Is a 4 year-old engagement with no wedding date also getting string along?

[Anonymous]

If he's giving excuses and you have a feeling you're getting BS, is this also a way of getting string along?
The woman has already been proposed after 1 year of living together (that's the timeframe she established in the beginning) but then he keeps postponing the wedding date, giving out more excuses and no one is suffering any financial issue is this also getting string along?

If it's been nearly 4 years (on April it'll be the 4th year of the engagement) is that too much?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

She made a deal with him before moving in. The agreement that she would only do cohabitation for a year and afterwards it either leads to a proposal or a break-up. But not it seems she's stuck on an eternal engagement. Is this bad too?

[Dragonpurple]

She should do the break up, engagements do not need to be that long. You either should know pretty quick if it will work out or not. I've known people who had 3 month engagements and have been married for 25+ years and then I had a two year one and got divorced after 7 years, length seems to have little to do with success.

Technically I knew after the first six months things would not work out, I just kept ignoring the feeling hoping we could work things out. Should of listened to my instincts back then.

[Asker]

I'm extremely worried and so is my family. My parents aren't the type that meddle but even they are starting not to like him anymore. I'm 27 and should've had a child already. I want kids soon.

Now I'm starting to think he only propose to keep me. He only did it because he felt cornered with my agreement of only living together for a year and then it's either a proposal or a break-up. So that means he would've never proposed if I had not established that timeframe and I would be stuck in this similar position with no kids yet. I actually feel like it's a dead-end to be honest.

[Asker]

I feel like he did an extra step in the stringing along agenda; living with the girl, getting her excited with the proposal but the wedding never taking place. I feel I've been played with.

[Dragonpurple]

I agree, sounds like he is stringing you along. Wasting your time, as a way to keep you for some reason with no intention of moving forward.

At this point, would you even want to get married or has too much damage already happened?

[Asker]

It doesn't make me feel good that he will then likely come up with a sooner date if I were to place an ultimatum. Now it feels that even if we were to get married, I would feel like garbage living with the fact that I had to practically force it out of him, not him doing it on his own account. Nope, I'm not happy at all.

[Dragonpurple]

Ultimatums are always a bad idea, best to cut your losses and leave before my time is invested.

[JasM0]

Hi,


A few things come to mind:
1. Communicating your intention to be a wife is essential. Without it, your free-range dating.
2. A man needs to acknowledge his intention to marry a woman and explain his plan of vetting a potential wife. Yes, this is your time to vet him too.
2a. The plan should include a timeline (no longer than 18 months), financial review of both person’s portfolios and debts ($ is the chief cause of divorce), responsibilities, and family planning (couples counseling and a prenuptial plan are essential)
3. A proposal should come with a ring (one month’s salary (see my earlier response on wedding rings) and an engagement period (no more than six months).


If a man does have a plan, then he doesn’t plan on marrying you unless forced or obligated. I don’t believe anyone wants a partner who’s forced or obligated to marry you. Best of luck!

[PrettyPriya]

To me, that is too long. The more worrying part is the excuses and postponements. Now, that said, it is tough to have gatherings these days, but 4 years is way too long in my opinion.

[Asker]

I'm super worried. I'll be 27 soon and want a child already. He seems to be all relaxed when giving out his lame excuses. Now I'm starting to feel he didn't propose out of love and wanting a family. He only did it to keep me from leaving when I established my timeframe back then. It's like he did a step further than the guys never proposing to their gfs; proposing but the wedding never taking place.

[Asker]

I'm having a bad feeling now. I'm no longer happy. My family is worried for me too.

[PrettyPriya]

I feel just horrible for you. You are 100% justified to feel concerned, as is your family. Perhaps it is time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk, if you haven't done so. I would keep it as positive as possible, but something needs said.

You don't deserve to be strung along like this at all. That is not fair to you and your wanting to start a family. My heart breaks for you. If you ever need advice or someone to vent to... please, please, please don't hesitate to PM me. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Anonymous]

In fairness the last 2 years the world has been a fucking clown fiesta but if there is no energy or sign of commitment and wanting to move forwards from this guy then maybe you should move on.

What happened at the end of the first year?

That was supposed to be the deadline and its pre clown fiesta.

[Asker]

We had a party at the end of the first year and things seemed promising. Then afterwards he kept postponing the date and came up with excuses after excuses.
I don't like the idea of giving ultimatums to get what I want. It feels soooo bad. Even if we get married if I were to place an ultimatum, it's not a good feeling knowing you had to force it out of someone or else they would've never done it on their own.

This what I'm realizing now: I think he didn't want to lose me after one year of living together and that's the only reason he proposed.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I totally agree.

You are talking about making a life commitment to this person, they need to want it.

[jobego]

yea that's long lol
especially if you don't have financial issues
even if you did you can get married for not so much without anyone around just to be married

[Asker]

Now I'm feeling he never proposed out of love and wanting a family. If so we would've already had our first child. Like you stated, I've seen people with much lower income than us getting married and having a family. I see poor people also getting married. The wedding doesn't have to be expensive either nor huge. My family also want to know the wedding date and they're worried for me.

I feel like he only did it because he felt backed into a corner when I laid out my timeframe regarding cohabitation. That would mean he propose to get me all excited with my ring but it was to keep me from leaving. I don't feel good knowing that if I had no given him a timeframe, I would've have even been proposed.

[Adam1978]

Yes that engagement has expired. He has changed his mind and have no intention to fulfill that.

[Asker]

I feel like even if I were to give out a final ultimatum (wedding date now or it's over) and we get married, I wouldn't feel happy. That would be an awful wedding (instead of tears of happiness I would have tears of sadness); knowing that he would just be doing it because I had to force it.

I'm already feeling like he never wanted to even propose in the first place and would have never done so if I had not established my timeframe for living together. I'm no longer happy, knowing the he did it so I wouldn't leave since he knew it would be over if it didn't proceed to engagement in a year.

[Asker]

I didn't want to end up like those girls that live together with their bfs for many years without a marriage proposal and yet I'm stuck in that position now. Besides my ring, I really see no difference. It's not progressing and I'm getting older. I want kids already.

[Adam1978]

You don't need marriage to have kids

[Asker]

But I always wanted marriage and kids. I want kids in a marriage.

[Adam1978]

Well you failed from the start, if you have to force a engagement. You have a doomed relationship. You will have a hard time finding a good man that wants marriage in todays dating world. Besides its the wrong measurement of a successful relationship. Focus on what relationship you have with the guy and if he would be a good provider for a family. Besides my instinct tells me he doesn't seem to want kids either. Since your waiting for marriage with that.

[Asker]

He could've dumped me from the start when he knew one of the main goals was kids and marriage. He didn't have to continue dating me.
He had another chance to dump me. He could've dumped me after I told him my agreement of cohabitation for a year only but he didn't. He didn't have to agree with the boundaries if he didn't want to. He agreed and proposed within a year. He also had the option to find a woman that doesn't want kids and marriage. So I'm not all at fault.

[Adam1978]

You don't get it. If he doesn't marry you or get you pregnant he has got his wishes. So why would he go elsewhere. It's you that didn't secure what you wanted, he got what he wanted. You can only take the blame for that.

[Jamie05rhs]

That's certainly pushing it.