A couple wants to marry but outside factors are delaying it. She wants to part and reunite when they can move forward. He doesn't. Who is right?

[DermalPunch]

He is right

She is right

Updates

+1 y

He will be going to find himself for awhile and getting away from his family and friends for a bit. Not me as much but everyone else.

[Prettygurl12]

The female's thought process makes no sense. Marriage isn't a whimsical thing. At the very least, it is a legally binding contract between two people that is extremely difficult to disolve. If you're religious, it is also a vow before God.

If you want to marry someone then no distance, no amount of time, no number of obstacles would stop you.

If you think you want to get married to someone but you thought the time period between now and when you could get married is too great... you don't actually want to marry them.

My husband and I met in middle school. We were best friends until the end of high school when we finally decided to date. I knew on our first date that I wanted to marry him. Did we get married thought away? No. We dated for 5 years - went to different colleges, got our respective degrees - finally got engaged, and then we were engaged for an additional two years before we finally got hitched.

I knew on our first date that I wanted to marry him. But it took 7 years to happen. 7 years is a long time to wait, but I wouldn't change a thing.

[DermalPunch]

I'm glad it worked out but with all due respect our situation is completely different from yours. We are not minors. We have finished school so waiting seven years would be a massive waste of everyone's time.

[Prettygurl12]

I just used my situation as an example. My point is that if you want to marry someone you'd stick out l it out. If you don't want to stick it out you may as well just part ways permanently because you don't actually want to marry him.

The two are mutually exclusive. It is not possible to want to spend your life with someone in marriage AND want to break up.

[AmandaYVR]

Most people who walk away don't anticipate or plan getting back together.

His parents are a problem, aren't they? (I sort of remember a previous q of yours.) That's not an easy one to solve. But I support some independence, and not living for your family. That can be very suffocating.

I can't answer the poll.

[DermalPunch]

Well he flat out told his family that he's going to be with me so they've been giving him hell. Now I know he has my back, I am willing to reason with his mom a bit. Before I would have felt like I was going into it alone. He also has personal issues he wants to work on. Basically he is going through all the same crap I was going through at his age. It's a rough time. So he just wants to do his caveman thing a bit from everyone but me. Me too but a bit less. So, it's a compromise.

[AmandaYVR]

Hmm interesting.
Well, you are a very patient and good woman. He is lucky to have you.
I don't think it's up for us to say whether this is the right or wrong decision. I have no idea whether space is the answer. It more often tends to dissolve relationships, not strengthen them.

[AmandaYVR]

Wow a lot of these comments here are dark.
I saw your reply to Jamie. Good for you. It's your relationship, and they don't all have to be hard and fast, black and white, so fixed. You've both figured out something that works for you, for now, and that's good.

[Andres77]

There are too many unknown variables.

It's not science, it's art. Both might be right, both might be good options. There are ways to make everything work.

Taking a break? I cringe at that phrase. Delaying things and changing the dynamic suggests finding a solution together.

Taking a break, in my opinion, suggests losing accountability to the one I love and... just doesn't seem right.

I'm not taking either side. The side I choose to take is the side of the healthiest option for the long term relationship. I take "their side".

[DermalPunch]

"Delaying things and changing the dynamic suggests finding a solution together." It's more like this. The only reason for separation is to avoid sleeping together since those are our values.

[midnightmoon05]

She is smart enough to want to be the one in control in this relationship. That’s the bottom line.

[DermalPunch]

@midnightmoon05 I don't see it as control but I want it to be mutually beneficial.

[midnightmoon05]

Hahaah… that’s how relationship works.
No one will ever say I want to be in control of the relationship…if you look at how couples work… there is always one that wears the pants.
I also understand the outside factor you are encountering. It’s all good… everything will work itself out in life.

[hahahmm]

99% of the time it means the person who is taking the break wants to find someone better than you. You'd be foolish to wait for them. Only exception would be if you've been doing something you know they don't like and you're willing to fix that ASAP. Within week (s) not months/years.

[DermalPunch]

This is what was going on. They jad mad stuff to sort out and I said it will be too much pressure. You want to make the changes so do it without the pressure of my approval because then it isn't an authentic change.

[DermalPunch]

Not the finding someone better. Fully satisfied.

[hahahmm]

If you give them the impression that you are willing to wait forever they won't change. There has to be some pressure element like, "If I meet someone before you fix your issues I'm moving on" or something. in my opinion.

[DermalPunch]

Yes, did that but people also need a chance. And we aren't off just cooled.

[hahahmm]

Sometimes people only change when they see you're fed up.. otherwise they would happily drag it out for 10+ years. Good luck tho.

[Seinna]

A break in a relationship is a break up. I understand him for not wanting the relationship to end and her for not wanting to be strung along.

If they really want to marry, they can do it legally if they're both adults and have a ceremony when it's more feasible.

[NathanDavis]

if they both want different things when it comes to marriage...

then they are both in the wrong... the best reason to marry someone should be both wanting the same things for each other and with each other, and not going different ways with different expectations

[Wyldsparrow]

It's a personal choice honestly. I'd say if the timing isn't right then maybe they should hold off until it is. 🤷‍♀️

[DermalPunch]

And break up

[Chazmatazz269]

Nobody is “wrong” or “right”. You’re allowed to have different thoughts and feelings on things. It doesn’t need to be adversarial. If they can’t find a compromise that works for them both, in my opinion they should part. There’s going to be some resentment either way, but staying together also creates a power imbalance. They should be honest with themselves about the fact that they’ll likely never marry now. That’s fine. Forcing a marriage all but dooms the relationship anyway.

[DermalPunch]

Did you read the update? What do you think?

[Fireguy17]

Well that seems kind of odd, you want to get married, but break up until you can?
Why not just stay together until you can get married, otherwise you don't seem like you are ready for marriage.

[DermalPunch]

The guy wants to make changes to himself and the girl feels he should be able to do so without being pressured with a big marriage deadline over his head. For peace of mind and authentic change.

[Fireguy17]

As long as it works for both parties then it is just fine.

[AviatorTom]

Why does one person have to be right? This is something that they should work out together. When (and if) to get married is not a competition.

[DermalPunch]

That's what happened in the end.

[AviatorTom]

@DermalPunch That's great news!

[Jessica405]

He is right. Parting company is a prelude to splitting up for good, or at least having sex with someone else.

Why part company anyway? No need to. Just stay faithful.

[Anonymous]

If I were him, I'd move on. If I'm not worth your time without a certificate of ownership, I'm out. You either want to spend your life together or you don't.

[DermalPunch]

No no. We're all in. Look on my profile to get the idea if you want. It isn't a regular situation.

[Opinion Owner]

It's never a regular situation. The fact remains that you either want to spend your lives together or you don't.

[Juxtapose]

You either want to be with me or you don't. A wedding means next to nothing to me, it is a government getting involved in my love life and that is something I detest.

If someone is my true love they don't need a ceremony or a government contract, they could wait for a thousand years (if their lifespan could support that wait hypothetically) for me if they truly loved me and I went missing. Ffs dogs are more loyal than people these days.

[exitseven]

If tow people are in love and a really invested in the relationship they would not "take a break" just because the world id making it a little hard on them.

[roy_ricky09]

Look it's quite simple, there 2 people getting married if they want to and the decision will be yours only. If the person can stand by you now won't stand ever. If he is, go get married, family will come together anyway after some time.

[Wubs3000]

Why tf would you separate just because you can't get married right then. Just wait a bit.

[Sarahplus2]

I think if really want to be with someone you will move mountains to be with them. Taking a break or you are not ready is a cop out.

[DermalPunch]

I agree. But sometimes people need space. Especially if the love was unexpected.

[Weasly]

Why is the break wanted?

[DermalPunch]

Stress from his family's dissaproval. He's young and wants to be more financially stable. It is IMPOSSIBLE to convince decent men here that you are willing to support them through the broke times. Anyway, see the comments we're good.

[midnightmoon05]

I’m sure your strategy will work.

[DermalPunch]

It's not a strategy. I just feel it's the best route. There are a lot of other factors involved as well. You can peep my profile for the saga. LOL.

[midnightmoon05]

I understand your plans.

[DermalPunch]

You do?

[jengeorge26]

Women are always right lol

[DermalPunch]

We aren't but pretty damn close.

[maximumpower]

Move on, girl.
He's not going to get it right for a long time.
There is no incentive to change if you continue to hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Part and do what? What's her reason for parting?

[DermalPunch]

Not to explore other options if that's what you're thinking.
A) less stress and strain
B) avoiding premarital sex since it goes against the couples values but they are humans after all.
C) For him to not get complacent and think she is just going to wait around forever.

She may have some doubts since when men chase they go hard. She doesn't want to be used for the value she brings for someone who isn't going to reciprocate.

[LazerBean]

More details are necessary.

[DermalPunch]

A) less stress and strain
B) avoiding premarital sex since it goes against the couples values but they are humans after all.
C) For him to not get complacent and think she is just going to wait around forever.

She may have some doubts since when men chase they go hard. She doesn't want to be used for the value she brings for someone who isn't going to reciprocate

[LazerBean]

Why not just go ahead get married?

[DermalPunch]

Because family members are meddling on the guy's side. He would rather they begrudgingly accept than be in an all out war. She feels they should just get married since it's they who are wrong and not the couple. So, now she is suspicious of him slightly and thinks his family is an excuse for his own reservations and she doesn't want to be played and used.

[DermalPunch]

He does want to marry yes but you know how it goes.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch If you're that worried about sex, then just stop meeting him in person.

[Jamie05rhs]

Though, I will say, what happens when the relationship goes back to fully 100% active? What's going to stop you from having sex then?

[DermalPunch]

@Jamie05rhs it won't be. He's moving out of his family's house because they've been fighting over his wanting to marry me and other things. So he said he wants to get his life in order. Part of me wants to just be suspicious and perhaps he is off to be with someone but it doesn't seem like that is the case because he has a history of retreating and being with himself when he has troubles so it isn't out of character.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch He's moving out of his family's house... and moving where, exactly?

[Jamie05rhs]

And what won't be?

[DermalPunch]

@Jamie05rhs he is in another house of his family's. Maybe his deceased father's house. He's not stepping out or whatever. Basically, he is taking the advice I gave him way back to just sort himself out. I suggested do it "alone" so he wouldn't feel pressure from me but he doesn't want it that way so we've kind of compromised. I know what needs to be done now.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch Okay

[bamesjond0069]

A break means its over. Never works out where they come back.

[Celticwolf78]

She should be getting what she wants because she needs to be happy

[Jamie05rhs]

He is right.

[DermalPunch]

Well evidently I am because he decided to do the exact thing I advised him to do! 😊 So boom! We aren't broken up but sime distance is needed.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch Oh; okay. Well, I stand corrected, then.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch So what is the current nature of your relationship presently? After this change that has occurred.

[DermalPunch]

Tbh... ot much haha. He's just dramatic. Maybe I am too. Anyhoo, it's established we're together and I'm just doing me and he is doing him together. Fine by me.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch So it's like the Coronavirus slogan. #TogetherApart. Lol

[AmandaYVR]

Jamie, hahahaha. Exactly! Easy peasy presto chango.

[DermalPunch]

@Jamie05rhs well we're lovesick so it's a good idea. Right @AmandaYVR. Also... his mom watched my WhatsApp status today. Which means I'm in her phone as a contact! Not quite sure how to deal with that. She's in mine too.

[AmandaYVR]

Dermal, omg no non no non no no. That ain't right. Ewwww.

[DermalPunch]

@AmandaYVR really!

[DermalPunch]

@AmandaYVR why? https://www. girlsaskguys. com/dating/q4857266-why-would-my-boyfriend-s-mom-who-disapproves-of-me-watch-my-stories

[Jamie05rhs]

@DermalPunch She has your number but you never gave it to her?

[DermalPunch]

@Jamie05rhs he called her from my phone. She evidently saved the number. I saved hers too so I am. jist as bad I guess 🤷‍♀️. So now she knows it's me he was with because my statuses are in Enish and she knows I'm Canadian... . I don't think she will keep watching my stories but he did that on purpose.

[Jamie05rhs]

"So now she knows it's me he was with because my statuses are in Enish and she knows I'm Canadian... . I don't think she will keep watching my stories but he did that on purpose."
I don't understand this part. Can you explain, please?

[DermalPunch]

He called from my phone because, poor thing, she will call his phone down like he has been missing at sea and he wanted to return her call but his phone was dead. So she saved the number. Since I added her and she looked at my status and saw that was in English, she knows the phine he called from was mine since she calls me "The Canadian".

[Jamie05rhs]

Ohhhh. I see. So their first language isn't English.