By this I mean people get into relationships because of what they can get out of it. It's a transaction. It's part of the hook-up culture. For example, a woman will get into a relationship for the money a man can provide. A man will get into a relationship for the sex it will provide.
Compared to the past, people would get into relationships because they enjoyed each other's company. They enjoyed being with each other, eating together, sleeping together, etc. These types of relationships are rare these days.
What are your thoughts?
Do You Believe Most Relationships Are Transactions These Days?
I don't know about these days. Out of all my relationships, I never experienced one that was a transaction. A transaction sounds almost like sociopathy or a business model where an amoral corporation's only goal is profit and it's only as good to its clients as it has to be.
I'm with you. I got into relationships because I like women. They're cute, charming and fun. I liked my girlfriends, enjoyed being with them, going places, doing things, hanging out, chatting, etc. We were best friends. And of course, the main benefit of having a best friend of the opposite sex is sex. They were supporting themselves before we met and the only profit either of us sought was friendship, appreciation, attention, fun and sex.
My relationship with my wife is like that. But we're also equal partners in building a life together. Of course we benefit from working together, sharing chores, improving our home, and contributing income to our livelihoods. But it's not a transaction. We don't keep a ledger of who benefits more from day to day or over time. We're just very happy being together and making each other happy. I don't even see how someone could be happy if they didn't care about their partner's happiness. Looking at that as a transaction is self centered, avaricious, mercenary, predatory, and usurious, if not narcissistic.
@Cathy7734 It's a really good question. I don't know the answer but I think it's dangerous for me to have that notion. I'll tell you why.
I was dealing with a women and she treated me a certain way that was not good. I responded by treating her good and with respect. She told me she treated me that way because she was so use to guys being less than good and respectful. She apologized to me. And from that point on I could tell she was really trying to make up for it.
@Cathy7734 The point is, when we have negative notions or preconceived notions about someone we force those notions on to those people and situations. In many cases, it becomes reality when it didn't have to be. Most people would not have responded with respect and goodness like I did; even if they were a decent person.
I agree with @freyared although I call it value. Like one value could be politeness or courtesy. When we express that quality or trait in the environment of the relationship then that other person is getting that value from us. Money or sex can be value too but what @Cathy7734 is talking about, I believe, is when we value money or sex so much so that we solely date that person due to that one value. We dismiss everything else about them because we see that 1 value. @Dinklex3 offers a pretty good counter argument.
I do believe so. I think a majority of them (usually the younger generations) definitely get into relationships for the “transactions.” Of course, sex is a normal and healthy part of a relationship for the majority of people, but nowadays, I feel as if it it is seen as the “glue” that holds the relationship together, and that’s it.
Relationships are so much more than just sex and pleasure. It’s commitment, it’s love, it’s companionship, it’s loyalty, it’s trust, it’s respect, and so on… Sex is just a cherry on top.
I also see people who don’t value relationships anymore. Or, I see someone doing something that could destroy the foundation of the relationship, such as cheating, lying, or simply not caring about their partner/partners feelings.
I myself am not into transactional relationships, I find them shallow and not fulfilling at all.
I don't know what most relationships are like, as I'm just one small fish in a pond.
Though I think it's naive to assume anything about others' relationships. Also, relationships were definitely transactional in the past. Women couldn't own anything or have their own money and they had to marry in order to be secure, while they were required to take care of the house. Definitely transactional.
Wow‼️ You have depth and am quite impressed by your thinking-perceptions. Much of the culture, as related to the point you are addressing, is an Effect from basic Biblical Values erosion. I have no idea what Highschool was like for you 10 years later. When I was in high school there was a club and my first BJ was in 9th grade…had been drinking on weekends since 6th grade Summer. -And yes, the more Assets one has the better it is to wear overalls…. On multiple occasions, I’ve had University housing tenants offer themselves. I did not pursue any, however, I imagine quid pro quo would have been expected. To some degree an assessment of what is good about this person for me should be made. Now, as to be so lonely as to meet a guy at a martini 🍸 bar and push taking him out for nice dinner etc…like I think I could have charged to be there. It’s a two-way street as one offers up their best pitch and free Prime Rib until you puke 🤢 offer worked on me…🤷🏻♂️ It used to be just guys whether straight or gay pushing the envelope…good ole days. Dating is a Commodity exchange market, for sure…you got that right ‼️
"Compared to the past, people would get into relationships because they enjoyed each other's company. They enjoyed being with each other, eating together, sleeping together, etc. These types of relationships are rare these days."
1. Who says people aren't enjoying each others company? I've never heard of this. People are actually in relationships they want to spend as little time as possible? Never heard of this. I think you're dreaming.
2. In the past things were about whose family had cows and arranged marriages. Are you sure it was about enjoying each others companionship?
What you're seeing is primarily modern relationships where its common to not build a life with a person and be passing ships in the night because of careers. Its not they can't stand each other but its egalitarian so they need space since they argue so much... and people sprinkled about desperate for traditional relationships and going about it in different ways. Example: A woman only wants a man who is a provider because it seems attractive to her yet her parents make her attend college so the only way to square the circle is a sugar daddy. Example a man wants a submissive housewife instead of his attorney ballbusting wife so he hires a nude cleaning service.
Yup, shit it almost feels like some friendships are going that way too. Everyone is just using everyone.
The dating game is absolute garbage, got dudes that say whatever it takes to fuck cause it's nearly impossible to get it with honesty and you got women that will lie about being interest sometimes just to get a free diner then ghost him.
I've literally seen tinder profiles of girls blatantly asking for money on their cash app or vinmo, haven't talked or met face to face yet and want money. Or just willing to hookup in order to find a drug plug. Dudes will fake their interests live story just to have sex, just pretend to be whatever she's looking for, make her think she found a perfect match, fuck her 2 or 3 times then ghost her.
I think relationships are less transactional now than ever. You'd have to look at the past with some pretty rose-tinted glasses to see otherwise.
Like, become women regularly earned their own income, her entire lifestyle was determined by how rich of a man she married. Most higher up marriages were purely political.
The idea of dating, courtship, marrying for love, etc are all like a century or two old. I mean love and such were still there, but more as a side effect than the actual function.
Actually it dates back thousands of years when daughters were married off to improve their family’s standing. It’s completely normal for people want things out of their relationships such as love, support, companionship, security and intimacy. Peoples desire for those things have not changed, the way people seek them out has. In a way all relationships are transactional because of you aren’t getting what you need out of that relationship, (love, support, companionship, intimacy) then it is doomed to fail.
@roaring20sman contrary to what SOME men think about me on here, apparently I have to make that distinction or people get offended, I do have some good points.
Relationships are by their very nature transactional and this shouldn'tbe viewed as a bad thing. For eons, marriages were handled like business transactions. Wars were prevented due to marriages and wealth and kingdoms were grown via marriage as well.
Hollywood in particular is guilty of changing the collective consciousness that marriages that are not based in love and passion are not real love and that may be true, to a degree. In reality, most passionate love affairs make horrible foundations for a marriage.
Relationships are still transactional. People are just more miffed because they are selling their body and soul for not much in return.
So the transactional part is there but the security that comes along with it has all but evaporated.
Western society is nuclear and increasingly narcissistic and its toxicity is spreading worldwide.
It comes down to one question - am I seeking a chemical (emotional) high for myself, which inevitably near everyone is, and has BUT am I also willing to sacrifice ethics, morals, values (i. e. this will destroy my chances of getting what I want, but is in the best interests of another), to where another's interest, rights (freedom to choose based on honesty & knowing all the facts) are regarded about personal desires (lying could get me laid) - is the balance of focus more to do what's right, or transactional satisfaction of personal desire, even at the expense of another being hurt.
Look at apps like Tinder, even "normal" dating apps - highest priority is filters like buying a product (height, weight, etc.), even reduced to swipe on one profile after another based on shallow assessment - nowhere is highest focus emphasis on deeply getting to know someone... just gratification of fantasy.
"Compared to the past, people would get into relationships because they enjoyed each other's company."
The past when? Where? Relationships have been transactions since the dawn of time. Men provide resources and protection. Women provide sex, comfort, and child raising. Even for royalty, men provided the social status and wealth while women provided continuity of the blood line. Where is this fantasy reality where this wasn't true? The only thing that has changed now-a-days is that women give sex out freely without asking for much in return, aside from maybe a meal, and that both men's and women's interest in having children is low. That's altered the formula of who gives what for what in return, but the basic concept is the same.
Every culture has some sort of transaction for a relationship. For most it is sex, but others it’s children, money, emotional support, safety/security, lifestyle etc. If you give love/support to your SO you expect to get something from them in return to show they love/value your relationship and having you in their life. Otherwise the relationship is one sided.
The transaction is like a business deal or buying a car or something that's pretty brutal to look at a relationship like that for me I'm not into that I mean if there's going to be a transaction I'm going to be the best guy that I can be for you and I would hope the same thing for you to me but I wouldn't look at it as a business type deal I think they have a different name than that for it
Would think that relationships have been transactional since the beginning of time. The difference now is that a lot of women expect (ed) to get everything for almost nothing. Women lowered their value by emphasizing "sexual freedom" and neglecting to build/maintain any other value form a man's POV. Hard to be attractive to a man (beyond sex) if you claim that his opinions don't matter.
Everything is a transaction In a relationship, always has been, it's all give and return, You may not think of it.. But let's say a girl kisses a guy in 1940.. and in return of that love she showed him... he does the dishes for her or buys her a present or something (jus an example) Is that not also a transaction? Everything is a transaction in a relationship, even if you don't think of it that way
It seems like it, but you can't necessarily blame the youth. Parents today don't give a crap. They let the phones raise their kids and it's sad. I stripped/escorted in my early 20's.. why? I had no father and my mom paid no attention to me b/c she was always working. I looked for the attention elsewhere. Not good, but I still did it. Teens/young adults still need guidance, even though they act like they got it all figured out.. no way!
In terms of psychology every relationship is a transaction. The difference between relationships which are successful over decades and those which aren't stable enough to last longer than few months, are "currencies" which people exchange in transactions with each others.
"Compared to the past, people would get into relationships because they enjoyed each other's company. "
Except that is also a transaction, you gain enjoyment out of them in exchange for them getting enjoyment out of you. It only ceases being a transaction if one party is getting nothing out of it.
These days? - Relationships have always been transactional since the beginning of time. Men brought resource provisioning exclusivity, and women, reproductive exclusivity. What has happened these days, especially with the rise of social media is the globalization of the sexual marketplace.
I think hook up culture is horrible and creates nothing but suffering and emotional carnage. It also cheapens and devalues relationships between men and women. Given the divorce and marriage rates now days I think yes the view that relationships are a transaction is much more common now days and its absolutely horrible.
Maybe it's like that in the states but it's not like that in Europe. Here our ladies take pride in earning money, and they often are educated, they provide for their own safety. They also enjoy sex and would take part of a healthy sex life. A relationship is out of love and not business here.
Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. All relationships, including friendships are a transaction of one sort or another. Generally people that you have a lot to trade with in both resources and mind are people that you emotionally enjoy each others company. The only difference is because of technology people had less options in the past.
I think they always were. Nobody gets in a relationship of any sort if they don't expect to get something out of it. That might be nothing more than feeling good about themselves or the happy feeling that comes with a heart flutter looking at your SO, but you put something in and you get something out.
They always were. If anything they have become too one-sided. Relationships serve only the interests of women. Men get the bare minimum out of it in the best case. In the worst case there its nothing in it for them. We're supposed to shut up and serve the vagina or else.
Relationships are almost always transactional. Women are interested in money, appearances, and want the ability to impress their female friends with their choices in men, and to some extent sex. Did I mention money?
Men are mostly interested in sex, and to an extent impressing other men.
I wouldn’t say this is true for most relationships
I think a better way to put it would be: People enter marriages with the intention of something to gain rather than to serve the person they love forever
Yes. Whether it’s getting laid or having a successful meaningful committed relationship. I’m 100% sure everything we choose to be involved in is for a ‘transaction’ purpose. I don’t really understand your question.
But it’s always been a transaction maybe nowadays it’s a bit more materialistic but it’s always been a transaction. You want to be with that person in exchange of their love, attention, companionship etc.
Nah. Seems like they're less transactional now than "back in the day". I've never been with a man for money as I'm able to get a job and support myself.
Hookup culture has definitely destroyed modern dating. I'm after someone I can have that connection with alongside the physical aspects, but as I'm average at best, it seems I have no chance.
I hate it, but I do believe that most relationships are transactional these days. FWIW: I don't think hookup culture is really a thing though. If there are tons of people hooking up, I'm definitely not seeing it happen.
I agree. Relationships can only work if both haven't participated in hook-up culture. It's unhealthy for the brain. It damages pair bonding
1
0 Reply
Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Yes so far that’s all it’s been lately, I would prefer love but I’ve waited for years with no results. so I’m just meeting new people and see how it goes. Sex with no real connection gets stale eventually and I’m learning it’s not for me.
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0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I think most people make it that way… because when they don’t have any values, the only thing they have to fall back on is the broader culture and what other people think and expect of them.
if you are a man then yeah. men are the ones that have to spend taking the woman out and spending his gas money hoping to win her heart while all she has to give back is her damn vagina
For many people the answer is yes. There is no real love, friendship, or compatibility. It's all bogus; none of it is real or makes sense. I can't do a modern "relationship".
All 4 of the girls I had relationships with in the past cheated on me. And the one girl I was friends with who I wanted to see where things would go with and she made it seem like she was interested ended up falsely accusing me so I gave up completely. Felt my trust burn away and now I have none left to give. I decided I didn’t want to deal with relationships anymore. None of them were worth it. I’ve only felt suffocated, stressed, annoyed, anxious, depressed, used but never loved. They were sell extremely selfish it was always about them. They never did anything for me to balance things out. I’m not going to give another girl a chance to change my mind. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t because I have too much respect for myself to allow myself to go through all that shit again
I think relationships have no value. Everyone just wants to fuck all the time. Everything is sexualized.
2
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I wouldn't say, that the hookup culture destroyed conventional relationships but that the hookup culture is in a much higher demand than the conventional relationships. Most people don't want that. Go figure.
For most yes. The high breakup rate is a clear sign of that. Most breakups are done by women, often with already a new partner in the mix. Take it as you want.
I think we’re all in bubbles of our own making. So we think the world is just like us. I see more longterm relationships (6 months or more) than “transactional” relationships.
Yes. Men are willing to pay for access to the pussy. Women are willing to give up the pussy in exchange for money and material goods. That's the way it's always been and always will be.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Yeah thats how relationships have always worked. Man provides money and security and woman provides sex
But now many aren't doing that (instead there are nowadays these growing trends of men asking the girl for money, broke cheapskates who suddenly have money for their own fancy things) and the woman gives all all away for nothing but years of getting string along with false promises.
Then I'm not to assume that part of the blame is on us. Our mistake is not taking our gatekeeping role seriously like we used to in the past and choosing a right, suitable man that will actually settle down and provide for the family. A cheapskate asking women for money and/or making her live with her for years and have all the access to sex isn't a suitable mate then.
I wouldn't be that black and white about it. But yes, I think few people form relationships out of love. Because love is selfless. And most people are all about what's in it for them.
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