Why am I so good at giving relationship advice when I'm single and bad at it?

[Anonymous]

I mean the advice I give to others is so good but I just have a hard time having relationships of my own. I don't know what to say when I speak to the one I like. It's so frustrating 😠😠
But why is it like that?

[D_Bone_Steak]

I don't know really... I see it like night and day from the "new friends" (females) my wife makes. The ones that are cheating, currently breaking up with their man, or just a failure with their own relationships give my wife some shitty advice. The single ones gives her the type of advice that actually helps. Like I said I don't know really. It's just something I've noticed.

[TheSpaceGnome]

What advice do you have for finding a woman in her mid 20s to mid 30s who likes dinosaurs, drawing, playing video games, building model kits, watching anime/cartoons, and sci-fi/fantasy movies. Doesn't drink, smoke, or do other drugs, likes cats and creepy crawlies as pets, and is an atheist who loves science?

[TheSpaceGnome]

If you give good advice for this, I will offer advice in return.

[Asker]

We all have an ideal type.
For instance I want a partner with a great personality, kind so on and so forth. However we all have to face reality at one point.
Where we realize that we won't get exactly what we want. Because out there we won't easily and I repeat easily find the one who satisfies our requirements.

In addition to that thought, love isn't about what that person does or what you might have in common, but it's about finding refuge in each other, learning new things everyday about each other, and that is growing.

And again we unfortunately won't find the one with the all traits we desire. Because we won't care about all that when it is really love.

It is sadly a mere fantasy we all have though. It's not a crime to fantasize about our ideal partner.

So good luck finding this lady.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Wow, thats actually really terrible advice, but thats expected considering your age.

First off, nothing good is ever easily achieved, and second, your way of thinking will land you in a divorce when you are older.
You still have the "fairy tale love" mentality, and sorry to burst your bubble, but thats not real.
People do not love unconditionally, and people do not fall in love for very long without mental commonalities.

People do not take that kind of refuge in anyone who isn't relatable, and people don't actually like learning new things about topics they have no interest in. People who are very different in mind that date, either drift apart by doing the things they enjoy, or they fight over how to think, and how to spend their time, money, and effort, until they break up.

Loving another person as a mate is 100% about compatibility and having things in common, especially hobbies, and the type of person I described is actually not that rare, it's just that people like me spend most of our time indoors, being busy, so socializing with likeminded people becomes hard.

Good advice for my predicament would have had to include a way to bring people who are normally shut-in nerds/geeks/artists together. But yours was basically just "give up".

You should never have the "give up" mentality, you won't achieve anything great in life with that mindset.

And that is my advice for you, to not be a pessimist disguised as a realist, to not give up your individuality over fear of being alone, to have motivation to do things that are hard to do but bring you joy, and to never give up on what you actually want in life just because it's not easy.

If I gave up on things because they were hard to accomplish, I wouldn't be even half the things I am today.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Also, aside from you being underaged, had you been 18 or older, I'd have told you that your refusal to be picky and motivated, and your choice to instead expect dissapointment, is why you are still single.

To attract the ideal type, you have to present yourself as a mental clone of it. If you bury your real self, no ideal type will see you as ideal, and you will only end up with the dissapointment you envisioned.

[Asker]

I honestly thank you for the ground breaking yet eye opening advice. I believe it will help me mature more and become a better person. You haven't burst my bubble but instead I believe that your advice might change my mindset for the better. However my belief of that kind of love is not based of fairy tales, but the experiences of those around me. Many women around me believe they have met the ideal partner. They have some things in common, they share the same thoughts, however the same partner betrays them or breaks their heart. Making me believe that it's not about common interests but caring for each other. And I do realize I only looked at one perspective and forgot the other.

I still believe people find love with each other,
no matter if they have common interests or not. I speak not basing it on fairy tales but on what surrounds me. Take for example my parents, when I look at them, they honestly have nothing in common. Sports, Music, Movies and so many other things, however they do not fight all the time about their differences but sometimes they both want to learn about each other, what is interesting to the other and why. Despite interests, as I said finding refuge, they care for each other so much it makes me burst in tears. In hard times, they stand together.
That's what I mean by refuge.

But let's not also forget the fact that yes, most people who end up together have common interests. That is intirely true however not all of them. And regarding the times we are in now also based on the individuals around me, it is difficult to find the one. But as you said a person should not to give on finding the one. Even if it is really hard.
My mind still has time to grow.

Thank you so much for your advice, but I do hope you understand where I'm coming from.

[Asker]

(Pardon me I am really stubborn)

I do understand that yes we always have to have certain expectations of the one we want to be with. For example loyalty so on and so forth. However my point was you might not find everything you expect.

I myself failed to pinpoint both perspectives.
Yes nothing is wrong with being picky, but does that mean that you will push aside every one who approaches you and lacks certain traits?
I also believe that there is nothing wrong with expecting disappointment because if you always believe that everything will work out and instead you are disappointed, how shall you react?
Yes you must be motivated but have the know that there are two possible outcomes.
Not only that but you do forget that having two perspectives, we know that, real picky people out there are also single. They are so picky to the extent that no one approaches them
But that's not the point; it works differently for people.
Not all picky people have managed to get the ideal partner, not all people with my mindset find that love.

[Asker]

Maybe it is my age 🤷🙂

[TheSpaceGnome]

If a person's idea of an ideal partner is anything but the best version of themselves in a different wrapper, they are fooling themselves, and will end up chasing a false ideal.
One that benefits what they think they are missing, or compliments what they are not, or makes them feel a certain way for nonsensical reasons, or is seemingly compatible in some other way with a fake version of themselves. But in the end, people who think differently struggle to tolerate eachother's presence.

The best version of yourself does not lie to yourself, doesn't bury any part of yourself, and is honest about who you are with anyone you want to keep, even if being honest pushes them away.

Some people fail at all of those tasks, so their "ideal" is technically a lie they tell themselves.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Funnily enough, when most people grow up, they forget who they are as a person, they forget what really brings then joy because society tells them joy is childish, and that they need to grow up, but thats a self defeating mentality, it's a trap people willingly put themselves in.

[TheSpaceGnome]

them*

[TheSpaceGnome]

The biggest lesson in life you will learn is that failure is only permanent if you stop trying. Yes, not everyone has found their ideal, and not everyone will, but the ones who don't are either dead, involuntarily isolated, or stopped trying.

[Asker]

I totally agree

[TheSpaceGnome]

Then you'll be fine, just give it time.

[Asker]

This was quite a meaningful conversation or may I debate. Quite appreciated

[TheSpaceGnome]

Your welcome.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You're*

[Asker]

Jade Li is my pseudonym

[courtney06]

It's easier to see the situation from the outside. When you're in it, you can get distracted by your own emotions and thoughts since you're in the heat of the moment. The good news is this can be improved. It takes a lot of self-awareness and discipline. I was the same way at first.

[rachel776]

this is the psychiatrist dilemma, just pretend you are someone you're giving advice to, what would you tell that person?

[Sonorous]

I think it's because the outcome is more personal. And if something went wrong, we'd be the ones who felt it.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I think guys under 18 and no offense need to mature so you are a girl with a level head on her shoulders and that's why your ability to give good advice to help others also you are very mature for your age that is good :) :D

[MysticallyConcieted]

Matching that there’s nothing wrong with us we are just Us.💯

[NathanDavis]

just like my doctors... lol

[OddBeMe]

Because we like giving advice. But not taking it.

[dolemite89]

it’s like the movie hitch 😂

[maximumpower]

ummmm - you're not.

[Asker]

I have to say age is just a number, what matures is our mindset and age does not determine our mindset. It is really common, that young girls my age are aimless individuals in life and know nothing.
That is because life treats us differently.

This is my reply assuming
your reply is what I am thinking of.

[Anonymous]

Same here lol.