Is it normal to be extremely afraid of being in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I have an intense fear of being with someone to the point where I get major anxiety thinking about it. The reason being is that my mental state isn’t very good and how many red flags I have that guys will not accept. I don’t want to put my future partner through hell like that.

Updates

+1 y

Also, if I like someone, I feel like it’s wrong. I do everything I can to get rid of my feelings. I don’t know why I feel this way or why I do that.

[SteveSmith1985]

No, this isn't normal. I feel really badly for you to be honest.

Fist of all, I do 100% sympathize with the whole: "not wanting to put a potential partner through the bullshit you know would come along with trying to have a relationship with you." I really, really do understand that from my own experience. It's why I'm not actively looking for a partner. It's why I have no dating profiles on any dating sites. So I do know what you mean on that front.

BUT

There is still a huge difference.

I still not-so-secretly hope that somehow, I'm going to run into the Love Of My Life randomly, and by chance.

That is a 100% "positive" fantasy/thought for me. The idea of that happening doesn't provoke any anxiety at all.

It's concerning that you have anxiety at the thought of being with someone (in the abstract). For me, my fear is more of the initial "yikes" reaction from someone who doesn't know me yet. I feel way better about my chances of not freaking-someone-out the more they actually get to know me.

Your update is especially worrying. You are feeling anxious about the idea of being with someone to the point that you're fighting your own natural feelings/desires. I think that's really quite concerning, and suggests to me that there is something quite serious happening with you (in terms of relationships/men).

Can I ask what your past relationship experiences were like? In general I mean.

Have you always felt the way you feel now about this?

Or have these feelings increased over time?

Are you carrying emotional scars from being mistreated in a past relationship that could be contributing to how you feel about this/yourself?

Have you had experiences which seem to 'confirm' that partners might feel this way about you?

I don't mean this in any sort of negative way, but: This is something that you should definitely talk to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist about. I don't know if it's possible for you (in terms of health benefits, insurance etc.). This isn't just a 'regular' fear of relationships/intimacy. There is a lot more going on here. It sounds like whatever is going on, is something rooted quite deep in your psyche.

[Asker]

I’ve never been in a relationship before. So, I haven’t been mistreated or had bad experiences. As for men, I was never liked by them so I never approached them. In my mind, I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone. So I fight off any feelings I have for any guy I like because I believe I have no right. I’m toxic and have red flags that will put a strain on any future relationships I have.

[SteveSmith1985]

That's really heartbreaking to be honest.

I obviously don't know you, but... what is it that makes you think you're so "toxic"? I am having trouble believing that you're as toxic as you think you are. Simply because... truly toxic people do not acknowledge (to themselves or others) that they are, in fact, toxic. In other words, one of the traits of a toxic person... to not know, or care that they're toxic.

The fact that you seem to be so concerned with the feelings of a future partner, to me, suggests that you're nowhere near as toxic as you believe. Additionally, I'm not sure that I've EVER met someone who was so toxic that it's better for everyone if they remove themselves from the dating-pool.

In a way, I'm really glad to hear that you haven't been mistreated in past relationships. But in another way, it makes how you feel about yourself all-the-more heartbreaking. The extremely devalued way you see yourself, would be a lot easier for me to understand, if there were some specific asshole who had warped your idea of your self-worth. THAT I am super-familiar with.

Your situation I am not so familiar with. But I still feel like you've internalized an unhealthy view of yourself (as it relates to man/relationships). I cannot believe that your assessment of yourself is accurate. I just don't.

I believe that you believe it. But I do not believe that this is how others will see you.

[SteveSmith1985]

So I would be interested in chatting with you over DM if you'd be willing. I would like to find out enough about you, to be able to tell you (with some evidence) that you have just as much right to love, and to be loved, as anybody does.

I am not saying that you don't have your problems or issues. I'm not even saying that you don't have legitimate "red flags." I don't have any idea at this point.

But I have known a shitload of people in my life. Just... a whole lot of different people from all walks of life. I have never met anyone who was willing to work-on their 'red-flags.' (which makes me doubt that they are, in fact, actual red-flags).

People are usually unaware of the red-flags they show. And if they are aware of it... they don't see it as a red-flag themselves (which is why they don't bother hiding it, changing it, or worrying about it).

So, DM me if you're willing to chat over DM. If not, no problem... just let me know, and we can continue talking here. 🙂

[Asker]

I sent you a follow and a message.

[Anonymous]

Your situation is so similar to mine. I feel like this too. I think I might cheat on them and I feel like they're not good enough. I mean I like them but I feel I will become a l cheater if I married the girl.. I can say I simp after White girls so much and it's just so terrible. I mean if I have a wife I think she will be like a daughter then a wife for me and I did have to take care of her like a little girl ((.

Lately I think this so much. I wish my soul leave my body. I get so scared of all the things like this. I just got get it why life is cruel to me. I haven't done anything like that. Nor do I drink. I have lots girls in my friends circle married ones too and I talk to them but when I think about it I feel my wife might think I am cheating on her. I am afraid I might not be attracted to my wife and it's just so crazy. Not married but I feel so scared

[Opinion Owner]

I think your fear of rejection and insecurities are making you feel this way. Sasha it is alright to feel this way but your being obsessive compulsive at this moment. Don't do this to yourself

[Asker]

I can promise you it’s not fear of rejection. It’s more like I’m worried I wouldn’t treat my future partner right. Like, I may seem kind and caring on the outside, but it’s the real me on the inside they can’t see.

[Opinion Owner]

I feel this way. Sorry I can't help much. I feel this way too. I mean I feel they will be scared of my real self. I am caring person but I feel I don't want to stop looking at other girls //

She will think I am a monster and cheater even though I have never once done anything regretful

[Nomina]

It's common, I wouldn't say normal. But it's definitely to your detriment if ultimately you want to be in a relationship. Work through the anxiety first, I would say.

[nilex4185]

First of all if u feel that's something is wrong from your side try to improve that.
By doing that u will feel good about urself and u will be positive that ultimately becomes green flag for u as well as others.
And the anxiety issue it's normal we all get it ( getting anxious is not normal)
But know your insecurities try to handle them , make an effort for urself, and we heal with them too , i do get anxiety attacks it try breathing exercises and try to calm myself down we don't need anyone we can take care of ourselves. Take care of yourself

[Pudsmucker]

I would say get to know somebody that you either work with that pays attention to you. Another good place to meet somebody is that your place of worship. Just put your womanly charm together and just talk and get to know the person. Instead of going out on a huge date go out just for coffee. Everybody likes the zoo. Museums are excellent places also.

Always stay in public places.

If you feel anxiety breathe deep several times. Stay calm.

[Kyyroz]

Since your post was deleted, this was what I was gonna say : Why though... you seem like a nice person. I'm sure you can make life amazing for a nice dude who finds you attractive. Your beautiful red hair needs to stay in the gene pool.

[Asker]

I honestly don’t know why it got deleted. I didn’t say anything bad 🤷‍♀️ I never had guys be attracted to me so I don’t bothering trying.

[Asker]

*bother

[Kyyroz]

Well... isn't that more than enough reason to try? Would you mind dropping me a message? I'd like to talk to you. I can't send the first message since my level isn't up yet.

[JPresidente]

It’s normal but try not to overthink it and just relax and have fun. Life is too short. Go for broke and have fun, that way you’ll be able to look in the mirror later and and know you did your best and didn’t hold back.

[DerkR]

Maybe you have some past relationship traumas that you still haven't overcome, I think you should look into meditation and mindfulness every time you find yourself anxious about someone or something, always try to create a detachment routine.

[Asker]

That’s the funny thing, I’ve never been in a relationship.

[DerkR]

But you've already fallen in love with someone, right?

[Asker]

No. I’ve never been in love before.

[MrCommodore]

Not normal, but not weird either. I guess it depends why you fear being in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you had very bad history in dating. I consider myself a very positive person. But I simply don't trust the motives of any woman anymore past friendship. I'm not bashing women. I would rather just stay single and happy.

[Anonymous]

Then don’t. You said you didn’t want to date anyways and you’re happier being single. So enjoy

[Bklynbadboy12]

You have to get yourself together mentally before you can even think of being with some you may need professional help

[Asker]

That’s why I’m staying single for as long as I can.

[Bklynbadboy12]

But what about getting some professional help

[Asker]

I mean, I would feel a bit silly going to see someone because it doesn’t happen often. It’s only a once in awhile thing and it goes away. If I just keep a calm mind, I’ll be fine. To me, something like this is so stupid to worry over when I have a solution.

[Bklynbadboy12]

You said the thought of it gives you anxiety that means you need help

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

Have you ever had your heart broken before?

[Asker]

No I haven’t

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

Then you are scared of this?