Is it normal to lose feelings for your partner? What can you do to get the feelings back?

[Anonymous]

Long story short my boyfriend who I’ve only been dating for over a year did something that caused me to lose interest in him (he didn’t cheat but he broke my trust). I thought I would be hurt but turns out I just don’t care anymore. I still care about him but not the same way like I used to, now I see him more as a friend that I’m comfortable with even though we’re still very intimate.

I don’t want to break off the relationship even though I’m not really feeling it anymore, I still put in a lot of effort, attention and love to the relationship bc I want to make it work still. Any advice on how to solve this issue other than having to end the relationship?

[Finchie40]

Ask yourself this , Will you be ok if he wasn’t in your life anymore? Will you miss him like crazy if he is gone? would you be ok seeing him with another girl eventually? Those questions you need to ask yourself , if you feel like you would be ok after he is gone then your answer should be to end it with him , if you feel like you would be lost without him then your answer should be to hold on and make it work , But one thing for sure if you have resentments toward him that is something that you will carry with you the rest of your life and something he will carry with him knowing you are upset with him that might make him walk away from you , I had a girl tell me she loves me but the passion is gone she said she doesn’t want to lose me and that there is no one else. But she feels like we are just friends , All that told me to do was move on and find someone that wants o be in my arms and not be a sitting duck for her to make up her mind on what she is going to do , to me it sounds like she is just keeping me around until something better comes along , so I choose not to be a sitting duck

[Asker]

That’s very helpful actually, I realize that I still do want him in my life and not just as a friend. I do love him but there’s just too many uncertainties in this relationship that makes me question if this is all worth it. I know for a fact that he’s also not entirely over his ex which is why I thought that he needed the space to also think about what he wants (he says he wants me but I’m not sure, I can’t tell from his actions towards me)

[Finchie40]

Him not being over his ex his a huge red flag sorry to say , maybe for your sanity you should end the relationship, cuz I hate to break it to you , you will never truly feel love being with someone that holds on to an ex , you are setting yourself up for disaster , Value yourself worth and realize you deserve better than that, you are not a punching bag always remember that , for love to grow it takes 2 people to remove selfishness and sacrifice and respect each other , He can’t fully give you that cuz he still has feelings for his ex , I know it’s not an easy decision but trust me on this one , I been down that road before thinking I could prove to her that I am better than her ex , it was a waste of time

[Asker]

Wow I’m currently in the same situation, my ego is talking - I’m basically staying bc I wanna show him that I’m better than his ex but I guess no matter what I do he’s always gonna compare me to her… I have definitely been considering just ending it but I’m not sure if it’s just me being cowardly

[Finchie40]

You aren’t a coward what so ever , you are just wasting your time sadly to say

[Asker]

I know… thanks for being straight forward with me. Do you have any advice as to how I can bring this up to him? I have no idea how to start the convo for a breakup…

[Finchie40]

Just be honest about your feelings and stand your ground , let him know that you realize you deserve better , He will try to convince you not to leave but don’t listen to his lies. You don’t have to be mean unless he takes no for an answer

[Asker]

Okay I’ll try. Thanks so much for taking the time to share and listen, much appreciated!

[Finchie40]

No problem at all , like I said I dealt with pretty much the same shit so I don’t mind giving advice to someone to save them from the disaster that would unfold , When we like someone a lot we tend to get blinded by the negatives that person holds and we think it’s not a big deal because we can love them the way they need to be loved and we tend to put ourselves last , not really thinking of ourselves and feeling like we can win their hearts and sometimes we can but only to a person that is completely available, but not when their heart still belongs to someone else ( his ex) so when that occurs you are pretty much just a convenience, you are a fill in until they decide what they really want to do , it isn’t fair to you and you are just setting yourself up for disaster,. when someone is fully into you , they won’t give 2 shits about their ex what so ever, a person that holds on to an ex is a complete moron , because if they were such great people , they wouldn’t be an ex period , So you are doing the right thing dropping this guy and realizing you deserve someone that is fully available just for you , the same you can be to them , so by you valuing yourself worth is going to make you a better happier person , cuz look at it this way , how can you be fully happy with someone that constantly gives you question marks? You would never be happy if you have to constantly question someone , your insecurities will constantly arise and you will just end up miserable once you realized you were being used by someone that still holds onto an ex you would never experience true love

[Finchie40]

Shit I dated a girl that had her exes name tatted on her ass , it was the biggest turn off ever , I thought I could eventually get her to get it removed , but I was so so wrong , that tattoo should of been my answer to dump her from day one , even though she bashed her ex to me she still had deep feelings for him to the point I was just convenience to her , that was my learning experience to never give my heart to someone that can’t give their heart to me completely , people that hold on to exes should not be jumping into relationships what so ever , they can date and take things slow but they shouldn’t use people and that’s exactly what this guy is doing to you sorry to say

[Asker]

Wow that actually made me tear up. Sorry you had to go through something similar but I’m glad you managed to get out of it. I finally had a talk with him about this and it just made me even more confused lol

You’re absolutely right tho, I do deserve someone who sees me as their first and only choice, right now I do feel like I’m just second best to his ex. He says he is working on letting go and he wants to take things slow with me bc he’s serious about me, he’s been very consistent with his actions lately showing me that he does care but I’m just too scared to let him back into my heart again :(

[Finchie40]

I can’t make Your decisions for you but from my experiences I know you are setting yourself up for disaster , yes you want to believe and trust him and you like him but how Can you honestly believe someone that can’t let go of an ex? That is your answer right there to let him go All you will be doing is being an option to him and hurting yourself , What he is doing to you is selfish on his part all he is thinking about is himself , if he truly cared about you he wouldn’t be holding on to annex period , he is not ready to move on and give himself completely to you , you will always be an option

[driven159]

You need to talk it out

[Asker]

What exactly do I need to be saying tho? I’m confused about my own feelings

[kyleelyn199723]

This is normal for two people that aren’t meant to be. Yes he broke your trust and I get that, but you chose to take him back and work with the pain you are dealing with. Honestly a year of a relationship, you definitely can’t say that you put a hell of a lot effort in to not what to start over. There’s couples that literally broke it off 20 years later and are trying to break it off. Is being in a relationship with someone you just don’t love anymore worth even more time and effort?

[kyleelyn199723]

And are trying to start over with someone new , I meant to say***

[Asker]

Exactly a year isn’t long enough and I think my ego is pushing me to stick to it bc I don’t wanna give up after only a year lol The thing is I already forgave him for breaking my trust, he apologized for it and looked very remorseful - he’s been nothing but amazing ever since then so I don't know why I’m just drifting away from him it makes me sad seeing him being all loving and I do reciprocate but I feel like I’m lying to myself ugh

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker well you shouldn’t correct a lie with another lie, so if things don’t seem to be working out on your end at this point then you need to do what is best and break up with him. You will be saving yourself a lot of heart break, more wasted time, more lies within the relationship. Are you saying “I love you” to him? That’s completely scary to me if you are considering that you don’t love him. If you are constantly lying about your feelings, in my opinion you are just as bad as he is.

[Asker]

I do love him tho but I’m just not sure if we might be better off as friends. I talked to him about it and he says he wants to continue working on fixing this but I think you’re right, it’s unfair to him that I’m not entirely putting my heart into this relationship… thanks for your advice, much appreciated xx

[CrazyGirl2]

No! I mean the infatuation can wain, but if you love someone that love doesn’t just disappear, it goes somewhere. So where did your love go? School, work, another man? When you finally figure that out, you can follow your love, and either begin the work of rebuilding the relationship, or mourning the death of it, either way!

[Asker]

It’s definitely going towards work, I’ve been making myself busy as to distract myself. I just don’t think I can get over what he did to me anytime soon but I’ll work on rebuilding the relationship, thanks for sharing your input!

[CrazyGirl2]

You are SO welcome!