Am I the one in the wrong?

[ChemGal]

My 45 year old boyfriend and I (38) have been together three years.. lived together for a little over two years now.

He gets his 12 year old son every other week. He is a great father. I totally understand and commend him for spending the time he does with his son.

However, it’s like when he doesn’t have his son, I have a loving and caring boyfriend. But, when he does have his son, I don’t have a boyfriend at all.

When ever he has him, it’s like I don’t exist. He doesn’t try to include me in what they’re doing. Whether it be around the house or them taking off every day for hours.

They went to get dinner today. He only bought his son and himself dinner. They played ping pong and raced cars for about 4 hours. I was tired, I worked all day. He got an attitude because I was laying down at 11 at night, when they were done. He wanted to have sex.

To me if he can’t show me any affection or give me a few minutes of his attention, then why does he expect Im going to be all over him when he’s ready.

I can’t say that to him because his response is always.. that’s what he’s supposed to do because it’s his kid..

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[itsJay]

Hmm, I think the problem here roots from a question of commitment. 12 years old is still a very impressionable age. He must be cautious of bringing another mother figure into his life, because as much reason as you have for avoiding marriage at the moment-- that's what you would ultimately become for his son to some degree.

I can only assume that the distance is built from uncertainty. You're both at a matured age and have been together for three years. It's not necessarily a time to be changing partners on a whim; I'm sure you two are taking your relationship seriously.

It's not really about who is in the wrong. I think it's just a complicated situation. What is needed is certainty that you two are really staying together. That doesn't have to be marriage, it's just an understanding between the two of you. You've got to really get to that point, and I think by then, he'll be more willing to let you into his son's life.

Best of luck to you 💜

[ChemGal]

I agree. I guess it’s more he makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong by not being all over him after he’s basically ignored me all night. After waiting at home for an hour and a half I had to go the store and get myself something to eat.

Would that change if we got married? It’s like every other week I’m his roommate.

[itsJay]

I don't think it's really a question of being married. You can feel 100% committed to someone without the need for a marriage certification. That's why I think this is more of an uncertainty issue.

I saw you mention in the other person's comment that you aren't in a rush to get married because you want to make sure it's right. Does that mean you are still not sure if this guy is worth committing to? And if so, do you think he feels the same about you?

Knowing the answers to those questions and finding the certainty to improve them, I think, is the key to solving this problem.

To answer the trivial circumstance you mentioned, I don't think the time he commits to his son should warrant a discourse between you two outside of that time. If you're tired and want to sleep, that's perfectly fine. But if you're rejecting him out of spite of committing to the time he has with his son-- I think that's not a good reaction.

[josephinelcajon]

Have you tried talking to him. And maybe suggest you all go do something?

[ChemGal]

Several times.. I’ve learned to just let it be. It’ll be an argument. I’m too sensitive.. I’m too emotional.. I did something a year ago.. and so on..

I think the individual above is correct.. I’m unsure if I want to continue a relationship if this is how it’s going to be for the next 6-7 years every other week.. he thinks I’m being spiteful and rejecting him for the time he commits to his son.

After three years he should know whether he sees a future that includes us.. his actions tell me he doesn’t.. he has uncertainty which leads me to question a lot

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

Living together, unmarried?

THIS isn't THE NINETIES, ANYMORE

[ChemGal]

Don’t see what that has to do with my question but, I’m in no rush to get married. I’ve never been married and want to make sure it’s right.

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

It is not ok to live together, unmarried

[ChemGal]

That’s your opinion. I understand that. I’ve known lots of friends that rushed into marriage and most of them are divorced. If we’re going to be together forever, then what’s the rush.

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

Yet you're together, unmarried

That is fucked up