What are your experiences of power imbalances in your relationships?

Question

Who usually has the most power in your relationships, you or your partner? What are the signs that one has more power than the other? Sexual market value like attractiveness or finances, youth vs older? Do either of the two of you abuse this power? or is it more so an unspoken understanding that the one with the most power could find someone else easily if they wanted to? Does this power affect how the less powerful one treats the more powerful one (because of worrying that they'll leave)?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I'm in a close relationship right now that does have a power imbalance as I'm quite a bit older, have an established career, and am fairly financially successful while he's quite a bit younger than me, is in graduate school, doesn't have an established career, and makes very little money.

This was a problem when we first started dating. He really was proud of me and wanted to support me, but he also was intimidated that I was making so much more than him (There were also times I wanted to go on major really fun trips with him but he said no because it made him feel bad that I was going to be paying for both of us to go). I took this a little personally at the beginning, but I eventually decided to try to understand where he's coming from and how he feels before I took it too personally. I eventually came to understand that he really did care about me, was proud, and wanted me to succeed, but that he felt pretty de-masculinized and not as needed in the relationship since I really didn't need him at all in terms of material help.

After coming to understand how he felt I made sure to really let him know how incredibly much I care about him, appreciate him, and really do need him in my life. I also figured out how to make him feel more masculine by asking him to fix things around my apartment, doing a lot of things that require physical strength (especially since I don't have a ton of it and he has a lot), oogle over his huge muscles (which I did anyways. haha), grab/squeeze his biceps, emphasize how incredible he makes me feel in bed, and admire all the many other things he's good at (not just being hot and making love)

I've found that doing this has pretty much solved the problem. He's no longer intimidated by my financial success. He also very much feels emasculated in our relationship. He still pretty much always turns down anytime I offer to help him financially (when he's in a tight spot), but he's at the point now where he's comfortable letting me pay for fun major trips. Just a few weeks ago we went on a week long cruise together! (it was super fun!)

ShellyB · Accepted Answer

Well if it means who is more worried about the other one leaving and therefore more willing to accept things they do not like so the other does not leave, I feel like that is pretty equal, really neither of us worries much about the other one leaving, but being really honest he probably has worried at times more about than than me. For example he wanted to get engaged 18 months before I wanted to get engaged but when I was ready we did get engaged.

However it depends what "level" you are looking at, he has more power in a lot of obvious ways, he makes a lot more money than I do, I actually obey him and he can punish me, he is dominant over me in sex. But most of that is stuff I want and in some cases talked him into, most of what we do is set up to make us both happy but especially to make me happy. So I don't know exactly how to answer it depends what you focus on, but I think it is overall v. fair and equal.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I have many flaws but I trust God will help me overcome them if I'm willing to do all He asks me to.

Kusz76 · Answer

I’ve been with my wife for 10 years, married for 3. She is such a strong willed person and always expects her own way. Since we got married she’s got worse, to the point she says “if you don’t like it, there’s the door” we have 2 young kids and she expects everything her way and if I don’t like it then I can leave. She used to say years ago “what I want, I get”. She never compromises with me on anything, if it’s not her way then she goes in a mood and gets angry at me. I’ve always let her away with this behaviour up until January this year when I told her it wasn’t acceptable and that the way she spoke to me was way out of order, very aggressive and making threatening faces at me for no reason, told her 100 times it wasn’t acceptable and if she continued doing it I was going to leave her. She thought I wouldn’t do it but I did. She treats and speaks to me like shit at times when I don’t deserve it, she’d never speak to her family, friends or work colleagues the same way, only me. Now I’ve left she doesn’t have that power over me anymore but still tries to belittle me and speak to me like crap. I just block her number for a week and tell her why. All I want is for my wife of 3 years to honour her wedding vows, but she can’t do it. She tells her friends and family a load of lies about me and how I’ve abandoned her and the kids. But forgets to tell them the reason why. She’s poison and doesn’t deserve a decent man like me. I’ve been away from her for 11 months now and spoke to her lots of times about sorting things out for the sake of our marriage and family but she seems to think she’s the innocent victim in all this and won’t accept responsibility for her actions. She knows her behaviour was the reason I left but she refuses to apologise or talk about it, she’s so stubborn she would rather break up our family unit and marriage rather than put her hands up and say sorry. There’s a power imbalance for you. Oh and here’s an example of what kind of person she’s like…. she has a day off work and is at home all day, I’m at work for 16 hours as a truck driver, I get home after 16 hours and she’s sitting at the dinner table telling me she’s hungry and she wants me to go to the supermarket to buy steaks then make her a nice steak dinner while she sits there watching me! I used to do it, I till I realised how stupid I was for letting her away with treating me like that. Now I stand up to her she doesn’t like it and calls me the horrible one!

lightbulb27 · Answer

I'd say she has the power, it orients from personality traits. I don't like arguing and neither does she, so I work towards avoiding that. I don't think it's abused and she's quite good about discussing topics so we are well informed and working together rather than individuals, one of the things she does well is work on communication and engagement and intimacy.

that's a lot of questions... I think every relationship formula is different but it may boil down to a few common personalities... I'm sure a "matrix" with personality types could help make it more easy to understand.

Not sure where you are going with the "one with power can find an alternative"... that's not love, that's some kind of slap in the face..."you should be thankful Im with you cause I can replace you [you low value worthless...], you aren't...". That sounds like they have low self esteem and so pulling a power play to control. I don't see that at all here, that's not love "energy" for sure. Maybe the other feels insecure in their role.

yes, i've learned how to handle disagreements or mis communications and she's learned how to work with my personality and still get things done amicably. Now I think we work fairly effectively together.

Took some time and effort to get to this point.

MCheetah · Answer

The love of my life was several inches taller than me, about equal to me in weight, and made more money than me. But there never felt like a power imbalance there, because I was much smarter than her (not to imply she was dumb or anywhere close to it), more of a conversationalist, braver than her (she was scared of spiders, bugs, and other things women are commonly afraid of), and a better problem solver than her when it came to non-social related affairs.

In other words, we had our different strengths and weaknesses, but we balanced each other out and none of us were "superior" to the other. I think people should (and usually do) be with their social equals, and one person should not hold an immense level of overall power over the other. Even in traditional relationships; the guy can make all the money, but the woman can be younger and hotter than the guy, and that is still a balanced power dynamic between the two (if you prefer that kind of relationship). But if the guy, or girl, is hotter AND makes more money AND is smarter, then the other person doesn't seem like a good fit, because there is too much of an imbalance there.

So I think "different strengths, but equal footing" is best, in my opinion.

snackthatsmilesback · Answer

Well he's physically stronger than me, but has never used that abusively. Neither with arguing skills. He took whole fucking classes on arguing, but is always really open and tries to support both sides of the disagreement. Which is nice. Fuck now I'm trying to think of a way I have a power... oh, I have friends. Which sounds mean but is true, I control most of our social interactions cause I just know more people and initiate more often and easily. But I always check with him before planning something so he doesn't get missed or blindsided. 🐁

bamesjond0069 · Answer

I've always had all the power and my girlfriend has had none of the power. My first relationships just happened to be like this. But now I realize seeing all my friends that it sucks to do it any other way. So now it's ideal for me. But usually it's ideal for women too. Most seem to prefer it like this as well.

I don't abuse it because I believe In the concept of servant leadership. I make the rules but they need to serve both peoples best interests.

But like I'm 35 and own significant assets and my girlfriend is 20 and once held a retail job for like 2 months part time and quit and hasn't worked since. So yeah its a bit imbalanced but she loves how it is and so do i.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

An imbalance doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a great disparity in power between two people, especially in a healthy and loving relationship. I’m fairly certain that perfectly balanced power is as rare as purely dominant and submissive relationships. As long as there is always open and honest discourse, there should be no reason for a power imbalance to be imposing, let alone oppressive.
I’m naturally dominant and extremely independent, so i generally feel like i hold most of the power and responsibility. I generally prefer a woman who i consider my equal, so i could very easily be mistaken at times about who actually holds the lion’s share of power. Ell oh ell!

Jdjfjcjj · Answer

I've most commonly seen the following:

If it's given and not wanted, then I've seen it leads resentment.

In cases where power is used over partner who is stuck in situation, such as when someone is supporter by the other, then it leads to toxic relationship that lasts way longer than it should

RealMarek · Answer

I think we’re pretty evenly matched. She likes that I’m decisive and can bring order in a difficult situation, but we don’t argue and tend to work out problems together. With my ex, it was different. In that relationship she had all the power until I decided to leave.

Anonymous · Answer

I haven't been in a relationship where it felt like there was that kind of dynamic.

I've usually dated around my own age and of the same situation as myself, both students for example.

I haven't had big arguments with my partners either.

I did have one relationship that was out of category. He was manipulative and dominant in bed. Was not a healthy relationship in any way.

Anonymous · Answer

I think this probably the biggest reason I stay single. I want a 50/50 relationship and every woman I meet wants an 80/20. If they can't have it solely on thier terms they don't want it. So we are at an impasse. I wish them the best of luck with that and go on about my life.

ChillaxingLove · Answer

Usually the man. It’s power in the sense the woman allows and they both agree for him to lead her. She’s allows him to lead her because she loves him. And he leads her in the right way because he loves her. People always trying do some kind of us vs them type deal with men vs women, but everything in relationships is done in love.

BlueScorpio · Answer

I would say the power my husband has is that he's very smart and a fast problem solver.

Sixgunsound · Answer

The state has more power in a relationship than either of the people actually in it do.

inhua · Answer

no such thing as an "equal" relationship. power imbalances are always bound to exist though they seemed to be used more as an excuse for when the relationship potentially turns sour.

Jennz6 · Answer

He was dominant and I am submissive and yes I was abused

TrueConfection · Answer

My husband and I both claim the other person has the power. I don't know who's right. I guess that's why it works.

NathanDavis · Answer

I don't have experience with those... if there's no balance then I do not want it for me...

Sarataí · Answer

I was in an abusive relationship and the imbalance was horrible!! I wasn’t even allowed to check the mailbox.

TroyDT2 · Answer

I always have more power, or at least the same, because I recognize that there are a lot more women out there so if it does not work out there is always someone else.

Summeroflove · Answer

A relationship no matter what ir is you’re looking for. Should be a give and take

Havthrills · Answer

I have an ex that had the power. I didn't believe in hitting women, so she beat me down to show she had the power. No more though. Lol

FilmGuy93 · Answer

In my experience, all the power imbalances have been in women’s favor.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

She was a little tiny bit bossy from time to time but, most of the time, we had no issues.

Guardian45 · Answer

Usually, when one partner has a LOT more money than the other. That can cause an imbalance in the relationship.

pizzalovershouse · Answer

None really not less you nean a partner who plays mind games to get there way

EaterPeter · Answer

Woman possess all the vaginas and power

Anonymous · Answer

Never been in one and never will. I fought my way out of slavery and abuse towards my autonomy and i will not forfeit it.

OddBeMe · Answer

That it’s your fault if you let someone control you.

Anonymous · Answer

She has more power then i do which is why I'm afraid of her

CubaPirate · Answer

Luckily none whatsoever

exitseven · Answer

My experience is that my wife is the boss.

Spiritofn · Answer

Don't care. As long as I'm not getting abused.

Debbie14217 · Answer

no i dont

What are your experiences of power imbalances in your relationships?

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What are some examples of power dynamics in an intimate relationship?

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