I can't seem to make a genuine connection with anyone, and I'm not sure what to do?

[TheSpaceGnome]

I tend to drift away from friends, and finding a girlfriend has felt like an impossible task.
I always feel alone even with friends as company, because I can't relate to them. But I can't find anyone that I can relate to.

Updates

+1 y

To clarify, telling me to change myself, or my interests/hobbies, or my expectations, isn't going to help.

The problem is that I feel like in order to keep hanging out with the people I've met thus far, I can't be myself.

When I be myself, I do the things I enjoy, and they do the things they enjoy, and that naturally results in talking to them less and less over time until it reaches zero.

I have tried my entire life to keep friends who aren't basically me mentally, but it just doesn't work

[wheresmrcunnunglis]

Well, based on what I remember from your responses on questions where it revolved around the topic of what one wants in a partner. Yours was VERY detailed, rigid, and came across as if you wanted to date yourself but just in the opposite sex. You gotta loosen up on 'some' your light no's because no ones perfect.

When it comes to platonic friendship have you tried going on meet-up apps for clubs where the hobby is the same as yours? I've seen fruition in that. Heck, you could even create your own meet up to see if anyone would want to join and if no one does just quietly delete it and try another route. Dont give up!

[TheSpaceGnome]

Please re-read the question. I'm asking what to do to find like minded people, and you are telling me "don't"

It's not helpful.

[wheresmrcunnunglis]

I swear I did and it doesn't say like minded the question shows, " I can't seem to make a genuine connection with 'anyone'..."

And Im definitely not advocating for not finding like minded people. Since we all thrive on being a part of communities, circles, or people who share some of the core values we do and I reflected that in my first paragraph.

Have you tried to be interested in some of what your friends or partners are into in the past? Even if you had no initial interest in it?

[wheresmrcunnunglis]

One thing I learned from my trial and errors is that, I can be me but I need to show people my full personality slowly... pretty much like dating without the romantic goal attached to it. Since whenever I did show my full personality then and there or they did. it always screamed a huge red flag. Understandably so since it came across as if I lacked boundaries or was desperate and no one wants to be near that if they get that impression

[TheSpaceGnome]

Saying I can't seem to make a genuine connection with anyone is the same thing.

I literally say in the initial description its because I can't relate to them, how is that not about likemindedness?

Anyway, my hobbies and interests are direct results of my core values, people with my core values would stand a 90% chance of sharing all of those interests/hobbies, and people who dislike my interests/hobbies stand a 0% chance of having my core values.

"Have you tried to be interested in some of what your friends or partners are into in the past? Even if you had no initial interest in it?"

Yes, its actually what my complaint is about in my question, its what i meant by "i can't be myself".

It causes me to get very bored and feel very alone while they have one sided fun, then I get frustrated that i'm bored, and its what causes me to go do my own thing and stop talking to them.

Then I sit there stressing over how I just wish I could find at least one person who liked the stuff I like.

[TheSpaceGnome]

The only reason people with my hobbies and interests are hard to find is because people with my core values are rare (and reclusive, because the associated hobbies are mostly isolating).

[TheSpaceGnome]

I feel like an engangered species of burrowing mammal thats trying to find a mate, while the other animals say "stop being picky and look in the trees for other burrowing mammals!"

[wheresmrcunnunglis]

As I review my initial reply I realize it came across as overly insensitive and critical. I should have started my initial response by showing sincere empathy for the situation you are currently experiencing. As experiencing indirect rejection whenever one is trying to cultivate genuine connection and belonging in a community, circle of friends, etc. Can be debilitating and attack ones self-esteem. And we all need and deserve to have a place where we feel we belong. That should have been shared before diving into my initial response that most likely came across as overly critical so I apologize for doing this. ( 1)

[wheresmrcunnunglis]

(2) Now to reply: Bruh comes on, anyone is more general than like-minded which is more niche in comparison.
One can create a connection by understanding where another person's standpoint or perspective without holding the same.

You say your hobbies reflect your core values. How does your interest in dinosaurs or video games reflect your core values?

When you showed interest in the other's passions have they not poured back into you by holding space to listen to your interest or passions in return?

I can empathize with how you feel as I have experienced it multiple times which is why I shared my experience in my previous replies within this thread. I know for me slow n steady works as opposed to trying to shoe horn the friendship being cultivated to the level of closeness desired by sharing all of my personality too soon. But I understand it may not be the same for you.

The more you are determined something is one way while still tackling it using the same method the more it will become true. What Im trying to say is, "try a different approach to see if it may yield different results" which you understood given your last reply with the whole mammal analogy you shared but you dont believe that will work. Clearly you dont want to remain in this situation since you're sharing your frustration here so whats stopping you from tackling this from another angle? I dont understand.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You: "(2) Now to reply: Bruh comes on, anyone is more general than like-minded which is more niche in comparison."

Me: That sentence makes no sense whatsoever, so I'm ignoring it.

You: "One can create a connection by understanding where another person's standpoint or perspective without holding the same."

Me: No, I understand lots of people, but I enjoy spending time with none of them. Understanding and liking are not the same thing. I understand lots of things and people that annoy, bore, or digust me.

You: "You say your hobbies reflect your core values. How does your interest in dinosaurs or video games reflect your core values?"

Me: My core values are what created my interests in the first place. For example one of my core values is that assumptions are bad, this created my interest in science, and science lead to my interest in geology, paleontology, astrology, etc, and when combined with other core values, like beauty being important, and biodiversity being more beautiful, of course I want a real jurassic park, or to go see aliens and other planets, and guess what? I can only do that in video games.

Me: Another core value is hedonism is good, another core value is that life shouldn't have purpose, because purpose is a restraint, which gives me more incentive to have fun, and whats fun? Video games, because they are expressions of my core values, a micro universe where everything is as I desire.

Me: Yet another core value is that biodiversity is important (interest in dinosaurs and every other animal pops up again), and yet another is creativity and talent are important (oh look, here comes video games, drawing, composing, science).

[TheSpaceGnome]

Me: If you look at these core values, this is someone who at an early age is going to take an interest in art, science, instruments, wildlife, evolution, technology, this is someone who is going to find the current state of the real world too boring, this is someone who loves fictional joy but hates lies, someone who wants to do and see and experience things he can't, and so they go and live out their fantasies of being in the far past or the far future or defying the laws of physics by playing video games, which is made by art, science, and music.

You: "When you showed interest in the other's passions have they not poured back into you by holding space to listen to your interest or passions in return?"

Me: What? I've only showed interests in other's passions if I share those same passions, otherwise when they yammer on about them I get bored (and then stressed out if I don't leave, because I HATE being bored, oh hey, another core value leading to science, art, video games, etc), and even with my passions, I don't evenvwant to talk about them, I want to do them, and I want someone to do them with, I'm not the type of person who likes to just sit there and talk, I want to do things, practice skills, learn things, create things, not do small talk (oh look another core value that leads to... well you get the idea)

[TheSpaceGnome]

You: "I can empathize with how you feel as I have experienced it multiple times which is why I shared my experience in my previous replies within this thread. I know for me slow n steady works as opposed to trying to shoe horn the friendship being cultivated to the level of closeness desired by sharing all of my personality too soon. But I understand it may not be the same for you."

Me: Thats not the problem I have.

You: "The more you are determined something is one way while still tackling it using the same method the more it will become true. What Im trying to say is, "try a different approach to see if it may yield different results" which you understood given your last reply with the whole mammal analogy you shared but you dont believe that will work. Clearly you dont want to remain in this situation since you're sharing your frustration here so whats stopping you from tackling this from another angle? I dont understand."

Me: Of course you don't understand, the whole point I've been making this entire time us that I can't relate to anyone. First off you cannot change what you like, I'm not looking to change myself or my ways, and the burrowing mammal analogy was meant to point out that advice should involve looking in the burrows, not the trees. ie i can't meet a gaming artist nerd going to places gaming artist nerds don't go.

[wheresmrcunnunglis]

I give up. You're rude as hell and are insistent on believing no self reflection is needed on your part to understand why you keep encountering the same ongoing issue due to your own arrogance.

And anyone and like minded people are NOT the same. They're not even synonyms.

Perhaps a therapist would be better suited to get your answers. But from what's been gleamed from your answers you probably have and felt they offered no value due to them telling you what you didn't want to hear. I'm out. ✌🏾

[TheSpaceGnome]

You are the one who is rude. You blatently ingore portions of what I type, then you get hostile when I point out that what you are saying makes no sense because of it, and to top it off, you insist that to solve the problem, I should ignore it.

Me: I want to be myself and still have someone to relate to.

You: Well fuck what you want, stop being yourself, be fake, otherwise you are the problem.

But I'm the one who's rude? Fuck off.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i get how you feel but dont give up. Take time to yourself and they may come to you

[TheSpaceGnome]

All I ever have these days is time to myself, i hate it :l

[DizzyDesii]

I agree with the update that i find it hard to be friends with people who dont remind me of myself

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yeah Its really nice to have good company while doing what you enjoy.

[Truthatanycost]

You've probably met too many fake people so switch off when around them.

[TheSpaceGnome]

No, they weren't fake, we just didn't agree on much and didn't have the same taste in fun, We drifted apart as friends because we were being ourselves and spending time doing things we enjoyed. This has been the case with lots of friends over the course of my life.

[Midnight_Kiss]

You sound very similar to me, I have a bad habit of being socially distant (even before it was popular) and I've kinda awkward and uncomfortable around people because I overthink everything and every possiblity.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't have that problem, I just can't find people who want to do the kinds of hobbies I enjoy or think like I do.

[Midnight_Kiss]

Then it's possible that it's not you it's what you class as hobbies and interests that's the issue.

[TheSpaceGnome]

my hobbies and interests are me, changing them would just be me acting fake and not enjoying myself.

I want someone I can relate to.

[Midnight_Kiss]

Your hobbies and interests are only a part of you, it is possible to have a relationship or friendship and have different hobbies and interests, in fact it would be quite suffercating if you didn't have thing separate to one another.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't agree, my post was literally me saying that doesn't work.

I'm going to spend my free time on my hobbies and interests, not on things I don't enjoy, and when I do that, I drift away from people as they spend more and more of their time on things that they enjoy, until I stop hanging out with them all together.

[Ruenella_]

When you find an answer, let me know.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Noted.

[Jltakk]

Same, don't know myself.