Should you accept the traumas that another man caused a women?

[Anonymous]

Like a previous relationship has spilled in our relationship and more often I find myself having to discuss the issues. She is scarred by what happen in the past by this individual but she’s still friends with him on social media, she also won’t acknowledge that what he did constitutes rape because the sexual actions weren’t consensual. Anyways I try to get her to work through these issues potentially by going to counseling and she always says nothing is wrong and that I’m gaslighting her. But she flips out over the smallest things. Communication also triggers her, like I try to talk and get on the same page and even that can turn into an argue because she will say I’m lecturing her.

[Andres77]

this might be a "ultimatum moment". it's harder for you because she's in denial. she might not be over him but she's in a relationship with you. you're willing to get counseling together or suggesting that she get help. that's what i was going to suggest until i got to the part where u said u already tried. she's still dealing with trauma/issues and she is not in a good place to be in a relationship if she's not willing to get help. an option is, she gets help or you're out. dude, u can love her but u have to also love urself to not allow her to use u or hurt u. she could accuse you of abandoning her, but ur willing to get counseling and she's not. that's her fault. because she sounds damaged she might even get in a relationship with another guy right after you. don't get jealous, she's damaged and in the end she is hurting herself more.

i was in a BAD place years ago. my wife gave me an ultimatum, counseling or divorce. i loved her enough to be willing to try. it worked for us. u can't make her do it but by loving her ur willing to do what it takes to get help. the ball is in her court.

another issue to consider is... if she admits in counseling that it wasn't consensual then legal issues might arise. does she report it? do she have to deal with the shame of it (there should be none, it wasn't her fault, but some still feel shame)? has he done it to anyone else after her and she might feel guilty for not having reported it sooner?

i have many relatives who are victims of rape or incest or being molested, male and female. it's a dark place, healing has to start in the dark place and work it's way out. it's not easy. and i'm by no means an expert, i'm just relating my own experience and knowledge.

ur in a hard spot, love her but protect urself.

good luck, bud.

[Anonymous]

I've been with women like that. Never turns out well. Some will lie about being abused just to gain your sympathy and give an excuse for their behavior. If she gets triggered and starts arguing over small stuff, that's a warning sign. And for her to accuse you of gaslighting, when you're just trying to talk about what she told you, is a pretty good sign she's the one gaslighting you. They don't like to keep going over it because they're afraid they'll slip up and the truth will come out.

I was married to a covert narcissist. Sounds very similar.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Up to you, if you want to stick around or not. Someone who has been raped, never gets over it. Counseling doesn't work how people think it does.

She probably doesn't want to confront what happened, because rape victims just want it to go away and avoid confronting it, part of rape trauma syndrome.

Even if she goes, it won't help like people think it will.

It will help some but the trauma will always be there.

The scars don't go away, they are now part of that person forever.

Best you can hope for is she can learn to communicate better, but she has to want to do it on her own terms.

She eventually may come around after a few years or longer and try to work through things, but no one can make someone else work through things.

[boggboss]

Sounds like she is not in the right mindset to be dating

[Andres77]

agreed, she's not in a good place.

[Asker]

But would she ever if she doesn’t get adequate help

[boggboss]

Probobly not to be honest

[Asker]

I try to help and I get attacked as if I’m doing something wrong to her. Like even her family tells me I’m being abused because through all of it I fight because I know below the surface lies a hurting girl who wants love but needs help from the abuse and emotional trauma she was subjected to

[boggboss]

But thats the thing u are not equipped to help her In that way

[Anonymous]

She’s still friends with him on social media? Seriously? That is soooo unacceptable. This all feels like a disaster waiting to happen. If I were you I would be looking for the exit door asap.

[Asker]

What do you mean a disaster waiting to happen