Have you ever felt like having to “walk on eggshells” around your partner?

[Anonymous]

In my case, my boyfriend gets triggered by everything when he’s stressed - even when I try to give him space, he likes to twist my words and turn it into an argument (probably bc he wants to release his frustrations) then blame me for starting an argument when I usually just try to walk away and give him space. I’ve decided to just shut my mouth bc apparently anything I say can be turned into an argument but I can’t handle being used as a passive punching bag…

Have you ever dealt with something like this? Please share your stories and any advice that you might have. Thanks in advance!

[lightbulb27]

yes with an X.

My experience is this is part them and part you and the combination of personalities.

I suspect this is emotional regulation issues in that person + personality... they are still railing agains the ghost of their parents from their childhood. They may want a fight as it feels good. question is if you can handle it.

Walking on eggshells is the exact term I used for my counselor (s) and it slowly ground me into emotional sawdust. I was older than you and it did damage in my life... not easy to sustain.

My X wanted to bond with her father and express herself to him, when she was child, but she was shut down. Various other life experiences included... and she's a female, and she wanted me to put her in her place. Note that I was a component to why she'd get upset at times, but not the only one, she dragged around her emotions. That was hard for me, I didn't like to argue or fight, I hated that... because it brought up crap from childhood that I'd repressed. But when I did "exert myself", she felt better... like she couldn't manager her emotions, I had to give her a boundary. I felt bad... but it was exercise to an extent, I needed to "stake my boundaries" in life..

You have to learn how to handle and manage that person. look at yourself to see what you need to work on. He needs to look at himself, although people rarely see themselves nor do they want to dig up and repair their messed up childhoods/emotional damage... we should.

You can look into patterns such as borderline personality and whom they draw to... often a "caregiver" type person who can nurture them... and read other stories.

And then figure out if you can live your life... make children, manage this through ups and downs in life.

I'm doing well now with my wife. It was a battle as well for a while, I brought a lot of my own insecurities into our relationship, but It makes sense now and we are doing really well.

We wish you the best.

[Asker]

Wow thank you so much that was very insightful. My boyfriend is kinda similar to your ex, he was abused and his dad was emotionally distant. I think that might explain why he sometimes have trouble expressing his emotions as he’s used to just shutting down and brushes things off only for him to explode when he couldn’t take it anymore.

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection, I used to be that way too back then until I realized that what I was doing was toxic so now I’m much better at expressing my frustrations and coping with stress.

I also learned that when my boyfriend does have his outbursts, the best thing to do is to not react and just give him space. I used to questioned myself a lot thinking I can never do anything right bc I always seem to piss him off but now I realize that he’s just projecting his anger and frustrations towards me. I will definitely have a talk with him about all this tho, just waiting for the right timing.

Thanks a lot for taking the tame to share your experiences and advice, I’m glad things are going good with your current wife. Best of luck to you both!

[lightbulb27]

I applaud you for being an aware adult at such young age, to be aware of these things and to be willing to work on helping each other. that's what it takes. It makes a lot of sense and with my experiencing it... it's a common pattern of behavior. That be a lot of deep wounds. She was in counseling as was I, it's definitely not a day but a process, and counsling didn't get us that far. Group therapy if such exists might be helpful. Awareness of the issues, vulnerability to uncover the wounds and resolve them... are pathways out. Examine the erickson clark chart for insights into how childhood flaws map into errant behavior. There's a lot you can learn to rise above. Healing is getting the truth into the mis perceptions of the child, or just plain old filling them with love, forgiveness, hope.

The wonderful thing in intimate relationships is they turnup these deep emotional wounds so that they can be healed.. freeing the people to new growth and awareness. In general... adults don't want to change, so it's hard work. So many people "blow up", run, or repeat patterns. That's why we see the social messes we see about us.

keep me posted if you need more help. I like these scenarios.

[Asker]

I actually have been to therapy a couple of times to clean up the mess that was caused by my childhood trauma, which is why I’m much more self aware of myself I guess. My boyfriend seems to be aware of just how much his past is affecting his behaviors but I don’t think he realizes how bad it really is.

I will definitely look into the erickson clark chart, I think it might help giving me some guidance to understand him and myself better. Thank you so much, you’ve been so kind and understanding.

I read your advice about saying things in a more positive manner, I am planning to approach him gently about this whole issue but do you have any advise as to how I should go about doing it?

[lightbulb27]

You sound like you are able to communicate well and not timid, so direct and factly. I can only guess he doesn't want to deal with any of this and isn't "a big deal to him"... he's been like this, it's normal for him. Dealing with this means digging up old very painful feelings, rarely do people want to do that let alone see themselves. For you, either you adapt to deal with him or you turn into a pile of emotional ashes... add in 2 kids and this and work... ashes. In other words, this is a deal breaker in how I hear it. So...

Can sit side by side, less threatening. Tell him matter of fact he needs to work on this issue, you love him and support him, but it's serious. discuss options for him (watch videos, read book, mens group, therapist...). A start. If he deflects, you have to press the severity. If he doesn't then you are booking a therapist. Nice, clear, stern, tears and manipulation not required. basically, like a parent with a child... cause that's what it is in essence... to establish some new boundaries. I assume you can manage him physically.
Failure means you have to do what you are doing... finding your own solutions to change yourself, establish boundaries until he changes, which is decades if ever. And this stuff gets worse in older age. Emotional wounds need healed too...
you're welcome!

[lightbulb27]

Occasionally my life experiences come in handy... I learned a lot... the hard way:)

[Asker]

Wow you’re very on point, his go to statement is indeed “it’s no big deal”. I agree with the sitting side by side tho, that’s how I usually go about approaching any sensitive topic with him and I would also rub his back as comfort to show that I’m on his side still.

I have been trying to adapt but at the same time I want him to also work on it bc he’s just pushing me away if he keeps this up. Thanks so much for all the input tho, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I wish you nothing but the very best!!

[litty]

Yeah, that happened to me. Every little thing I did would cause her to explode. We could have the nicest day at the beach or at the park, but coming back she'd flip out. She held resentment and couldn't let go. One of her friends pissed her off too and that ruined our evening. When one of her friends hurt me, she blamed me for not being cool enough. Boys will be boys dumb shit.

The eventual solution is we had to break up. Being apart, I realized she was super controlling and I had to change myself for her erratic mood changes. I put her first instead of my own needs and it was draining.

For her she realized that she had been seeking validation from everyone, which will always be a bottom pit of deprecation and self-pity. No one could make her happy because she wasn't happy with herself.

Your boyfriend's behavior is unacceptable. The only one who can control his attitude is himself. There is no need for you to be put yourself in the crossfire of his temper tantrums.

[Asker]

Omg this exact line “I had to change myself for her erratic mood changes” just describes exactly how I’ve been feeling…

It sucks when you love someone but for some reason they act like they hate you since every little thing pisses them off. I’m glad you managed to break free of that whole situation tho.

The thing with my boyfriend is he ever only gets this way when he’s stressed (but he get stressed a lot lol), normally he’s super awesome. I started questioning my tolerance for him, is it just me that needs to be more patient? I want to support him when he’s stressed but I don’t want him lashing out at me, am I wrong for thinking that?

[litty]

Of course it's not wrong to want to avoid conflict when all you are doing is trying to help. A healthy relationship doesn't involve the partner taking out their stress on the S. O. That's a form of emotional abuse.

It's also not healthy to bottle up your feelings. Every time you tolerate it, resentment grows, and when your patience finally chips away your anger explodes. That hurts because doing the same thing to your partner as what they did to you is not who you are.

And it's not right that one person has to be the civil person keeping the ship afloat. If your situation was anything like mine, trying to talk about this issue with them just makes it worse. Your boyfriend needs to go to anger management or couples therapy, otherwise he's only going to drive you away more.

If you decide to split, there's nothing wrong with that either. It may give him the self-reflection he needs as it does for many. There are few things scarier than being faced with one's own thoughts because one has to ask themselves "what do I really want?" And if he wants a relationship with you, he has to be better. Other times, super awesome people are just better as friends.

[Asker]

Wow all very valid points. Looks like I have a lot of thinking and some self reflecting that I need to be doing. My plan is to just wait until he cools off a bit then I’ll try to talk to him about it - he’s usually a very good listener when he’s not stressed out so I’m gonna give it a go. I do think he needs some help to learn how to properly cope with his anger tho and I can’t help him with that…

But thank you so much for the insight, very helpful!

[litty]

Anytime! Hope it all works out

[courtney06]

Yes I've dated someone like this in the past and it definitely felt like walking on eggshells. It's very toxic and unhealthy. It's exhausting too. Eventually he sabotaged the relationship beyond no return. I did my best but that was doomed before it even started. I tried to help him be a better communicator but his mindset is stuck in limitation. It's important that genuinely want and value healthy communication and active in making that happen. After that relationship ended, I decided that if I end up with someone again, it's mandatory for them to value healthy communication. Anything less is a deal breaker. Even better if they are more mature and advanced at communicating than me. I am very happy I made that choice considering who I am with now. I hope that gave you some insight.

[Asker]

Ah yeah exactly, these kinds of people seem to have trouble coping with their emotions and expressing them. I’m happy to hear that you managed to get out from the toxicity and you’ve found someone better.

What I’m confused about is that my boyfriend only gets this way when he’s stressed (which is very often lol). Normally he’s just the best. I started questioning my tolerance for him, is it just me that needs to be more patient? I want to support him when he’s stressed but I don’t want him lashing out at me, am I wrong for thinking that?

[courtney06]

You're not wrong for thinking that. Everyone has different tolerance. I prefer not to get too close to people who lash out at me and others regularly. There's healthier ways of coping with stress. If they want to improve that's great but it's better if I'm not part of that journey with them. It hurts too much as I'm quite sensitive. Some people can handle it but it's not for me. It's your choice but I can already tell you're unhappy with his behavior even though you want to support him.

[Asker]

I understand how you feel, I’m also pretty sensitive but I’m trying to be strong for him. You’re right though, there are definitely better ways for him to express and release his frustrations, I just don’t want to be his punching bag anymore and I will talk to him about it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and input though, very much appreciated!

[Screenwriter]

You should never have to tiptoe around someone because of THEIR issues. If you have to change your natural behavior because of someone's problems, YOU have a problem.

This man needs to see a THERAPIST and work out his problems with her or him NOT BY USING YOU in this negative fashion. If he refuses, you need to put on your walking shoes. He's not worth it.

You should be experiencing JOY in your relationship, not stress because HE's STRESSED! Draw a line in the sand and stick to it. He's using you in the worst way.

[Asker]

Yes to everything you just said! I’m only beginning to see that I’m not the problem here, for the longest time I thought that I was just such a horrible girlfriend who can’t do anything right bc I always seem to piss him off… I could tell him “hey, it’s getting late. You should get something to eat and take a break from work for a bit” and he would blow up bc apparently I don’t understand timing…

Now I realize that he’s the one that’s got issues, he’s just too triggered by everything and he’s projecting his frustrations onto me. I will definitely stand up for myself and have a talk with him. Thank you so much for the encouragement and advice, very eye opening!

[Pinay_ako]

The day I feel like walking on eggshells around a partner, is the day I will question myself is it worth it?

[Asker]

Wow couldn’t have said it better

[Pinay_ako]

Is it?

[Pyrofox]

For me I just go head strong and start a fire just as high I've lived kinda by saying screw the egg shells if a war is what you want it is what you will get. I've kinda lived by a philosophy of relationships kinda by the idea of if you want respect you gotta prove you deserve it. I guess you can say I mirror my partner a lot so in the end more often than not my relationships don't end up with fights and its just peace across the board cause they know I'll just burn hotter if they give me a hot head. (And no since I'm like this most of my relationships end up never reaching the point of conflict outside of what snacks we keep in the house LOL.)

My advice is just make it clear that any type of abuse even passive is not okay. If they want to say something they will say it to you in a calm respectful manner anything less is not acceptable.

[Asker]

Yeah so far I’ve just been passively taking the hit but I’ve had enough and I’m gonna stand up for myself (calmly).

I get what you mean with the whole mirroring thing tho, my boyfriend is exactly the same way but the thing is I’m usually more mellow and I only turn into an asshole when I’m on my period - but then he’ll act the same way on steroids. He’ll mirror all of my negative emotions and amplifies them, I wish he would also mirror my positive emotions lol

[Pyrofox]

Its okay in your situation to just blow up in my opinion. Its what I'd expect if I was being passive aggressive. I've always told my other half to not sugar coat things if I'm being a crappy boyfriend. How else am I gonna learn that I need to change my garbage attitude if you never tell me its bad. If anything being brutally honest with me is only gonna make me trust you more and just further prove to me that you really mean it when you say "I love you, for you."

[Asker]

True, I will be more firm and assertive when I do confront him. I usually like to approach things gently and just beat around the bush bc I’m too scared of his reaction but fuck it my feelings matter too.

[Pyrofox]

For some they just need the harsh truth to realize what they have isn't something to squander.

[Asker]

Couldn’t agree more, thanks for allowing me to see things from a different perspective. I appreciate you sharing your insights!

[Spiritofn]

Yes and for a very long time. I tried my best for quite some time to the point where I was exhausted. I was thinking about splitting it off at that point but wasn’t quite ready to call it. It actually took something else to drive me to that point but it turns out they fixed the issue even before I brought it up and for the most part both worlds are better now even though we still walk on egg shells occasionally but I still need to be a better hubby just don’t know how to get the strength and courage.

[Asker]

It is mentally draining, it’s as if you’re walking on a field with landmines. I hope things will get even better for the two of you, good luck and I wish you nothing but the best!

[RealMarek]

Yeah, sounds like my ex. Odds are he’s not going to change. You need to decide whether this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. Second time around I made sure to find someone with whom I don’t have to walk on eggshells. It’s much better!

[Asker]

I actually used to be this way too back when I was younger and still dealing with a lot of past trauma which why I’m pretty confident that my boyfriend could change. I’ve stopped getting triggered by everything and now I’m facing the karma I guess lol

[RealMarek]

Well, I think it would be good to explain to him what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you were similar and changed you can tell him that and explain that you expect him to change too.

[Asker]

Yep that’s exactly how I’m planning to approach it. I think I learned from my past mistakes and I kinda know how to handle him (just not reacting and leaving him alone when he’s lashing out) and it’s helped calm him down a lot. Thanks a lot for sharing your opinion, very much appreciated!

[RealMarek]

You’re welcome. If you need more ideas feel free to reach out.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[shaysh87]

my father is kind of like that to his wife and kids. trust me, it was a nightmare growing up with him. do not marry a guy like that. he will just give you hell over and over and over again. Unless you are the push over type who can handle being roasted on a daily basis, DO NOT go for a guy like that.

[Asker]

At first I thought it would change and that he was just overly stressed, but it’s been kind of a routine and I’m not gonna keep taking it.

[Gent207]

Yes and I have seen your situation before and it always ends badly.
If you want my advice: break up with him and run. Block him on all apps and avoid him at all costs. The cycle of abuse and control begins here with you walking on eggshells and being gaslight till you think that you are worthless.
If you walk away now you can save yourself a heap of trouble.
Life is too short to waste it on these kinds of people.

[Asker]

Sadly I’m beginning to realize that he does like to shift the blame on me whenever he’s upset over something unrelated… I’m gonna try to talk to him and stand up for myself - if he doesn’t listen then I’m out

[Gent207]

I hope that whatever happens you are the most happy

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was so stressed out with my last girlfriend I got shingles from the stress and I was shitting blood. And she wouldn’t even drive me home from the hospital when I was doped up on anesthetic for a colonoscopy. I had to call up a guy I hadn’t spoken to in over a year to be my ride back home.

Thanks baby, you really made me feel loved.

[Asker]

Wow that’s horrible, she was being very inconsiderate. I hope you’re feeling much better now and hopefully you’ll meet someone that deserves you. Best wishes!

[Opinion Owner]

I am feeling better thank you but I’ve completely given up on women. I now encourage other men to do the same.

[Asker]

Good to hear and I completely understand your decision, all the best to you! Thanks for sharing your story.

[lightbulb27]

I can relate to being ground to bits. I got to the other side of this and happily married. You gotta fight though that stuff and learn, it's about you not her. sorry for your hurts, that would be awful. But your experience goes to show that we really do need close emotional and physical support at times, and so building something lasting... is important... as best you can. I got married after 50, you're a youngster in that regards and have much life adventures ahead as I now have, a new life... should you accept the challenge;-)

[MTC29]

With my SO, my walking on eggshells or being on thin ice are par for the course. She enjoys forcing issues so that I have to reply, with what is usually the wrong answer. When that happens, I'm in the doghouse until she becomes unbearably horny.

[Asker]

Oh man that sounds toxic… some people do really get off from the thrill they get when they get into arguments or fights tho

[Dodo02]

Well I had to walk on eggshells because he was unemployed therefore he would be frustrated over the little things and I had to be understanding because I didn't want to make feel less of a man ever more... even thou I avoided talking about money problems around him he would explode and probably tell me how useless I am 💀 for not wanting to include him in things

[Asker]

Wow that’s harsh. I get that he might be frustrated over his own life but that doesn’t give him the right to take it out on you…

[Dodo02]

I'm used to it... he recently got a job and he's distant as we speak

[Asker]

Please don’t get used to it, it’s not right what he’s doing, you deserve so much better!

[FictionalCharacter]

This post sounds like my relationship with my mother. God forbid I ask her a question and she thinks I’m attacking her. You cannot win with someone like that and it’s best to walk far away from them.

[Asker]

Oh man that’s horrible. I understand having a partner that acts this way but for it to come from your own mother? It is very exhausting and I’m really gonna have to stand up for myself at least once, if he still won’t hear me out then I will walk away

[petitedollbabee]

With past relationships yes. Due to abuse and manipulation from their end. There’s a reason why I’m not with those partners anymore.

[Asker]

I’m sorry you had to go through that, it sucks… but I’m glad you’re free of them now

[petitedollbabee]

It is what it is. We all have hard relationships at some point in our lives. But there’s always someone way better ahead of us. My current partner is great, and our communication is transparent and open, so never feels like I’m walking on eggshells.

[Asker]

That’s awesome! Best of luck to you and your new relationship 😊

[Anonymous]

No. I am not maintaining any relationships with those, who discharge their anger on me.

[Asker]

Yes! No one should lash out at their partner continuously for something completely unrelated to them.

[Opinion Owner]

That's right

[TrueConfection]

Yep. It doesn't get better. Get out now and find someone emotionally mature.

[Asker]

Sad to say but that might be the only way to fix these kind of issues

[TrueConfection]

Save your sanity while you still have it. Eventually you'll just get to a point where you don't care and then you'll start to wonder if you're the one who's nuts. Meanwhile, his behavior will continue to irritate you. It really only gets worse. Don't waste your time with him. Find someone who you will enjoy spending your life with.

[Asker]

It did got to the point where I started questioning myself, I thought I was such a terrible girlfriend for always pissing him off. Now I realize that he’s the one that’s got issues and he’s projecting his issues onto me.

I do enjoy spending time with him when he’s not being this way tho, which is why I’m facing a huge dilemma. He’s normally such a sweetheart, until he’s stressed out and that’s when he likes to just turn everything into an argument. I’ve learned to just ignore him when he does that, seems to work and he seems guilty the next day lol

[TrueConfection]

Well, at least you realize it's his problem and not yours. Now comes the part where you learn to shrug it off. Later, you lose all sense of what is sane and what isn't as he becomes more irritating and he escalates the drama because he's not getting enough reaction from you anymore. It's like an alcoholic who needs more and more to get his buzz.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s what I’m dreading… I’m gonna have a serious talk with him but he won’t listen or attempt to improve then I’m walking out

[TrueConfection]

Good luck to you

[Asker]

Thank you, and thanks for sharing your insight. Much appreciated!

[TrueConfection]

You're welcome!

[TacosRAwesome]

Basically the reason why I dumped my most recent partner. It was exhausting and I started to hate myself and resent him.

[Asker]

Yeah I feel you… I feel like I’m going down the same path as you especially with the resentment part

[Anonymous]

Nope. I wouldn't stay with someone that I felt like that around.

[Asker]

That makes perfect sense

[MCheetah]

Guys have to be like that around most women in general. Women get offended by every damn thing.

[Asker]

Yeah my boyfriend gets offended by the little things too… it’s exhausting

[exitseven]

I am used to it by now.

[Asker]

Oh no :(

[anton_dee]

🙄🙄🙄🙄 my partner is the fuckin same...

[Asker]

Damn, how are you holding up?

[anton_dee]

Built a barrier around myself and stop listening to her

[Carolinacowboy]

Yes thats why were not together anymore

[Asker]

Awesome, no one should waste time dealing with people like that.

[Carolinacowboy]

You are absolutely right

[NathanDavis]

never

[Asker]

Lucky 😔

[NathanDavis]

fortunate, indeed

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through that

[Opinion Owner]

a couple of days ago i tried telling my s. o. that a few photos of hers didn't look good because of a bad wig and outfit a couple of people picked out for her and where some photos of hers were taken weren't in a good spot. i tried to be as delicate with her as i could because they weren't good photos or outfits and whoever decided that should of been terminated from doing them

[Asker]

Yeah it sucks but I’m hanging in there.

Oh and how did your s. o. react?

[Opinion Owner]

ballbusting as usual

[Asker]

Ugh that’s rough, I hope things get better for the two of you. Good luck!

[lightbulb27]

A few thoughts to improve your relationship and I learned some of this from my wife. My wife is very easy going, but still... I've made mistakes in communicating and I can give examples if you like.

Say things with love. Love is a positive energy. Some women, and at certain times especially... cannot handle a negative... it sucks them down fast, especially from those closest to them. They may takeit from a friend, but not you. Especially true when their hurting or hormones are off.
So, rephrase with positives, but get your point across being true to yourself. You do have to tread carefully at times (of the month), if that's related. That's women... also some personalities.
ex. "you are beautiful, you made her look like a photographer! I'd love to see you in that other color outfit, what you think? lets go try on some clothes this weekend for fun.". No woman complains about having fun... adjust for your woman.

[Charliefretz329]

Yep, it’s miserable

[Asker]

Yeah it sucks…

[Charliefretz329]

If you’re not tied down, leave

[Asker]

I’m really considering leaving, but I’m gonna try to talk to him first and see if makes an attempt to change

[Charliefretz329]

Marriage and kids are permanent decisions. People change temporarily and then revert back. Don’t ever ask someone to change for you. Find someone who matches you in their natural state. Trust me

[Asker]

That’s all very true, good advice. Thank you!!