How would you feel if your sexual partner is dating others while having sex with you?

[Anonymous]

I just found out that my sexual partner (non romantic partner) is dating a girl. He was so excited to tell me that he scored a date with this girl.

I feel that even though it's not a romantic/emotionally involved partner, it's still disrespectful for him to be dating someone else while having sex with me. We do talk, it's not just a hi, sex, and bye kind of interaction.

I had asked him to let me know if he's going to be seeing or dating someone, and I was expecting to be notified BEFORE any date or action of pursue has taken place.

He said he's not looking for long-term since he just got out of a long-term relationship, so I'm inferring this date is sexually based. A heterosexual guy doesn't just go on date with a girl for no reason if not for long-term, romantic relationship. It has to be sex then right?

Therefore, I feel that I've been cheated, disrespected, and that I'm being used for sex, as a sexual stepping stone. It's like he could have sex with me while securing another partner, and when he's done with me, he could just dump me and have sex with her right away without having to wait.

And no, I feel that a sexual relationship isn't "using" partners for sex if both people are exclusive and don't just have sex and leave without further interaction or communication.

I feel that if he wants to "explore options" as he told me, our sexual relationship should end first before he starts exploring or even texting a girl about going on date. I feel that he should bare the blue balls for however long it'd take him to land another female sexual partner.

What do you think? Am I making sense or overreacting in my thoughts?

[quaranta]

If both people are exclusive, that's what makes it a relationship, de facto. Have you ever asked him if he agrees on being exclusive? If he agreed, you are for sure right to feel cheated on because he would have broken the pact. But if he didn't, I assume he didn't take it as if you are exclusive. By saying he didn't look for a relationship I guess he gave by granted that he meant you are not exclusive, and proof is he tells you with happiness about the date he got. Maybe he expected you to find other fwbs as well, or to start dating someone, at some point, and kept the required distance for that.
Most of the times whoever tells you they are not looking for long term, or not ready for a relationship, they actually mean they don't want a relationship with you in particular. For sure he can be overwhelmed after a long-term breakup, but if the "right" partner comes across, he would take it, and if overwhelmed he would try to start it anyway with the perspective of a relationship later, asking to keep things very slow and giving her extra respect, not implying they are "not exclusive" because this would mean to risk she gets other partners, too, and to lose her.
So I think he started with you with his mind set as "friends with benefits only", which means by its own nature that you are meant to be replaced at some point, from the start, with someone else who looks like relationship material to him.
friends with benefits and exclusivity are opposites, people choose friends with benefits in order to avoid exclusivity, or require exclusivity in order to not be just fwbs.

Now, regardless, your feelings are valid too, so if you feel used and disrespected, even if this goes beyond the agreements or not, then you should stop this interaction with him. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, or if you understood things too late, what matters is that right now you don't feel right about this and the natural consequence for your mental health is to quit a situation that makes you feel like that. Or at least giving him an ultimatum: you want exclusivity, so, he either commits with you as a relationship, or you quit anything you are doing with him.

[Asker]

But I just had the first sex with him last weekend, and he was already looking? This is one of the aspects of this whole situation that I don't understand.

In addition, I thought people in friends-with-benefits only have sex with their particular friends, they just don't want commitment. At least that's my definition, if that's not thought to be true in most friends with benefits.

And no, I think he's looking for sex or "fun" - as he said - with this girl, not for long-term material. No offense, but even he said it himself when he showed me a post or two of hers. This girl filmed herself smoking drug on her Instagram posts and a lot of pictures and videos with middle finger pointing. However, despite what he said about her, he's still meeting her. This girl is also 8 years younger so not very mature. I doubt he would get long-term out of her.

Not only do I feel being cheated and used as a sexual stepping stone, I feel insulted that he's going for a girl whom I think lacks class, while still with me. As I said, man up and be completely single while he searches for next sexual partner, I would've been fine with that. I'm guessing he probably thought he could get a decent woman to have sex with while doing for whatever type of girl (s) he wants (whether decent or not) so he could get the best of both worlds.

[Asker]

And I thank you for your comment.

[Aerissa_Jade]

The fact that he told you about this other date means he trusts you, he could of just as easily not told you and gone and done it in secret.

He see's you as a friend, a friend with benefits and he may or may not see the other as a sexual pursuit, only he would know that.

It is up to you to end the sex with him first, talk about it and say. We need to stop while you are dating if your going to be doing that.

It really depends on how much you trust him to be honest with you.

[Asker]

I understand and thank you for your comment.

[Asker]

I did say to him we should stop what we're doing because he's going on a date, and he said he was not sure about that girl, and he would not break our agreement (He had said he wanted to be "new version" of himself and would give his 100% to his partner).

He also said maybe he won't like her, made comments about what she posted and he showed me her posts. Despite what he said, he's still going out with her, so I don't see why it matters what he said if his action isn't in line with his words.

He said she's his Instagram crush. I'm sure people don't pursue their crushes and go on dates with them for nothing. He said he's not looking for long-term since he just got out of a long-term relationship, that means he's looking for sex with her.

He said could be for "fun." In the context of our past conversations, "fun" could be sex, and I believe that people go on dates with intentions, not just going out just for the sake of going out. It's either for long-term, or sex. I don't believe that people go out with new people just to be regular friends with no physical or sexual factors involved.

[Asker]

I do appreciate him sharing this truth of him pursuing his new date with me, but I had expected him not to be pursuing his next partner until we're finished, so in my definition, he did break the agreement despite what he said that we wouldn't, or maybe thinks that he isn't breaking it.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Sounds like you got it figured out then because you have the context of previous conversations and other things. The fact that his actions is lining up with words means if he doesn't end it, you should.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

You don't want to be with this guy but at the same time, you feel "cheated" because the guy may find another girl and leave you?

Nah, you have no right to feel like that. You don't like the guy, you are just with him to have fun and he does the same. Things are pretty clear.

The way I see it, you want him to only have sex with you so you can feel "special" but at the same time, you don't want to have a relationship with him because you don't like him. Nah, cut the crap! It's behaviors like this one that make men not want to commit!

Other change the way you view him and the world around you (because your mindset is surely poisoned) or stop wanting to feel "special" and just have sex with him (and any other guy you want) until he finds a new girl that he wants to commit to.

[Asker]

None of the things you said is what I'm thinking.

My point is, if he's with me as a sexual partner, arranging and setting a girl while still with me and having sex with me is cheating. That's the definition of cheating. I'm not even talking about emotional cheating like how some people speak of in reference to romantic relationships.

I don't look for another guy to have sex with while I'm with him. If I were to search, I would end my sexual relationship with him first before I start looking. I'm not using him as a stepping stone so that once I start with another guy, I could tell him goodbye, leave and have sex with the next guy with no gap of sexless time in between.

Grow some balls to stay single while searching, don't land on a woman while searching for another at the same time.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

I got your point, you don't seem to get how things work. Friends with benefits are NOT exclusive unless you both agree to do it. The reason friends with benefits exist is for two people that enjoy each others company (but don't meet standards to be in relationship) to just have sex while searching for a potential partner. If you don't feel that way and want to be exclusive with your friend, then make sure that you tell him. But he doesn't "cheat". This isn't how friends with benefits normally works and again, it makes sense!

[ndawg1114]

while I see your point, but it’s an NSA situation and it seems like you have an attachment and realized oh fuck he’s moving on. You might not want to admit but you have some type of feelings for him if that’s how you feel about him dating someone else.

And just going to respond to some of your comments on the thread. Well you are a sexual stepping stone for him, and he is for you too. That’s the whole point of friends with benefits or NSA relationships is so you can be with someone and look for your long term partner.

Personally I can’t do FWB’s because for me sex makes me attached to the person.

If you feel that way about him, best to say see ya and move on.

[Asker]

No, I do not have feelings for him. As I said, I do not see him as boyfriend material, with him following and talking to a lot girls, and he even showed me girls that he knows in real life that he subscribed or paid on Onlyfans, and based on what he said about however he might've been in the past.

In addition, he didn't seem like he was loyal? Oh I should've figured, but I don't know the details, but he said he's a "new version" of himself giving his partner 100% before we started anything. However, I think what he has done and is doing, is breaching what he had said about being 100% to his partner.

When I asked him about his intention with girl, he said not for long-term, for "fun" and said he might not even like her, but he's still going after her in the first place. The latter is what matters to me. I don't like it when a guy is with me and looking for another partner at the same time, not especially for that kind of person. I don't want to re-type everything that I just typed in response to another GaG member @quaranta, but this girl that he's going for, is not for long-term material. I would not consider her if I were a man. No offense.

Don't have the balls to stay single while searching?

[ndawg1114]

I get that but your in a no strings attachment relationship it’s bound to happen. In the type of relationship you guys have unless it was talked about before hand he can be fucking different girls every night and he isn’t in the wrong. Should he not being doing it I agree it’s dirty but how the relationship is set up you can’t be mad at him.

Why does he have to be loyal to you? You’re not serious, you have the power if you feel that way end it. Because if you continue it he won’t change, and you’ll end up growing attachments. Most FWB’s or NSA’s relationships somebody grows attachments and gets hurt

[Avicenna]

A few years ago, I met a woman in her 50s that wanted a friends with benefits situation (also wanted me to accompany her on some of her business and networking events). I turned her down because the dysfunction of that proposed arrangement was blatantly obvious.

[481632]

If you didn't talk about or agree on exclusivity then he is not in the wrong. Never assume that everyone is on the same page as you. Sounds like he thinks of you as a friend if he was excited to tell you about his date. He probably doesn't see you as just sex. It's likely that he sees you as a good friend with benefits. This dynamic is not for everyone but it can be a lot of fun

[Asker]

I understand your point, and thank you for your comment.

However, before we started, he had said that he wanted to be a "new version" of himself and be 100% to his partner, and I was/am the partner.

Therefore, I did not expect him to be looking and arranging dates with next sexual partner while he's having sexual relationship with me.

I feel that he's using me as a sexual stepping stone while he secures his next sexual partner so he could have a smooth transition without days of sexless drought

[481632]

That does make a difference. I can see where you're coming from. I've been there and it feels really awful to realize that you weren't the partner he was talking about. He didn't clarify and you just assumed. Unless he specifically said you. If he did he's an arsehowl. I've been with guys like that also. It still really hurts and I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Asker]

Yes, he said he wanted to be a new version of himself and be 100% to his partner, and I was the partner.

[ShellyB]

I have an opinion about friends with benefits and I do not know if my opinion is right or not but it seems right from what I have seen and I will say it. But just be aware that I don't know for sure if I am right.

I think in friends with benefits, one person ALWAYS wants more and it ALWAYS ends with disappointment or unhappiness from that person.

In this case it sounds like you might be the one who wants more.

Personally I would end that relationship and move on bc stuff like this will prob. keep happening.

[Asker]

I do not want anything more. I just want him to at least have the decency not to cheat while having sex with me. I'm not looking for anyone to have sex with to replace him while I'm with him. If I wanted somebody else, I would end with him then look further. I feel that he's just using me as a sexual stepping stone while he secures his next sexual partner, so he does not have to deal with sexless drought. What a smooth transition he has be carrying out that's low quality.

[ShellyB]

Well we might be using words a little differently but, I feel like if you expect him to be exclusive and he not only does not expect that but it has not even occurred to him that you might expect it, you may be looking at this differently even if you don't have a major goal about your relationship growing.

[Staximus]

You say he's your "non-romantic partner" so you really can't be mad or have hurt feelings; because according to you, you are just two people that fuck each other. If you want more than sex and a guy who doesn't screw around with other women, then you should communicate that instead of being mad about just being another piece of ass to him. You're in denial about your feelings and trying to turn a fuck boy into a boyfriend. That's like making a whore your housewife. It doesn't work out so great.

[Vikkrram]

If you don't have any emotional attachment wid him and you both only wants sex from each others then i think it would be okay for you.

But as psychology said when you get physically wid anyone it's hard for you to not to get emotionally connected wid them.
People do just overlook it and ignore it.

[Asker]

I'm not emotionally attached to him and don't have that kind of feelings for him. Even if he was single, completely single, not in any emotional nor sexual relationship, and was ready to commit, I still would not consider him a long-term partner or potential boyfriend due to how some things I know about him (his behaviors, etc.)

[Vikkrram]

So all good then don't think too much...😊

[Asker]

I just feel that he's treating me like a sexual stepping stone while he "explores" and looks for his next sexual partner.

Like I said, he should have the balls to not be having sex with me first, then look for his next partner while he bears his blue balls. Otherwise, how convenient! To be having sex with a woman while looking for his next partner.

[Vikkrram]

Some men are like this ma'am they would seek pleasure from you and when they find another one they would say goodbye to you

[Asker]

I also don't like feeling that my body has been disrespected, besides feeling cheated on.

How would you feel if you had a partner, who'd been having sex with you while "exploring" and dating others?

[Asker]

Don't call me ma'am

[Vikkrram]

It would feel a bit weird if it happend wid me

[Asker]

That's what I'm saying. It's indecent of a guy to be looking for a sexual partner while being with one. That's exactly my point. I don't know if I would say he's a man. He's a guy.

[Vikkrram]

Correct i agree wid you

[Asker]

So I don't think it makes sense for you to say not to "think too much." I feel cheated and used. My feelings are valid, aren't they? I'm not overreacting.

[Asker]

And we just started a week ago. He's already looking?

[Vikkrram]

I don't know much but that's how you feel but he doesn't feel that he is cheating on you.

[mobiusforniner]

Why on earth would you accept a relationship, to give your body to a man who quite obviously has zero emotional investment in you? Because you "hope" maybe he will?

Im sorry but questions like this pop up all the time on GAG. He DOES NOT love you. Say that to yourself as often as you can and ask why you're still entertaining this "friendship"

[Asker]

I did not mention anything about love at all, if you did read what I said, instead of rudely making assumptions and your prejudgments.

I'm not typing everything all over again, but a sexual relationship is a sexual relationship still. If he's looking for another partner while having sex with me, that's cheating. I would not be looking while being with him. That's a low-quality move.

[mobiusforniner]

You have an emotional attachment to him when he does not have one for you. I dont understand how you feel a need to be informed of his dating interests when he has no commitment to you and you to him.

[Asker]

I didn't say he needs to inform me. He told me himself. Please don't make up stories or assumptions.

I only expected that he would have the decency to not cheat on his sexual partner, as he said in the beginning he wanted to be a "new version" of himself and be 100% to his partner, and I was/am the partner. I also don't have feelings for him. I just expect basic social and interpersonal decency.

[Asker]

I didn't expect him to be using me as a sexual stepping stone while he secures his next sexual partner so he does not have to deal with days of sexless drought. That's a low quality move.

[mobiusforniner]

Its a low quality move to think you can have sexual exclusively, by social norms is a relationship, and yet not be in a relationship. I guess i just dont get how you think he "cheated" if you're not together.

[Phoenix98]

You are being used for sex lol and your using him just the same. Literally the whole point of a friends with benefits.

he didn’t cheat on you your not in a relationship, your not dating nor are you exclusive and unless you specified that wanted exclusivity and it was mutually agreed upon you don’t have any right to feel cheated.

If your unhappy with it find another dude to fuck.

[anon1903]

Break it off. He doesn't respect his girlfriend, and he doesn't respect you either. He is trash.

[TheBallGuy]

Jus wants sex.

[anon1903]

@TheBallGuy and also attention

[anon1903]

He's dating remember?

[TheBallGuy]

Yes. No use of a relation if you're not respected.

[TheBallGuy]

Also looks like more of and friends with benefits than relation lol

[anon1903]

@TheBallGuy she knows that. But she has tact. It feels like she respects his girlfriend more than he does!

[TheBallGuy]

Or maybe she also wants jus the same?

[anon1903]

@TheBallGuy that I don't know. But for the most part, I think she just feels like a homewrecker.

[Asker]

Uhh, if both of you had read what I described. He does not have a girlfriend, and is NOT looking for a girlfriend. He's arranging dates and possibly sex with a girl while having sex with me.

He said he's not looking for long-term since he just got out of a long-term relationship, and this girl that he's meeting, is not girlfriend material. He even said it himself when he showed me Instagram posts of this girl, but despite what he said, he's still meeting her. I think that's worse, for him to be going for a girl who lacks class, at the same time while he's having sexual relationship with me (friends with benefits, however you call it). I deserve better.

[anon1903]

Then break it off, girl

[Stevefiveo]

It sounds like he thought this was a friends with benefits situation. You can certainly tell him how you feel.

[Asker]

Well, this is a friends with benefit, sexual relationship, whatever you call it, but I expect him to have the decency not to cheat while with me. As I recall he said he wanted to be a "new version" of him and give his partner 100% and I was/am the partner. So I don't like that he's looking for his next sexual partner while having sex with me.

At least have the balls to stay single while he looks for somebody else, not trying to use me as a sexual stepping stone while he secures his next sexual partner so he does not have to deal with days of sexless drought.

[Stevefiveo]

I can totally understand your feelings. I guess he thought differently. You can definitely tell him. I hope that you can work things out. Maybe he wants to share the new girl with you and have a poly relationship?

[Finchie40]

Stop having sex with him and move on , find yourself a real relationship not a convenience one

[Danny_dan92]

If there’s no exclusive title? Idc


Cause at that point it’s not cheating

[Asker]

Before we started the sexual relationship (or friends with benefits, however people label it) he said he wants to be a "new version" of himself (sounded like he used to cheat?) and that I was/am his partner right now and he wants to be 100% to his partner. I guess I should've known better.

[In_Trance]

I would feel that you didn't have the conversation with your partner to make your intentions and expectations clear

[Asker]

Before we started, I had told him if one day he was going to be in another relationship (sexual or romantic) to let me know, because I did not want him with me while dating another person because that would be cheating on that person, and I did not want to be cheated on (it goes both ways).

He said he was a "new version" of himself and would give his partner 100% and that I was/am that partner.

I feel that arranging dates with another sexual partner while having sex with me is inconsistent with his statement and violates our agreement. I feel that he's using me as a sexual stepping stone while he secures his next sexual partner so he would not have to deal with days of sexless drought.

I don't like being used and cheated on. I would not do that to him. If I was looking, I would end with him before looking for somebody else.

[CuriousMufuxka]

Quit fucking around! Beyond diseases it's a web of mental frustration, which is my actual point. The mental thing like when you say exclusive but it's not.

[FilmGuy93]

I wouldn't mind at all. But I do understand why you're upset.

[Jamie05rhs]

What he's doing IS disrespectful.
But not to you.
It's disrespectful to HER!

[boobliker]

I don't think she in into sex that much so it never comes up.

[Twalli]

So you were notified when he did, not before he dif

[BLP11520]

Can't share... just me or no bueno

[Anonymous]

I'd never tolerate that to begin with.

[Anonymous]

It's your own damn fault