Which cheater do you think is worse?

[CelineBV]

I just got back from reddit, reading about both the wife's and husband's versions.

The wife's version:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xu9wga/i_feel_my_husband_m_40_is_likely_cheating_now_and/

She cheated with the guy's best friend when she was a 19 year-old college freshman. They were boyfriend and girlfriend and he catches them in his own house. He literally walked in on them. She gets forgiven and years later the guy still marries her.

The husband's version:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xwvpg0/i_cheated_on_my_wife_and_im_nervous_dont_know_how/

He cheats 20 years later (the guy is now 40 years old) when they already have 3 kids (their oldest child is 14 years old) and been married for 15 years. His cheating is unrelated to her cheating. He cheats because he's having a mid-life crisis and wanted to see what it was like being with another woman. He cheated with his co-worker, ended up loving the other woman but finds out she was using him for money. During the time he was cheating he would be drunk in front of their kids.

Which cheating is worse to you, cheating as a 19 year-old girlfriend and getting caught with the guy's friend or cheating as a 40 year-old man married with 3 kids and coming home drunk?

19 year-old cheating on her boyfriend with his best friend

40 year-old man with 3 kids cheating on his wife with co-worker

Updates

1 y

Both of them got forgiven. The woman wants to stay with him and work on the marriage, took him back.
However, the consequences for the woman would've been a break-up and losing the boyfriend. Meanwhile the consequences for the man would've been a divorce, division of assets, breaking up a family and his kids hating him.

[Vesuvius87]

Definitely cheating as an older person in your marriage with kids involved. His position is at stake with more to lose than just losing a relationship.

All the girl did is killed a relationship and a friendship between her husband and the friend. If he had refused to reconcile, she would've just lost a relationship but still move on with her life and eventually learn not to ever cheat.

Meanwhile the husband is either in the process of destroying or has already destroyed a family. The kids will forever grow up messed up. That's definitely not something he can easily move on and learn from. If the wife had refused to reconcile, that would've cost him a divorce, division of assets, destruction of a family and possibly losing his kids. That's no where equivalent to just a break-up.

[SoftCliff]

Such gross humans...

Both are equally bad. Cheating is always wrong and immoral no matter where it comes from. If the relationship doesn't go the way you expected, you can talk it out with your partner in a civilized way.

[CelineBV]

I feel terrible for their 3 kids involved. They are innocent from those two worthless trashs.

[SoftCliff]

Same here

Thank you for MHO

[JustinTheGreat]

Cheating is cheating. If you cheat, you’re a piece of shit either way.

however if I have to choose, cheating on someone you’re married and have kids with is worse. It’s easy to break up and move on from someone who cheated on you when you’re 19. But to cheat on someone who’s the parent of your kids is a whole different kind of low. You’re not only breaking your partners heart but your kids are involved with the whole mess too.

[CelineBV]

Yeah cheaters are cheaters. They suck.
But yes the guy should've walked away easily at that time when he got cheated on. It was just a girlfriend and no kids at the time. All he had to do is dump her and never speak to her again. Simple
The woman this time has it complicated with marriage and 3 kids. You can't just easily break up and move on with your life with 3 kids involved.

[Oigit]

Both are bad. But the one where a parent cheats with their kids friend tops both. Because that is pretty much salt in the wound for the kids who are already in the middle of that.

[CelineBV]

Indeed, that one would also be disgusting. I can't believe the amount of selfishness and self-gratification there is in the human mind. Unbelievable.

The guy in the story ended up getting used for money. The co-worker (his affair partner) didn't even like him. lol

[Danielle93]

Well lets see the girl killed both a relationship and a friendship between two men. She was a girlfriend at the time and he could've broken up. Meanwhile the guy is now much older, shares a life, a house, assets and has kids with her. He is/was actively destroying his marriage and family.

Regardless of much she disrespected him 20 years ago, what the guy is doing is worse now since there are kids involved. He isn't a young college kid anymore. He's a grown ass man with responsibilities.

[ShellyB]

Based on what is written here, the guy cheating is way way way worse b/c he is older and should know better and there are kids, and he is also getting drunk, I mean how did anybody vote that the girl's cheating was worse seriously?

As for the girl, yeah that was bad, but she was 19 not 40. I did some really stupid things when I was 19, not that, but other super dumb things, even now at 25 I think I know better let alone at 40 with kids.

[Danielle93]

This basically. I feel destroying a family and your kids (married men have no business going out clubbing and coming home drunk with kids around) is more serious than just killing a relationship you can easily break up.

[Anonymous]

You can say they're unrelated, but I bet he never truly got over the way she treated him all those years ago and it made it a lot easier for him to cheat when the opportunity came up. In reality I see his wife as having started it when they were 19 and he finally reached his breaking point and figured she did it, so can I.

[CelineBV]

Could it likely he also guessed correctly that his wife would take him back? The woman took him back too. Well I guess she had no option and couldn't be a hypocrite.

[CelineBV]

after the way she totally disrespected him, the relationship and his house long ago; then was still lucky to be forgiven (most men would've dumped her and never spoken to her again)... then she can't really ask for more

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly.
At 40 years old with 3 kids and having been together for 15 years I bet their relationship was pretty stressed and almost non-existent by that point. Also don't forget, Once a cheater, always a cheater. I bet his wife didn't just cheat with his friend when they were 19, I bet she's had many affairs since but doesn't get caught anymore. I'm not saying that what he did was right but I bet that marriage is a bigger mess than anyone knows and they're basically just together for the kids and because it's the best thing financially for both of them. I doubt she gives a shit that he cheated at all.

[CelineBV]

I'm further analyzing this. It looks like the man was the type that never had too much options with women. These are the two dead giveaway he tells in his story:
- His wife (then girlfriend) met him as a 20 year-old shy, virgin. The thing is when men are virgins, most of the times it isn't out of choice like women.
- The woman he didn't with doesn't even like him. This is what he found out she thinks about him:
''You mean (my name), oh that beta idiot. I took more than $6000 out of him in those 4 months. He's a total simp. Yo I telling u, tell him Santa Clause is coming to town and he'll believe you. He ain't got no clue about women. I'm glad he ended our affair. I was getting bored anyways.''

He probably took advantage of his only single opportunity but now that she used him as an ATM (called him a simp, which is what he really is and always have been), he has no option but be back with his wife, the only woman that at least doesn't dump him. In his mind, now he's probably thinking something is better than nothing.

[CelineBV]

The trashy wife is low quality and no decent man would ever take her so she just continue settles with Mr Beta Provider, the simp.

[EaterPeter]

None in my opinion. They both have their reasons. As silly they may sound they must be genuine to them. Human mind is a strange organ. It doesn't stay same once altered may it be alcohol drug affairs whatever it may be. In a way young girl may not know any better. Sexual frustration kinks make people do things they may regret.

[CelineBV]

Yeah both seem to have different reasons. The girl was supposedly, young, stupid and immature with raging hormones. The man was having a mid-life crisis and never got to be with another woman in his life, his wife met him as a virgin.
Yet the people on reddit were a lot harsher on the man than on his wife. His story received a lot of hatred from that site.

[Jamie05rhs]

All cheaters are equally bad, no matter the gender and no matter the circumstances.

[CelineBV]

You should've seen what the other woman the guy cheated with even thinks of him. This is what the guy saw on his phone:
''You mean (my name), oh that beta idiot. I took more than $6000 out of him in those 4 months. He's a total simp. Yo I telling u, tell him Santa Clause is coming to town and he'll believe you. He ain't got no clue about women. I'm glad he ended our affair. I was getting bored anyways.''

Wow, LMAO. Not even his affair partner likes him. Sounds like those two cheaters are a match after all. Maybe it might not be such a bad idea for them to have each other as life partners. No decent, assertive man is going to accept a low quality woman like that and no decent, faithful woman will accept such a man that cheats and has no self-respect for himself.

[CelineBV]

In this case, I guess they're both similar and like attracts like.

[Jamie05rhs]

@CelineBV They're all trash.

[CelineBV]

The only real victims in the story of those two trash are the 3 innocent children. It makes me wonder what they'll become like when they're adults.

[Jamie05rhs]

@CelineBV Yeah; that really is the sad part.

[Anonymous]

The young girl is worse.
She is cheating because she is looking for greener grass. she is in an emotional sexual thing with more than one person.

A married man is likely just having sex because it was offered and like most married men… he never gets any at home. He isn’t emotionally invested.

[CelineBV]

Actually he's been cheating for 4 months and his post he stated catching feeling, loving the other woman until he found out she was using him for money, lol.

[CelineBV]

An emotional affair was also involved in the guy's story.

[Opinion Owner]

No, it can be but we can have sex without any emotion Involved.

[CelineBV]

I feel sad for those 3 children being raised by those two cheaters. I can't imagine the awkward conversation if one of their kids suffer a heartbreak and get cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Both. Most people wouldn't even think to make the extra effort it takes to cheat, so anyone who does it at any time in their life is just human garbage

They're both stupid because you should never get back with someone who can cheat on you or you can cheat on. There are many incompatible couples broken up who still would never cheat on each other so it's like the worse getting even worse

[CelineBV]

I was laughing at what the guy's affair partner even thinks of him. The other woman doesn't even like him. This is the message the guy claims he found on his cell:
''You mean (my name), oh that beta idiot. I took more than $6000 out of him in those 4 months. He's a total simp. Yo I telling u, tell him Santa Clause is coming to town and he'll believe you. He ain't got no clue about women. I'm glad he ended our affair. I was getting bored anyways.''

So much for his effort. He gained nothing out of it. Unlike the trashy woman (at least the friend must have liked her physically) the woman didn't even find him attractive. He got used lol.

[CelineBV]

The former cheater took him back too, just like he took her back 2 years ago. I just she had no option. She had to return the flavor or else she would've been a hypocrite.

[CelineBV]

**20 years ago

[SlothySlob]

Personally, neither are forgivable. But out of the two, an older person with kids who cheats is worse in my eyes, because kids.

[CelineBV]

The wife took him back. I guess she had no choice since she can't ever claim the high ground after what she did and that horrible scene. I think she realize it would've been hypocritical if she chose not to forgive.

[SlothySlob]

Some people can make it work after all this, but I know I wouldn't be able to. If they remain a happy family, more power to them, but a part of me believes their happy little family life is going to crumble real fast.

[TroyDT2]

The guy, simply because he is married, so has a formal vow that he has broken, and three children who are likely to be confused and hurt and perhaps scarred for life.

[CelineBV]

It's sad the only victims there are those poor, innocent 3 children. They'll likely have loose morals as adults and either continue the toxic cycle of cheating with friends' partners or with co-workers.

[dustybiker]

The 40 yr old most likely did both and a lot in between.

[CelineBV]

I'm still not convinced that it wasn't partially to get back at her. I think during the cheating he might have thought ''well she cheated, had her fun, so can I''.

[dustybiker]

Eh. Could be. But I think it takes a cheater to think it vs actually think it and go through with it.

[Chazmatazz269]

Ell oh ell! Biased much?
Cheating is cheating. Neither is more righteous than the other. You have a serious mental defect if you believe otherwise.

[RavVid]

Nominally forgiven but not forgotten I'd guess. She cheated first and set the scene.

[Vesuvius87]

I agree but he cheated way too late, at the wrong moment and wrong time. If the woman was a mean hypocrite and wanted to screw him by not forgiving, he would be losing it all through a divorce. His current position was more at stake than when that woman was 19 years old.

[RavVid]

@Vesuvius87 I agree that it was ill-advised to cheat in a vulnerable position of having three children and not good to do that too kids. I would also agree that cheaters are crap so both husband and wife are. There is also a chance that not all his children are his children.

[VanguardTitan]

I can't choose, both are horrible. In my eyes cheating is just horrible regardless and can never be forgiven.

[CelineBV]

The interesting part of the story of both got hurt in the worst way. The guy got hurt by seeing the cheating, the very act, the physical part. Meanwhile the woman got more hurt by the emotional part, the husband loving the other woman too. The woman would've preferred if it was just sex and not a long affair with bonding attached.
It's interesting how the genders get hurt by cheating differently. For you men it's the physical cheating but for us it's the man loving another woman.. emotional cheating.

[CelineBV]

Both got taken back. The wife took him back and decided to work on their marriage. Then again, she probably did it because she can't claim the high ground. The guy get over what he saw and still took her back so she probably owe him that favor too.

[VanguardTitan]

That does seem to generally be how people react.

[VanguardTitan]

Good for them for forgiving each other but i could never do that. If my partner cheated, they're done, no explanation nothing, just gone.

[CelineBV]

I find it interesting the way they found out was different. She got caught in the act and the guy actually came forward and confessed it all. Then again, he was going to get caught eventually... the wife was on the process collecting evidence but he prefer confessing than getting caught.
I think confessing at least is better than getting caught.

[VanguardTitan]

Confessing would be a tad better yes.

[CelineBV]

Omg this must be embarrassing. Even the other woman finds the guy pathetic. This is what she thinks about him (base on what the guy in his story is telling about the text he found coming from her):
''You mean (my name), oh that beta idiot. I took more than $6000 out of him in those 4 months. He's a total simp. Yo I telling u, tell him Santa Clause is coming to town and he'll believe you. He ain't got no clue about women. I'm glad he ended our affair. I was getting bored anyways.''

[Anonymous]

both are bad they're both pieces of shits and extremely toxic

[CelineBV]

When I first read the woman's post, I originally had some sympathy for the poor man. Then I read the man's post and he has a nasty attitude and seems like a bully too. No wonder he can't attract any other women and was a virgin when the cheater met him.
The wife took him back and wants to work on their marriage. Then again, what man is going to accept her with that history. She sticks to her cheating beta and he sticks to the only woman that at least giving him the time of the day I guess, lol.
Sounds like they're the perfect match for each other. I guess they're soulmates lol.

[CelineBV]

The people at that reddit site hated that guy so much. No one that replied to his post seem to even like him.

[CelineBV]

On top of that it makes sense she took him back. She doesn't have the high ground and if she had refused to forgive, she would've been a total hypocrite. lol

[Nikki1989]

Both are as bad as each other.

[CelineBV]

Yet both got taken back. He took her back at the time and now the wife decided to forgive and work on their marriage.

[elizamichale1]

I think the 2nd is worse

[Twalli]

Why do you assume the kids would hate him?

[CelineBV]

The male poster on another follow-up post mentioned their oldest child is upset with him because of the times he would come home drunk.

[Twalli]

Which is an entirely separate thing. Also if the girl only stopped because he caught her, she's worse.

[CelineBV]

yeah, while supposedly (base on her story) she kept her promise of not ever cheating again... she's just scared of getting caught again. Doesn't sound true remorse.
The man doesn't sound that great either. If they have 3 kids, coming home drunk is a bad example. I don't know if the guy is much better. He only confessed because he knew the wife was suspecting (it takes a former cheater to catch another cheater; they're very good at detecting lies) and would've gotten caught sooner.

[Twalli]

The difference is he ended his affair and told her. She was caught by him. It's possible that she would have ended it and confessed eventually, but that didn't happen which means what would have happened doesn't matter. He also showed true regret for what he did because he actually told her, even if she was suspecting it, she didn't know it. He probably wasn't suspecting it until he saw her with his friend, at which point he knew.

[BJP21]

If there are kids involved hands down way worse.