How do you fall back in love with your partner after falling out of love?

Question

We’ve been together for about 4 years. The past 4-5 months or so things have been stagnant and a bit distant between us. We used to see each other daily, then he said he needed some days to himself in a week so we started seeing each other less. Even the sex doesn’t feel as passionate as it used to. He’s been stressed and depressed and is pulling away, at first I tried my best to keep things normal but it’s hard.

After months of being like this, I started to get tired and began to also distance myself (emotionally). I get that he’s under a lot of stress right now which explains why he might seem distant but I just feel disconnected even when we’re together. I still act affectionate, but I began to somewhat dread seeing him. I don't know what happened to us, I still care about him but we’re drifting apart.

I know I have to talk to him about this, but how do I go about doing this without getting him angry or triggered?

JacobJordan · Accepted Answer

I don't want to come across as presumptuous so I will ask the following.
Have you asked him how his day is and just let him talk?
have you given him a random gift for no other reason than because you care about him?

Have you made him his favorite dessert? or his favorite dinner? (no this isn't because you are a woman I do this for my wife a lot)

just because we are guys doesn't mean we don't feel nor does it mean we don't like little gifts too.
you can definitely talk to him the thing is when you talk to him don't phrase it like you are blaming him remember this is neither of your fault. it is both of you vs the problem.

as an example "Hey baby it feels like there is some more distance between us is there anything I can do to lesson that"
This will show him that you not only care but you want to fix it while also not coming across as the more common phrase "hey babe there is distance between us can you be more romantic sometimes" which comes across as an attack on him for not doing something.

Many times if we are being distant it is because we feel like we are being a burden on you and society constantly tells men that 1 we are a problem and 2 we should not burden others with our problems. you see the quandary that puts most guys in?

if you make an effort to be there as a partner show him how much you care it may jolt him back into the relationship and then you are on the path to love again.

some other things you can do to potentially increase that connection

stroke his hair

hug him

massage

cuddle up with him and watch a movie (fall asleep in his lap for sure)

little gifts

surprise him with a collection of memories of you guys and talk to him about how amazing those were (focus on showing appreciation for the ones he did as well)

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

stop falling in love and choose to love yourself and him. if you go through life thinking it's going to be happy fields of flowers all the time, you need to start farming a field of flowers.

I didn't say that's easy, but this is your person to love, chosen by you at an alter, and you choose to love them through the difficult times. It's not all about your needs.

now the thing is, it is about your needs because we're all needy to have our needs met and feel good, especially a reproductive age female... we all know your needs.

So pray, meditate, do little things that make them feel good and you, massages, days away, time together, dates, walks in the park, etc.. Some people are difficult for they retract away from everyone to feel safe. If you are the source of his pain... and it's possible, then they draw away moreso, until figure out the source of the problem.

I've seen people stick it out with dysfunctional spouses for long time... decades. Both mental and physical issues. It's a tough job. Hopefully he finds his way out of the rut to a better place.

Add to it dysfunctional or challenging children... or just children in general, and you can see why relationships get blown to bits. From this, you can honor the more advanced in age women whom have endured much to hold families together and build healthy children. We salute them (and the men).

Maybe he's just PMSing... Pre-Man Syndrome. joking...

sage2021 · Accepted Answer

As you know men are so different than women in their thinking. They have been brought up by their father to 1) protect her
2) to provide for her
3) and to procreate
I got these things right from this website. I don't know how true it is, but that's what the guys said on here when asked.

I just wanted to say from experience that some men like to mull things over in their own minds. They need to think things out for themselves sometimes. So, let him.
Just go on with your life, and when he is ready, he will (might) come back to in time - when he is ready.

It's scarey for a woman when her man goes sideways on her. She didn't come out of her mother's woumb knowing what to do about every little thing in life. So, give her a lot credit for being concerned about him and them. It's a big deal when you suddenly have to start walking on eggshells around a guy and he won't tell you why you must do that!
I don't have answers to thus. The last time my first husband started acting different towards me, he up and abandoned me and my son.

This last boyfriend got into drugs and they were making him act different. And for the first time, he started yelling at me, then again, and again. He put so many wedges between us, I just said the heck with it. I told him he was not the man I fell in love with and he wasn't. In s ven years he was sweet and kind then he springs into yelling at me. I don't think so! Yelling at someone is emotional abuse.

HollyK21 · Accepted Answer

I spent the better half of a 5 year relationship trying to fix it vs now being in something stable for almost 3 years and I will always tell people to know when to walk away. The talk you two need to have is important, but before that I would be asking myself some serious questions, like what realistic outcome will that conversation have? After being with him for so long, you know how he will react and you believe he may be defensive or confrontational rather than internalizing the problem and working with you to fix it. Why is that the sort of outcome you envision from him as opposed to a positive one? There’s a big difference between the reaction you mentioned and knowing ahead he won’t blow things up but just reluctant because of your own personality.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Why are you worried about getting him angry or triggered?

Jbear27 · Answer

I’ve read a lot of your replies and you’re doing too much while he is doing too little. You saying you’ve put aside your own needs to focus on his is the wrong way to go about it. You need to take care of and address your own needs as a person too, in fact he should make that a priority as well. If he gets mad when you want to talk about things wtf is that? You should never have to tip toe around someone you love. If you’re the one putting in all the effort, is it really worth the effort? After 20 years of marriage and being the one in your situation always trying to please and serve my partner I can tell you it’s not worth it if there is no reciprocation of love and effort. You can’t make up the difference and love someone harder to make them love you back. You’re just teaching them how little effort they have to put in to get maximum effort from you. And they will eventually keep giving less and less. So in closing respect yourself first and make sure you’re addressing all your own needs or you run the risk of becoming codependent on your partner for happiness and that’s never a good situation.

Anonymous · Answer

hm, yeah, you can't. especially if you are putting in effort and he's not. it's basically over. this doesn't sound like a relationship anymore.

also, the fact that you want to communicate with him but are afraid of him getting angry/triggered is very telling. do you seriously want to be with someone like that? that when you have a problem that you want to fix, that they just lash out at you? no. this is not a healthy relationship. it's unfortunate, but it does happen. it's best to move on so you can be happy one day in a better relationship where you don't have to beg to see him or can't communicate issues you are feeling.

Anonymous · Answer

Could be that your just past the honeymoon phase, if you want to go looking for problems to address your 'feelings' externally he's unlikely to understand because he's a man.

Men are wired and trained to focus upon tangible problems to be solved not intangible, undefinable 'feelings' which ultimately amount to nothing.

You ask a guy about your 'feelings' and a lot of guys are going to be hard pressed to understand how to do anything about it. This can lead to a hostile reaction if he is already overwhelmed with real problems.

Feelings are for counselors and other women, Not men.

Anonymous · Answer

Has he tried therapy? I had a partner [M20] who had anger problems/depression so I encouraged him to get therapy, and he did.

After he takes that suggestion, I consider having a “honeymoon phase”. You’ve definitely had one at the beginning of your relationship. Start going on dates again, maybe weekly, and giving each other gifts, and pretending like you’re dating again. Sometimes we take those things for granted and don’t know how good it is to fall in love again.

But, realistically, if this has been going on for a month, why not talk to him? Ask him why you’re both not doing XYZ anymore, and if something that can be fixed. Otherwise… it might be best to part ways.

Sofargone93 · Answer

Sounds like you guys haven't given each other a chance to miss each other. I've been married a year and we have days like that , work was hard , family issues.. there's just some stuff you have to let breathe. It's normal to feel a little burned out and tired of trying to make your partner feel better about what they won't exactly tell you. Just give him some space but be present. Have patience.. men's periods last longer than women's. 😅

pickles77 · Answer

By being intimate. I think you guys stopped sharing the matters that are really on your heart. Maybe he feels like something is missing or like he can’t meet your needs and his own. I don’t feel that it will be an easy conversation and maby it’s something he can live with but try to get him to talk

FoxEyez · Answer

If your afraid of getting him angry, then you and him will never resolve anything because you'll always live in fear. Sometimes people don't react the way we want them to, but it's always best to talk about it. That way you can say you tried.

fuddly · Answer

If you find out please let me know

My experience is it goes downhill, things are said, things can't go back into the bottle once they are said.

It becomes peaceful coexistence. Detente.

Then for me at least, because there are kids and a house, it's easier to stay together than to separate.

SongBird3 · Answer

Here is a tough pill to swallow: You do not "fall out of love" If you do, than that means the love you had was purely conditional.

Radiate143 · Answer

Communicate and ask them about themselves as if it's the first time you met them. In four years people change and maybe you don't know them anymore. Date them like that new sexy guy who first caught your eye.

sheenagwapa · Answer

if a person doesn't know how to love he or she shouldn't be eith someone who is into love... you have such a THICK face if you waste that person's time. yoy choose someone like you.

Fireguy17 · Answer

Sometimes you can't, sadly sometimes it is time to move on and call it over. People change, and sometimes just grow apart.

Crankor · Answer

Your drifting apart because you are not involved in each other's lives.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Put each other first. It's hard to dislike someone who is always looking out for your best.

lizziemcquire · Answer

I’m not in love with my boyfriend either but hey just roll with it I guess. Nothing can make me love him again but I can pretend

whistlingwh0res · Answer

think about first love that you fall in love with.. like place, feelings, dates, celebration you did together

Anonymous · Answer

I've never had that happen. I think only women do this.

TheGuyYouCrave · Answer

A woman can't.

Evelyn99 · Answer

You don't.

DreamLife7 · Answer

He has someone else

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