“What are your deal MAKERS?”
This question is inspired by one of the beautiful answers from my “losing interest” question.
Spiritual / religious compatibility. If that falls apart, everything else does too. What someone willingly becomes blind to, will make putting everything else in life in context impossible.
From there, that will inform her political positions. The closer hers can match mine, or I can bring her around to understanding mine if not adopting mine, the better.
If she respects my family, that's also a must. They're not perfect; but don't disregard their concerns like they mean nothing. Because how much can I then possibly mean?
I also need to know that she's fully committed to me as I am to her. And reliable. And honest. And when she says she'll do something, she means it.
She knows when to take the lead, and when to let me do so. She's organized. Very, very organized! That value cannot afford to be half-baked! If she's also street smart, that's a plus. Because I'm not the most street-savvy. I have a body like a washed-up former athlete who let himself go a little. But I have the mind of a dodgy professor 20 years beyond my actual age.
I'm more of a deal breaker not a deal maker in this issue, as in things that remove interest matter to me more than things I enjoy.
Believing what the right wing media is spewing is a sure sign that they are lacking in the brain, and intelligence is sexy to me, so racists are a general no-no for me.
By intelligence I don't mean academics, the general ability to think for themselves and the ability to notice bullshit and deduce fact from fiction is what I like.
What does family look like? How was your mother and father like with you? Did you grow up in a stable environment? Was your father neglectful? Do you like the idea of being a parent some day? Do you agree with values and beliefs that are considered "the norm"? How do you treat people who are different from you? Do you care about people who are similar to you? Are you individualistic?
Are you religious? What religion and why? Are you low on impulse control? Are you good with money? Can you plan for the future? Are you a disagreeable person? Are you emotional?
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Obviously, I wouldn't care about each question exactly but I would assume that certain things would tell me what I need to know such as the way a guy looks and how he acts. I have no interest in wasting my 20s with the wrong guy. Theses aren't exactly deal breakers but definitely red flags depending on the answers. I wouldn't care about half of these questions if the guy grew up in a cold area/country.
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I need to know their goals. They don’t even have to be set goals at all I just need to know they have them. I have to know u want to grow too. They also have to be adventurous, it won’t work if not.
What are yours?
Business owner and wedding dress designer
Follow up.
What?
Opinion
37Opinion
1) Does he want kids in the future?
2) Does he want to get married in the future?
If the answer is yes to these 2, then I walk out. 🤷🏻♀️
Why?
Okay. I can understand no kids. What's wrong with marriage?
Nothing wrong with marriage. I just don’t like the idea of spending money on a ceremony for people who might not even care about my happiness. I rather spend that money on things that will bring me and my partner joy. The second reason is because I don’t like the idea that if he ever changes his mind, he will feel tied to me. So if his feelings change, he can simply be honest and leave. I think marriage is one of those imaginary chains people use to remind themselves that there is a commitment, they forget that love, patience and respect are the real commitment to that person, not a marriage ceremony… I know it sounds crazy but I believe more in emotional connection and physical attraction before marriage or kids.
This 👆🏻👆🏻
Would you consider a civil (city hall) ceremony before an official, or simply living together "in sin"?
I would prefer living together with my partner. Luckily I’m not religious so the thought of living “in sin” doesn’t affect me 😄🤷🏻♀️. I’m simply not interested in signing papers and ceremonies. I think my commitment to him shows with my actions and attention towards him everyday, if that is not enough then he can leave. 😊
I agree with you.
I like that phrase "deal-makers" 👌
When she adds to your sarcasm and dark humor so it builds up to more laughter, especially in public.
When she shares her perspective in a way that builds you up and adds to your own or completely alters it for the better.
When she is genuinely interested to learn about your likes, hobbies and things that excite you. You can tell this because before you grow silent from past rejection she is like "tell me more" 😀.
When she wants you just as you want her without fear, doubt or reluctance.
When she keeps her promises especially in regards to intimacy.
The most important to me is, their intention. I had so many guys, trying to lie their way in my pants, I'm so disgusted and like bevor going anywhere, I need a "prove" that his intentions are honest. My ex for example was determined to treat me with respect and he showed by his words and actions and I still believe he really tried.
Other then that, his understanding of family is important to me
And like I have my traumas and I need to know if he can relate to some stuff... I once dated a guy who never had any bigger problems in his life (it's great for him!) But we couldn't really talk to each other, cause we couldn't relate and he couldn't understand where I was coming from, my views on life and also the other way around... it just didn't fit
Well I'm waiting for marriage so they have to accept that and I don't plan on doing anything sexual on the side.
I also need to make sure he isn't a douche. Like has this really nasty personality and extremely negative.
Make sure I am his equal and he respects me.
Doesn't have really bad habits. Isn't really bad with money because I like saving money.
Deal makers...
He went to college.
He is working a job he has a lot of passion in and he's happy.
He's a good man (these are things I can tell over time about his character)
He's hardworking and considerate.
He's not afraid to cry in front of me.
This last one is random but when he's protective. It's just so sexy 🤭😍
Forgot to add that God has to be important in his life.
I look for a few things aside from the obvious like physical and emotional attraction:
1) Are we on the same level religiously? I work as a pastor and I take our religion seriously.
2) Is she generally polite to people?
3) Does she appreciate music? I am a semi-professional church organist, she has to put up with my music. If she enjoys it, even better but I'm happy if she at least doesn't hate it.
4) I also try to look for matching love languages. I myself am mostly phyiscal touch, so I look for someone who matches that and would love to cuddle up and do nothing with me.
Personally, I look for their flaws first. People tend to put their best foot forward on the first few months of dating. If they cannot even disguise their flaws on the first few dates, you can be sure that there will be no second date or further investment of my time. I have done online dating for many years and I have come across guys who were inconsiderate, overly blunt to the point that it is disrespectful, too sexual, mansplaining. These severe flaws alone can explain why someone would be single in the first place.
Here is my list of what I need to know about a woman before we move from dating to boyfriend/girlfriend:
- Her view on Jesus. I will ONLY date a Christian woman. Any kids I have need to be raised right. I will observe over time if she stays true to her faith, but from the jump I need to know she at least believes in Jesus.
- How she views and treats animals.
- If she works out or not. I need someone interested in their health. I prefer it if she outlives me.
- How she treats those inferior to her.
- If she is confident enough to not question everywhere I go or who I hang out with or talk to.
Some of the things I try to find out are the following.
Does she want a family
Is she open to marriage
Are our morals and values the same or similar
Does she have a sense of humor or at least the kind of humor that meshes with my own
what kind of person is she
is she nurturing
is she kind hearted
Do we have any in common, what are our differences
Is there a connection is there chemistry
Does she value and respect my time because it is finite
do we want the same or similar things for the future.
is family important to her
can she cook
does she know how to use basic life skills
stuff like that
What are her goals. I don't need a written plan🤣 but relationships work better if 2 people are on the same page in the direction their lives are heading. I need sense of her views on money matters. As a finance professor once said to me in college, "divorce and money problems go together like 🤞. I have to get a really good sense of her values. It's not going to work if we're too far apart on values. And I'm not going to grill her about every guy she's dated but I'd like to know when she says, "I love you" that I'm not guy #139 she's told that to. The word kind of loses it's meaning if you bestow it on EVERYONE.
The travel thing is probably one - or at least, do they want to be settled where they are, or are they open to relocating (I travel a lot, but I could also happily settle down - just not where I am right now).
And obviously children is the other big one, since I don't want them, and most women do.
Everything else is negotiable.
I think I would want to know so much it is best I don't ask anything and just take information with the right timing xD
Perhaps that they go into relationships with a full heart and dares to risk themselves. I think the past can bring up a lot of worries for future encounters but I thought maybe it is not fair to let an entirely new individual have to be in any way related to past incidents. So to always be willing to give it your all no matter what and then beautiful chapters can be made.
Id need to know:
1. Her body count.
2. Her mother and father. (I'll probably take them out somewhere to get to know them, separate from her as parents can act differently Infront of their children)
3. Her age.
Kind regards,
DoctorSex
Not a lot really, as a lot of things will have been sorted before you get to partner stage, that’s what dating is for, then initial relationship, it’s a good bit before you class them as your partner.
Sense humour, emotional connection, how close we are in compatibility,
Been there, done it, blew it.
I need to know how they act and behave when they've been hurt by someone. Because that shows a person's true character. If he's vindictive and a vengeful person, I lose interest. That shows he's very immature. You can only know this over time though.
not wanting kids is a big one for me, if a girl is dead set on having kids i’m just not the guy for her. What her job and schedule is like in general, I've had relationships that just didn’t work out because our lifestyles just didn’t match. If we actually have fun hanging out together and i could imagine being around her on a consistent basis. Her attitude and how she handles herself in bad moods or situations.
bot sharing my faith.. i'll never be in a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian. i can date meaning getting to know but i will convince him on my faith and if he won't believe in my God and get converted even if we are compatible or happy with each other's company it's a deal-breaker
Jesus is the most LITERALLY the most important figure in my life because i know he is real. i know it sound harsg and crazy but i have my own valid reason why i am like this.
I my case I wanted to know if my now husband was in the same page as me and wanted the same for the future which is having a serious relationship with the intention of getting married in the future, grow old together, have babies and be there for each other no matter how ugly things get.
U need to know what they have been through in there past relationships , and how there past relationships ended and of course make sure there disease free , and do they want kids or marriage in the future or not etc.. and ask them where they see themselves 10 years from now. Find out that kinda stuff etc.
If you mean deal makers and not deal breakers, I would like to know if she is interested in board games. That is my favorite hobby and it would surely increase my interest in her. Also if she wants to have kids and raise a family. If she initiates affection sometimes. If she thinks prenuptial agreements are reasonable that would increase the chances of marriage in the future, but I am okay with never getting married if she doesn't approve of a prenuptial agreement.
They're reliable, trustworthy, and competent. And we love each other deeply.
I'm not sure what that looks like, yet, tbh. Haven't encountered it yet.
Deep love with a reliable, competent, and trustworthy person.
The men I'd partnered with before loved me more than I loved them.
Now that I know I don't want to date cishet men, it'll be much easier to find someone I really truly can love.
But the challenging part will be finding someone reliable, trustworthy, and competent.
Neither of my previous (cishet white boy) partners had any of those traits, despite thinking they did.
I've learned I can't lower my standards or expectations. I just have to accept most men will be incapable of meeting them (no big loss for me), and I'll need to be highly selective in who I date.
I'm okay with that. Beats dating more dead end white boy losers.
1. If they're open minded about food - I want my partner and I to try new dishes together.
2. If they're able to both stay home and chill or get dressed up and go somewhere fancy or go for a hike.
3. Who they admire.
4. If they don't one up something I show them.
Ask him what are the limits after which he would think the marriage is in problem.
Ask him what does he think his responsibilities are as far as being head of the house/family is concerned.
What is "family" to him? Just you and him and possibly kids or the extended family, at least the immediate extended family like parents and siblings on either side.
Really good points here.
That they are not using you for money An gifts they are not a thief or there not a cheater who cheats behind your back they are not a beater who beat you an say you made me beat you I had an ex who liked to see me in physical pain during love making by pouring hot wax on my body have a few scars from that girls mean pleasures
That is so evil. What a sadist. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Do you have a girlfriend or more importantly , a wife? There s lot of guys who lead double lives. They’re not serious about marriage nor a not concerned whether or not they hurt someone.
Watch out for signs like being evasive.
Who many girls have had their boyfriends cheating with their best friend? Careful ladies.
Her outlook in life and relationships, this one is weird but: Her Weaknesses. So I can learn to cope with it or if she has self-control and last but not least her attitude towards men, dating etc.
u Their views/opinion on marriage, kids, abortion, SW, drugs, drinking, mental health, physical health, kink, just to name a few things. We’ve got to have similar/the same morals and wants, otherwise we’ll clash too much.
I think core beliefs need to be the same or similar.
But I think things you like to do... or 'likes' can be different because each can learn new things. It's fine if they don't have all the same likes anyway. Couples should do some things separately sometimes.
Okay, I'm a guy so some of this may seem male brain.
1. Attraction: if there is none there why are you in a relationship.
2. Likes: what I mean is do you both go to church or are you both republican stuff like that.
You need to find common ground besides everything you do revoling around one specific thing. If this makes sense then cool glad that I helped.
she's a great cook.
she's unemployed or under employed.
She works out and eats healthy.
Yes. I only date women who are inclined to traditional roles. Usually women who dont have a job are doing something... often things like taking care of family or something. Thats highly attractive.
I greatly prefer a woman who can focus at home not split duties.
Similar beliefs, kind/respectful to everyone, honest, has a stable job, if they're open to marriage, and if they if they want kids.
Beliefs
Sexual compatibility
kids & parenting
lifestyle (both homebody or social)
financial stability
If you can make me laugh and hold a long ass convo about nothing really important
Intellectual curiosity is a big deal.
are you a good fit in intellect and life perspective.
future goals.
Further as in Engaged : credit, criminal, medical eval and records...
I don't have deal makers. Just deal breakers. I am very open-minded. She doesn't have to conform to a specific factory mold. As long as she doesn't have what I DON'T want, she's good!
It is what her values are and how closely they are to mine.
That there is willingness to bond and bonding is taken seriously.
Are they empathetic? Do they have a good sense of humor?
these two are my main big ones
Also if they are open minded in the bedroom heh 😏
Point of views on everything that's important and relevant to any sort of decision-making in the future.
Personally, a person's professional and personal goals and how well they align with each other are quite essential to know.
Make sure there's no mental issues like your own that will collide possibly with religion or non-religion
The most important thing to me is the person's personality. Are they caring , sweet, genuine, loyal , funny
Do they want kids and marriage? No? Goodbye.
The main thing is that they make an effort and reciprocate
I'm looking for my complement, my BFF, like-minded, smart, funny, caring, self-deprecating, honest, loyal and trustworthy. Other stuff is gravy!
Their political and religious views, their outlook on money and lack of it, if they've been with a lot of people or not, and if they have good communication in the relationship
She doesn't want to give birth and she wants sex before marriage.
1. Do they respect me
How to test... does she make food when you want her to.
I think my deal breaker would be breaking promises without acceptable reasons.
If he wants anal cause I do.
m I need to know they are genuine...
If she's a Christian.
The list is pretty long...
Never say never.
For sex yes
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