What do I do when my husband's friends ignore me?

[MimiMaria]

I have been married for almost a year. Whenever his friends come into our home, they ignore me as if I don't exist. When I asked my husband about their behavior, he started to find excuses for them. For example, he said that I was in my room with the door closed, I didn't hear them saying hi or bye, or they didn't mean to do that. But I'm in the same room with them every time, just a few steps away. His friends kept treating me like this for years already. At the beginning of our relationship, we went out on Fridays and Saturdays. My husband was having fun with his friends while I was always sitting on a chair, drinking, and being ignored by everybody.

My husband is American, and I'm Romanian. The majority of his friends are of the same nationality as him or are British. Only his friends from other parts of the planet never ignored me.

I stopped going to parties with my husband or anywhere where his friends might be present. I instead stay at home alone than be treated like garbage. And the more significant issue is that my husband never notices his friend's behavior toward me.

[AmandaYVR]

It's not uncommon for groups to split off based on gender, but if all the get-togethers have no interaction between the opposite sex people, it can slowly erode the group dynamic, and even the couple relationships. Some sidebars are natural and okay, but acting cliquey and exclusionary is not okay.

There's a number of possible reasons for why they don't interact with you. Any of these seem plausible?

• They don't like you, specifically.
• They are sexist, have lots of biases about women, and don't respect them as equals. If the woman is not a potential sexual conquest, or marriage material, they discount them and don't bother spending any time interacting.
• They believe you are off limits to them, because you are their good friend's wife. Instead of risking getting him at all upset with them, they treat you as dangerous goods, and incorrectly believe no interaction is the best policy.
• Is there any language barrier, or cultural barrier, facilitating in-depth communication?

Your husband's reaction to your concerns could be...

• He may know something about how they feel about you, or how they feel about all women in general, but he doesn't want to risk jeopardizing his social circle, so he lies to you, tries to brush it off, as if you are crazy for thinking it.
• There is nothing to say, no information to relay to you. He's oblivious to the subtleties of social dynamics. He believes everything is fine the way it is.
• He's selfish. He likes having his guy time with his friends, and wants a break from time with you, and he doesn't bother to include you, even when he notices they don't. Maybe he thinks the way things are is the compromise, but what he'd really prefer is to have time alone with just the guys.

Whatever the case, it's up to your husband to fix this situation, and make you feel better about things. That may not be forcing them to interact with you. It might mean that this group does't work well together, and if none of these guys are bringing any other women into the group, that having one female amongst this group is too much for them to handle. (Frankly, they sound immature or assholey.) But they should not ignore you, be dismissive, or rude, and they have to know that you are his life partner, and that means something. Icing you out is not okay. Constructively tell him this. Try to work out some sort of arrangement that is acceptable to both of you. It won't be ideal if you are removed from the group activities, and instead spend more time with your girl friends, but when this causes somewhat of a wedge between you and your husband, potentially, it will be on him, not you. You tried. He did not.

[PrettyPriya]

Is this something that happened before you were married? Surely you knew his friends prior to marriage. Did they always treat you like this? I see two problems. One it seems your husband's friends are rude and then two, he isn't helping the situation by not including you more.

Have you communicated this to him at all? If he is finding excuses for his friends behaviours, that is not a good sign. He should be supportive of his wife first and foremost. You need to talk to him about this.

Outside of that, it may be time to seek professional counseling. This could or is destroying your marriage. It needs to stop sooner rather than later. You cannot spend the rest of your life married to someone that enables rudeness. In doing so, he is participating in it.

[DarkWinterNights]

This is something you need to bring to your husbands attention and explain to him how much it bothers you. They probably aren’t doing it on purpose, they just have their own clique and you’re an outsider. Are you the only women? Are any of his friends married or in relationships? Can they bring them to the get-togethers?

[MimiMaria]

I'm not the only woman in the group. Some of them are single, married, or in a relationship.

[Guy13]

That’s a tough one… Lots of people do not realize that the friends are like Family... because they are close to spouse. And it’s like not getting along with family.
And it seems the spouse would defend spouse. No one gets along with all friends and family perfectly. I hope it comes together for you…

[Avicenna]

Your husband needs to handle this. If he doesn't, make friends of your own and spend time with them.

A spouse's friends should always welcome the foreign spouse and befriend her.

[WhitneySnow]

Tell your husband you won’t let his friends come over unless they treat you civilly

[Xtendable]

That doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Sorry you’re going through that. Do you have your own friends?

[KrakenAttackin]

You have probably been bitchy to his friends and/or to him in their presence, and they think he deserves better.

[Staximus]

They probably ignore you because you probably act like you don't want to talk to them

[In_Trance]

What does it matter what his friends do?

[MimiMaria]

You have a good point. But it still hurts.

[NeffexSelfMade]

do you have any idea what is going on right now?

mgtow