True or false: just like "no means no" is correct, it is also correct that you can't tell someone they can't "get it" elsewhere as it's their body?

[Anonymous]

true

false

[LimboOfTheDink]

True. You can't control them. You can set expectations though, which is healthy in any relationship. Like making it clear you won't stay if sex is not prioritized/accessible, or you won't stay if they don't practice sexual exclusivity with you. As long as you don't force them, that's fine to communicate your desires and standards.

[Asker]

but isn't it unfair to deny someone sex but at the same time say they can't' get it elsewhere?

[LimboOfTheDink]

If having sex is important to you, and not having sex is important to them, chances are its not going to work out. I don't know what "fair" has to do with that.

[Subarugirl]

Well if you are married and in a monogamous relationship, you do have the right to tell them no they can't get it somewhere else. If they do, that is grounds for divorce…. though if you needs aren't being met then just get a divorce or break up, coercing or black mailing someone into sex is illegal and unethical.

[Asker]

well just like you can't pressure someone into sex as you aren't owed sex, can't you also say that you aren't owed monogamy? You aren't owed fidelity

[Subarugirl]

Well if they vowed monogamy and fidelity than yes... otherwise you are breaking that vow. Cheating is a violation of consent with in a monogamous relationship, if you don't want to be monogamous than either be in a non-monogamous relationship or end the relationship.

[PrettyPriya]

You are correct about the no means no. Can you explain the second part to me a little better? I'm not sure what you mean by you can't tell someone they can't get it elsewhere.

[Asker]

when you tell someone you are dating that they can't have sex with someone else when you aren't giving them sex

[Asker]

because its their body too they can decide whether or not you are the only person they will have sex with just like you can tell them you aren't having sex with them

[PrettyPriya]

Yep, you are correct that it is there body and their choice to have sex with others whilst in a relationship. Also, I have the free will to leave that relationship for them cheating.

[Asker]

i agree i am just wondering: is it unfair to deny someone sex and on top of that tell them they can't get it elsewhere?

[PrettyPriya]

Yep, because that is cheating. If a partner is denying sex (for whatever reason) then the other party has the choice to end the relationship and choose a different partner or just hook up with other people.

Why cheat though? Why not just break up. If it is to the point that you will cheat, you obviously aren't invested in the relationship or there are clear problems. Just end it in my opinion.

[Asker]

one more question. if things just aren't working out sexually and someone is considering cheating, doesn't this mean that the other person isn't invested either because the aren't making sex happen just for the relationship's benefit even if it is inconvenient. if sex only happens at one person's convenience and they can't ever push themself when not in the mood even occasionally they aren't invested either, are they?

[PrettyPriya]

Yeah, it definitely can mean they are not invested either. I think intimacy is an important and healthy part of a committed relationship. Assuming he/she is not withholding sex for the wrong reasons then the other party has every right to question their commitment.

Now, that said, there are legit reasons. Sometimes mental health plays a part. Perhaps the person is very stressed and not in the mood. Maybe they suffer from some sort of condition. Those are reasons that are legitimate and also can be addressed.

I think in a situation like that, the other person needs to respect that there is a real reason and support their partner by helping deal with the core issue.

However, if it is just because they have genuinely lost interest and don't want to be intimate with their partner, then yes they are not invested.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Just like someone forcing the issue when someone says no, if you go out and find it somewhere else there will be consequences you won't like.

[Asker]

but isn't it unfair to deny someone sex but at the same time while denying it tell them they can't' get it elsewhere?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

You aren't owed sex. If you aren't happy, then leave.

That being said, I'm poly and my partner is free to go get it wherever they want because I dont have sex really. That isn't a usual policy for everyone though.

[Asker]

well can't we say you aren't owed monogamy either?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Sure but im not monogamous. If you are talking about those who are, nope nobody is owed anything. You can expect it but it isn't owed. Just expect someone you are with to make you pay for cheating on them.