My boyfriend's family doesn't approve of me and we don't have that much in common. Why does he even want to be with me?

[DermalPunch]

• He's 14 years younger than me although he thought I was only 5 years older than him when we met
• His family is against our relationship
• He wants to get married then tell them after
• I'm really devout and he's not that religious though he's been more practising lately
• I just don't even get why he wants to be with me with all of this against us.

When I first met him he was still just into chilling and partying. Now he's all work work work. I do really love him dearly and I know he does too. It just makes no sense still.

Updates

1 y

So, boyfriend explained that his mom has an old cultural attitude and wants to set him up with his a girl of her choosing who is attractive but he says she is an envious and fake person so he doesn't want to be with her. So now they want to disown him.

[Anonymous]

In terms of age gaps I've got some experience in this area as my fiancé is 15 years younger than me. I completely understand having your boyfriend's parents hate you because they think you're way too old for their son. His mother was especially hostile towards me. When we first met they were super cold and rude towards me (and probably would have been more if their son hadn't been there). My boyfriend got in a fight with his parents, there was some yelling, I cried, and it all went pretty badly.
Despite being so hurt I became determined to figure out why they didn't like me and to do what I could to win them over. If there was nothing I could do that was fine, but I'd at least like to know why they were so against me and to know that I did my best to make things work. If we had a bad relationship I was determined it wasn't going to be because I didn't work hard enough at making things work.

To make a long story short, I figured out his mom felt really uncomfortable about her son having sexual feelings for a woman relatively closer to her age than her son's (I'm 8 years younger than his mom). She also was concerned that I was some cheap floozy seducing her son (I'm a hairstylist and he's a computer engineer. Needless to say he makes a lot more than I do. She thought I was some older gold digger only interested in his body and his bank account). Both his mom and dad were worried that if we worked out they wouldn't get any grandkids (as I'd already had 2 girls and was 40 years old).

I say this because I think these are very common concerns parents have when their son is dating a woman 14 or 15 years older.

The way we worked it out is both me and my boyfriend (now fiance) sitting down, clearing some things up, and laying some ground rules. He cleared up that I wasn't there for his bank account (and I'd never asked to borrow money ever). He said we were in a great relationship and cared about each other very much. Hopefully they could come to accept that. If not he'd still like to keep a good relationship with them. In order to do that they didn't have to love me (although he'd like it if they did) but they at least had to respect us and our relationship. I assured his mom I wasn't out for some fling and that I really cared about him.

They weren't thrilled about us, but they did reasonably accept. They slowly started to warm up to me over time. After about a year together (and about 5 months ago) I became pregnant with twin boys (and yes, we were engaged before that. Haha). That's when they became super OK/warm towards me.
So just talking to them and trying to calm them of their concerns can make a big difference. Really try to work with them and YOU need to be the one to show the effort first. Getting pregnant can be a huge help, but don't do that just for your boyfriend's family. If you're still open and able to get pregnant let them know you're not closed to the possibility if the relationship moves in that direction.
I really hope it works out for you two!

[DermalPunch]

Thanks for sharing this rather intimate and possibly even triggering post.

There are some similarities. His father is deceased and his isn't even remotely over it even five years on. He is very attached to his mother. He is somewhat introverted but very clingy to those who are close to him.

Here's a funny story. His mom is 15 years older than me. She doesn't even want to meet me. All I can glean is that it would be an entire family actively trying to sabotage the relationship.

[DermalPunch]

His mom wants a daughter in law that she can control surely. A seasoned, well traveled divorce (may as well be a prostitute) woman who speaks a different language than she does is absolutely out of the question. And the horror of her precious son having a "used" woman. She's a widow and me I am divorced so she thinks I'm just some horny lady looking to use her son then go back to my husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was leaving an abusive situation. Which here is even frowned upon. How dare she not have the patience and not martyr herself.

I've wanted to be done with this relationship. So has he. But we can't quit each other. It's just a horrible mess.

I can absolutely have kids and I really want twins too. I wish I could just block him and never speak to him again.

But he wants to wedge himself into my life as much as possible. The same question I ask here he asks me too.

Why do you love me? I just can't help it. And it was from the start. The very first time we met on both sides. But of course I wasn't going to hit on some 20 year old. But it just progressed. Everyone around could see it. I'm so happy I met him but I also wish I never did. And it's annoying because he just comes crashing in. I want him there but I want him gone too.

He always wants to find a solution when I just want him to go away (but also never leave). I know I am more than worthy and I could say a whole lot about his people to be honest. And he knows they are a bit off.

He keeps asking me to be patient with him. And I don't even presssure him to change anything. I just continue to stay at my standards and stay unshaken about what is important to me.

I see I've had an influence. Deep in my soul I know he loves me and doesn't want to be without me and vica versa BUT I just don't feel secure that he won't buckle under family pressure when push comes to shove. Kid or no kid.

[mobiusforniner]

You sound like you have a good heart, but you're insecure and lacking confidence. Has he given your any reason to believe he doesn't love or value you?

[DermalPunch]

Outside influences

[msc545]

The heart wants what it wants.

[DermalPunch]

Hearts are ill. Ill hearts want detrimental things.

[msc545]

Not always.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he likes your mature outlook and stable framework around which to structure his life.
Maybe you're similar to his family in ways he can understand but different enough to be an improvement.
If he stays with you, he may be giving up his family so it's worth getting him to think carefully.

[IsoUser]

I'm guessing that he actually has her already cumming twice inside.

[DermalPunch]

We haven't had sex.

[IsoUser]

There's nothing wrong with that, take things as slowly or as fast as you like 😉😍😉

[NathanDavis]

why question it... lol

[DermalPunch]

Because love is the least important thing for a functioning relationship. This is the reality.

[NathanDavis]

what are the most important things in a healthy relationship... if not love?

[DermalPunch]

Timing. Moral compatibility and life goals. Family dynamics. Social acceptance. Money is too. Not high for me really but very important for others.

[NathanDavis]

money is more important than love... in a relationship?

that sounds quite drastic

[AFretiredTXn]

Is it good sex?

[DermalPunch]

No sex before marriage.

[AFretiredTXn]

OK..