is possible & it does happen. I worked with a guy whos wife abused him. Then she called the cops & said he was the abuser. I don't know how many nights he spent in jail because of that bitch. Sadly there are no recourses around here for abused men.

[Charliefretz329]

It’s an act of God to get help

[TrueConfection]

I have seen it twice. Once was a co-worker whose wife was belittling and angry. He looked like a frightened little boy when she was around. The second was even worse. The husband was a former drill sergeant. His wife would scream and call him names and fly around the room. She was completely unhinged.

I don't know what resources there are, but I would recommend a confidential appointment with a marital counselor for you.

[CelineBV]

Abuse comes in all forms; sex, shapes, size, etc so the answer to your question is a yes. A man that finds himself in an abusive relationship should do exactly the same thing a woman does; run ASAP and if assaulted file charges and a restraining order against her.

[Seangreen]

Totally because not all abuse is physical. Date somebody with a cluster B personality disorder and on top of that don't know what that is when it's happening. I'd rather have got my ass whooped because it would have stopped hurting a lot quicker

[Charliefretz329]

😢 yeah

[Wraith_Cemetery]

Absolutely. My younger brother was abused by his girlfriend and people just laughed at him for it. The populace doesn't take it seriously and there is no help to be found.

Women can also abuse by lying and getting everyone on their side, ruining the man's life in the process, which is worse than physical abuse.

[dustybiker]

Yes. Either gender.
I would hope the person would check their local resources for domestic violence help. Men aren’t alone either.

For more help finding resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

[ShaTTeredMasterpeace]

It absolutely is possible. Women are capable of abuse just like men are. Verbal abuse is a very real thing and women can also be physically abusive as well.

[LogicalGal123]

An abuser is an abuser or any shapeless or form. No excuses.

[LinaDaGoddess]

Yes definitely some women are just downright horrible and vile human beings.

[whirled_up_girl]

Yes, intimate partner violence can happen to both men and women, by a man or woman.

[Avicenna]

Absolutely, and emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse.

[sheikalana]

Of course it is and it's more common than we think people just don't talk about it.

[HazyDaze63]

Not only is it possible, but more men are abused than we know about. Men tend not to admit it or talk about it so they deal with it alone.

[Cubus]

Of course. There are many men who are abused in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Yes.
Statistically women commit 71% of non-reciprocated violence and almost 50% of violence in general.

[bamesjond0069]

At least half the time men hit women its in response to abuse.

[Anonymous]

I know at least three girls are like that, I helped one with a false rape case without knowing the truth.

[FunkyMonkee]

I'd say we have a consensus!

[CuriousMufuxka]

Hopefully only in the bedroom :) Or kitchen ;)

[emperor90]

Any gender can be abusive

[loveslongnails]

Of course. Easy.